I'm a brony, I'm a fan of this life, and I often fap. Oh, and I write, too.
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Pinkie Pie is an all around sad pony. Her entire life is a muffled scream, as to what it could be. She only wants to be recognized as who she feels she is. So now, after a long discussion with Twilight, she has sit down, and compiled this simple plea, telling of her problems, hoping for help.
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Yeah... no.
Look, I see what you're trying to do here. But even if this concept hadn't been completely overdone, that wouldn't change the fact that this story is still pretty clumsily written. Pinkie Pie in this story doesn't give a lot of reasons as to why we should sympathize with her, and her father sounds more like a saturday morning cartoon villain than something we could actually see in real life (and I know characters don't have to be realistic but since you're trying to tug at the heartstrings here you should probably go for a sense of realism.)
Also, I find it a little difficult to believe that Pinkie would share stuff with Twilight but not any of the other Mane 6.
This is an emotional story, but there are a few things I would fix:
*I find it jarring whenever a pony character curses. Maybe you can use something in place of the curse ("bucking", "Tartarus" could be used for "Hell", etc).
*This concept has been seen many times before. To me, it seems confusing, since her destiny is to bring happiness. Maybe it's not that she fakes her happiness, but all of these memories are confusing her as to whether or not her cutie mark isn't the one she wanted in the end?
*There are some words that I would never imagine Pinkie saying, such as "my sweet Twilight so". Remember, even in a dark story, these are still the same characters from the show with their personalities.
Just edit this a bit, and this could be great!
2283874 All feedback is appreciated. Like I eluded to, this is just something I mashed together late at night, when I didn't want to go to bed.
2283982 Thanks for the feedback. I actually dislike the cursing too, but I honestly doubted I would get any comments. As for Pinkie's wording issue, I wanted to make her sound more mature, than she acts on the show. Like she only pretended to act that silly in the first place. Any way, thanks for the feedback.
2284027 I appreciate the civility. I do think you're a talented writer with the potential to write a very good story. It's just that this isn't it.
2284948 Thanks!
I asked for the criticism, and I expected it. Any way, thanks again, I guess.
2284038
)?
Well, you can make Pinkie mature, but remember that she's still Pinkie. Does that make any sense (probably not...
2285157 It does, I'm just not the Vincent Van Gogh of writing or anything.
2286344
Neither am I. Hell, nobody is. Just remember to do your best.
2288869 Words to live by friend.
Good story bro! Its not daddy written at all.
2289894 Thanks, but I must disagree. I wrote it in like two hours.
I'll offer a couple concrete critiques on grammar and punctuation, and then perhaps a few more speculative ones on style.
First and foremost, to aid readability I would recommend separating paragraphs with an empty line. Fimfiction does not add a half-line after a return, so even with the indentations, it's hard to pick out the beginning or end of a paragraph. Keep in mind that many people will view your story with a smaller font or tighter linespacing, so adding that empty line makes it easier for them to track where they are. The harder the text is to read, the fewer people who will read all of it!
Second, I would suggest looking at comma usage and placement. Some of your phrasing and usage suggests to me that English may not be your first language, so figuring out the nuances of our cobbled-together language can be tough. Whether it's unfamiliarity with sentence structure or translation software, reading sentences out loud might help weed out improperly placed commas.
In many places, you have put a comma between words or clauses that should not be separated:
This sentence is an unusual example, but I wanted to use it because none of those commas are necessary.
There are some misspelled or misused words, like "incompass" or "prone." Again, reading aloud, or trying to hear the words said in the character's show voice can help with these problems.
In terms of style and content, I can't offer anything as specific. I'm not usually a fan of tragedy or deep sadness, but for me this piece didn't really approach either of those (though the use of the tags was appropriate for the content!) I came away with the impression that this was simply an inversion of what we see in the show: It's simply so out of character that it would take a LOT of supporting evidence to make it believable. While that could make a compelling story, I think it wasn't as successful here because of the rapid presentation. Good stories suprise us, and this certainly does, but that surprise also has to plausible.
Part of the problem is that, without a bit of worldbuilding and description of how these relationships work, it is a case of too much, too soon, and is hard to believe. I know that presentation was partly driven by the format of a letter, but it's almost too much story to be put in here.
There are also some elements that are cliche or feel like they're thrown in for shock value without giving us a reason to say "Yup, I'll buy that." I'm thinking of the cutting and the abusive father. They could be used effectively, but the way they are simply put out there in this story sort of locks Pinkie into a particular set of character traits- the abused, misunderstood self-cutter, almost a stereotypical character.
Now, having said "I don't like this, I don't like that," let me say a few things I DID like. First, this was ambitious and a bit different! I like how you tried to tell the story from a different perspective, and using the first-person narrative was challenging. A letter can be a very potent delivery method, and I really think you were on to something there.
Delivering it by balloon was a great idea, too- it fits in very well with Pinkie and this is one place in the story where I got a real sense of tragedy and sadness- I got a feeling that she was so hopeless and unable to relate to the people around her that she was grasping at the barest of possibilities- that someone else would come and rescue her. Remember, hope mixed with tragedy can be a very STRONG story element- hope engages the reader and can get them to care for the characters. There's also risk wrapped up with hope- the uncertainty can draw people in and keep them interested!
I keep coming back and reading the beginning of the second paragraph- I liked how you built on the word pathetic there to develop a feeling of unhappiness.
Well. I kinda wrote more than I expected to. I hope some of this is useful!
2294259 Thanks so much for the feedback! The two main reason this story was so poorly written, are one: I wrote it late at night. Honestly it didn't take too long to finish. Two: I'm a bit young for writing. But sincerely, thanks for the criticism. Now then, I regret to tell you that english is in fact my first language. Let's just say education isn't exactly in great supply where I live. Lastly thanks again.
2294259
. By the way, is your avatar wearing a lab coat (...
) or a white button up? I can't tell, but I'll go with the lab coat until you say otherwise.
Whenever I see Featherprop I always expect to see an essay of critiques, comments, and important grammar/style lessons. Thanks for all the tips and tricks
2294958
You know, I thought I had dropped a quick reply to this last week, but it seems I didn't send it properly.
You're quite welcome, and thank you for accepting what I had to say- that doesn't always happen!
2366360
Sir, you are too kind! I just like being helpful to people who sincerely want some feedback, and you've given me a warm feeling by saying such kind things about me. When someone takes the time to leave a well-thought-out comment on something I've done (or even just a friendly comment), it's both a thrill and a relief, so I like to give the same to people who seem to sincerely want some feedback.
As for what Featherprop's wearing, how about fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/344/f/c/con_badge_by_featherprop-d5nnlb1.jpg
neither??
2366802 I'm always happy for a way to better my skills. Thanks!
2366802
... OH, 
. You silly pony, the sky is supposed to be up, not down. Just... win... 
. That should be an official patch, although good luck getting people to fly on your plane when they see that.
Awww, thanks. Now I have that warm feeling to.
2368442
You, sir, have made my day with your instrument acumen.
Brohoof, and a watch!
What's this, you ask? Erm... nothing! the ninjas just brought me some... onions! yeah! I'm not crying! uh... I accidentally ate a lemon, and I've been with Shining Armour, liquid pride- oh... fine... yeah, you've slapped me in the face with feels...
3108201 Thanks!
3116285 You're welcome!
Hold on, is Pinkie supposed to be a lesbian in this story?
3135207 Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual. You fill in the blanks. Everything is up for interpretation.
Well, damnit Pinkie. I would personally come help you, but your friend Fluttershy had a ship with a particular Doctor Who species, and now I am dead from both cringe and laughter. Would be great if that asshole in the bottom left hand corner would do something.