A Link to Equestria

Anything can happen when you click links in suspicious emails. You can get a virus, you can lose money, or, in the case of this story, you can be transported to another world.

This is a 2nd person POV-story that's been collecting dust for a while since I got the first chapter done (which I revised), and I thought I'd post it since I need some critique on my writing, and tips since I have another story that I want to be as good as possible.

Characters and tags will be added as the story progresses.

Rated "Teen" for language at the moment.

Chapters (2)

Chapter: 1 [revised] · 16th Mar 2013 · 1,840 words
1,840
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter: 2 - The AMA · 29th Mar 2013 · 1,845 words
1,845
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 24 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 24
- Newest First
- Oldest First

302Death

302Death #1 · Mar 16th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

Derp

MicroUltraMad

MicroUltraMad #2 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

I will read this. It piques my interest.

302Death

302Death #3 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

You sir gets a mustach

MicroUltraMad

MicroUltraMad #4 · Mar 17th, 2013 · 1 · 1 · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

As someone who is an avid reader and critic, slow down.

This:

As you wake up with a blistering headache, you feel yourself being slumped against something hard. You hear water pouring behind you. “Maybe the water will ease the headache...” you think and slowly open your eyes. You’re met by a bright light and shield your eyes with your hoof.
“A hoof?” Your eyes shoots open and you try to stand up. You manage to do so, but you promptly fall to your side. “Ouch...” you mutter and rub your head as you sit up. Looking to your right, you see a fountain. Since you’re not able to walk, you crawl over to it and look into the water. The face that looks back at you in the reflection is the one of a pegasus.
“Woah... wait a minute...” you raise your hoof to your chin, “I get an e-mail that promises to fulfill my dreams if I click the link in it, I do so, I’m sucked into my tablet, I get knocked out and I wake up in what probably is Equestria as a pegasus...” you tap your chin, “Hmm, seems legit,” you chuckle.

Should become more like this:

You flinch as you open your eyes to a blistering headache and bright sunlight seeking it's way through your closed eyelids. As you start to slowly open your eyes and shake your head to rid yourself of the pain, you receive pains running through your back. You stretch your head around to find you were slumped in a rather odd position against a small boulder. Whilst trying to maneuver yourself to a better position, you notice something strange about the blockish stump that seems to be moving in sync with where your arms should be.
“A hoof!?” Your eyes shoot towards every other part of your body in search of an explanation. In your frantic haze, you jump up onto your back 'hooves' into an impromptu standing position. You manage to do so, but you promptly fall to your side.
“Ouch...” you mutter and rub your head as you sit up. Looking to your right, you see a fountain. Since you’re not able to walk, you crawl over to it and look into the water. The face that looks back at you in the reflection is definitely not human.
“Wait a minute...” you raise your hoof to your chin, “I get an e-mail that promises to fulfill my dreams if I click the link in it, I do so, I’m sucked into my tablet, I get knocked out and I wake up in what probably is Equestria as a pegasus...” you tap your chin, “Hmm, seems legit,” you chuckle.
"No way. No, this is not happening. I'm dead, and my tablet didn't explode, suck me into it, and bring me to a field in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, I'm dead, or dreaming," You start absentmindedly panicking, not believing at all what is happening, "and now I'm some friggin' horse thing, with technicolor hair and fur." You talk to yourself, obviously not in your right mind. You lay thee on the ground, having a moment of insanity flow through you as a side effect of shock and insanity.

Okay, synopsis:

Slow the *** down there, cowboy.

Don't assume things. Anyone wouldn't be in their right mind after such an experience.

One does not simply learn to walk and fly in five minutes.

if you recognize yourself as being a pony, you MUST be in Equestria(This is sarcasm), and he doesn't EVER think of alternatives, such as death or dreams.

DO NOT REFERENCE MEMES, EVER. NO CATCHPHRASES EITHER.

If the character ends up with a silly name like "Anon" or some inside joke shit, I will eat your first born child.

There's my opinion, heed it, and use it to better your writing style.

Mcayon

Mcayon #5 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

2276726 Thank you very much for that wonderful critique! I've learned a number of things from that. I'm also pretty tempted to use what you wrote....

MicroUltraMad

MicroUltraMad #6 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

2276788

Also, here is a good description of how to write well.

Mcayon

Mcayon #7 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

2276820 Thank you again, since it's pretty late and I'm tired I will read it when I get up, I'm sure it will help, it looked good on the first glance.

But anyways, I understand that any person could panic if they found themselves in a situation like the one I've written about, and I should probably written it that way as well... and the reference to the meme wasn't very wise to use either... but what I want to say is that I made it pretty clear in the beginning and after the part you fixed, that the person the story is about, is a brony.... so after some thinking I am kind of confused. Like, I can see that the person can go from insanity to eventually calming down and realizing what has happened, but still.

MicroUltraMad

MicroUltraMad #8 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

2277135

Well, for figuring out what happened, I used the example to show that he should figure out things separately and not in quick succession. He would have figured out the the 'I'm a pony' thing shortly after calming down. The 'I'm in Equestria' would have come later with a reassurance, such as seeing Cloudsdale or Canterlot in the background. Between these, he'd wander around trying to figure out where he is, try/fail to fly and/or survive.

Naden Gryphus

Naden Gryphus #9 · Mar 17th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

First of all, follow what MicroUltraMad has already said. Great advice.

As for my own opinion, here are some tips:

Write down your ideas, know where your story is going and where is it coming from.

In this little part we have learned absolutely nothing about our character, I know it is supposed to be 2nd-person, but we still need something to work with.

Pacing. You need to pace yourself and the points you're making with a story, this relates with the 'write your own ideas', you want to know your own sequence and want to take us there as smoothly as possible.

You're actually being quite descriptive, and that's not a bad thing. But, you need to pace yourself, you can't just rush things because you want them to happen.

Make your protagonist more believable. This is self-insert, yes? This part is easier just by that fact. Imagine yourself in that situation, and write accordingly. You would obviously not wake up all and dandy, learn to fly minutes after waking up.

That is, if you introduce a character that is not you, write the reaction according to that character. Don't always assume characters will react the same way.

Hopefully I was of some use to you. I'll be following this. Send me a PM if you need a pre-reader or something.

lines n stuff

lines n stuff #10 · Mar 17th, 2013 · 2 · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

“Hmm, seems legit,” you chuckle.

this seems like a valid human reaction to your tablet blowing up in your face

followin'

Dementia Ravenmane

Dementia Ravenmane #11 · Mar 17th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

I fear Molestia smexytimes...

P.S WHO THE FCK CLICKS A LINK IN AN EMAIL!? IS THIS GUY MENTALLY RETARDED OR SOMETHING!? TABLETS DOESN'T HAVE ANTIVIRUS TO PROTECT THEM!

Dementia Ravenmane

Dementia Ravenmane #12 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

2278863 This comment is god tier...

Sky Hooves

Sky Hooves #13 · Mar 17th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

A good first Chapter. And I hope the second will so good, too.

Naden Gryphus

Naden Gryphus #14 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

The revised version has a more believable reaction, I like it.
Then again, the pacing could be ironed out too.
That said, I await eagerly to see where this Molestia encounter leads to.
Get writing that second chapter, boyo!

A Knight

A Knight #15 · Mar 17th, 2013 · · 1 · Chapter: 1 [revised] ·

I have some advice for you, but in no way do you have to follow it, nor in any way would I think you might. I am just putting this here, as an avid writer and reader of professional novels. Not a writer of professional novels, oh no. But an avid reader of them and...........yep. Any-hoo! Let's get to my advice, shall we?
I have a huge basis when I'm writing to rewrite everything that I write. So, as in this story's case, write it once, save it in two separate places, pull up the original piece (not the one on FIMfiction, as an example) and type the final one as you read through the original. You are basically copying down the piece, but can add helpful changes to it as you write, changing words here and there, making a fluid sentence structure, creating breaks in paragraphs that may have been absent before.
Another thing. I'm not sure where this is going, so I will keep all judgement back until it is farther along, so here's another piece of my Tin advice:
Always be thinking of adding more detail to what is happening in the story. It helps flesh characters out, and really let the reader see what you're imagining. Especially strong, vibrant adjectives. (i.e.)

The Unicorn thrust it's head forward, hurting the other Pony with it's long, sharp horn.

That is not very descriptive.

The cobalt-blue Unicorn, enraged, flung it's massive horn in an upward arc aimed straight for the red pony's throat. The light red pony's throat became a fountain of deep crimson as the blue Unicorn's javelin-like horn was shoved farther into the red pony's esophagus, blood gushing out in quick spurts followed by a slow, strength-waned descent to the ground.

It doesn't have to be significant or heavy to be descriptive. Here is a part from your story that could have been more descriptive:

Original:

As you get closer to the center, you see more and more ponies. You sigh in relief since you for a moment believed that the whole town was empty. As you walk around on what can be considered as a lone tour of Canterlot, you can clearly see that the show doesn’t do the town justice. You think it’s really beautiful and you’re amazed by everything you see. You try to take everything in, but as you walk, it gets pretty difficult as the amount of ponies increases and you have to avoid bumping into ponies. It doesn’t take long before you eventually bump into a number of ponies who yells at you, despite the fact that you apologize for bumping into them;

A suggestion:

As you travel farther into the grand city, you begin to see a greater amount of ponies. They were going about their daily business, in a way almost just like the show. Moving about in the background, seemingly insignificant. You walk alone, without guidance, looking in awe at all of the sites. The television series clearly doesn't transfer well from the reality. There were shops stocked with quills, buildings piled with books, scores of places that you could buy anything you wanted. There was even a place where you could purchase something called "Magical Telemetry Devices." You stand, gazing at some gold-threaded clothing, mouth agape, then move on when you realize how much time you've wasted. The white spires of the castle loomed bright ahead of you, the many winding streets and intertwined buildings blocking their bases. Your hooves seemed to carry you of their own volition as you admired the beauty of the castle, it's elegance and simplicity ensnaring your attention until you started reaching the more crowded districts of the city. That was when you started experiencing the rude ponies that would add insult to sore shoulder or head, even though you gave them an apology where it was due.

That is just my suggestion. You can take it how ever you want, all I am trying to tell you is that longer descriptions are usually better, and allow readers to get engaged in their stories.

A fellow writer,
Fellstar K'naeglis

A Knight