Miss Smiles

Trendy Laws #1 · Mar 12th, 2013 · · ·

Pretty good for your first fic. I could not find any grammar mistakes or typos while reading, the jokes were good, and the characters were themselves. Well done. :)

mrgysao

mrgysao #2 · Mar 12th, 2013 · · ·

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Not really sure why there is a "SEX" tag when there was none, or at least none that was described enough to actually count. Sex was merely implied. The story was short and to the point and I like it. I do hope there is a sequel to this because the places this story can go just look amazing. Then again with such a short story it would probably be best to add more chapters instead of making a whole new story. Assuming this story will be continued of course. In other words...
i.qkme.me/3qdez9.jpg

bahatumay

bahatumay #3 · Mar 12th, 2013 · · ·

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I'm not sure if that escalated quickly or not...

TheMasterofDespair

TheMasterofDespair #4 · Mar 12th, 2013 · · ·

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I rather enjoyed this story, although I noticed a couple of typos.

"His name was Autumn Leaf," Continued Tiara, ",And he was casually seen talking with Miss Smiles.

The Continued should be lower cased, and you put a comma right before the And. Also, it's not necessary to put Flashback and End of Flashback. It's italicized so it already stands out on it's own. But still this was a pretty good one shot.

Comment posted by The Psychotic Brony deleted Mar 13th, 2013

The Psychotic Brony

The Psychotic Brony #6 · Mar 13th, 2013 · · ·

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2253557 No. You know what does kill puppies? The NPL (National Puppyball League). It's like Football, except instead of footballs, you use live puppies. It was started by the mafia in the 60's but has since grown into a legitimate sport. I think their first televised event will take place sometime late this year.

Mudpony

Mudpony #7 · Mar 14th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Not too bad overall, idea executed decently. Some grammar issues, mostly conversation related. Easily fixed/avoided once you know what to do. Biggest problem besides that is the number of typos. You'll probably want to proofread a bit more.

Oh, and spaced out author's note is annoying

Some of the grammar issues and typos:
Conversation punctuation is off throughout. Check here for some examples of how to handle conversations.

Cheerilee, not Cheerilie or Cheerelie. Also, you misspelled Autumn Leaf's name once as Autum Leaf.

"I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go it!" replied Cheerilie, "Just..., not, right, now..."

Pretty sure that's supposed to be Rumble replying, not Cheerilee.

"Okay class!" Miss Cheerilie announced to her room full of students, Allow me to introduce the new head of the school paper, Diamond Tiara!"

Missing the quotation mark before "allow".

As a lump the size of a baseball formed within Cheerilies throat, Diamond Tiara flipped turned the page and her eyes widened.

Missing the apostrophe in Cheerilee's. Probably only want "flipped" or "turned", not both. If Diamond Tiara's eyes widen, it doesn't quite make sense because she knows what is coming, it is her favorite part. If Cheerilee did, it isn't very clear that the "her" refers to Cheerilee, plus the next paragraph has her eyes widening.

"LISTEN YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!" Cheerelie screamed, "THIS WAS 10 YEARS AGO!!! I SPENT 4 YEARS IN PRISON, ANOTHER 2 IN PSYCHOTHERAPY, AND ABOUT 2,000 BITS FOR FUR AND HAIR DYE!!! I PAID FOR THIS!!!!!!"

As others have noted, caps lock should very, very rarely be used. Got exclamation marks and words like screamed for a reason. But that's not why I'm quoting this bit. The numbers are why. Numbers that are a single word (included hyphenated ones like twenty-five) should be written as words, not numerals. So "ten", "four", and "two". And if it were me, I'd go with "two thousand" over 2,000, but that's me.

Hope that helps :)

Sinful Pickle