Twilight has assigned her daughter the same assignment as Twilight had from Princess Celestia, when she was a teenager. Here is a series of the letters describing the friendship lessons Midnight Bloom learns with the rest of the kids.
(based off of true events)
Just a warning: Lots of OCs. I know this may turn away a lot of readers, but if you do read it and you get confused, I have a whole blog post describing OCs.
Page generated in 0.116 seconds
Total duration
1,046 users online
1,975,815 hits today, 2,921,617 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I saw your story, and it's quite short; short enough for me to do a quick review.
Title's already spoiling that this is going to be a self-insert.
Sorry, if I said it a bit too harsh.
You might want to fix this, as it tells us that when Princess Celestia was a teenager, she assigned something to Twilight, giving the fact that your description is wrong.
There, fixed it for you. And also, I wouldn't say Twilight was a teenager when she was sent to Ponyville.
I would say, a young adult, or a young mare. I know it sounds the same, but I think it's better to say it that way.
Again, wrong description.
You're implying here, that Midnight Bloom spent her teenage hood with the rest of the mane six -- including her mother -- when they were still kids, or filly.
Okay... though I didn't understand anything you've just said, since I don't follow your stories.
Please keep in mind to never do this, as it is a big turn off for those who doesn't like stories that is based of a self-insert, and has a life of the author.
Chapter one; word count: 86
That's a big no no. If I were you, make a chapter that, at least, contains more than five hundred words in each chapter.
I would think of a much better way on addressing my mother, instead of calling her in her formal name.
Are you implying that you didn't like what you've just learned?
You know what crestfallen means, right? You're telling us that she was disappointed, or rather, sad.
What...?
Okay, chapter two.
I don't know who Amber Rose is, nor Ribbon Blitz.
Please, add some details on who they are, and what their status is with the protagonist.
Also, tip: I was supposed to be writing a story with Bubble Berry -- Pinkie Pie's parallel -- making a daily journal while he was still on the rock farm.
My technique was supposed to be showing, and telling the story of what happened that day; giving the readers enough information, and a much more better knowledge of how the scene happened.
Then after the end of Berry's day, that's when I place the part where Berry writes on his journal.
So, yeah. A daughter of an Alicorn Princess, who has a job just like our favorite teenage foalsitter Cadence.
I don't think there are hills in Canterlot... and the fact the Canterlot is on a hill.
Ponyville isn't placed in Canterlot. And if you were to admire Ponyville from Canterlot, I advise using some telescope. Unless if you have supervisions.
Also, Pinkie's ice rink. I don't even know that she has one. And if you are talking about the time she was ice skating in Winter Wrap Up, she was just cutting the ice to smaller pieces, for it to melt easier.
The lesson Midnight Bloom learned didn't even have a single connection with what she did that day.
Wait... I thought Twilight was her mother? I'm fine with mother, being the teacher of their kids.
But addressing yourself as a student, in a letter you will sent to your mother, is just to formal.
Sorry if I'm starting to sound like I'm rifting your story, other than helping you. But... element of magic...? Remember, your mother?
Again, some back story might help.
What?
Oh come on. That's the point of the story; showing the complete scene to your readers.
At least, you did something here that tells us a little about a background character.
I don't think that's friendship you were talking about, but rather, hate... or envy...?
It sounds like you've just copied, retyped, and then posted one of the lessons from the show, itself.
I just noticed, how does Midnight Bloom even send her letters to her mother.
We don't see her do that trick.
Okay, I'm stopping right now.
The story is starting to sound bland -- and if it wasn't already from the start.
You are making it sound like a story of a teenage girl, who could have had an amazing life, but instead, turned it over and replaced with nothing but social problems.
Sorry if I hurt you, specially that the fact is that you've based this on your daily life, and I've just said that it was boring, and dull.
Well my biggest complaint is probably that it's ONLY the letters, we don't get to see how the lesson was learned, or what impact it had on others, or explore the characters outside the context of the letter. While I can see you where trying to base things off your own experiences it does come off as the standard high school drama one can find on any social media site out there. While your own experiences might be good starting points, a short summery isn't really interesting on it's own. These are ok endings to Mightnight Bloom's adventures, but sadly that's all they are, endings.
The stealth self-inserts work only if you write them enought well to hide them, and if you don't, naturally, say it on the description.
Why I'm saying this ?
Because most of the self-insert fic are bashed here, aaand... you did a bad job to write this.
Some description might help to hide the self-inserting, over to, you know, LENGHT THE CHAPTERS !
That's it, the worst writer of FIMFiction has spoke
Too many OCs, too many short chapters written like letters, and not enough interesting stuff.
Certainly not my cup of tea.
This is... unique.
Others might not get this but fooy to them. I love it
and? So what.
Some people need to write things out to help them deal with their problems. 
Yes it is a self insert....
You keep on going dude.Don't let those others saying that these letters are bad stop you.
And If you ever do need someone new to talk to (and if you have an X-box 360) you can always talk to me.
BigZecer ICU
2570868
Its okay. Thanks for the feedback. I needed it and I appreciate it.
I'm going to take your words into consideration. I'm going to revise the letters whenever I have time. I'll include background information on the characters, and put in a story of what's happening before the letter part. Kind of like the show...
All in all, thanks for the feedback! I'll be sure to make this better.