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Twilight Sparkle is interrupted from a midnight study session by the arrival of three confused magic students.
A short Harry Potter/My Little Pony crossover. Can the universe handle Twilight Sparkle and Hermione Granger in the same room?
EDIT: Rewritten per 2015-04-27
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Interresting story.
7 likes, 1 comment, 60 views... so explain to me how in Celestia's name this got Featured?
2249525
What is the process for getting featured anyways? How do they decide?
2249525
Because Logic.
2249548
it appears to be completely and totally random. (there are guidelines, but they're so convoluted that even Nostradamus would throw up his hands and say "Fuck it, I give up!")
2249555
hah. logic is non-existent on this site.
2249610 I think it's to do with the amount of favourites it has gotten in the amount of time it's been up. But I dunno.
>17 upvotes
>featured
>apparently got featured with only 7 upvotes
Nothing against you. But, is there a reason why people put "Of" in front of all their title names? Can't you just say "Wizards, Witches and Unicorns"?
2249950
Usually dependent on the favourites in a short time period. Whacky, I know.
I like it, and I'm glad it got featured. If it hadn't, there's a good chance I wouldn't have seen it, and wouldn't have been able to read it and like it.
Very nicely done.
2250039
the 'of' makes it sound more classy
2250059
That, or someone is taking ideas from another author.
So in a couple years, a wall in Hogwarts will explode, and Fred will find himself shooting out of Pinkie Pie's Party Cannon...
Wait, it got featured? Why would it get featured? This makes no sense.
2250039 The "of" is an attempt to translate a Danish ideom signifying a short piece of text, since this is a short, silly story. I had no idea it was a trend.
Well, it's HP and ponies, and it's featured, so that must mean it's bloody brilliant! Going on my read later!
Hermione and Twilight Sparkle in the same room? God damnit man, are you trying to kill us all?
Lol, disregard that. This was a pretty good story, though I feel it was a bit rushed towards the ending. Could be just me though
I think Features are purely based on the Popularity ranking, which I think counts nothing more than views in a time span. Not even sure if they're chapter views or just the story index page.
Hah. That dry humour. Perfectly in character, there. He was a bit underused here though, IMO. Not many times I've seen a crossover where the main character is practically ignored.
Overall, nicely written, but you do have a few problems in your formatting style. The most important ones being, one paragraph per speaker, and, either indent paragraphs, or leave a full open line in between, so readers can see the difference between two paragraphs even if one happens to end exactly at the end of a line. Even in cases like the <“Human,” Ron corrected>, that should be in a new paragraph.
Besides that, the only real thing that felt wrong was the "Suddenly a bright light hit Twilight’s eyes.", which sounds as if it comes right after the previous paragraph, and is experienced by Twilight as if nothing happened in between. Simply removing that word "suddenly" solves all that.
Another small hint: if you go to the Edit page of the story, there's a link to a really handy guide with writing advice linked there, right at the top. Overall, this is very well written, but it may still be useful to read that through
This was bloody BRILLIANT!
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2250174 Thank you very much for your feedback. I actually started out indenting my quotes much more, but found that it made the story very stacato. Next time I write something, I'll try to come up with a compromise.
The "suddently" is there for excactly that reason - to make the two scenes seem like no time has passed in Twilight's head. But if it feels out of place then it fails at that.
I completely agree that Harry is underused. I tried to give him more scenes, but it distracted from Hermione's story, and this is really a Hermione/Twilight-fic.
2250048 yeah you and me both and that would be a shame! this is a good one
Pinkie Pie knowing Fred & George. Twilight & Hermione in the same room. ....
I can't look at anything normally again. BUT IT WAS AMAZING. IF only the Killing Curse was this amazing, I'd be happy to die.
Imagine Pinkie decides to visit F&G and Ron is like "Hey Pinkie" and gives F&G the evil grin cause she told Ron everything his bros said. F&G would be dead. like bloody hell Pinkie knowing the Weasleys. 20 bits on Hagrid knowing Fluttershy?
Not capitalizing the first "Twilight Sparkle" in your synopsis is not helping your story's presentation right off the bat.
Oh, awesome! Yes, the crossover fun has been doubled with Twilight and Hermione.
Loved dis.
2250201
I found it odd too, at first, but nowadays I always just leave lines in between. It's much clearer for the readers.
this is, wow.
So what is Pinkie Pie, what is, okay, you left some things in the open, I would like to know what happens next, I know you say this is complete, but dang, you have it open to many different possibilities, and what not.
I would love to see what happens next if you decide to continue this. I know that I loved this prose and well done. Well done indeed.
2250241 Whoops. You are right. Thank you.
wall of text
2250268 I don't think this concept could bear much more than a single sort fic, unless I had some larger plot. I left Pinkie's Plan open to intrepetation on purpose, but you can probably guess my own speculation from what Pinkie says about what exactly gave her the idea if I tell you that it would not change the books.
2250318
It is not a boring wall of text monsieur, It is an incredible piece of writing that has delighted me. So read that wall of text. you will enjoy it. I promise you.
>> Richu Yue if this doesn't quote than I don't know how, after work than good sir
2250318 Yes, it was a lot easier to read in Google Docs. I'll try fixing the formatting.
2250353
To quote you go on the reply button on the top right side of the comment. Simple as that.
CURSE YOU! Now I want to read what happens when Fred doesn't die but instead gets transported to Equestria.
2250383 My guess is that he will spend quite a bit of time with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, pranking everypony.
Honestly, i think what made this story for me was that i could TOTALLY see Fred and George knowing Pinkie Pie
This is an interesting concept, but the story has some problems.
1. The wall of text. I know someone else already commented on it, but it's really an eyesore. Either indent paragraphs or leave a space between them. Either way works, though most readers prefer the latter.
2. Twilight never questions where they're from or how they got into her library. Not even after they rather blatantly reveal that they were not unicorns before whatever just happened. Instead of being curious, she acts as though world-hopping transformed beings regularly show up in her library.
3.Their age, if they known Slughorn this has to be their sixth year at Hogwarts, meaning they are all sixteen. Here they are represented as much younger (Snips and Snails are in the same class as the CMC) and they certainly act that way.
4. Harry's rather dark observation about his cutie mark promptly kills the mood, and rather than exhibit empathy or curiosity (on Spike or Twilight's part) everyone just breezes past it after an awkward silence.
5. Suddenly a new paragraph appeared. When a new paragraph indicates a passage of time, never begin it with 'Suddenly'.
6. The pacing. We spend less than two thousand words introducing the characters to each other and the new world they find themselves in. Then it's off to see Zecora, then we're interrupted by Pinkie, then we leave her behind, then she's back, then, then, then...
You're putting too many events together without properly fleshing them out.
7. Aside from Hermoine learning a new language in three hours, which is unlikely, why does she need to? Why can't Zecora just translate it? Also, given the compositions of her other potions and Equestria botanical life what are the odds that A. the ingredients exist on Earth and B. that they will work exactly the same in another world?
8. The ending. Yeesh, that takes rushing to a whole new level as the end is wrapped up in about four hundred words most of which are devoted to problem #9
9. The ring. This doesn't make sense given that they find and cry over his body in the book. I haven't seen the movie so if you are pulling this from that then it might sense but then it cheapens his death. George spends the rest of his life mourning a brother who is too busy having adventures in Equestria to ever return?
The source of all this appears to be the unspoken point of the story which is: get Hermoine to interact with Twilight Sparkle and show off how smart she is, with a side of Pinkie Pie antics. Harry and Ron are barely mentioned after the introduction and a good chunk of Ron's dialogue is encouraging speeches reminding Hermoine how bright she is. Perhaps I'm wrong but it appears to be a case of: 'I want these characters to meet' with little regard to the story as a whole. I can't claim to be perfectly innocent there, but luckily I had someone point out that to me before I published a similar story.
My advice? Rewrite this so it's Hermoine alone since you want to focus on her anyway, and flesh out the story and characters more.
2250447 SQUEAL indeed!
I demand a sequel.
Fred brings George to Equestria after the Final Battle.
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Proper formatting needed so my poor eyes can actually read it. I think the Harry Potter cast is out of character. The culture shock is non-existent/ not actually serious and underplayed for comedy. Harry would not merely talk out loud about his mother's death to an unknown stranger, talking unicorn. Ron, as pure-blood wizard would be freaking out that something he regarded as little more than an animal would be talking to him. Hermionie would be seriously wondering what the hell is going on and figuring out a way to get back home. I do not get what you are trying to achieve with said story, what is the plot? Just putting Harry Potter and MLP together? That doesn't work! It just doesn't. Please rewrite. I like the character design of pony Harry, Ron and Hermionie, but you seriously need a serious super-rewrite of this concept, with detailed expansion and focus of the plot and narration.
2250497
This guy knows what he's talkin about
That said I still quite enjoyed the story.
2250580
I like parts of it as well, which is why I suggested re-writing it. Perhaps, I came off as harsh, but I'd really just like to see the author improve it.
2250497 Thank you for your fair and thorough critique. I agree with most of it, and I actually would never have finished it, much less uploaded it, if I hadn't been encouraged to do so. There are - as you point out - too many weaknesses in the premise. It should either have been a longer story or a shorter, simpler one.
I always saw Snips and Snails as teenagers, though. Maybe Ponyville school is too small for seperate classes?
Pinkie's connection to the wizarding world is totally in-universe and worth a thumbs-up.
2250520 Some ponies just wants to watch the world burn, I think we are two of them.
So, because of Pinkie, Fred won't get AK'ed? why do I have the feeling that Ron gave it to George by mistake?
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I think it's a very good premise. It could use some work but a revision would help. Maybe a proper rewrite. You could even make it more of a short story than a one shot
Two magical universes combine...Epic!! Pinkie says awesome.
you should TOTALLY make a prequel where Fred and George meet pinkie (or even Discord
)
or hell, just make a continuation of some sort