Apple Bloom overhears a crass conversation, and Applejack teaches her a lesson, but it's not the one she intended. Contains foul language.
Chapters (1)
FakeScienceMonthly
Joined 12th Feb, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- DegeTheMighty · 1.7k words · 10 0 · 544 views
- BattleSisterDash · 2.6k words · 41 2 · 1.3k views
- Howling Wolves · 1.8k words · 53 3 · 1.4k views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.073 seconds
Total duration
729 users online
1,083,935 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is purely from a reader's perspective.
It's important to start by saying that I like the concept behind your story. This is something any reader can relate to, which is a huge positive when it comes to comedy. You also structure the action well, in that nothing seems forced for the sake of progressing your story. It feels like a 'normal' day--a 'normal' situation.
The one problem I had in reading this was that the perspective seemed to rattle all over the place. We were in AB's head; We were in AJ's head; We were even in Thunderlane's head--if I can recall. This made it difficult for me, as a reader, to envision where the story was coming from. Like a movie rapidly changing its angles while various characters take turns telling their stories over the action.
If you're trying for the omniscient perspective, then you really can't penetrate the perspectives of all these characters. It's jarring.
With that said I think you were going for AB's perspective, or at least that's the one I was zeroing in on as a reader. Maybe stick to that.
Oh, one last thing--the exchange between AB and AJ was hard to follow, especially with their similar speech patterns. Just look at adding tags.
As I said, I think the story is a good one, it just needs to be told in a consistent manner. You have a lot of comedic potential to work with and I'd be interested in seeing how this kind of situation unfolds.
2242894 Thanks. That was useful. I was going for Apple Bloom's perspective, and I didn't notice any spill to AJ. I did notice Thunderlane, but that was kind of a necessity. Good to know where to work on; I think you're right about the confusion.
Buy some apples!
Okay, this is fucking fantastic.
So unbelievably funny, and that ending? I could kiss you, it was done so well.
---
reading the comments, I actually wasn't confused reading this, maybe you edited it or something? But it read well to me. Do more comedy man, it'd be a crime if you don't.
2254273 Glad you liked it. I've got some more stuff on the way, but it could be a while.