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Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic and student of Princess Celestia, has braved many dangers and defeated powerful foes. But on a peaceful afternoon, she will face her greatest challenge: eating some lunch.
With thanks to GlueFactory for helping me edit, and Equestria Daily for featuring me!
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I have a scary feeling this might be featured.
Commence read.
Honestly, I got bored in the first couple paragraphs. It's 'It was a dark and stormy night' level of a cliche with more words and even less interesting, especially for something which I thought was going to be a comedy. You need to set tone right away, and you don't succeed. (For example, since this is a comedy, parodying the 'it was a beautiful day and everything was peaceful' sort of opening instead of playing it straight would work much better to set the tone, not to mention be more interesting).
Make me care about the sandwich. Then you have done well. This falls short of that.
I had expected shameless slapstick. Instead I got a clever look at the power of folklore and oral tradition.
What was especially interesting was how each version of the sandwich curse matched up well with the teller. Applejack talked about the chef who was unafraid to put in hard work perfecting the craft. Rarity, in her fashion, told a love story full of hidden symbolism, while Rainbow Dash took the opposite route, taking the word "curse" at face value. Pinkie Pie, for her love of mysteries and affinity for superstition, told the ghost story. And poor Fluttershy regaled a tale that struck a particular chord with her constant caution and wariness.
The story could well have ended with Twilight realizing that the sandwiches were horrible and I would have been satisfied. But the final scene put a neat little bow on everything. Of course the town's resident skeptic and egghead would bother to put it all together in the end! The moral made sense and didn't feel out of place at all, in fact, it rings particularly true to your audience - none of whom would be here without these stories to bring us together.
Excellent work. Get thee to the featured box!
Besides Fluttershy's story (who might freak out the younger viewers and or older people like parents may interpret the wrong way) I could fully see this as an episode with changing art styles to suit the story. Well done, 10/10!
Ok. THAT was pretty good. Very nice take on urban legends and other stories like that.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This was excellent, but now I'm afraid to have a sandwich for lunch later this morning.
Heh, one of my early history classes discussed this very sort of thing about folklore. It's funny how a totally mundane story can get so blown out of proportion over the years.
Excellent story. You meshed everything perfectly.
2182388
Thanks for the kind words!
In the beginning, I had originally planned on just writing a silly collection of contrived incidents preventing Twilight from eating her lunch, but I realized pretty fast that wouldn't give me much room to flex my writing muscles.
2182457
Pinkie and Fluttershy's stories are the reason I decided to call a 'Teen' rating on this, rather than 'Everyone'.
2181851 You and me both. This is better than some episodes of the show.
This was great. Really felt like an episode. If this was just a writing exercise for you, I may as well hang up my keyboard.
2182967 Actually, Pinkie's could actually work. Poisonings have been introduced to kids. Snow White and the poison apple for example. Or Sleeping Beauty. Though here it is a bit more... permanent. Anyways, Fluttershy's would be the one that would be problematic as young kids may not understand the whole food chain thing and vegetarian propaganda isn't something Hasbro would want to be accused of.
But seriously, if the guys at Hasbro need episode ideas, they oughta come over here.
Wow, this was a pretty good read.
Felt very episodic!
Well done, my friend. Liked and faved.
Did you reference Daemon of decay's "Asylum", with the Broadhoof thing?
I thought this was a well written and beautiful story. All the characters felt right, and the plot was quite complex, considering it was about a sandwich. Well done.
2187670
I did, indeed.
2187695 Awesome. Just... awesome.
Reminds me of the origins of Scootaloo story.
Wow... that was really, really wonderful, and even better, unlike a lot of fics, it really kept with the feeling of the show. Beautiful job, and keep it up! You just made this site, well... about 20% cooler.
I have to agree with the majority of reviewers here in this was an excellently done story. You portrayed the characters in a very believable manner, consistent with canon, but with imagination as well.
This one has earned an up-vote and has become the newest addition to my Favorites folder.
Oh... by-the-way... I'll be stalking YOU...
Hey Maphysto, here are my thoughts on your story. Let's do this!
First, the title/synopsis: Personally, I don't care for over-long titles, especially "In Which" ones. I couldn't honestly say why; they're just a turn-off for me. It's actually why I had initially skipped this story when I saw it up. I'm glad that I've read it, and I feel silly for having dismissed it so readily based on the title, but hey, pobody's nerfect.
Your synopsis is excellent. It's concise without giving away the entire story, which is what you want to see in a description. Too often, I see story descriptions that are either character descriptions, where the characters (normally OCs) are detailed in length; ranging from their colour scheme to their motivations, or summaries, where the author gives away all major plot points in what is essentially an abridged version of their story. Kudos, good sir.
Second, your formatting/spelling/grammar: Your formatting was perfect, from what I saw. You have indented paragraphs, new lines for new speakers, space between each paragraph... I could go on. Your spelling and grammar are also top-notch. There were a few instances where I felt the wording in a sentence was a bit awkward, but it's really just nitpicking, so I won't include examples. I know that folks normally only include a critique on grammar and the like if something's wrong with it, but fuck that, I'm a rebel.
Third, the story/characters: While this plot may have been done before, you have done a damn good job with it. The way you incorporated a different urban legend into each of the stories while still keeping a central theme throughout each was very well done. When I got to the ending, I was a bit concerned as to how you would tie it all together, but you pulled it off without a hitch. The pacing was good; it didn't feel like you were screaming toward the ending, nor did it feel like you were stuffing the story with filler to lengthen it.
Your characterizations were spot on without feeling contrived. I can think of no higher praise for canon characters. Most times people will go to either side of the spectrum; giving canon characters new and strange traits without proper introduction or explanation, or making them so painfully in character that it reads as a parody (Often with Pinkie.) I'm happy to say that neither case was present in this story.
If I had to pick one thing to critique, I suppose it would be the urban legends sections. Don't get me wrong, They're written well. It's just that there were times where it felt that the stories weren't being recited by the character telling them. I feel like this is most evident in Applejack's and Rainbow's stories. It's not glaring, or anything, I just felt that sometimes the character's voice came off as the narrator's voice, if that makes any sense. The story that I felt captured its teller's voice flawlessly was Rarity's, hands down. I could definetely see her reciting a story like that in the show.
In conclusion, I have to say that this was really well done, and kept my attention throughout. Sorry I judged it based on the title, at first. I'm a narrow minded asshat sometimes. I normally strive to just be a regular asshat.
Cheers!
2192888
Thanks for your review!
I suppose I just like the humorous juxtaposition of a simple or silly story having an overly-serious title.
As for the urban legend segments, I had originally planned on writing them in each character's idiom, but when I hit on the idea of ending with Twilight deciding to write a book on folklore, I felt it would be better if they all had a shared style. That's why each segment and Twilight's dedication to her friends are in italics...they're essentially excerpts from Twilight's book.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for your kind words!
I love the setup to this story! I just hope that I would, one day, be as good at this as you are!
Just the right amount of silliness. I could see this as an actual episode.
Man, when I first saw this title I thought the entire thing would be about her contemplating eating a sandwich with a fit of comedy.
This was nice though. It had the feel of a real episode. :) But I have to do this...
How some people expected it to end:
-She picked the sandwich up, brought it to her mouth...
...And took a bite.
And suddenly, everypony looked back as a burst of light flashed behind them. As they did, various amounts of flesh and lavender fur swept over them in a quick and final splatter as Twilight blew into thousands of pieces.
The end.
So it's unacceptable for them to eat a chicken that's already dead, but ok for them to bake an unborn chicken (egg) into baked goods.
2181851>>2183084
You win!
Of all the stories I have read on this site, this is only the second I have read that should be an episode (minus Pinkie's and Flutter's parts).Yeah, you're that good, my friend, you're that good.
Seeing as someone else already left an awesome review, I'm just gonna list my reactions to this awesome tale of hilarity you've "cooked up" (pun completely intended).
When I started reading the urban legends each character had, I immedeately thought Scooby Doo on AJ's(don't ask)
Rarity's screamed Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending.
Rainbow's seemed a bit like the movie Ratatoulle.
Pinkie's gave me a Scooby Doo/Pheonix Wright vibe (again don't ask).
And Flutters was just
All through the story, I was wanting Twilight to say "THIS IS MY SANDWICH! AND I'M GONNA EAT IT!"
And I think thats about it.
Oh, and because no one has done it yet, allow me to be the first to say:
"SANDVICH!!!"
This was hard to get started on. The premise, the tags, the description, the single chapter... It was all extremely ungrabbing. All the signs were there of something I wouldn't enjoy.
Once I dug past that and actually read the story, I received the opposite of an Oatfield Cafe sandwich.
It was still slow to get through at first. I wasn't really invested in the story until the third folk-tale recounting. At that point, I had to finish it. The ending delivered well. The ending was very remarkably rewarding, in fact. Kudos for that.
Awesome story, totally gave me the laughs. The short stories were pretty well thought out, as well as the final resolution.
Extra little bonus. I just had to
2286057 Only fertilized eggs produce life. All the other eggs are just food.
Literally, the entire egg is food for the unborn chick (primarily the yolk). If it is not fertilized, a chick would not be produced, and therefore the animal would lay an 'empty' egg that still has the 'food'.
Now I feel like eating over-easy eggs
2286404
I've never actually seen Ratatouille, but I know it involves a food critic.
2286523
Glad you enjoyed it in the end! Do you have any suggestions on how the early portion of the story could be better paced?
2286530
~Sandvich and Twilight going to beat your ass~
I thought the sandwich was really cursed, and that the curse makes them talk about the curse to someone who will eat the sandwich, preventing them from eating the sandwich.
2286558
I believe the problem is that Applejack's version of the tale does not justify the curse. The reader is left confused rather than intrigued. Applejack has the weakest curse tale. Somewhere in the middle, with Twilight Sparkle pointing out that Applejack didn't explain how the cafe could be cursed at all, would've been better. Applejack just gave a justification for a tradition of sandwiches not being served.
Rarity did the same thing. Rarity's tale is quite impressive, but again, it's not a curse. It's a tradition. It fits in well for the story overall, but it needs to go after somepony talking about a justification for an actual curse. Having the first two tales be not actually curses just hits the wrong note.
On that note, Fluttershy's story (although sufficiently creepy and appropriate for inclusion) also technically fails to establish a curse.
This leaves Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie with the stories that are 'real' curses. To establish reader interest, one of those should be the first story recounted.
I don't see how you writer's do it. You take a simple sandwich and turn it into a five course meal of literary gold! I am going to stalk you now. Just so you know I'm there and can worry about it.
What the...
This is bloody brilliant. Favoriting. Simply excellent, lol--I never wouldve expected such an enjoyable story about a sandwich.
"In which blank tries to do blank" titles have always made me think that stories with those titles are troll fics, but now that I tried reading this one, I have found a extremely enjoyable story.
2286057
Don't be silly. Chicken eggs cleared for consumption are unfertilized eggs that couldn't hatch chicks anyway.
They're not chicken abortions. They're chicken menstruations.
2287340
Welp. There went my appetite.
2286057
Or baked bads.
Extremely palatable.
Have a mustache.
I was eating a sandwich while reading this... the irony is not lost on me.
This could totally be an episode. Very entertaining.
I feel like this was a means for you to see how many good opening paragraphs you could write in a short time. If that's the case, I kind of want to see what would happen if the story itself was your main focus.
If not, then I'll just say this: You wrote a lot of really good openings in this. To say nothing of the rest of the story.
This was really amazing! I loved how it seemed like a simple comedy story, but turned into a really accurate look at how legends progress through a culture. Fantastic, 10/10 easily.
Once you get past the credibility question of why the restaurant in question would continue to offer the item on the menu under the circumstances, this is a great read. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
2287891 Because reprinting menus is expensive, and the newest chef thought most ponies would buy sandwiches anyway, and for a time had the ingredients in stock and fresh. In fact Twilight might not be the only one who ever ignores the curse, it just tends to be bad because they forget to get fresh bread regularly. Also not all the ingredients are sandwich only I'm sure.
2288088
Fair enough. Also, it's great if this is also the restaurant featured in "Ticket Master", as the title picture suggests, continuing the 100% failure streak.
2182388 convinced me to give it a read. I largely agree with 2286523. Rough start, but the cumulative effect of the folklore is better than its individual parts, and Twilight wrapping it all up at the end is done well.
I'd strongly urge you to remove the "Comedy" tag. Even if there are laughs, the strength of this piece has nothing to do with its jocularity.
I was expecting the stories of the curses to be presented from the point of view of the ponies that were talking to Twilight, and so it was awfully disorienting to have Applejack's story start with talk of gemstones and Rarity's story start with talk of trees. In isolation, I like the narrative voice of the folk tales, but I think it would be far more effective (both for the story itself and as a display of your writing talents) to have written them in the individual voices of the characters.
All in all, well done for a first posted story!