One-Shot
The Conversion Bureau - Kenny
Dan's Comments
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.
Kenny waved good-bye to the last of the technicians he worked with, as the woman entered the Conversion Bureau. She'd said some nice things about their working together, and about him personally, and her fervent wish that he follow her, to 'at least try'. He'd accepted the compliments with good grace, and reminded her that the work at the Institute wasn't complete. The few days they had left might make all the difference. She'd tearfully hugged him as she hurried inside. The Time of Man would be ending within the week, and only the most diehard weren't scurrying to the Conversion Bureaus to survive the onslaught.
Kenny still had work to do, work he'd continue right up to the end. He walked through the rows and rows of abandoned automobiles and trucks. Some have little AIs, he thought, knowing personally how difficult it was to teach an AI how to drive a vehicle in traffic, and how advanced they had to be. They'll be gone by this time next week. Is it wrong to be sentimental about entities little more advanced that clever pets, but they'll still 'die' as surely as their human creators will? I wonder what will happen to all the pets? They aren't as intelligent as their Equestrian counterparts, or are they counted as 'human creations' as much as the buildings and the technology?
The musings didn't distract him enough to fail to notice the purple shape paralleling him several rows away. Combat training more extensive than anything the Equestrians could imagine had been drilled into him. As well as an unshakable loyalty to Humanity. One that even imminent death could not discourage. Well ma, are you proud of your boy? he mused as he stopped and waited.
"Twilight Sparkle, come out," he called to his shadower.
The Element of Magic appeared next to him. "How did you know it was me, and how do you know me?" she asked.
"I'd love to have time to study how you do that," he admitted, "It would make my job so much easier. I have studied all of you, the Bearers, the Princesses and any pony of influence. Why the sudden interest in me? You've never shown any before."
"We have security footage, you've dropped off at least 57 people."
"Eighty-three," he replied.
"But you've never come inside yourself," she offered shyly, "You are aware of what's happening? What will happen in a few days?"
"I'll be dead, along with whatever members of Humanity remain on this planet," he replied without emotion, "Does that adequately sum it up?"
"You can go to the Conversion Bureau, no one will think less of you," she said and gave a lopsided grin, "There's not really many left to think less of you. Your former colleagues won't."
"I'm sorry to disappoint, but there's still work to be done, and miles to go, before that sleep," he replied, "Besides, I don't think you've been completely honest about the Conversion process."
"What?" She jumped back.
He laughed. "I'm not HLF," he assured her, "While I am military, I don't hate you ponies. I just think you have such a poor grasp of humans, which is why you can't even see what they lose when they undergo Conversion."
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.
"Have you ever had a discussion with one of the Newfoals, after they calm down post-Conversion?"
"I know they're happy," the unicorn replied.
"But that's all they are. Not to be cruel, but they are effectively brain-dead or addlepated, so 'happy' they are of absolutely no use except as brute labor," he replied, not sharply, but she winced. "The first wave of artists who converted, have any produced a painting, sculpture, piece of music, or literature to match what they did as a human?"
"I - don't know," the unicorn admitted.
"You don't know? Then I'd safely say if you haven't encountered it, it hasn't happened. All those creative geniuses, and not even a bad piece of fan-fiction or an Equestrian travelogue out of all of them." He glanced at his watch. "I'm afraid I'll have to cut this short. I have work to do."
"Can I talk with you as you drive?" she asked, trying a gamine smile, but he was immune.
If I let her in the car, I won't drive as I usually do. I'll drive in 'chauffeur-mode', he thought, then decided, I'd rather have someone to talk to.
"Very well, but with no other cars on the road, I am a bit more reckless than most find comfortable," he said.
"Rainbow Dash tried to drive once. I'm glad for seat belts and air-bags," Twilight replied.
He proceeded to his car, and activated the remote door open.
"Fancy," Twilight said of the car, and the interior. She enjoyed the seats, snuggling into the soft upholstery.
"Considering we have a whole motor pool, I can drive what I wish," he replied and let the security AI verify she wasn't carrying any surprises.
Pulling out of the parking lot required dodging a pack of feral dogs, but no other distractions. He considered asking about their fate in 'New Equestria' but stayed on his original point, "As I was saying, Miss Sparkle."
"Please call me Twilight."
"I'm sorry, Miss Sparkle, as you are an ambassador, this is as informal as I get. The Ponification process takes away the darker human elements. But it doesn't give any corresponding advantages. At least not for living on Earth."
"We have colonies set up on Earth already," she replied, glanced at the speedometer, blanched, and continued looking out the windshield.
"Yes, and how many ponies have died of this planet's myriad natural disasters and treacherous, pegasus-resistant weather, versus the same number who died of all causes in Equestria?" he asked.
"Excuse me?" she replied in confusion.
"Let's take it more simply. In the two years you've had permanent colonies in areas overtaken by the Barrier, how many years of total deaths in Equestria would accumulate the same death toll?" he asked, "That should exclude clashes between ponies and humans. Just deaths by natural conditions."
"Fifty-seven," she answered, "Years."
"And that's with a radically smaller population. When you get your other colonies set up here, you are going to be facing deaths on a scale you aren't prepared for. Do you really think that humans and the other creatures on this planet developed such savagery by happenstance?" he asked, "Or because they were inherently evil?"
"There is some evidence," she said quietly.
"The planet itself is trying to kill them. Only those able and willing to fight back survived," he corrected, "With everything being tested the same way, everything got tougher, and more savage. Or they died. More species have died on this planet, before humans arose, than have existed during or after humanity's rise. Two-hundred and fifty million years ago, the Siberian Traps erupted. For a million years these eruptions continued, destroying 90% of all species on the planet. It took about thirty million years to recover from those eruptions. Humans didn't arrive on the scene for over two-hundred and forty million years. The volcanic eruption in prehistoric times may have nearly exterminated the human race. That's not counting earthquakes, forest fires and hurricanes. You ponies are used to the staid and domesticated Equestria, this planet will buck you off and stomp on you out of pique. You and your people are going to find taking this planet, and holding it are two entirely separate undertakings. I don't think you and your people are up to the latter. The Newfoals certainly aren't."
"You act like we're invaders," she complained.
"Believe me, if we thought you were invaders or learned later you were, you would have been greeted very differently. Your ponies have never lacked human help in any endeavor on this side of the Barrier. You came, offering friendship, and we needed a friend. But you aren't the saviors you want to believe yourselves to be."
"But human pollution, and the legacy of wars and strife?" Twilight asked.
"The first would have soon been brought under control. Take a look back at the western nations of the 1930's 40's and 50's and China of the 2000's for real pollution. Coal ash everywhere, horse manure on the streets, and the occasional dead horse. They started cleaning things up as soon as they got affluent enough to value a clean living space instead of just getting the resources to survive. With the advent of the AIs, suddenly no one had to work. You arrived in the social upheaval that came from the paradigm shift of having to work to survive, to having to work just to occupy your time. Thousands were already working on conservation plans. In ten years, it would have been in full swing. You just gave them a way to arrive there without waiting, or thinking about the problems."
They rode in silence for a while. "Speaking of conservation," he said, "Are you ready for the resurgent wildlife? Humans didn't take the title of top predator away from dogs until the advent of firearms, which ponies universally eschew. There were still instances of wolf packs attacking armed soldiers into this century. Imagine, a place where a pack of animals could threaten a soldier with an automatic weapon. Your ponies are going to be facing that when they take full possession."
"I hadn't considered that," she admitted, trying to curl up in the seat as if to avoid these unpleasant realities. "But what does that have to do with you refusing Conversion?"
"I don't want to be a pony," he said flatly. "You aren't prepared to live on this world, and I don't want to try knowing I'll fail. Besides, eventually your people are going to want to safely colonize this planet. They're going to have to do it, as humans."
Twilight stared. "You think Equestrians will willingly become Human?"
"Certainly. With all there will be to learn, and discover? With all the open lands to set a plow to, and the adventure of being another species? There'll be plenty of ponies who'll want to take a Humanification treatment and become human. By then they'll also have made the connections that you ponies aren't as magnanimous as you claim. After all, you're leaving behind a huge number of sentient, even sapient beings."
"We offered Conversion to anyone and everyone who would take it," Twilight said.
"Not everyone, just every human," Kenny said as he pulled into the huge underground garage under the institute. "What about the AIs? The machines that humanity created to run their factories, their power plants, the ones who looked after everyone, ponies and humans, when your arrival and conversions began throwing society into chaos? They have by and large, stood ready, doing their duty until the end. Until the Barrier claimed them. Your people don't even understand their sacrifice. Many of the largest were as aware and self-aware as any pony, yet they knew you would be destroying them, without the salve of Conversion. Rather disingenuous to claim to be saving 'everypony' when you were patently ignoring the very 'people' who made your operations possible."
"But they are machines aren't they?" Twilight asked miserably, "Not able to think, like humans or ponies, right?"
"Do you honestly think the Bureaus would have continued to receive power, garbage pickups, mail delivery, and even police protection without the AIs tacit approval of your mission? Or without their loyalty to their creators?"
"They are machines, programmed to operate that way," the unicorn countered as Kenny pulled into the car's parking space.
"Not really. As I said, you don't really understand them. Do Equestrian cows get to vote? They are as intelligent as ponies," Kenny commented as he unlocked the car and got out.
As he opened the door on her side to help Twilight with the safety belts, he asked, "Or does Princess Celestia simply assign all your leaders?"
"She assigns most of them," Twilight said.
"That's the other reason I prefer not to become a pony. No Newfoal would be able to scrape together the mental horsepower to debate the rights of self-determination and sentience like we are. A very good reason not to 'go pony', you're one of Equestria's brightest intellects, and you haven't considered these questions. I've debated the question of loyalty and service, and the all-important question of the rights and responsibilities of 'personhood' with some of the most brilliant scientists and AIs that exist, have existed. The brightest light of Equestria is totally lost on the same subject. I'll hazard to say that humanity's mechanical children are a bit higher up the intellectual food chain than Celestia's best and brightest."
"I haven't studied the texts," Twilight said.
"Not a good showing on your part, Miss Sparkle," he said, "Giving up what I am, to join you, when I won't be able to think thoughts as deep and broad as I can now. Like I said, you've been disingenuous about the conversion process. Although maybe not intentionally."
"That makes it worse," Twilight said as she trotted along, "So, you're claiming that if you were 'ponified', that you'd effectively die anyway. So you aren't willing to undergo conversion."
"That, and I still have work to do. Up there, above us," Kenny said, "There's been a war going on while you've been so carefully disguising and evacuating the human race to safety. The Ciferybi arrived about six-years before your people did. They intended to strip mine the planet, and consume the organic resources, us and every other living thing. The first battle humanity fought against an alien species. We defeated their constructor fleet. But they sent a message. We'd next face a battlefleet. The second battle was six-months after your arrival. Out near Io and near the orbit of Mars. Your Conversion Bureaus kept everyone's eyes on Earth, while a small handful of human warriors and their machines fought off the invaders in a game of ambush and counter-ambush that lasted the better part of a year. The survivors, and many reinforcements are up there, on the Moon, on Mars, and other places, preparing for the next wave."
"So, you're going to join them?" Twilight asked hopefully.
"No, the battles were too much for me, and someone has to ensure the combined knowledge, art, literature, music, culture and history of Earth survives out of the Barrier's reach. The Children of Earth, descendants of her birthing, or converts from Equestria, will eventually want it back. And it will be waiting for them, on the Moon and elsewhere. Along with the planet's defenders. Even if it takes a millennium, we will be waiting." He said as they walked out of the garage and into a long, underground hallway.
"How will they survive?" Twilight asked as they entered the metal-roofed corridor, "Humans don't have that kind of lifespan, and wouldn't breeding require a large population and resources?"
"They have them," he told her, "Some of your ponies were let in on the real story, at first they were properly horrified, then they saw the truth of this new world, and their help has been invaluable. Lyra Heartstrings would have a closetful of medals if they could have been brought through the Barrier." He let Twilight be surprised, then added, "And Princess Luna."
Twilight gasped.
Kenny had more. "You've seen the little neck piece they and a few others wear. The heavy cord tipped with aglets running through a neck clasp. It's a bit of an in-joke, but maybe her Highness will share. She walked four worlds in this system, Earth, the Moon, Mars and Io. And when the enemy broke us, and killed our battlefield commander, she managed to turn our route into a counterattack on par with 'Manstein's Miracle'. In the end, she realized what we'd have to do, and kept the truth from the rest of you. You wouldn't understand." He walked out of the corridor into a huge, underground bay. Several people nearly identical to him moved boxes or worked equipment, a few more were visible in the office, running scanners and operating computers.
"Then explain it to me!" Twilight shouted, "How can a human, a whole group of humans, be so ready to die for his people, and Equestria, yet not want to be part of what he was trying to save?"
Kenny smiled and pointed back towards the corridor they'd just walked through. Twilight's eyes widened as she caught details. The battle damage, of entire sections scooped out by fire, of the large machine she'd just walked under thinking the space between the track assemblies was a corridor. And the letters, as tall as she was painted on the war hull. KNY.
"Now really, Miss Sparkle, I hardly think I and my drones would fit," the huge machine told the stunned mare with a chuckle.
Crossover of MLP - Conversion Bureau by Blaze
and The Bolo Series by Keith Laumer
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For the honor of the regiment indeed.
Part of me was thinking this was Kenny from South Park. But, in reality, it was a beautiful philosophical debate.
2172381
After the Barrier closes in, Twilight rushes to a meeting with Celestia, Luna and the rest of the Mane 6.
'Oh my god we killed Kenny! We're bastards!'
+1 cybercookie for the "Reason you Suck" speech. Yeah, easy for the ponies to claim the higher morality when humans are the ones who were raised in a Lethal World.
Anyway, I would have prefered a less retarded Twilight as opponent.
2172650
Please note the lack of 'Complete' tag. Who said Twilight was the opponent?
brings up some very valid points... we evolved in a world that tries to kill us at every turn despite some of its beauties, while equestria seems to be mostly docile
Well, this shot to my favorites with the fury of a Hellrail
2172650
She's not retarded, just innocent. If you grow up in a mostly innocent world, you grow up mostly innocent. Let's face it, the villains of Equestria aren't even a patch on some of the things we've done to ourselves. We're skilled at that. Even Tirek would consider us to be someone he could learn from.
Wow, this is really good.
Hmm, interesting... but me being me I was slightly confused by the end. Even though I dislike this because it's TCB, it was well written and interesting so definitely you deserve a thumb. (for whatever good it's worth)
The bolos are huge AI run tanks. They have personallities but they are also very good at what they do. Destroy the enemy.
you know... i never considered the AI's of a conversion bureau world until now... good job and i kinda hope you continue this.
I know this is completed, but you really need to expand this.
2176927
The chapter title is one-shot. That doesn't describe the length of the story.
2172820
As long we ignore any input that John Ringo had in this series we should be fine.
2176946
But Paul and George are all right? I'm not sure how Beatlemania will save them. I'm confused.
Ringo didn't create the bolos. So no worries :)
Well, I don't have much knowledge about the source of the crossover material, so pardon me if it flies right over my head in the following text.
But actually, I simply think it is curiously strange that this kind of dialogue apparently happens far, far, far later than it should and ought be. Are they really that secluded from interactions with humans, that it is not until humanity is going to be extinct in a week that someone attempts to calmly and collectedly explain what's wrong with their basic ideas?
If Twilight is really as it seems, able to carry out basic intellectual reflection (unlike in many CB fics wherein she just mindlessly follow orders from the dear Sun Goddess and/or utterly unable to even try to think about human morality and actions in an empathic way), shouldn't that kind of exchange happen a little earlier on average, like shortly after first contact? Or is the chance god screwing with humanity again?
Anyway, adding non-human sentient lifeforms into the equation is certainly a very fresh perspective. I would follow with interest.
2176963 John Ringo is a military sci-fi author who contributed to the bolo setting. He is also awful.
Not bad but its not my cup of tea.
2177950
People have probably shouted it at her as she trotted past, and she knew the shouters would run straight for a bureau when the Barrier came close. Now a seemingly rational person is saying, yes it'll be here Thursday, I'm still not going to let you save my life.
She could discount it earlier, because it would be a hypothetical. The same as stars saying 'if x wins the election I'm leaving the country', versus somebody setting themselves on fire in protest. It's not when someone says it that matters, it's when you actually listen to it that matters.
Thank you.
I think it needs to be my drones and I rather than I and my drones... but that's just me.
This could have a continuation.
Very good i hope to see more
Interesting, I would not have expected bolos to be involved in such a TCB story, also, IIRC some of the bolos where actualy cyborgs, aka a human brain placed withen the bolo. I have to add, just cause no one has yet, I would expect your meaning a bolo tie? Not sure the correct spelling though. I also like the bit hidden in there where KNY implied that thay alowed conversion, if only to get the non-combatants somewhere safe.
Uh, why are Earth's inhabitants going along with this? I mean, if we have very large, high-mark Bolos, then FTL drives should be available... But then he said that this was first contact. Huh. So all the other stories in the Bolo Universe that take place when they're already at war with another species is written from the point of view of those humans and ponies who survived conversion?
I posted this review on Spacebattles:
The "Kenny," story was all right, but it didn't really bring up any new points I haven't heard before. And it honestly feels like the Bolo crossover was just tacked on at the end. It doesn't really feel like a Bolo story, which is a shame. I'm a huge fan of Bolos, their triumphs, their tragedies. Gloriously battling the enemy until they are incapable of fighting anymore, heroic sacrifices... Hell, there are some Bolos who fight back even after they've been converted into "Peaceful," purposes. One was used as a tractor and used his sophisticated bio-engineering equipment to make massive plagues that made the aliens who tried to invade and occupy declare the world "Off Limits," and "A Death World." Then there was another who was turned into Mining Equipment, but still fought off an alien army trying to overwhelm human settlers. And let's not forget the ones who were turned into Satellites, who still managed to kick ass.
Their angst is so well done in so many stories (leaving aside some of John Ringo's work (Road To Damascus)), showing a machine that supposedly HAS no emotions, yet they convey the pain of loss, the sorrow of watching friends die, the grim determination of war, the rage at the hated enemy...
This? "Kenny," could have been about any random yahoo that walked up to Twilight and started a conversation with her. You could have put in Delenn, or Gandalf, or even the Doctor and the conversation could still have hit all the points that the story hit.
If the humans knew ponyfication = a lobotomy 'I mean if the IA are aware of it then most people would be' then why would the humans go along with it let alone not tell the pony's to fuck off I mean Luna already agrees with them apparently.
2190839
Most of the Conversion Bureau stories assume most humans are sheeple, willing to give up everything for a chance at a different life, but unwilling to fight the existing power structure to fix the problems around them. So the majority of them wouldn't notice. There's also the Barrier which will eventually disintegrate all humans and human-made things on the planet. Right down to the buildings, books, paintings, everything. That's why Kenny wonders if the domesticated animals will fall victim to it, after all there's nothing inherently 'human-made' about a statue, it's just a chopped up bit of native rock, but they get vaporized along with everything else.
Anyone really aggressive about not going pony has been quietly slipped into the outer space bases to fight, manufacture or work on the Humanification potion. Or has been disappeared by various forces. They either been assassinated or forcibly ponified.
Besides, if the AIs control the media, how much real information does the population get? Can you get an accurate count of smog deaths in Peking/Beijing?
2186801 They did exactly that. Evacuate the planet, fight it out and let the barrier 'fix' things. Once it fades, humans and adverturous ponies can come back, as humans. A win-win in the long run.
, it's a failing but I admit it. 
This is a Pony story with Bolos in it. Not a Bolo story with ponies in it. (I've got one of those in the works too). The Conversion Bureau universes have no FTL drives (if they did, they'd find Equestria and bombard it with asteroids) they barely have spaceflight. As far as the battles, those were much later mark Bolos than would be available in 2060-2085. Kenny is actually far too advanced for the time period, but Moore's Law wasn't well understood. The drone certain felt angst for the other AIs, the human pets, all the while trying to preserve the best of human culture. Bolos don't angst in the middle of the endgame, they are too busy doing and analyzing.
2189812 First, there's no complete tag, the story is still unfolding. I cut it there because I like to freak out Twilight
There is another chapter in works.
i just got something my real nickname is Kenny I am actually being serious about it.
2172461>>2172381
When I first read that comment I was like
thedistractionnetwork.com/images/goofy-babies-059.jpg
But then I read the fic and I was like
cdn.www.babble.com/wp-content/blog_uploads/7/files/viral-babies/emerson-mommy_s-nose-is-scary-original-youtube.jpg
2197401
When will it be out? I liked this.
Really loved your story. I can definitely say that this is the first story that has managed to condense all that I have felt towards TCB in one perfectly structured story.
I have no idea what this is a crossover with, I assumed South Park at first and thought that Kenny was a grown up Kenny Mackormic (I know it's spelled wrong), but I love how he completely deconstructs the TCB Universe so logically and with what I imagine is a cheerfully indifferent smile. If only he addressed how ponies can't really be considered universally pacifists like they claim if some of them force ponyfication.
Definatly one of the better fanfic's I've read. What is more, I am also going check out this 'Bolo series'.
3293556 I thought the same thing, since when kenny dies he is 'reborn'.
3454719
Right, I thought that the process wouldn't work on him because of that.
Brilliant fic, just brilliant!
what is this a crossover with?!?!
and whens the next chapter?
Would the answer be... Bolo ties?
Pretty good start; I'd love to see the direction this goes, either from the bolos' or Twilight's view. Esp. Twilight, as she's just had her worldview turned around, as well as just been out-debated. Most intellectuals won't let that kind of thing go...
I thought this would be a South Park crossover.
God how I love stories that make me think, please write more of this you brilliant person you. Also this story needs a lot more view and likes.
is this dead?
Okay, this was interesting, but confusing.
I'm not entirely certain how your bubble is affecting Earth, but it seems like it's just "ponifying" the Earth's surface without actually absorbing it like in most TCB stories. If so, the high casualties the ponies are seeing would stop as soon as the bubble passes over them. Physics and animals would be just like back home, and the colonies should flourish.
Along those lines(and I'm not sure how the two planets would remain connected after the bubble passes...), the ponified planet would be an idyllic paradise. Any off-Earth humans would come back to find everything destroyed...and it's just fine. Aliens would c*** their pants at Celestia's Solar Beams and the M6's Orbital Friendship Canon, though.
Next...why aren't the AIs just going up in rocket ships? Or the remaining humans on Earth, for that matter? I haven't read the other side of the crossover(although it sounds interesting
), but it sounds like all the spacey stuff is being kept secret. Why? The world is literally about to end, and they aren't evacuating all the people and AIs who c/don't take a purple pony potion? And they have superpowerful AIs who aren't doing anything? 
BTW can you link me to this Bolo series? It looks cool.
edit: Forgot my other point: Since when has Conversion meant Lobotomy? I know there are a few stories where all Newfoal's endocrine system goes haywire for a few years, but that's mostly to get over the shock of transformation. They still lose the "killer instinct" but that's hardly what makes us human...
4541949
It's a one shot, dude. It's finished.
4823738
It stills says "incomplete"
Maybe we should get him to switch it to "Complete"?
4824038
I didn't even notice.Maybe he forgot the tag?
4833303
He claimed 75 weeks ago that another chapter was in the works.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png?wrap=true
4833650
Huh.
Does the Bolo universe have convincing androids?
4798094 To the contrary. Our ability to kill damned near everything on the planet IS what makes us human. It defines us, shapes us, and makes us what we are.
We had no claws, no fangs, no scales, no natural defenses of any sort. So we taught ourselves to chip rocks and tame fire.
Now most of the animal kingdom fears US. A significant portion OBEYS us. At least one species (the dog) worships us.
i.imgur.com/N99efUv.png