Awakening
Solocitizen
17th of Harvest Season, 10,051 AC
3rd Day of the Running of the Leaves
Red and yellow leaves trickled down from the sky and littered the streets. Each step Lumina and her friends took forced the leaves under hoof to crackle and crunch. School got out no more than an hour ago, and the sun already started its descent beneath the horizon.
After exchanging good-byes with her friends Candy Mane and Field Dancer, Lumina and Mist Nova trotted off down the side road to their neighborhood.
She had known Mist Nova since they started general school at Green Acres two years ago. He was a brown pegasus that acted far more awkward than he really was, but every once in a blue moon he let his guard down, and shined. They met during ninth grade orientation, and stuck to each other ever since. Over the past year, Lumina cultivated a hope that he thought of her as more than just a friend, but it was just a hope, he probably didn’t think of her in that way. The fast glances at each other during class, the frequent private messages, the way he always found excuse to do little favors for her, it was enough for her to hold out hope.
“Say, uh, Lumina.” That was the first he said to her all day, she was starting to think she’d done something to offend him. “You know the autumn gala is coming up, and, well, my family got invited to go this year, and I was wondering if you wanted to go, with me, cause I get to bring along one guest, unless you already got plans for that day, then that’s understandable. Even if you don’t have plans and just don’t want to go that’s fine too.”
Yes! Lumina blushed and restrained herself from exploding with glee. Instead she just took a deep breath, picked her words carefully, and played it cool. She flicked her tail.
“Mist Nova, are you asking me out on a date?” No, Lumina! That was probably too cool, just look at the horror on his face.
He stopped in his tracks, and for a moment Lumina feared he might run away or back out of the situation. Instead he swallowed and showed that side of him so rarely seen.
“Yes, I am,” said Mist Nova. “The Autumn Gala is supposed to be one of the most boring events year after year, but I don’t imagine it could be anything but fantastic if you were going with me.”
“I’d be delighted,” said Lumina. “Of course I’ll go with you to the gala.”
“Alright, um, I got to get home.” Mist Nova fought back a full grin. “But, I’ll pick you up at eight, this Saturday?”
“Sounds great, and I’ll wear my best dress. I’ll see you then.”
The two parted ways, but a little further down the street, Lumina thought she heard Mist Nova exclaim: “Woo!”
Lumina trotted back to her home, and as soon as she stepped inside she barged into her father’s office. He was currently fiddling with a holographic schematic of his latest FTL ship. A projector at the far side of his table playing a news broadcast.
“Guess what? I have a date to the autumn gala!” Lumina’s good news only provoked a glance from her father. “I’m going to go get my mane done, and I’ll get my dress cleaned. It’s going to be the best night ever!”
“Let me guess, you’re going with the pegasus from up the street.” Lumina’s father spat out the words.
“Yeah, I am, and what’s wrong with Mist Nova?” Lumina paced about the room. “I’ve known him for years, he’s a great colt, I’d think you’d like him if you gave him a chance. Besides, it’s just a date.”
“Pegasi are the most militant of the three tribes,” said Lumina’s father. “Did you know that military service is mandatory on Empire controlled worlds? Simply put, they’re violent. Why could you find a nice unicorn or earth pony to go out with?”
“They’re not like that.” She flicked her tail and gestured with a hoof as she spoke. “At least none of the ones I’ve met, they’re as nice as everypony else.”
Lumina’s father put his hooves down on the table. With a gesture of his horn, the plating along the hull of the holographic ship lit up yellow, while red lines outlined rail guns in the belly of the ship.
“See this?” Lumina’s father pointed at the weapons. “Those pegasi are demanding control of our homeworld, Equus, by spear point and it looks like the earth pony and unicorn worlds are committing ships to keep it neutral. See what I’m doing here? This isn’t the usual retrofit on a FTL class ship. The Arion Parliament is retrofitting commercial class jump ships for war so we can ferry more attack ships into battle. War is coming and those barbarians are to blame.”
“Yeah, well, I’m going and that’s that!” Lumina gave her father her back.
She expected a retort, or even some form of punishment, at least a raised voice, but none of that came.
Rolling her eyes, Lumina spun around fully prepared to unleash a barrage of harsh words, but when she did the anger in her face melted into fear. Her father's jaw was slack, his body quivering, and his eyes locked onto the news program projected at the far end of the table.
Images of winged gunships and attack ships as slick as a razor’s edge hung in the air. The headline on the hologram read: “Emergency Broadcast. Pegasi Fleet Spotted Less Than Six Hundred Million Kilometers From Planet Arion. Planetary Emergency Declared.”
“What? What’s going on, father?”
“We need to leave.” Lumina’s father shook his head and slumped down in his chair. “Lumina, go pack a suitcase with only what you need to survive. I’m going to get us on the next FTL ship out of here.”
“But what about mom?” she asked. “We can’t just leave her behind.”
“Lumina, I need to protect you. I need to protect us. She is more than welcome to come if she has the means to, but my top priority is our safety. Now go pack your things. We’re leaving this world the first chance we get. Our defense fleet isn’t going to last long but maybe they’ll buy enough time for a few ships to get out of here.”
She walked up to her room in a daze, and when she got there, she sat against her door for a long time. After a while she pulled a suitcase from beneath her bed. The only items she packed were: a toothbrush, the fancy dress she wanted to wear to the gala, a picture of her mother, and a story book her mother used to read to her when she was just a foal. She found her old Twilight Sparkle doll underneath her bed, right behind some unused camping equipment from an aborted family adventure. She held its lumpy body in her hooves for a moment, brushed some of the dust and cobwebs accumulating over its velvet skin, and then tucked it back under her bed.
Lumina got out a datapad and scrolled through her contact list until she found Mist Nova. She tapped the phone app with her hoof and waited until the ringing on the other end stopped.
“Hey Mist, it’s me, Lumina,” she said. “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to go to the gala with you.”
I have no doubt that EQD will accept this. Honestly I’ve loved every second so far and I can’t wait until the next update.
But do take your time. It’s better to be good than rushed.
I been far too slow in making a certain reference I believe.
You're a wizard Lumina.
With that out of the way, goodluck with EQD, yeah not sure what to else besides that. Just goodluck.
2237216
I think you're the first person to actually point out the connection between this fic and LOST. I really drew a lot of inspiration from that show, and I tried to pay homage to it in places. Yeah, and this story is really starting to get intense. Oh man, all the feels are happening in the upcoming chapters.
2238753
Thank you! I'm really happy to hear that so many people are enjoying this fic! I hope it makes to EQD, that would make my week. If it doesn't, eh, I could live with that too. Want me to let you in on a little secret? I'm not actually in the process of writing this; I finished the first draft of "Awakening" some time in August, and I've been editing it ever since then. They still have to be reformatted for fimfic and they need some touch-up work done before they get posted, though.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Awakening
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros: Very engaging story, I loved every minute of reading it. Th flow is great and the details are good enough that I visualize what was happening for the most part. I loved the characters as well. Lumina is a great character, and Animus was great as an AI, before and after he was damaged. I did feel a connection to the characters, I felt bad for Lumina with how her dad acted towards her and what she went through with the doctor.
Cons: Honestly not to many cons in my option, chapter 2 was short, and there are a few mistakes I noted on the chapters I found them in.
Notes Section: Not to many notes I can come up with, maybe a little more explanations on what some of the terms mean like "AC". Also better description of the alien ship, mentally I have it as sorta like the pyramid ship from the Alien Vs Predator movie. Over all I do really like this story and hope to read more of it when you get more chapters finished and published. Also this is my first "official" review so I hope it's helpful
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Awakening
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros:
Some extraordinarily effective world building has been used in your story. Despite having no idea of this future, you've eased us into this pretty darn well. Of course, their are some issues and I would really like to know about why the unicorns and pegasi are at war, and why is magic suppressed, but we already know a lot about the technology and culture at the time.
Lumina is a nice OC that keeps me wanting to follow her.
Plot is progressing slowly, but this is a good thing since we are discovering a lot of stuff and thus, you're allowing us to immerse into this world and figure what happened to Equestria.
Cons: The past/present fragmented view is a bit of an issue since it kind of breaks the narrative flow. I see that the chapters are necessary, but can you do something like... IDK... have her dream about it instead of these rather sudden flashbacks?
Twilight development is sudden, unexpected and you haven't really explained why do unicorns suppress their own magic. Please elaborate in future chapters.
I know you're going for vagueness as hook, but we're chafing at the bit for more background info. If you don't provide this soon especially about why three pony races are at war and what the hell is New Canterlot, then the audience is going to go a little crazy
Not really a con, but it would be nice to have Lumina get a new companion or partner to explore this. By herself... it gets difficult after a while.
Other than that, an awesome story sir. I await to see what Lumina would get up to
Very interesting little story here so far. I am enjoying it.
Something obviously happened in the past to stamp out magic, though I am not entirely sure how that would work with a biologically based source like it is in the show... Something more sinister at work most likely. Twilight, and possibly the other EoH being around is also interesting in the sense that they seem to be tied to a bloodline? Descendants maybe, or just the ones they feel most capable of changing things.
I await future chapters.
2255819
I'm really happy to hear you enjoyed it so much, and I'm super excited about getting into the FimFiction Gold Archives
As for the little grammar mistakes, I'm setting aside a little bit of time over the next few days to try to hunt those down, and while I'm at it I'll make an effort to correct the item lists throughout the piece.
Well, I finished Ch 1, and already I'm very impressed and excited to read more. Now I feel like my own story is rather low quality in comparison.
This will be worth the wait. I hope you make EQD; this story defiantly deserves it.
Here's the review from Authors Helping Authors I promised in return for your excellent review. :)
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros: Three? Three isn't enough! I'm willing to go so far as to say that characterization and plot are spot on. It feels like an individual who doesn't mind spending time alone. It feels like an AI with some personality thrown in. Flight of the Navigator comes to mind in that regard especially.
And when things turn bad, the sense of isolation is impeccable. Not really in a depressing way like Silent Running, just the simplicity of being entirely cut off from everything known, and losing all that she had.
The alternation between present and past works really well. Snapshots of what happened before which give extra insight into what makes the character today flow very well. Already, the sense of being isolated from everyone else is there, in a much less dramatic form of course.
Cons: A few spelling mistakes, some misused words, and the occasional broken sentence. But they are few and far between, very little interruption to the reading flow.
I'm uneasy about the psychological conditioning that came into play, but that's obviously more of a matter of personal preference. I just wouldn't expect to see something dark in that particular way here.
I can't really think of a third con, actually...
Notes Section: This is a very good fic, and obviously under-appreciated because the main characters from the show only appear as hallucinogenic voices. I really do look forward to seeing more!
2270688
I'm glad you liked it! And thank you for pointing out that typo. After all this time, I still haven't fixed all of them.
2264782
I went and checked out Silent Running... and it was the saddest movie ever
You asked with assistance on how to get your story noticed, there are three users who I respect and know have talent with writing/reviewing, and they have quite the following. I'd suggest you talk to them, and ask for advice or assistance on the matter, because by god, there's only been one other author on this site I've read who's first story, also sci-fi, had me so hooked.
Those authors I'd suggest you talk to are:
Bad Horse
GhostofHeraclitus
And lastly,
DPV111
You can tell them I sent you, and if they ask why, you can tell them what I'll tell them if they ask me: you've got innate skill, and I want to see you craft it into something even greater than what you have here.
In fact, I'll start you off and send a message to that last one myself, the other two will be great advisers should you need them.
2272586
Thank you for putting in the good word for me. I'm working on contacting them so hopefully, maybe, they'll start finding their way here soon.
Yeah! all of my favorite tags
This...
This is the sci-fi pony story I've been waiting for. Spaceships? FTL drives? War? Mysterious planets and ships?
It makes me all nostalgic back to the days when I first played Freelancer, or Freespace, or Starlancer..
*Sigh* Most people just don't write stories like this anymore.
2253568 I knew you were going to make EQD. Congrats. Did you think my review was fair?
2291130
Yeah, I thought it was a fair review, and helpful, as well as appreciated.
Not sure who went and disliked our reviews, but it doesn't phase me any. I'm too zen to get bothered by anything like that
Also, thank you!
2291176 Hmm. Didn't realize both our reviews got disliked. Some troll I suppose. Just a question, do you think I have a chance at EQD?
What do you mean by "...and this has happened before?"
Wow. I just went and read all 8 chapters in one go. This is incredible, though you probably already know that, considering you made it to EQD. This is one of those epic stories that I could totally picture myself running around in the background, being awesome. If I have some free time, I want to take a crack at sketching the designs of some of these ships, if that's alright with you. I'm not good at it by any standards, but I 'd love to try.
Keep it up!
-Bass
I usually don't read Sad stories (okay, maybe a little more then "don't"...), But this one is real good. Good writing, I like the way it moves, and it's quite clean.
I'm trying to place why Unicorns can't use their horns for magic, or Pegasi can't fly. Best answer I can think of is close to the same reason over in another Future Post Apocalyptic story (End of Ponies). In that one, Princess Celestia (I think) practically was the biggest Lei Line, and all of the world's magic ran through her. When she disappeared, all magic stopped in the world, and there wasn't any more Cutie Marks.
The Pegasi not being able to fly makes sense, there is no real other way then magic how someone(pony) can be so un-aerodynamic formed and can fly faster then most small planes, then turn on their backs and hover....
Ehhh, I'm picking stories apart again. Sorry...
BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS! Pray continue!
Congratulations! I knew you were going to make it.
This is really cute and epic at the same time. I love the disconnect between the epic Space Pony worldbuilding and the intimate character moments with Lumina, especially since aspects of her are a child at heart. It only helps that you've nailed Twilight's voice in her few scenes thus far. There's a few grammatical errors, but not enough to distract. I unambiguously love this.
Well well well, look who just broke the 100 upvotes mark!
I'm still waiting for the next chapter while writing my own sci-fi story. They're completely different, and yet seeing such brilliant writing here really motivates me to do the same.
Finally a good pony sci-fi. I've enjoyed the story so far and look forward to more. I see hints of Alien and The Matrix in the description of the ship, very interesting.
2291305 Probably that this idea has been used so frequently in science fiction for 'after Earth' stuff.
I shall read, but I'm bothered by the notion that 'this is not an alt-universe'. Technically, it almost certainly is. Given that no one knows where the show will take the world, save that we can be certain it won't be grimdark, and given the immense number of changes which can happen to a timeline, I would say it's quite an arrogant presumption to conclude that this is the only possible future.
Not to mention that I suspect developments in Season 4 will quickly crush the possibility of this being in-line with canon, as is virtually always the case with 'dark future' stories.
That has raised my hackles.
Nice work there Solo, congratulations on making it to Ed^^ Glad to see that your eight months of work paid of.
All this has happened before, and it will happen again...
2291183
Yeah, I think you have a fairly good chance at making it. It will probably take a couple more rounds of editing, before you hear back from them and after, and you should be prepared to wait a while before hearing from them, but you (and anyone else for that matter) can make it to EQD if you really want to.
2291305
I want to say, but I can't; it would spoil the surprise
2291519
I'm glad you're enjoying my fic! And there's no need to ask for my permission, this is a work of fanfiction, go right ahead
2291820 2293757
Thank you! It's good to know so many people were rooting for this story. I'm just happy that I was able to provide people with something they enjoy reading.
2293703
The reason why it says "Not a cross over and not an alternate universe," in the description was because, while everything fan made is arguable set in an alternate universe, I wanted to emphasize that all the events of the show are canonical within this story's history, and that it doesn't take place in some bizarro mirrored reality where Pinkie Pie had a beard and Celestia was actually Sombra's mother. This piece does not have the alternate universe tag because I felt that adding it would defeat a lot of this piece's themes and major points. My goal is to provide an expansion of the preexisting show and its history, not rewrite anything that's already there. That said, I am a fan and this is a work of fan-fiction. You don't have to listen to me and I encourage you not to take me or that I write too seriously.
2294827
One more question!
I may have just missed it in part of the story, but are there any Zebras left? Think they'll show up later, or an explanation as to why they aren't around anymore?
2294827 Got it, cya l8r, can't wait for next chapter !
I think that the last story to interest me this much was Yours Truly by Thanqol. Awakening is fantastic, and i cannot wait to see what is in store for Lumina.
2294827 Well, so long as you realize that, I'll feel better about where this may be going.
You see, I have seen the phrases 'this is not alternate universe' and 'this has happened before' used a number of stories over the years, and in every case previous to this one, the story was a poorly derivative, needlessly angst-ridden, hyper-melodramatic work filled with self-absorbed preconceived notions of how things MUST be because the author felt himself the most brilliant entity in the cosmos (in spite of not having a clue how anything actually works and the inability to maintain even the slightest trace of internal continuity or plausibility... and being oblivious to the reality that I am, in fact, the most brilliant entity in the cosmos ).
So when I read that line including BOTH of those phrases, every one of my 'BS emo fanfic' alerts went off.
But, since you are well aware that your story is just a fanfiction and that the canon will assuredly end up nothing like it, I shall refrain from blasting you with god-like powers of wrath.
Now... that being said, if I read the tale and am not pleased... *the doorway to pits of Tartarus open* I am one of the OLD GODS AND DEMAND SACRIFICE Like Calvin from 'C and Hobbes')!! The DOOMED SHALL WRIGGLE IN AGONY!!!
2294911
Yeah, the zebras are still around, but I don't know much else about them other than they're rare.
My bad, I added a chapter prematurely
I was editing and my computer derped and tomorrow's chapter got put up. I wasn't even done formatting it, either.
2300275
Aw dangit, I scurried over here in excitement!
2299119 LOST had a coherent plot all through its airing. It's just the ending that fucked up everything.
Wow, really hating her father. And, really really want to know what caused the utter lack of harmony between ponies like this.....
>That was the first he said to her all day, she was starting to think she’d done something to offend him
I suggest replacing the komma with a semikolon
So Teenage Celestia missed her prom? Obvious result: host proms every year for the rest of her life.. Including in other universes. Now that is some repressed psychological trauma.
6434929 Celestia was mentioned?
6897662 He/she is assuming that Lumina is either Celestia reincarnated or the original Celestia with time shenanigans.
6434929
Teenaged Celest-... WHAT!?
8545523
If that actually turns out to be true... Well, like that one chick said when her guild got ninja looted doing MC, "I'm literally going to kill myself right now, see ya."