Awakening
Solocitizen
19th of Winter Season, 10,043 AC
Hearth’s Warming Eve
“Tell me another story.” Little Lumina pulled her Twilight Sparkle doll closer and hugged it tight.
Her mother smiled and scooted her chair closer to her daughter’s bed. Her cheerful eyes and her warm features didn’t allow anything other than the kindest expressions. Lumina had never seen her mother mad. She’d seen her upset, but never angry or in mean spirits. She was a pink unicorn with the blue mane, and she always tried to keep a warm smile across her face beaming strong, just as she was doing that very moment.
“Alright, one more story,” she said. “It’s past your bed-time, but it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve, so why not? What kind of story did you have in mind?”
“The one about Twilight and Nightmare Moon.”
“That’s a long one, but okay.”
The unicorn reopened the book in her lap and began reading.
“‘Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and brought Harmony to all the land. To do this, the eldest sister used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn-’”
“Unicorn powers?” Lumina asked from beneath the covers.
“Yes, magic,” said her mother. “In these stories all ponies are magical and have magical abilities that help them keep harmony throughout the land. Earth ponies tend the plants and earth, the pegasi move the clouds, and the unicorns raise the sun and the moon.”
“I moved a glass of water today with my horn, was that magical unicorn powers? Like the ones the princesses had?”
“Oh, well, I guess so.” Her mother closed the book but kept her hoof on that page. “And who taught you how to move glasses around with magic?”
“Twilight Sparkle, she showed me how to do it.”
Lumina’s mother leaned over and pulled the covers down and smiled at the little filly and her doll.
“Twilight Sparkle, have you been teaching my daughter magic?”
“Not that Twilight, the real one, she talks to me sometimes.”
“Is that so? I think I’ll keep reading, if it’s alright with her.”
“She says to go ahead.”
As the story went on, Lumina slipped deeper in her bed and lost interest in the story. Her attention was on the warm glow of her lamp and the sound of her mother’s voice. Eventually she closed her eyes and just listened.
The door to her room cracked open, and Lumina winced at the new presence. With tired eyes, she looked up and saw her father standing in the doorway. He was a blue unicorn with the most intimidating beard she’d ever seen, but he had a way of putting ponies at ease when he spoke.
“Can I speak to you, dear?” he asked.
“Yes, I’ll be right down.”
Lumina’s father trotted off, and her mother waited till he was gone before she got up and tucked her daughter in. She took the book in her mouth and set it on the table. The light went out and her mother disappeared out the door. Lumina watched everything through half closed eyes.
For a long time Lumina waited, then she climbed out of her bed and slung her Twilight doll over her back.
“There’s something up, Twilight, we’ve got to investigate and get to the bottom of this.” Lumina crept up to her door and poked her head out. “I bet it’s presents. I know you’re not supposed to see them before morning, but I got to get a peek.”
The voices of her mother and father talking in quick and heated words echoed up from the kitchen. Lumina took shelter on the stairs, held Twilight close, and listened.
“Lightning Specter, she is just a filly.” Lumina’s mother moved across the kitchen and cast a long shadow that reached from the kitchen, through the dining room, and over the stairs where Lumina was hiding on. “She’s hardly more than a foal. This is probably just a phase. I don’t see why you can’t let her be.”
“And what if it isn’t a phase? Huh?” The shadow of her father stepped into view. “Did she tell you about how she thinks she can move glasses around with magic? She sounds like one of those freaks you hear about on the news! What if she doesn’t grow out of it, what if she joins a cult when she’s older?”
“Then as her parents we should support her decision,” said her mother. “I wouldn’t agree with it, but it would be her choice to make and not for us to say! What happened to us letting her figure out her own answers to big questions and us staying out of it, or did that conversation never happen?”
“I’ll tell you this much: no daughter of mine is joining a cult. It’s those stories you’re always reading to her. The sooner you stop reading them to her and the sooner she learns that there isn’t any such thing as magic the better.”
Lumina didn’t like that, so she snuck back to her room, shut the door behind her, and hid with Twilight under her bed.
“It’s not going to be okay, is it, Twilight?” Lumina asked.
“Things are going to change,” Twilight said. “You have to trust me that they will work out, just as long as you stay true to yourself.”
“Promise me that no matter what happens you’ll stay with me.”
“Of course, you’re my friend. I’ll always be watching out for you.”
Alright. Time is ticking, so here is what I think about the first two chapters.
It's a great story!
It didn't need many lines to show me, that you invested real energy into this craft. Your grammar is good and the plot is enjoyable proceeding, somehow premising a fatal plot without taking the peace out of order. My favorite so far is the Animus (sounds familiar...), what is programmed to help the sole ponies out there to stay sane, with little details like his acted search-process, letting him appear to be more pony.
Also the cultural changes that took place over the decades are well-conceived, really good.
The only mistake that I scouted is a minor rule of punctuation, which repeats multiple times:
In a series of three or more terms and a single conjunction (or, and, etc), the last term does not receive a comma.
So far I can't see a single reason to reject this from the FiMFiction Gold Archives, and I also have to say that you got my personal interest.
I'm looking forward to read more! (geesh, time...)
Carpe noctem,
Chaodiurn
2255819
Actually you can use a comma before the and in that context.
Also what are the gold archives?
2255819 Yeah, it's completely optional whether one should put a comma in that place or not. The author's way is correct too.
>She was a pink unicorn with the blue mane always tried to keep a warm smile across her face beaming strong
Something's not right with this
You're doing that thing again.
Seriously, it's blatantly obvious that Lumina is a child just from the bit about the doll, you don't need to put the little in there. Unless 'Little' Lumina is a wholly separate character, just use her name regularly.
Anyways, as for the chapter itself, this chapter was as interesting as it was short. Lumina was raised by a loving mother, and a possibly stern father, and apparently 'thought' she could use magic and that her Twilight Doll could talk to her. Raises a lot of questions. I look forward to seeing where this goes. Adios for now.
Oh my.
Into the rabbit hole we go!
5519615 At least it didn't read "the little white unicorn". Given that "little" is often used as a "title" of endearment and similarly used in mainstream literature to preface the names of children, I don't really understand your objections.
So why didn't she show her mother how she moves a glass?