Spike woke as the sun pierced through the tiny slit between the curtains and landed right in his eyes.
He reluctantly got up "Twilight~ what time is-" he turned to see his maternal figure splayed out on the bed, a blonde mare wrapped around each of her limbs. After managing to recover his jaw from the floor he laid back down with a huff.
"You know what? I'm not waking up today."
-------------------------------------
A loud crash resounded through the library, the impact was strong enough to shake the entire tree. Twilight would have woken up at the sound, had it not already been instilled in her subconscious as something to ignore.
Rainbow Dash rose from the mountain of books she was under, "Hey Twi! The girls are downstairs but the guard won't-"
Bang!
The door was all but kicked off it's hinges as the quartet of guards and the remaining elements of harmony flooded into the room.
The entire group looked on with expressions ranging from Fluttershy's abashed blush to Rainbow Dash's just-shy-of-manic grin.
Rarity was the first to speak, "Sorry to barge in, but what is going on here?"
The question was directed to the mares who were strewn about Twilight's bed, all in some way in contact with Twilight.
All four mares were quick to untangle from their still sleeping princess.
At the same time they all tried to take the duty of damage control, "It's not what you think! It's just-"
"-after the mistress ordered us to sleep with her, we were-"
"-we had to, or else she might-"
"-It was this or else sleep on the 'hard floor'. She originally wanted us to-"
"-fell over each other-"
"-then we were all on top of her and-"
"-after we striped her-"
"-but then the blanket slipped and she was so warm-"
The onslaught of explanations was the pinnacle of counter-productivity, as it served to explain nothing while only making the expressions on everypony's face deepen.
Fluttershy looked like she was about to faint, Rainbow Dash had gone through being impressed and now stood in awe of her still-sleeping friend. She didn't know the librarian had it in her! Pinkie looked excited and Applejack was less than amused.
Only when Rarity put a hoof up did the babbling mares quiet down, but not before the final nail of misunderstanding was driven home. The last mare to notice Rarity's calls for silence continued on in the momentary emptiness.
"-she was so soft but then she got mad and it got- oh!"
Applejack looked like she was going to burst right then and there. She stomped out the door.
Pinkie began bouncing on Twilight's bed.
"Twilight! Why didn't you invite us to your slumber party!"
"Wha~?" the purple mare finally began to wake up, "Pinkie? What's going on?"
The guards attempted to catch the pouncing party pony, but every time they lunged she had bounced up to the ceiling.
"What happened? What happened! You had another secret slumber party in the library AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME AGAIN!"
Rarity walked up to the side of the bed, bringing sideways glances from the guards "What she means to say dear, is that we found you rather, ahem, compromised on the bed with these ladies. Would you mind explaining."
Twilight went on to explain how there weren't enough beds, so she offered to sleep on the floor, but when they wouldn't agree she compromised, but when that didn't work she pulled the princess card.
The explanation calmed everyone down a little. Rarity nodded in understanding, Fluttershy came out from behind her mane with an embarrassed smile, and Rainbow dash seemed almost disappointed.
"Well that explains why they were in your bed but now could you tell me who they are?"
"Oh, These are my new, um..." Twilight looked to the girls, "well, they are my servants."
"Bwahaha!" Rainbow exploded in laughter, "Sorry Twi, but I just can't imagine you with servants, well, other than Spike of course!"
"It is rather funny to imagine that our Twilight is now ruling class. ...No offense of course princess."
Twilight rolled her eyes, "As good as it is to see all of you girls, is there a reason you are all in my room so early in the-," she used her magic to open the curtains, spilling light into the room, "afternoon?"
"Well dear, we intended to throw you a little soirée last night but it seemed like a bad time for you though, so we are having it this afternoon instead."
"Ooh ooh! If Twilight's new friends are staying in Ponyville that means I can make it a "Thanks for fixing our cutiemarks/congratulations on becoming an alicorn/ congratulations on becoming a princess/ welcome to Ponyville" party all in one!
Pinkie then grabbed Twilight like a piece of luggage, and lifted her onto her back before sprinting out the door, chased closely by the guards who had failed to prevent a kidnapping right in front of them.
The hooofmadens looked on in shock.
"You get used to it." Rarity said nodding to the door, "If you would all come to sugar cube corner around six we'll show you a proper Ponyville welcome!" Rarity and Fluttershy went out the door, and Rainbow leapt out the window she came in through.
The four mares looked at each other. "Does anyone know where this 'Sugarcube Corner' is?"
-------------------------------------
Preview: "Excuse me ma'am could you direct us to 'Sugarcube Corner'?"
"Sure! Do you know where- whoa!" the blue maned DJ did a double take when she turned from the stall she was patronizing, " I need to get my glasses checked! Seriously! It's like I'm seeing in double again! Quadruplicate! you all look exactly the same! I know this pair of ponies that could have you all straightened up in a jiffy! Come with me!"
The plot you have going on is interesting, and I'm quite amused by the idea of Twilight dealing with suddenly having eight ponies serving her.
However, you should be careful. Your writing comes off as somewhat rushed and sloppy. I have two recommendations for you:
1. Try to build up a bit more material before you submit a chapter. Your chapters up to now are very short, and end just about when I start really getting into it.
2. Brush up on your grammar and run a spellcheck over your chapters. If possible, get a friend or a prereader to look over your work. You seem to miss many commas and capital letters.
"Where do you think Rarity would live if she suddenly lost the boutique?"
Well, In "Bad Seed" we have seen that Sweetie Belle have a room in both her sister boutique and parents' home, and it's not unreasonable to think that, even if Rarity don't use it anymore, she still have her foalhood room waiting for her, just in case.
Aaakwarrdd
Aside from the Rainbow Dash-esque pacing, my only complaint is the irregular capitalization. Remember, names and the beginning of sentences.
Fun Story :)
Where do you think Rarity would live if she suddenly lost the boutique?
Rainbow Dash's House with a long term Cloud walking spell or a ground based Weather Station Office//Home
2153030 Yeah, sorry, I have an itchy shift (and comma) finger.
As for slowing down the pacing, do you think I should have more non-plot-developing side jokes or what? I realize that I'm bookin' it when it comes to pacing, but I just don't know how to slow it down without making the action die... Suggestions would be appreciated!
(and I'll get on that CaPiTaLiZaTiOn thing)
2153104 A recurring gag involving King Sombra's complete infatuation with the new princess wouldn't hurt, no it would not.
You should try setting a minimum word count. Try to reach 2000-2500 words per chapter for the start, without relying on overelaborate descriptions.
Also I'm really liking the story so far. :P
2153141 best idea ever, of all time
If you get the reference i'll give you a cuteness coma
2153030
Yes, I agree, that lack of respect for proper nouns has my eye twitching.
Periodic errors aside, Why is this not featured?!?
2153752 I keep checking, I'm one F#$%ing spot away!!!
2151687 Now think closely on that statement. How does she get there and how does she walk on clouds. She doesn't know the cloud walking spell and she can't fly up to it.
There is a zero there.
Why is there a zero there
Nice but a bit rushed. Still not bad.
I have an idea for a joke. Discord returns, the guards attack him, he gives the whole "Is that how you treat an guest of the princess" routine, and Twilight explains that Discord has been reformed to the guards. Then Twilight asks why Discord isn't surprised to see her new form and he simply says "I'm a spirit of chaos and disharmony nothing surprises me."
Or how about Trixie returning to challenge Twilight only to find out she's an alicorn and Trixie says "How is the Great and Humble Trixie suppose to compete with that?'
2154165 Ooh! I like both of those! I might use them later on!
Thanks for the suggestions!
2154564>>2154165 something you two might like Trixie's Rematch
oh those poor poor guards they're going to have ulcers and Tia's going to get swamped by "For the love of Celestia, PLEASE re-assigne us" letters with in a couple of days
Heh, good "damage control" there from those maids. XD
And the poor guards gonna become heavy drinkers if Pinkie keeps doing her way with Twi. XD
And uhm, AJ didn´t heard the explanation right? Why was she so angry anyway?
I bet the guards wouldn't have minded sleeping in Twilight's bed
Well, she could have just made a Cloud house at ground level with cloud stairs and used the cloud walking spell. I can't picture a (completely bogus and absurd)"Weather Unicorn" not knowing a simple cloud walking spell.
Move in with her parents.
Move to Manehatten.
Move to Cloudsdale
2167682
Guarding Princess Twilight Sparkle (as she lives in Ponyville) is a Class 2 Imperial Punishment for Royal Guards. Also it was enough to break the Blackwing Ops*.
This punishment was later made illegal by the Sparkle Equal Rights/Punishment Act of 2010 A.D, which banned cruel and unusual punishment without just cause. (This thereby made:
eating Celestia's cake
dislike of bananas
failure to wear a silly hat for "Silly hat day"
failure to give Celestia a gift for Hearth Warming Eve
no longer punishable by Twi Duty.)
*Blackwing Ops was Princess Luna's idea, a specialized squad of veteran Royal Soldiers dedicated to maintaining the peace in Equestria through...slightly illegal means (infiltration, assassinations,arson,smear campaigns, theft, etc.)
The Blackwings were shut down after all the members were found in the local Ponyville pond screaming about "the pink one" and how "cake is a lie", a flying blue box,and bipedal creatures looking at them through holes in mid-air. their leader Mad-dog Screw however was found barking under a tree at a white cat.
They are currently in Ponyville psychiatric hospital.
Aaaand that's fic number seven I've read that are so enjoyable at first and then somehow extrapolate Applejack being a rather straight-laced, simple pony is somehow extrapolated into her being hyper-judgemental and assuming the worst of others out of hoof.
(I mean, I shouldn't judge a crackfic too hard, but I don't find that particularly funny.)