• Member Since 10th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Jan 20th, 2014

Zoegrace1


E

After Nightmare Moon's reign over Equestria, young fillies became inspired by her attempts, Fillies began to launch hopeless attempts to take over Equestria, to the point that they caused their own deaths, The adults were more successful, One by one, they were all stamped down, Best friends betrayed each other, Equestria was getting hard to run, and often, the sun would stay up until midnight, because Luna was so busy stomping out everypony who dared to turn evil.
The Elements of Harmony prevailed each time, but then, One filly did the extra miles, Diamond Tiara, and assassinated Twilight Sparkle, and Shining Armour, This was a big blow to the empire, but no-one knew who did the assassination. Diamond Tiara got away, being a 'innocent little filly who hates war,' Later, Diamond Tiara was found sneaking around secret passages, to the back of Celestia's throne, holding a dagger. Celestia was not told the truth who was trying to kill her, but Celestia knew, after Appleloosa's Massacre, Twilight and Shining Armour dead, several fillies turning evil, that for Equestria's sake, Equestria must be destroyed, Ponies sent to the time stream and reset, and finally, Re-build all of equestria from the soil.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 9 )

The description was a little too.....descriptive.....:applejackunsure:

2145174
Well,
I guess so. Good description I guess though?

Also thanks to the person that favourited this! :yay:

2274926
I think I posted the second chapter...
Empty Dirt and Empty Skies, and yes I will be doing more.
Thanks for favouriting.

Comment posted by ChangelingNumber4 deleted Mar 25th, 2013

Okay, I'm going to try to make this well-balanced review. Just hear me out.

First off, your use of commas is incorrect in many cases. There's nothing that makes a reader lose interest more than bad grammar. Look up comma rules online, because you have many comma splices in your writing. Your spelling was great.
Now onto the plot:
- At the beginning, it seemed like you simply listed off the things that had happened to Equestria, while adding in a whole new thing called the "timestream". Why not let the reader figure out what the timestream is themselves? Here's an example.
Which is more interesting?
1: Twilight was tired.
2: Letting her quill fall out of her hoof, Twilight's face fell onto the book again. Her drooping eyelids and low mental state were no match for the powers of the night.
Notice that in the second, I didn't ever literally tell you that Twilight was tired. It's always more interesting for readers when they are inferring things.
-- It seems like there really isn't much driving the plot of the CMC's. Sure, they want to get their cutie marks, but the change from adventuring for cutie marks to bloodied by Trixie is much too abrupt.
------And lastly, always make sure that the plot doesn't completely control the characters, and that the characters have some control over the plot.
Good luck, and keep writing! :pinkiehappy:

2316070
Thanks for the constructive criticism.
*my story sucks I know*

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