SoundBreaker
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- Heavy Rains · 12k words · 48 3 · 1.9k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I could tear this story apart, but what's the point. There will be others, many others to do that, so I'll give the main things:
Lack of basic editing (it's not that hard, copy paste into windows or some other similar program)
Rushed story telling
Unnecessary flashback scene (this was something that could have been handled with a 3-4 sentence paragraph, instead you make it an entirely different scene that only serves to break to flow of your story)
Switching perspectives in a first-person story, and in the middle of the chapter too (First person stories are limited on purpose, your supposed to be telling "your" story. If you want to tell the story from many characters' perspectives, switch to third person; at the very least, make someone else's perspective their own chapter)
I won't even go into alicorn oc, others will do that for me.
2196469 Thank you for that and honestly they do seem rushed because im fucking grounded and shit so im trying to not get caught here. The Alicorn OC has been done to death and I already know that will cause a shitstorm or two. I'm planning on getting rid of the flashback before I continue the story to help the flow a bit and slow it down. Thanks for the person of veiw switch advice I honestly put that in this chapter as a way to see how It would be seen upon by others. So thanks for the constructive criticism.
I'm going to actually favourite this, because while there are errors here and there, with a few fixes, this has potential, and I hope to see that potential being used.
Whatever you do, don't give up, just keep pushing.
One phrase
"I dont fucking know the meaning of giving up"
Well, I gave it a try, but this is only getting worse, not better.
I'm done here.
There is going to be a second part of the chapter but I have decided to couple it up with this one to give it some length. On a side note. Giggity
This is a future reference for anyone who gets pissy about the Alicorn OC. If I did it knowing it would piss people off, do you really think I care if you get mad? I honestly will laugh at the rage because I cause shitstorms on a daily basis. I piss people off on purpose and will probably never stop. So, to all those who are pissed about Alicorn OC. I have only one thing to say. YOU. MAD. BRO.
Was that a legend of Zelda reference
i know what you are saying people have always raged on the Alicorn OC Just because it is an Alicorn and because of that it ma=ust be OP lol
Personally all i thnk you need to do is try to increase chapter length and i have no further complaints (I am also a hypocrite if i complain about the Alicorn OC because I have one in my story LOL)
2381341 Yes, yes it was.
2410329
sweet im kinda a nerd fo that game
2421508 which game because im a nerd for the whole series
Ha that was a fun chapter, I don't care for Mondays either.
very good story so far.
i thought the second part was supposed to be out by now where is it and why havent there been anymore updates to this story
3309949 The one for the next chapter is going to be exponentially longer, I'm trying for at least 7,000 words. The Foreign Exchange Program is something I'm more focused on right now and its barely halfway complete with the 14 drafts I had to scrap because I kept throwing myself into a wall. The next chapter will involve him and Twilight manuvering around the castle and finding the other elements. I apologize for taking so long.
3309997 its alright i just wanted to know hell i actually just re-read the whole thing since the last time i did was a few months ago
2421508
I catch basically any Zelda reference, same as I try to catch every TF2 reference, because I'm a major fan of the games and I love it when people have references to them in their fics :D
3629726
As am I my friend.
Really needs a lot of editting.