The mares of harmony were living in peace. No more mean discord, Nightmare moon is no more, and the Crystal empire is safe once more. But an unexpected change happens.
"Are you KIDDING ME?!!"
"...No...?"
These mares are expecting weird changes. And by weird, I mean Alicorn weird.
"Ooh! A horn! I have a HORN! This is SUPERCALAFRAGILISTICEXPIALADOCIOUS-"
"Shut UP PINKIE!"
...And a secret unfolds.
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it was pretty good i want to see what happens next
Okay as the president of the Alicorn Rainbow fanclub and seeing as this has allusion that she will become one I felt it was my duty to read this fic, this is what I thought.
1) Describe everything in more depth, (use more adjectives) and slow down the passing. Not much happened true, but it still felt rushed somehow.
2) Why does it has a human tag, that is a big turn off?
3) What happened here kind of felt relevant. You may think it is necessary as a back-story for what happens next, but trust me it's not. Try in media res it is a good solid technique that takes us right to the interesting part of the story and leave the readers with the question on their lips of "how did this happen" and trust me that is a good thing. That's why back-stories are unnecessary. You need to make your readers want more and honestly I didn't.
4) I want to say that this is an interesting story that has potential but honestly I can't see any. Yet I don't want you to stop writing stories just because your fist attempt sucks, people always suck the first time they try something. Just practice practice practice and this is a good place to practice in.
2139522
well thank you for the feed back but for the flashbacks I was going to give more in the slumber parties. Also the human tag was actually an accident I took that off. But thanks for it. I'm only thirteen so im not sure I think I need to retype it on word since I'm more comfortable in it. I write my best works on it.
2143142
1) The human tag is not off yet.
2) 13 that's young. And with in media res I was just suggesting that you started at the transformation scene and went forward from there. Remember less is more, don't tell your readers everything.
2145804
Actually that's a really good idea!thank you
....Interesting. I'll favorite it to see what happens.
Looking forward to what's next.
2154215
What he said
The premise seems.....familiar.
You really want avoid sentences or phrases like this. This isn't an anime where you get visual cues nor does everyone who read know exactly what this means. Just say that Fluttershy looked nervous or embarrassed. Whichever fits best.
2176702
Ha! You're right! I'm just so used to writing like that! Thank you
2179512 No problem. The easiest way to avoid that is reread as you write them. Some find saying them out loud helpful, but basically reread and make sure it fits in with the theme of the story being written. Helps keep things from getting weird. Like having Shakespearian English being used along side gangsta style talking.
Oh and at the risk of sounding like a ponce, remember criticism is your friend. I've seen several people on here who can't bear to hear bad things said about their works and stuff their fingers in their ears, ignoring the fact that you can't get better without having the flaws in your stories pointed out.
That said, don't let them act like absolute jackasses even if they are giving constructive criticism.
More please!
One word. MOOOOOAAAAAARRRR!!!!!
That... was... AWESOME!!!! You better write more
When's the next one? Rainbow Dash being a princess would totally be so awesome!
AWESOME!!! So, what's next?
Found quite a few errors, which I think I'll point out for you. I'm not trying to be a hater, I'm just trying to help, don't be made at me
!
I believe you mean skies.
Applejack's name is Applejack, not Apple Jack.
Let's, I believe that's what you mean?
May want to slip one of these ' in there, (I believe you meant Pinkie's?)
Capitalization… it is a friend.
Missing a " (quotation mark).
May need a period there…
This sentence felt… really… awkward.
You a word accidentally and I believe your good friend Capitalization is feeling a little lonely.
You'll want to capitalize that lonely I. And just fyi, there are many lonely I's that would like to visit your friend Capitalization.
I believe Thunder Lane is supposed to be Thunderlane…?
And overall, if this is your first fic, I recommend the Writer's Guide. It helps! Oh God, this comment is really long, I'm sorry
And one more thing… MOAR!!!
MOARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Uhhhhh I've been waiting forever for the new chapter when is it COMING OUT!!!!!
I need more of this! When is the next chapter coming out? It's driving me crazy!
Is this story still alive?
Moreee
MORE
4866682 OMG thank you so much! God I haven't even continued this story in so long! I'll definitely re write it when I have the time! Thanks so much sweetie! :3 You bae.
Is this still alive?
Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnddddddddd? Is this thing still going or what?
Is this still alive because I want read more to see what happens next.