“Sweetie Belle, no,” Echo shouted in desperation, “you can't get a cutie mark like this!” The three Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting in the bucket of a rickety, homemade catapult. Sweetie belle was holding a small knife and preparing to cut the rope to send themselves flying.
“Candie, we're fine,” Scootaloo insisted, “we've all got helmets!” With that, she thumped herself on the head.
“I don't know,” Apple Bloom chimed, “what does a living cannonball cutie mark look like, anyway?”
“Hey, wait,” Sweetie Belle said, “how can we be living cannonballs if we're not in a cannon?”
“That's a good point,” Echo eagerly chimed, “you can't get your living cannonball cutie marks doing this because it isn't a cannon. Now get down before one of your sisters kills me.”
“Same difference. PULL!” Scootaloo shouted, holding her foreleg out in a grand gesture of bravery. With one deft motion, Sweetie Belle cut the rope. The contraption creaked for a second before the tension relieved itself, sending three small missiles flying through the air with a trailing scream.
“DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!” Echo looked around quickly. Seeing nopony, she shifted into Rainbow Dash's form. “This is going to hurt.” She took off as quickly as she could. Even though her wing had healed enough that she could fly, it was incredibly painful. The muscles in her back burned as she flew. As quickly as she could, she flew underneath the flying fillies, scooped them up, and deposited them on the ground.
“Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo chimed, excited.
“Sorry, gotta fly! Don't do that again!” Echo quipped before she darted off a short distance into the Everfree. A quick flash later and she was back to being Candlelight.
“Wait, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo's voice came faintly. No time to rest!
Echo shot through the forest and hid in a bush. She watched woefully as Scootaloo come running to chase after her idol. Don't do this, Scootaloo, just go back and play with your friends so I can come and 'find' you. Despite Echo's silent pleading, Scootaloo kept charging forward into the forest. When Scootaloo was out of earshot, Echo covered her hooves in green flames, transforming them into the paws of a lion. With her new-found stealth, she followed the excited filly, hoping to keep them both out of trouble. Twenty minutes later, Scootaloo stopped in her tracks, and began to look around nervously.
“Rainbow Dash?” She called out with fear in her voice. Echo stepped on a branch, making a loud snapping sound. The filly shot around and looked in the direction from which the sound had come. Echo stooped low to the ground, not even breathing. The filly's motions became quicker and more hectic. Without warning, she took off running. No, Scootaloo, that's the wrong way! Echo cursed the fact that Scootaloo could not be contacted through normal, telepathic changeling means. Watching the fall of her paws very carefully, Echo bounded after the flightless pegasus.
Ten minutes of running later, the filly was exhausted. Echo took this as her chance and shifted her hooves back to her normal disguise. She bounded through the brush, feigning exhaustion. “Scootaloo?” She huffed.
“Candie?” Scootaloo turned around, her eyes red. She's crying? “Oh, thank Celestia you found me! I … I don't know where I am. I came chasing Rainbow Dash, but she's gone, and I got so scared and turned around that I just don't...” With a sob, Scootaloo lurched forward and grabbed Echo's leg with all the force of a vice grip. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She started to bawl.
“Oh, Scoot...” Echo cooed softly. “You're okay. It's going to be fine, I promise.”
The two stayed like that for a moment in the darkness of the forest before Scootaloo finally spoke up. “We... should go home, shouldn't we?”
“Yeah, I think we should.” Come on, let's go.
As a changeling, Echo had a naturally great sense of direction. Her years of military training had served to make that sense of direction an instinct for her rather than a conscious decision. The two trotted off through the woods back towards Ponyville, side by side.
Suddenly, Echo's eye caught movement in the brush on either side of the path ahead.
“Scootaloo, stop.”
“What is it, Candie?”
Echo peered into the bushes, seeing small movements every few seconds. She could hear something enormous shifting its weight. A foul, rotten stench met her nostrils. “Scootaloo, listen to me very carefully. Do not run. Back up slowly, and stay behind me. Do you understand?”
“What is it?” The filly's voice quivered with fear.”
“Do you understand me?” Echo used her most commanding tone.
“Y- yes, Candie.”
“Good. Let's start stepping back, okay? Here we go.”
The two moved backwards at a crawling pace. Echo kept her eyes fixated on the bushes. As they moved backwards, the motion in the bushes followed them, maintaining the distance between predator and prey. This couldn't keep up forever.
“Okay, Scoot. Change of plan. Hop on my back, and hold on tight, okay? This is going to be quick, so you have to do whatever I say, as soon as I say it. Don't ask me questions. Now, jump!”
Scootaloo obeyed. As soon as the filly made her movement, the foliage tore apart. Three timber wolves came barreling down on the pair at full speed. Echo turned tail and ran with all the speed her body could manage. She jumped over roots, rocks, and holes. Small creatures skittered out of her way as she ran. The filly was latched around her neck, biting at the nape out of fear. The barking and howling of the timber wolves' pursuit pierced Echo's ears like a hot needle.
Careening around a corner in a cloud of dust, Echo saw the same tree where she had spent her first night. “Scootaloo. Listen. That tree ahead has a hole in it. Do you see the big piece of bark? If you move it to the side, you can squeeze in there, okay? I know it's scary, but I need you to get in there as quickly as you can, okay?” Echo felt the filly nod. She slid to a halt a few yards from the tree, and turned to face the direction from which she had just come. “Now, GO!” She screamed. Scootaloo jumped off of Echo's back and scurried over to the tree. She found her way inside the knothole just as the timber wolves came lurching around the corner. Their eyes met hers, and the forest was permeated by the guttural utterances of the predators.
The wolves spread out on three different sides of Echo, pinning her back to the tree. Her eyes darted back and forth, scanning them for weaknesses. I can't do it. Not in this form. I can try, but they'll tear me to pieces. Glancing behind her, she saw one of Scootaloo's eyes peeking around the bark. “I'm sorry.” Echo said as she closed her eyes.
Her entire body was cloaked in flames, startling the wolves for a moment. When they cleared, her true form was standing in front of the tree, legs splayed out to offer her greater stability. Her horn glowed a fiery green, and her face was contorted into an expression of pure rage. “You will NOT harm me or the child!” Her insectoid voice boomed through the forest.
Snarling, one of the wolves took a step forward. She gave it a full-force blast of magic to the face, and the wolf shattered into its constituent pieces with a thunderous crack. As she was recharging her magic for another blast, the wolf to her right took a lunge. She ducked down low and slid underneath the beast. She fired another blast directly into the side of the wolf that had previously been to her left, causing it to catch fire. The flaming timber wolf pounced at Echo. Her pure, compound eyes widened for a moment before she was pinned under the weight of the beast's body. It snapped at her with its jaws, and Echo struggled to move her head out of the way of the repeated attacks. The wolf's claws began to dig into her chitin. My armor will only hold for so long. I need to do something. She delivered a full force kick with her hind legs to the burning wolf's chest, giving her just enough time to slip out from under its grasp.
Her wings fluttered as she righted herself, and she groaned in pain at the exertion. Spreading her legs, she steadied herself and charged another blast of magic. The wolves turned their gaze to her and launched themselves toward her with all the speed their bodies could generate. As they were about to make contact, a blinding white flash of light came from Echo's horn, and the two wolves collapsed in a pile on top of one another.
Echo had managed to blind the wolves long enough to propel herself into a branch above them. Looking down at the confused pile of firewood, she began to pummel them with volley after volley of her magic, until the ground beneath her was nothing but a charred crater. At the bottom of the crater was something resembling a leviathan green camp fire. Black smoke rose into the sky, choking Echo slightly. Enduring the pain, she buzzed her wings to clear her vision, and flew down to the ground. She walked over to the tree where Scootaloo was hiding, and changed back to her disguise.
“Scootaloo?” she asked, sounding fearful.
“Y-you're a changeling?” squeaked the young filly.
Echo hung her head. “I'm sorry.”
“You saved my life,” the bark that covered the knothole shattered as the weight of the filly hit it. Scootaloo knocked Echo onto her back, hugging her around the neck, almost choking her, “I don't care if you're a changeling, Candie. You saved me! I love you!”
Echo felt her eyes water as she hugged the filly back. “I'm glad to hear that, Scoots, but this has to be a secret, you know that, right?” she felt Scootaloo nod vigorously before burying her head in Echo's chest. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Echo spoke up. “Okay, now we REALLY should get back home, shouldn't we?”
“Yeah,” the filly sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes, “we should. Can you do me a favor? Don't tell anyone I cried.”
“Of course not, Scootaloo,” Echo cooed.
“Thanks. By the way, nice moves, bug-mare.” Scootaloo looked up with a snide grin, before she bounded out towards the edge of the forest.
Echo stared at the running pegasus in shock for a moment before giving chase. “I am NOT a BUG, bird-brain,” she laughed.
As they chased each other through the field, they heard Sweetie Belle's voice call out, “Scootaloo! There you are! We were worried!” Echo looked over to see Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Rarity, and Applejack all galloping toward them.
“Are you alright?” Applejack asked.
“Yeah,” Echo and Scootaloo chimed in unison. They shared a quick laugh before Echo finished.
“We're just fine.”
The next day, Echo was on her way to the Boutique carrying a large – and delicate – load of silk fabric on one of Rarity's assignments when a little orange blur careened into her, sending them both tumbling to the ground.
Echo looked up at her payload of expensive fabric as it fell, and reached out with her magic just in time to stop it from being ruined. Carefully, she began to fold it and replace it on her back. “Scootaloo,” she began, “would you please watch where you're going?”
“Sorry, Candie,” Scootaloo said with mock concern. “so how's it going?”
I think I know why Rainbow Dash sleeps on the clouds, now. “It's busy, that's how it's going.”
“Oh. I know how you feel,” No, you don't. “I have so much homework to do. The only problem is that I can't figure it out. I wish I had some help.”
Echo rolled her eyes and sighed. “Okay, follow me. Just don't knock me over again, this fabric was expensive. When I finish what I have to do, I'll come and help you with your homework. How's that?”
“Awesome,” Scootaloo cheered, “thanks, Candie.”
Echo didn't know why she was willing to help Scootaloo. She was certain she wouldn't extend herself like this for any other ponies, much less any other fillies. “Sure thing, Scoot.”
They walked in silence together back to the Boutique, the grin never falling from Scootaloo's face. When they finally arrived at their destination, Rarity eagerly took the silk from Echo's back.
“Thank you, Candlelight! You're such a help,” Rarity encouraged. As she placed the silk down on her work table, she noticed Scootaloo. “Oh, you brought back a model! I've got an order in for a filly about your age, Scoot. Would you mind coming over here for a few minutes?"
Scootaloo shifted behind Echo. “No, thanks, Rarity. I've got homework to do with Candie.”
“Oh,” Rarity said, disappointed, “I suppose I shall just have to steal Sweetie Belle from my parents. You're such a darling for helping poor Scootaloo, Candlelight. Have fun!” With that, Rarity turned back to her work and ignited her horn. The changeling and the pegasus went upstairs to Echo's apartment.
“That was close.” Scootaloo sighed.
“Yeah, I know. I've spent too many hours being that mare's mannequin. If she ever finds out I can change my shape, there's no way that I'll ever get off that pedestal.” Echo moved to sit at a desk on one side of her room, “There's room over here. Let's see that homework.”
Scootaloo jumped up on a chair next to Echo and pulled out a large book from her saddlebag. She dropped it on the desk with a loud thud and pulled it open to a bookmarked page.
“Mathematics?” Echo groaned. Mathematics had never been her strong suit, but this seemed easy enough. “Well, I spent years undergoing the toughest training that Queen Chrysalis could throw at me, this shouldn't take too much effort.”
After a few hours of groaning, Echo had to concede that her training had never involved calculating the times at which two trains would collide after leaving from stations on opposite ends of the continent, and that such problems were both remarkably difficult and entirely useless. If one knows that both trains are on a collision course, wouldn't one simply attempt to stop them rather than determine to what location the coroner should be sent? “I don't understand the point of this,” she moaned, slamming her head against the desk. Scootaloo followed suit.
“Me neither,” the filly squeaked, “who cares about this junk?” The two sat like that for a few minutes before Scootaloo spoke again. “So, can I ask you a question?”
“As long as it isn't math,” Came the response, muted by the desk.
“How does changing your shape work?”
Me and my big mouth. “It's magic.” She stated plainly.
“I know that, Candie,” Scootaloo chided, “I mean how do you control it?”
“It's just natural for us. We don't have to think about how we do it, we just do it. It takes a lot more effort when we haven't had any food in a while, though.”
“You mean love?” Scootaloo was starting to remind Echo of Twilight.
“Yes, I mean love.”
“Changelings... steal love, don't they?” Oh, Chrysalis, here we go.
“Yes and no, Scoot. In order to get somepony's affection, we will take the shape of somepony they love. We don't magically sap them of their love, we just absorb the love they already had for that somepony.”
“Why don't you just try to get somepony to love you like normal?”
“Sometimes that takes years, Scoot. We'd starve.”
“Oh,” Scootaloo conceded, “I guess you're right.” There was a long period of silence as the two sat in the attic room of the Boutique. Finally, Scoot spoke up again. “So, you can change shape to anypony you want?”
“Yes, Scootaloo.” came Echo's tired response.
“So... could you be one of the Princesses?”
Echo stood up and walked wordlessly to the center of the room. Her horn flared for a moment before her body was surrounded in that familiar green aura. When it dissipated, a dark purple alicorn stood stoically in the center of the room. “Yes, Scootaloo.” Came Luna's voice. “I can be one of the Princesses.”
“That is so cool,” Scootaloo bounced in place, her little wings fluttering as she hopped, “do Celestia!”
Echo sighed, cloaked herself in flame again, and shifted into the elder sister's form. Her multi-colored mane flowed in a phantom breeze. “Anypony else, Scootaloo?” Echo asked rhetorically.
“Yeah,” came the eager response, “Rainbow Dash?” I need to learn to keep this trap shut.
Another flash and she was again in Rainbow Dash's body. “Fastest flier in all of Equestria!” Echo mimicked Dash as best as she could.
“It's perfect,” Scootaloo admired, “Can I...” the filly trailed off.
“What was that?” Echo asked.
“Can I see you in your normal form again?” she said so quickly it almost sounded like one word. Echo's eyes widened in surprise.
“Are you sure?” she inquired. The filly nodded vigorously, and Echo flashed bright green once more, and her body became ebony, her hooves filled with holes, and her eyes became solid color.
“So... cool!” came the whispered response of the filly. “You're cooler than Rainbow Dash! I didn't even think that was possible!”
She seems to be having an identity crisis. Echo thought. An evil idea entered her mind, and she resolved herself to make the filly truly understand what it was like to face an identity crisis.
Another flash filled the room. When the flames were once again gone, Scootaloo found herself staring into her own eyes. “Hey,” both orange fillies said at the same time, “stop that! No, you stop that! I'm talking to you! Stop saying everything I say! Candieeeee, this is mean! Stop it!” Echo matched the filly's words flawlessly.
She laughed to herself as she shifted back into Candlelight's body. “Gotcha.”
“You're mean,” Scootaloo grumbled, staring at the ground.
“I know,” Echo stated matter-of-factly, “and you're annoying.”
“Not as annoying as you.”
“I'll give you that one,” Echo laughed enthusiastically. “any more homework today, Scoots?”
“No, Candie,” Scootaloo still stared at the ground.
“Alright, then,” Echo started, “I'll see you next time you decide to crash into me.”
“Yeah, whatever,” The filly said unenthusiastically as she walked for the door.
Wow, she really seems upset. As Scoot was walking to the door, Echo got an idea. She trotted up next to Scootaloo and brought her close in another hug. “Hey, bird-brain. Be safe, okay?” Looking down, she saw a grin creep across Scootaloo's face.
“I will, bug-mare. Thanks. I'll crash into you tomorrow, okay?”
Echo laughed and pushed Scootaloo out of her door. “Try to do it a little more gently next time, okay?”
I really don't hate that filly. Echo thought to herself. She's surprisingly fun, even if she's annoying as all get-out. She walked over to her desk and sat down again. A quick glance told her that Scootaloo had left one of her papers behind. She picked it up and noticed that there was a drawing on its back side. She gasped as she saw what the filly had drawn.
Though it was crudely drawn, Echo could make out the shapes. It was a pegasus filly, which Echo assumed was a self-portrait, standing next to a changeling. The holes in the hooves, the short mane, the fangs, and the eyes proved it. There was no doubt. What struck her the most though was that the pegasus and the changeling were both smiling. They were happy together.
Echo carefully opened a drawer in her desk and deposited the paper gently. As she closed the drawer, she felt a twinge of sadness creep over her. It's not just that I don't hate that filly, she realized, I actually really like her.
As the months passed, Echo and Scootaloo found themselves spending more and more time together. Something would happen while Echo was running errands, and the two would end up spending the day together in one way or another. Their meetings became more frequent, to the point where Echo eventually gave Scootaloo permission to come visit her whenever she wanted to. They would sit up in her room and laugh. The little pegasus usually didn't even mention the fact that Echo was a changeling. She didn't seem to care, and that made Echo happier than she had ever been before. She realized that this was more than just liking the filly. She loved this filly dearly.
An owl sat in a windowsill on the second story of the library, eyes darting between a unicorn and a changeling. Every so often, he would stoop to preen his wings.
“So,” Twilight asked, her quill hovering excitedly atop the parchment, “one thing I've really been wondering. What are the holes in your hooves for?”
Echo hummed for a second. “I never really thought about it. Our armor is dense, especially on our legs. My guess is that if it weren't for the holes in our hooves, we'd be too heavy to do much of anything.”
“Amazing. What about the fangs?”
“They make us look scary,” Echo said with a toothy grin. Twilight stared into Echo's eyes for a second before jotting more notes down on the roll, “that was a joke, Twilight. They're kind of like a Unicorn's horn, except for changeling magic. If a changeling's fangs break off, we lose our natural ability to shapeshift. We can still learn the spells with traditional magic, but it's advanced stuff that most changelings wouldn't ever be able to master.”
“Oh. Why didn't you just say so?” Twilight crossed something out, then went back to her scribblings. A few moments passed in awkward silence.
“Hey, Twilight?” Echo said.
“Yes, Echo?” the unicorn glanced up for a split second to acknowledge the inquiry.
“Do you know Scootaloo?”
Twilight looked up again, then sighed as she set down her quill. “Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Well, a while ago, I was with them while they were doing some 'crusading', apparently.”
“Oh, no,” Twilight had obviously been familiarized with the Crusaders' contrived schemes to get their cutie marks.
“Yes. To make a really long, exciting, scary story short, I like that filly.”
“Yeah, Scootaloo's a sweetheart. I'm glad you – WHAT?” Twilight roared. “You LIKE her? I didn't think that changelings could feel emotion towards ponies!”
“Well, of course we can!” Echo said, feeling slightly offended. “We aren't monsters, Twilight. We can't help it if we need love to survive. Most ponies wouldn't be too willing to love a changeling, and I only recently found out that friendship is an energy that can sustain us just like love. Just because we are forced to steal love to survive doesn't mean that we're all sociopaths.” Echo felt her anger start to rise.
Twilight was quick to try to quench the flames, “you're right, I'm sorry. Ponies know so little about your race, and the impression we got at Canterlot wasn't exactly a good one,” Echo had to regretfully nod in agreement at that, “but I shouldn't have assumed, though, so I'm sorry. Anyway, what did you want to know about Scootaloo?”
“I don't know, I just wanted to know a little bit about her. I've met the other two crusaders, and I've met each of their sisters. Apple Bloom even has that whole big family to keep her company. I've never even seen Scootaloo with anyone except her friends and Rainbow Dash.”
Twilight nodded a silent affirmation, “she doesn't have a family, Echo.” Echo felt her blood run cold as Twilight continued, “she's an orphan. Applejack and Big Mac helped Apple Bloom build that clubhouse so that Scootaloo would have some shelter. Scoot refuses to take charity from anypony, and she won't say where she came from. By saying that they were building the clubhouse to give the girls a place to hang out, they were able to give Scoot a place to stay without telling her that's what it was for.”
“That's awful. To not even have any family - I mean, I grew up alone, too, but at least I had the hive to make sure I was well taken care of.”
“Yeah,” Twilight paused a moment, “so what happened to make you like foals?”
“I may have saved Scootaloo from a few timber wolves a couple months ago.”
“A few– few what?” Twilight sputtered, “How are you alive?”
“Well, it all started when the Crusaders decided they wanted to be living cannonballs...” she spent the next few minutes detailing her story. Twilight gasped every so often and asked questions, causing Echo to struggle to keep the story on track. “... but she wasn't even scared. In fact, she said that she loved me. So, I escorted her out of the forest, and she walked away with AJ and AB.”
“Wow.” Twilight murmured. “That's... quite the story.”
“So,” Echo looked down and away, unsure of herself. “What does that mean?”
“I don't know, Echo.” The unicorn paused, deep thought apparent on her features. “I mean… well, how much do you like Scoots?”
“That little filly drives me insane in every way possible,” Echo sported an annoyed glare, “and I love every damn minute of it with all of my being.” She turned to give Twilight another toothy grin, “Plus, her love tastes like chocolate!”
Twilight recoiled, and a chuckle escaped Echo's lips as she watched the unicorn's reaction.
“Okay then, ignoring that totally creepy little detail, I just have one more question,”
“Shoot.”
“Remember when you said you could be a mother?”
I can see Rainbow Dash going all jealous mode and doing something incredibly stupid...
this is good keep it up
First, loved this chapter
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/25364808.jpg
Srsly she change her opinion in seconds
Never mind
You spoil us with the update rate
excellent. i like this story. how does she taste love
*Click!* *tick tick tick tick tick...*
Lets see.... Character bounding, some fluffy stuff, and a promise of a better future...
Something terrible is going to happen, isn't it?
Oh well, as long as there is a happy ending, you'll get no complaints from me.
keep up the good work man
I'm really enjoying this story quite a lot, as it's nice to see the "bad guys" being shown in a different light. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Well done...it's always a privelage to read this.
I get the feeling that little lecture about changeling teeth is going to become important later.
Great story here. While it's a fairly well used premise, it's the first time I've come across a changeling as an adoptive parent -as opposed to becoming a parent in the course of the story-.
I like where this is going because for the most part, you've managed to avoid being cheesy and thus the devolping relationship between the characters feels quite natural. One thing I do wonder that seems to be the staple for changeling characters is why the fandom just assumes that changeling hives are places devoid of friendships or relationships between individual not motivated by greed or hatred. I think that if we're going to grant changelings individuality we shouldn't just black hat the lot of them.
I wonder at the timing of the story relating to canon, more specifically, it feels like sleepless in ponyville hasn't happened. In my opinion, if the story happens after that episode, I think things will get very complicated.
I don't think that Scootaloo would be that quick to latch on to a stranger -life saving situation or not- after that particular episode. She might feel very grateful and all, but I think she'd be more emotionally robust than what was shown here. It was well handled in your story, but ultimately both your story and the show episode address Scootaloo's need for a rolemodel and they seem to conflict on a lot of points.
That said, the potential shenanigans that could come up with having the crusaders in this kind of situation are awesome. Who's to say that after Scootaloo's gotten herself a mother, she won't decide that she ought to have a dad as well. Lessons from the hearts and hooves learned; I think they'd be a lot more subtle about it.
Looking forward to more!
I would like another please
2112174
YAY! All though the refusing help thing is a bit hard to believe, granted I have seen it in stories like this but usually it is because they are worried that Scootaloo will run away the first chance they talk to her about it. SO ANYWAY MOAR!
2112330
The Bad Guy of one story is usually the Good Guy of another story
2112392
Well then, you haven't seen Winds of Change. Sure the adoptive parent thing isn't the whole thing, but its currently set up(And ready for) a sequel. Go look for it, my stupid iPhone won't copy links. And I'm liking this story, because changelings are awesome when they're turned to good.
We like it double updates... You're the bestest changeling enthusiast there is
Hmmm...It seems Echo is really sweet.Although,I do wonder what happened to the other changeling,and that unicorn at the party DID say that he needed to talk to her.Maybe she's not the only free pony in ponyville after all...
2112512 Uh yeah...that's exactly what I was saying...hence a few of my stories.
Now that was funny. I like how this story is going.
I finaly got that last chapter. That reference is from Pinky and the Brain, I use to watch that show ALL the time when i was younder. So if Pinkie is Pinky, then is Twilight the Brain?
It's going pretty nicely, but I think, that this time jump should rather be weeks, not months. It would make more sense. Unless it's 2-3 months, not 9-10, than I've got no objections.
Are you shipping Scoots with a changeling?
The pacing was quite helter-skelter in this chapter. Scoots discovering the truth about Echo needs MAJOR expansion. You do not just learn that somepony is not who, or even WHAT, you think they are and be totally cool with it in the space of 1 paragraph. It's far too great a stretch to the believabilty.
At the very least, Scoots would be grateful, but uncertain. Could it be a trick? Could the changeling have turned into Rainbow Dash (Scoots never puts two and two together here, despite it being an obvious assumption), then led her into the forest just for the purpose of setting her up in a life-threatening situation and then gain her trust by rescuing her? At the very least, Echo should reveal that Twilight knows, and then have Scoots confirm this to ease her suspicions.
Another more minor nit-pick: Twilight took MONTHS to ask about the holes and fangs? This is Twilight we're talking about. External anatomy would have been among the very first topics she brought up. It's the natural train of scientific thought.
>>>Twilight nodded a silent affirmation, “she doesn't have a family, Echo.” Echo felt her blood run cold as Twilight continued, “she's an orphan. Applejack and Big Mac helped Apple Bloom build that clubhouse so that Scootaloo would have some shelter. Scoot refuses to take charity from anypony, and she won't say where she came from. By saying that they were building the clubhouse to give the girls a place to hang out, they were able to give Scoot a place to stay without telling her that's what it was for.”>>>
Nope. That doesn't make any sense. Scoots was in school BEFORE the clubhouse was constructed. Where was she staying before then? This needs to be be rethought with a more plausible scenario.
Scoots-is-an-orphan can be pulled off, but it needs a realistic set-up or it presents as a very flimsy plot element.
Now I can't help but wonder what my love tastes like...
Scoots' mother is going to be a changeling...
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwjfbRe5z1r1vgod.gif
A number of Twilight's lines start without capitalization here
Okay, now I know I’m not imagining it. There is a serious lack of emotional development here.
Echo is supposed to be a high ranking individual in the Changeling hive and would likely be somewhat more hesitant to give even unimportant information out but details like the fact their teeth are the source of their shoplifting powers? (Think that’s a little odd by the way, teeth are already a well-used tool, having them perform a second more important function at the same time makes little sense.) That stuff is important for crying out loud! I highly doubt she would willingly give out information that can be used to hunt down or otherwise harm her own kind.
As for Scootaloo; sure saving someone’s life is a big deal and sure kids can be fickle with their emotions at times but one does not simply decided they love someone at the drop of a hat! Scoot doesn’t ask any questions, she doesn’t even ask if it was the same Candlelight all along or even the possibility this is just some random Changeling who saw her with Candlelight and only saved her for her own snack. The way you wrote it I thought I missed a line saying Echo zapped her with a hypnosis spell.
Not to mention Scoot switching loyalties so fast, I can see her changing her mind over time but not just like that.
Oh, and about living in the club house and everyone knowing about it, especially Twilight? What’s going on there! I thought Equestria was supposed to be more child friendly.
Then Twilight rather obviously suggesting Echo adopt her. I know you said they’ve known each other for a month or so now but you give evidence to the contrary of Twilight having reached that level of trust. By accusing Echo of being incapable of emotion you’re essentially saying Twilight hardly knows her at all.
Look, it’s a nice story, I wouldn’t be following it otherwise but it is seriously underdone. I really think you need to redo a lot of what’s been done here and not rush the rest out so fast.
Aside from complains filled out by those above me, I would like to say that it put me slightly off guard that the clubhouse was constructed especially for her. I mean, I understand that it's AU and all that, but it really makes no sense.
The canon clubhouse belonged to Applejack years ago and she gave it to CMC to fix it up. It wasn't constructed by them. Though, as I said, AU might easily explain that.
But I can not imagine anypony building a clubhouse in a secluded part of an orchard to help Scoots, instead of, say, at the very least, offering her a room? Really, so many "great" ponies and they do not have an idea of formally providing some much needed help and protection?
It's not that I dislike the story, it's quite good. But you shouldn't stoop down to creating such an idiotic behaviour in order to create a setting necessary for our protagonist to have a reason to adopt Scoots. Making the filly an orphan is fine, but giving cruel/idiot ball to ponies is another thing entirely. It's not really thought out. You could make her live in some orphanage, or maybe have the mane six offer her a room to stay, like, for a week, before changing place. But creating what pretty much is a small shack on the tree is, in my eyes, something unthinkable. It is simply not nearly enough.
Hey, look at me, ranting without much control... darn me... It certainly doesn't help that I remember this one story abut Scootaloo freezing to her sad end in this very clubhouse during a cold, winter night. Tragic, that was and I don't really like being reminded of it...
Despite that,
Keep up the good work!
2118263 wow... freaking WOW... that was actually the freaking BEST constructive critique i have ever read!
And i really mean it this way!...
Yes it was a bit harsh and yes you got a bit carried away but you FREAKING "Hit the nail right on the head!"
you can say "Every problem in this Storyline is caused by not giving it enough time to be sophisticated well enough."
@ CoAlFire you can avoid this problems, if you thing about the storyline at least five times, off cause thinking about the Storyline again and again is always good ^^" . And give it some time to settle down in your mind... like one or two days before you even thinking about writing the story down. ^^
And it helps off cause to keep track with the Storyline if you write the Storyline down in plain short notes in a separated document for you self ^^"
But who am i to say that ^^~~~
P.S. I don't mean to offend or to insult ^^" just trying to help ^^
SO. MUCH. WIN!
You still have to slow it down a bit. If you don't the emotion gets lost.
I see a bit of a problem with how the clubhouse came to be. In the story you said that Applejack and Big Mac helped Apple Bloom build it for Scootaloo, but in the show Applejack outright stated that she and Big Mac had played in the house when they were foals. Not to mention the CMC didn't even know about the clubhouse until Applejack showed it to them, and by that point it had decayed to a horrible state.
I love this story and I love it 20% more now it has scootaloo!
and now; things got a lot more interesting.
I have to wonder, has Twilight informed Celestia that there is a Changeling living in Ponyville?
Well SHITE. WHADYAHAVEPLANNEDTWILY?
I have to agree I love the story but damn dude slow down add a bit moreeeee depth to it. But it is preaty ok.
Delete " mark.
____________
2615381
That'd be rather important information. I'd be surprised if she hadn't. Matters of National Security and all that.
Man, Scootaloo's a dumb filly, running into the Everfree like that just because she THINKS that's the way Rainbow Dash went. Then again, all the fillies are dumb, otherwise they would stick to tamer ways of getting their Cutie Mark . At least Echo is getting more and more possible sources of love, and tasty too. It's a good thing you passed up the obvious chicken joke about the taste of Scoots' love, too.
If I had to make one nitpick, it'd be about the timeskip you make in this chapter. Months doesn't really feel right, especially in the middle of a chapter as opposed to between chapters. Weeks would be a bit better, because with months you're skipping LOTS of character interaction, even though Scootaloo and Echo only really formally met and talked to each other for all of a day with Echo rescuing Scootaloo from timberwolves, and then you just skim over that entirely to the point they're established friend. That, and some of Twilight's questions would make more sense after only a few weeks, whereas after months Twilight should have been getting into more detailed, exhaustive questions about the more technical details of things. That, and Echo's wing must be healed by now, the process of which will have been glossed over in this lengthy timeskip.
Okay... She said 'saved her from timberwolves a few months ago'... HOW MUCH TIME PASSED THIS CHAPTER?! You need some indicators for time-skips XD
7495286
Yeah. You usually don't do timeskips out of the blue. And if you do, do them, you need an indicator like
*** 3 months later ***
.
_____________________
I'm going to echo lots of other people and say that Scootaloo going from omg evil changeling to changeling I love you is way to fast. It's a completely reasonable outcome to a long term relationship if you show it.
Kinda irrelevant since it's complete, but since I'm reading it now...
It's going to start getting dark now, isn't it?
Not sure if she was really hurt here, but I nearly expected Rarity and Applejack to notice wounds on her body.
Maybe you should rewrite the story after your done with the sequel to be sure it still works like that and write some chapters where they spent time with each other, this way it can be longer.
However I suddenly think or hope you won't delete the former story completely, because after reading another comment I could image the rewrite maybe turning into something to uuuhhmm difficult. I mean it seems to be a trend sometimes (not sure if I can say at the moment), that a main char has to suffer and suffer without a longer time without anything bad happening to them, their family or the world.
It really starts to look really sweet again, I don't even know why this was out of my reading list. Maybe it was really just to short for my liking and without a sequel I was somehow annoyed?, I don't remember it.