The Industrial Revolution smothers Equestria, and the only way to gain the resources needed to power the giant machines being created is by pleasing the mountain owning Gryphon Empire. But when Celestia holds a grand fair for the Empire in Canterlot, murders become rampant, and the new secret service and the Twilight Sparkle must uncover the murderer before Equestria is crushed under the weight of their new machines.
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Hey, just saw you put this up in one of the Authors Helping Authors folders! Always glad to give some feedback. And just as a side note, the description looks promising already. I'm already imagining a dystopian vibe~
Also, let it be known that I should have been working on a research paper... but your description enticed me to read. I blame you for my lack of productivity!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Surgeon in the Magic City
Grammar: 7.5/10
Most of the grammar issues are cosmetic, like dialogue issues, or being consistent with your spacing and indentations for new paragraphs.
There are a few other issues, like the end of the prologue,
"For it was easy to disappear, to fake emotion, and so very easy in the clamor and smoke, and din to mask that something sinister and deadly had taken root in the heart of the kingdom that worshiped kindness and friendship."
I'd consider rearranging it so that it flows better, also fixing it up so it reads clamor, smoke, and din.
Also, really watch out for typos. There's quite a few capitalization and punctuation problems, but not enough to significantly distract the reader.
Pros
1. I always like the idea of the subtle changes in a world, like Equestria being taken over by capitalism. I'm sure Karl Marx is giving you a thumbs up from the grave right now! It's a good opportunity to make ideals clash~
2. Twilight is well characterized, showing that this change in values and opportunities only made her worrying problems worse. Keep going that direction!
3. You've left enough open ends to keep the reader wondering when things are going to start taking a turn for the worse.
Cons
1. Grammar and typos. While not a huge problem, it can be quite distracting when there's a missing word. Example: "“Twilight Sparkle.” One of the sniffed,". Don't want to start thinking about an imaginary race called the sniffed!
2. The flow can be a bit funky, namely in the prologue. There's a lot of stuff in the second paragraph, for instance. I feel that breaking it down into a few smaller sections would help the reader understand the world's situation a bit better.
3. Paragraph breaks. This is a minor one, mostly linked to the above. Try to keep the direction focused in each paragraph, and start a new one if there are a lot of things happening!
Notes Section:
It's mostly sentence structure and grammar issues that keep this story from really blooming. In terms of world building and setting, this has loads of potential! You do well with character interactions, too. Just make sure to proofread and review. Once you get that down, the story will flow really smoothly~
Oh, and if you need something to help with dialogue, this little clip helped me out! Dialogue punctuation rules!
2087142
I want to apologize for distracting you with my summary, but with review you've given me, it's really hard! I'd like to thank you kindly for the pointers you've given me and for the encouragement. You being the first person to comment only heightens my happiness! I'll be sure to work on my grammar and thanks for the link!
2087301
No worries! I didn't want to work on this paper anyways
But yeah, it's a solid premise. Flow and punctuation/grammar come with time as long as you keep a sharp eye. One thing I always do is go through and read everything out loud.
Now back to the wonderful world of research papers.
A review from Authors Helping Authors!
Name of the story: The Surgeon in The Magic City
Grammar rating: 6
The most prevalent errors were incorrect use of punctuation when dealing with dialogue. Consider the following four cases:
"That was lovely." answered Twilight. (INCORRECT)
"That was lovely." Answered Twilight. (INCORRECT)
"That was lovely," answered Twilight. (CORRECT)
"That was lovely." The purple unicorn nodded her head politely and left. (CORRECT)
In the first example, a full stop is used in place of a comma, despite the fact that this sentence should flow. In the fourth example, a full stop is used, but the next sentence describes Twilight's actions AFTER speaking. In many cases, I noticed that you were doing the same as the second case, which not only has a full stop but also has a capital letter, probably because your word processor is doing this automatically. This is only necessary in situations like case four.
Another mistake that I noticed was how you kept describing the actions of one pony in the same paragraph of another character's dialogue. If you're writing a conversation between two characters, you should really have the 'reactions' in the same paragraph as their own dialogue. I'll make up an example:
Celestia rose from her seat. "Are you sure about this?" Twilight nodded.
"I'm absolutely certain."
In this case, Celestia asks a question, but Twilight's physical response is in the same paragraph. Ideally, her reaction should be with her own dialogue.
There was an instance of a comma in place of a semicolon, an incorrect use of the word princess' instead of princesses, and a speech mark that was round the wrong way. (try ending a cut-off sentence with '...' before adding the speech mark. Then, delete the '...' and press ctrl+alt+hyphen. This will give you the desired effect for someone's speech being cut off) Also remember to correctly place commas when dealing with names and titles, as shown in the case below:
"I am extremely thankful Twilight." (INCORRECT)
"I am extremely thankful, Twilight." (CORRECT)
Either an editor or a brush-up on grammar (I think there's something on the Equestria Daily FAQ that might help) would be most welcome.
Pros:
- Your synopsis is interesting, enough to make me want to know where this is headed.
- The prologue sets the scene well, giving a narrative approach that differs from your first chapter. You dealt with topics like death and crime, but made out that they weren't noteworthy aspects of Canterlot, much in line with the ponies who inhabit it. (At least, as far as your story is concerned)
- You've placed the reader directly into the fray, the story almost completely set to go within the first chapter. Even for an 'epic' (as this appears to be) there was no messing around.
Cons:
- Grammatical errors and typos, as mentioned earlier.
- I can't help but wonder if this 'surgeon' from the prologue could do with a little more exposition. If you want readers to be wondering what his role in all this is, you'd do well to give them something more memorable and mysterious. As it stands, his existence could be forgotten pretty easily.
- It'd be nice if we could have a little more visual description. You did well to describe the new cloud city, but as for the rest of it, I felt that a little too much was left to the imagination. Then again, this is just my opinion.
Overall:
Your main issue is your grammar use. Your story is well presented and doesn't have the vibe of predictability, but my enjoyment was hampered by noticing grammatical errors and inconsistencies throughout. If you can get that sorted, you're onto a potential winner.
Now that I've given yours a thumbs up and a favourite, I would be happy if you could give me your opinions on my own fic, Legacy: The End of Harmony. Don't have time to read all of it? Just up to 'Chapter 3 - Confessions and Dragons' would be great.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Surgeon in the Magic City
Grammar score out of 10: 9 (I didn't really notice any errors in particular, but I wasn't really focusing on it either)
Pros (list three pros)
Steampunk setting make me moist.
The way you represent Canterlot reminds me of what Victorian London is portrayed as, which is awesome!
Alternate Universe tag is generally a good thing in my opinion.
Cons (list three cons)
The Prologue and the first part of Chapter One are kind of stilted in structure when it comes to description and dialogue. The conversations early on don't feel very organic.
In the first chapter when Twilight is meeting up with the Princesses and the nobles, it wasn't always entirely clear who was talking at one given moment.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic)
Since you have only written and uploaded two chapters, there's not many overarching things that I can point out for you to improve. Just make sure that you have a good proofreader and editor, and try going back and revising your first two chapters by making the atmosphere and descriptions more specific in relation to the surroundings rather, than the general ideas we're given from your initial writing about Canterlot or Magic City.
Final Score: 8 out of 10, with a potential to be even better.
Hiya! Not from any group I just saw this on the main page and it looked intriguing. Couple of points I can't resist mentioning but I'll do my best to make sure it's clear
I really like the concept of the world you've built, where it's very industrial revolution and has a feel of tun of the century. You bring it across really nicely and I can picture the characters really easily. The scene with Twilight and the architects is really nicely done and they all feel like unique voices. i'm really impressed by that since it can be hard to bring across OCs without much detail but you handle it skillfully.
The biggest issue I have so far is the first chapter. It doesn't feel strong enough to stand by itself and I think it would be better to be reduced and put as the preface to the second chapter. It's very ambiguous and only focuses on a character to the end of the chapter and doesn't tell us much of anything about him that it almost feelings boring. I hesitated before clicking the next button because I felt like I wasn't sure I was interested or not since I had learned nothing about the story or it's characters and only a bit about it's setting and overall premise.
I didn't feel drawn in I suppose is my problem. If the scene with Twilight is introduced in the first chapter then it gives me more notice. because then you immediately have a character I know and can attach a face an feelings to.
I'm still going to keep an eye on this please don't think I'm trying to say it's bad because it's not. It's a really appealing and interesting concept and I'm eager to see more. I just feel the first chapter is the weakest. Since your first chapter is going to be most readers first impression you really need to draw them in and for me that didn't happen.
Hope I'm not too opinionated for you.
2088888
Oh not at all! I enjoy it when reviewers like all those lovely reviews from the Authors help Authors group tell me what you felt was off. Anyone can just write, It's great, but I feel only those that really enjoy the story will critique it. I've had another tell me that the character I introduced in the first chapter was a little...short on details and reading over it now, I understand how he can be boring. Not enough detail! But, I feel off about not making the prologue it's own chapter. It may just be my own taste, but I like it where it is. I really do appreciate the review, and I will be sure to correct the ambiguous details about the Surgeon. Thanks for you opinionated review!
This review brought to you by: Authors Helping Authors.
Story Name: The Surgeon in the Magic City.
Grammar Score: 6 out of 10.
Pros:
-- Very interesting premise!
-- Good word choice, I especially enjoyed the use of "haunting" in this first chapter.
-- Good set-up, I can tell you're building towards something big.
Cons:
-- Grammar, grammar, grammar. A lot of improvement could be made here, which I'll elaborate on down in the notes section.
-- The Prologue didn't really work for me; we the audience were just sort of informed of an evil presence: "But no pony in Equestria could possible conceive the notion that these were all planned. No pony ever born has ever been so sadistic and mad to plan the deaths of the country's beloved nobility." That segment could have been handled a lot better, in my opinion.
-- The dialogue sounds kind of stilted.
Notes:
You have a really good premise here. Equestria under an industrial revolution is sure to provide some great steampunk action, and the addition of a serial killer is a very unique story thread; do I detect a hint of inspiration from H. H. Holmes?
However, your story is dogged by grammar issues. I hate to mindlessly repeat advice that's been given already, but a big problem is how you handle quotations. If a character is speaking and you are going to follow the quotation with he said or she said, you end the sentence inside the quotation with a comma. Even if the sentence inside the quotation would normally be a grammatically complete sentence with a natural period, you still need to do this.
Also, random words seemed to be capitalized quite arbitrarily; "Unicorns" is sometimes capitalized and sometimes not, and "Impossible" being capitalized in the final paragraph unfortunately subverts your closing image. Generally, you want only to capitalize proper nouns. I've seen some authors here capitalize "Unicorns" and "Pegasi," and it works in my opinion, but if you're going to do that you need to be consistent; switching back and forth between capitalizing the word "Unicorn" and leaving it plain simply confuses the reader.
And that closes my review! Thanks for reviewing my story, and I was glad to review yours in return! I hope my critique didn't offend you; I really want to see you improve as a writer, and I think this story has a lot of potential.
Ooh! Very creepy indeed! I look forward to more updates!
Grammar still needs work and there was some issue with repeating words, but this is interesting to say the least.
Improvement abound! Good work!
Poor Spike, can't catch a break. He's always somepony's flunky
2161766
Thank you very much! I'll read through it again and try and catch my errors. I didn't read over it as much as I should have. The laziness of relying on your editor.
2164990
Thank you as well! I tried to catch all of those pesky grammar errors when I first wrote up this piece! Glad I was able to succeed! And it's Spike's destiny to be a flunky. There is no escape for him!
Oh! I'd like to ask both of you. Do you think the conversation between Facade and Spike flows very well? It's something I'm a little worried about.
2174269
Poor Spike....
As for the flow, it felt rushed during that conversation. I honestly felt that it worked because it rushed, because it's just a one-sided onslaught from Facade. I hope you were painting him to be quite unlikable, because he comes across as selfish and egotistical~
2174462
Oh good! I'm glad it came off like that. That's what I meant by flow. I wanted Spike to be crushed under Facade's words. And yes, he is suppose to be unlikeable. A few redeeming qualities that will be revealed later, but for now he is a bit of a bastard!
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors.
Thank you for your review.
Title: The Surgeon in the Magic City
Grammar Score: 8/10(I found a few small errors. Nothing big, but their were a few of them, and a couple were a little jarring.)
Pros: The concept, while not being completely original, is handled fairly well, the tone/mood set wonderfully with the writing style. The style itself is beautiful, giving off a gentle yet creepy vibe and explaining things well without being too wordy, which is generally a good thing. Your OC's are lovable as well, even though we've only known them for a short time. I love the personalities you've set for them, and while they're a bit flat now, it's only the beginning of the story, so I suspect they'll be fleshed out. Really, you've done a great job with this story, and I plan on following it from now on.
Cons: Other than the small mistakes that I mentioned earlier, I've got nothin'.
Notes: You've done a good job so far. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep a sharp eye out for mistakes, and you should be golden. The concept of this story isn't that original, but you've handled it well, and deserve many more views. I plan on following this, so don't let me down!
~OfTheIronwilled
2189133
How kind of you! Thank you for reviewing the story and I'm glad you enjoy it. I understand it's not to original but I'm hoping my villain will add a little flair to it. Would you mind pointing out the jarring errors though? I need to know so I can fix them up.
2194248 I'm afraid that I can't point them out right now, being short on time, but I'll give this a thorough search when I get home in a couple hours. Promise!
Do you want me to put them here in the comments, or in a PM?
2198097
You can go ahead and put them here! Can't wait to see them!
Hey there reading buddy. I just finished reading your fic. Very interesting and well-written. The only flaws I see are a few minor grammar errors, like how you don't seem to indent your paragraphs. I'll assume you based Facade off of Sherlock Holmes, in which case you did amazingly well
. Your story is nicely paced, and I could easily follow along to the plot. Most importantly, you nailed down Spike's and Twilight's characterizations. I felt like it was actually them talking, not just wooden puppets placed there by the author. Your introduction of Discord (or someone similar) was done very well, and the other characters don't feel like they're stealing the show.
Overall score: 9/10. Other than a few small grammar errors, I didn't find anything significantly wrong with your story. Great job! I'm a very picky reader, and you managed to amaze me.
. Keep up the good work.
.
2199057
Thank you for pointing out those silly errors! I shall fix them at once, and await you next batch!
2199151
Oh I could cry tears of joy! I'm so very glad you loved it so much, and that everything I'm trying to do is a success so far!
2200495 I'm glad I could cause you such happiness
. Don't be so surprised though; if my fanfic was half as good as yours, it would have a much higher viewership count. Good luck with the rest of it, I'm sure it'll be great! Here, take a mustache 
. You never know when things might get rough, and it's always good to keep a mustache with you. And two never hurt anyone either...
Uh, sorry I haven't been able to look through your mistakes.
I've been kinda' sick these last couple of days, and if I'm being perfectly honest... I... might have forgot I said I would do this. Might. So, uh... don't know when I'll do this, but until then... erm... hmm... Oh I know! Here, have some music:
[youtube=obJ21k3Hylo]
2219859
It's alright! Take your time, your only helping out. Don't want to rush you. I hope you get well soon! 
PS: I already have that song downloaded on my Iphone.
God, I hate myself. I get a little cold for a few days, sleep a few nights, and BAM! It's been almost two months since I promised to read this over for you. Why, brain? WHY?! I just can't wait until dementia kicks in.
Anyway... on to Arrival!
This is grammatically incorrect, as the sentence switches from present tense to past tense. The part, "She sat up, rubbing her eyes" is fine, and so is "as the driver opened the door, chuckling softly" right after that, but "and yawned silently" is not. It should be "and yawning silently".
That comma, I believe, should be a semicolon. If you want it to stay as a comma, just add "as" right after the comma.
The words "she", "one", "the", and "he" are not Proper Nouns, meaning they shouldn't be capitalized after dialogue.
The "t" in "tapping" should be capitalized, and "has" should be "had".
And that's it for Arrival!
On to The Game Begins!
I'm really not sure about this one, but, "and dropped her into the ground" sounds a little strange. It might sound better if you put just "to" instead.
Since you aren't saying "he said", and are instead beginning a new sentence, there should be a period after "her" and "he" should be capitalized.
This "He", on the other hand, should be lowercase.
Tsk, tsk.
You forgot a space between the period and "His".
While I'm pretty sure hoofs is grammatically correct, I believe that it is usually spelled "hooves". This correction is optional.
"After Twilight left him to unpack in the apartment, alone." is a sentence fragment and incomplete the way it is. It should be combined with the next sentence. "but insisted" should have a comma before "but" and a comma after "insisted". There should be a period after "chaos!'".
There is no need to separate these paragraphs, as no change of topic has taken place.
There should be commas before both "for"s in the first paragraph. There should be a comma before "I'd" in the last paragraph, as well as the "even", "dust", and "which".
This, currently, is present tense, when it should be past tense. This should be, "He had to go to the Canterlot Palace with this Pegasus.".
"princesses'" does not need the apostrophe in this situation. "Hello princesses." should be "Hello, princesses.", since he is speaking to them directly. It could also be argued that "princesses" should be capitalized, since he is using it as a name/title.
I... think you forgot a line.
"stomp" should be "stomped".
There should be a period after "panic" because you are starting a new sentence instead of continuing one. I'm pretty sure that "though" should have a comma before it.
Is that a capital "s" I see?!
You forgot your period.
There should be a comma after "Spike".
The comma should be a question mark and... capital "h"...
I found another capital "h".
There should be a comma before "Spike" on all three of these and "spots" should be "spotted".
And done!
You're actually back!
Where have you been this whole time? Please tell me you're going to continue this!
This massage parlour... How suspicious! Does it have something to do with the titular surgeon? I'm looking forward to finding out...
Oh my gosh, you're alive!
I thought you had left for good! How have you been?
3609062>>3609124
I'm doing really well now, I've just been...well hard times you know? Lost the will to write and all. But I'm much better and I'm planning on writing this through to the end now! And maybe it does! 
We'll find out!
Hey yall! It's good to see you two again!
3610140
Oh, well I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
Anyway, since this is a new chapter and all...
The first "he" should be capitalized. There should be an "it" before "quite", and that "thought" should be "though".
The "and" in "and pushed it in" shouldn't be there. Another comma should be put in before "of course". The "he" after "Teleporter" should be capitalized.
You should put a comma after "Of course" and before "Twilight", because Twilight is being spoken to directly. The sentences after "a little more morbid than funny" should be a separate paragraph. The comma after "primal magic surround her" should be a period instead. The sentence with "Just think about the fair" should be its own paragraph. "She nodded at him" should start yet another separate paragraph. I would also suggest changing out the "she" in "She nodded at him" with "Twilight", because her name is spoken no other time in the paragraph. There should be a comma after "than when she did herself".
The period after "much" needs to be replaced with a comma. The sentence "Olmstead walked over..." needs to be moved down a line to be right in front of "My apologies". "Twilight nodded" should also be moved down to the next line/paragraph and be in front of her dialogue. The period in front of "she mentioned" should be a comma, and the "he" after "at the view" should be capitalized. I suggest changing the "her" in "her eyes widened again" to "Twilight's".
The sentence starting with "At the mention of" should be moved down to the next line to fit with Twilight's dialogue. "Olmstead just shrugged" should be moved down a paragraph as well. A comma should be placed after "recover", as well as after "fret". "Twilight stumbled" should start a new paragraph.
This should be its own paragraph.
The first "he" should be capitalized. The "He" after "little comfort" shouldn't be capitalized. "My apologies, Mr. Olmstead" should be moved down with Twilight's dialogue. "Olmstead gently raised..." should be moved down to the next paragraph with his dialogue. The "So" after "few ponies" should not be capitalized. "Twilight bowed her head..." should be moved down to the next line/paragraph. "He smiled and..." should be moved down with his dialogue. "He walked out and gently..." should be the start of a separate paragraph.
And that's it! I'm glad you're back and feeling better now!
3614488
Oh my goodness, still giving me the fixes after all this time. Your changes have been implanted and you are the best!
3619412
Oh, thank you. It's not that often that I'm called the best.
I'm glad I'm able to help.