The Chronicles of Arcuz

A prodigy from a young age, Sgt. Xavier Arcuz was the perfect solder for the job of investigating a new planet that seems to have intelligent life for possible future settlement. But when catastrophe ensues, he will have to make a choice between his loyalty to the core, and his new home.

Chapters (4)

Departure · 5th Feb 2013 · 1,618 words
1,618
Download .txt
Download .html
Marooned · 27th Feb 2013 · 2,214 words
2,214
Download .txt
Download .html
Recovery · 5th Mar 2013 · 2,967 words
2,967
Download .txt
Download .html
Negotiations · 9th May 2013 · 1,547 words
1,547
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 6 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 6
- Newest First
- Oldest First

totallynotabrony

totallynotabrony #1 · Feb 27th, 2013 · 2 · · Marooned ·

Space Marine...Air Force logo...

Your spelling and grammar is pretty good, but punctuation needs some work. You also need more paragraphs! Start a new one every time someone speaks. Also, try to put dialogue at the begining and/or end of a paragraph. The "wall of text" doesn't look nice.

For example:

When I sat down at the table with my meal of 2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon, and orange juice, I saw my team had already finished eating. "What kept you?" Sgt. Wallace asked me "just some last minute business, sir" I said with respect. "No need for the formality's, you are the squad leader" he said, and it was true, though he was of a higher rank, I was the squad leader. After finishing my meal, we all proceeded into the control deck of the ship to receive our mission Lt. Noah Moar greeted us. "Gentlemen" he began "your mission is Operation: Frontier Purge, as the name states, you will be purging the frontier of this new planet. Eliminate any threat you can, and if its to tough, just get back alive with intel." "Yes, sir" my squad and I said in unison as we saluted, then exited the room to get geared up.

Would be better as:

When I sat down at the table with my meal of 2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon, and orange juice, I saw my team had already finished eating.
"What kept you?" Sgt. Wallace asked me.
"Just some last minute business, sir" I said with respect.
"No need for the formality's, you are the squad leader" he said, and it was true, though he was of a higher rank, I was the squad leader.
After finishing my meal, we all proceeded into the control deck of the ship to receive our mission Lt. Noah Moar greeted us. "Gentlemen" he began "your mission is Operation: Frontier Purge, as the name states, you will be purging the frontier of this new planet. Eliminate any threat you can, and if its to tough, just get back alive with intel."
"Yes, sir" my squad and I said in unison as we saluted, then exited the room to get geared up.

Silverstein

Silverstein #2 · Feb 27th, 2013 · · · Marooned ·

2189450

I was thinking the same thing?

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder?

Silver out!

River Song

River Song #3 · Feb 27th, 2013 · 2 · · Marooned ·

That wall of dull description that is the first paragraph is a major turn-off. Work descriptions naturally into the text.

Also there's a ton of pointless description. Like what your character is eating. Don't caaaaaaare, just stick to the basics.

Also these are humans right? Then where is the damn [Human] tag?

Shinzakura

Shinzakura #4 · Feb 27th, 2013 · 2 · · Marooned ·

2189450

Marines, Air Force, whatevs, they're all the same, right?

This, aside from the Great Wall of ~~China~~ Text is the biggest turn off for me: I realize that not everyone's in tune with how the military works, but please do some research beforehand. Even faulty but attempted research is better than the USS Make Shit Up.

[youtube=4bBD5yyT-s0]

Comment posted by Lee Geko deleted Mar 28th, 2013

Lee Geko

Lee Geko #6 · May 2nd, 2013 · · · Recovery ·

Dear readers, I have been gone for awhile, but I promise that I will be better. I now have a co-author, and a proofreader, I will be making new chapters soon, and I appreciate the criticism from the other members.

Sincerely,
Lee Geko.

Viewing 1 - 50 of 6
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Lee Geko

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Lee Geko

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Also Liked Similar Author