The Un-Picked Apple

It's summer in Ponyville. Everypony is having fun, but Applejack starts getting suspicous when she see's an Apple Family member she has never seen before in the Photo Album. During her investigation she is saved by a mysterious pony.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 18 )

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butterfield pancake

butterfield pancake #1 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

This is a Good Story [I like it] So there was a Pegasus Apple NICE

Typhoon Blast34

Typhoon Blast34 #2 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

You not only intertested me but now you have my attention

xXC1NGLXx

xXC1NGLXx #3 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

1959659 Thanks, I'm working on the next chapter.

xXC1NGLXx

xXC1NGLXx #4 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

1959667 Thanks, I hope you will enjoy the next chapter

Typhoon Blast34

Typhoon Blast34 #5 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

I normally am never interested in apple jack, but something about pegisi in interested me

that i am bored out mah butt

xXC1NGLXx

xXC1NGLXx #6 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

1959674 Hahha, Lol

theanneh

theanneh #7 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

Hi there! I was looking through the recent submissions and came across your story.

Your story has potential, and the plot could get rather interesting from here. Might I suggest editing it yourself a few times and then handing it over to an editor or two? It looks like you wrote it and put it here without any of that. It would really help the flow of the story (at least for the reader) if you did. I found a few mistakes that could be easily remedied with a look-over by someone else's eyes!

Also, you have some parts in the story that could use more fleshing out. The action scene, in particular, could have been made longer. Honestly, I had no idea what was going on! If you fleshed out some things and added some more relevant description, you could have yourself a story that comes alive. :3 Right now, it reads more like a script than a story, because of the ratio of dialogue to description.

Anyway, I hope you continue writing. You seem to have promise. :3

xXC1NGLXx

xXC1NGLXx #8 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

1959688 Thanks, I'll take your advise into account.

I never really write outside of school, but after I found this site I've been raging to make a story.

P.S: Thanks for the advice

Jlargent

Jlargent #9 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

Hm an Applefire fic?First I've ever heard of it, normally it would be Soarin and AJ.

theanneh

theanneh #10 · Jan 14th, 2013 · · · Summer Fun ·

1959702
No problem! I understand, I know a lot of people who come into fanfiction after never having written for themselves. The best thing you can do for yourself is practice, practice, practice! I recommend that you warm-up before you write your main story -- meaning you should start writing something small to practice what you're not so good at before you sit down to write your main story.

For example, you write a lot of dialogue but skimp on description. Maybe, one warm-up you can do is force yourself to write for 20-30 minutes with nothing but description of different things, or an entire story with no dialogue. Whatever is difficult for you to do, that's what you should force yourself into doing. Do it so much it becomes habit! That's how I warm up, anyway. x3

You seem very nice, so I recommend you all the best. :3

TheFierySkyMare