The Tears of a Siren

Each night, as she lay in bed, the sea called to her, and the tide pulled at her bones. Soon, Siren Song will have to answer its summons, lest her nightmares consume her. She will find herself mounting a perilous journey, and her reality will be shattered forever in its wake.

Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions. Rated teen for fantasy violence.

Seeking a co-writer who can write fight scenes.

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1: Ripples · 17th Jan 2013 · 1,049 words
1,049
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Chapter 2: A Town Called Terra · 18th Jan 2013 · 2,919 words
2,919
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funkyferret

funkyferret #1 · Jan 17th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1: Ripples ·

Before moving on to my ultimate crossover, I realized that I need to work on "show don't tell", so this is my attempt to improve myself as an author.

Edit: "my third fabric"? Stupid tablet and its auto-correct.

arcum42

arcum42 #2 · Jan 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 2: A Town Called Terra ·

Bash as hard as you like? All right, here are a few spots that could use fixing:

From the first chapter:
>Mirror Pond lived up to it's name.
its

>"Siren, come out of there I have a job for you," it called.
Runon sentence.
"Siren, come out of there. I have a job for you," it called.

>"It's only a simple errand, it shouldn't take you long."
Also a runon sentence.
"It's only a simple errand. It shouldn't take you long."

>Siren rubbed the towel across her body vigorously as she replied, "do you need me to go berry picking again? I went just last week, it's odd that our stores could run low so fast."
And another, plus a missed capital letter.
Siren rubbed the towel across her body vigorously as she replied, "Do you need me to go berry picking again? I went just last week. It's odd that our stores could run low so fast."

From the second:
>To Siren, it was a beautiful.
Missing word.

In both, some of the paragraphs could breaking up as well...

I'll go ahead and add it to Twilight's Library, in any case.

funkyferret