A Hobo who enjoys fine pony prose with his moonshine and shotgun.
A narration in prose of the many trials and sojourns of Ponyville's Second most Dangerous and Psychologically Unstable Unicorn, three years running, and her many ecounters with comedic situations that arise from being slightly off from everypony else's brand of reasoning.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Grammar Score (out of 10): I'm gonna go with an 8. It becomes hard to judge in places because your sentence structure and word choices are often overly complicated, but it seems like your technical form and spelling are pretty on point.
Pros: Great re-imagining of a character who has too often been typecast by the fandom
A few very solid humor points.
Your language is sometimes very poetic and fresh
Cons: Your choice of vocabulary is often needlessly complicated
Some incorrect word usage
Occasionally hard to follow sentence structure
Notes: Okay, so for starters let me say that I like the story and am giving it a thumbs up. But it definitely needs work too. My main issue is that you seem to want to avoid using common words. I like flowery prose as much as the next pony, but it has a time and a place. For example,
is appropriate, because a sunset is something to describe in a flowery way. (Side note; Celestia isn't named after the sun, she controls it, so calling it her namesake isn't really accurate. Still a pretty passage though). On the other hand,
actually detracts from the description a bit. Sharpening a pet alligator's teeth is a very sinister thing to do; maintaining a reptiles dietary orifice is something that a bored zookeeper does. I'm a bit torn on
; while I normally would say that farting is something that doesn't warrant flowery language the extent to which you took it makes it absurdist and funny :-p.
As for sentence structure, this paragraph jumped out at me most:
After the first three words, that's one long runon sentence. I had to read it several times to fully get what each bit of it was trying to say (and even now I'm not 100% sure; did Twilight magic Lyra into Celetia's bed?). Try using shorter sentences and limiting the complexity of your vocabulary, and I think this will evolve into a fantastic series =D.
I hope you enjoy your review. Please help me out by taking the time to read and review my fic, The Ballad of Jack and Sylvia: an Equestrian Odyssey
This review brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: Musings on Lyra Heartstrings
Grammar Score: 7
Pros: Your preserve the ecclectic nature given to Lyra by the fandom, but put your own unique twist on it.
The narrator having the POV is quite interesting, and really helps with the comedic asides.
One can see where your comedy is, and it is definitely well executed.
Cons: There are a few pacing issues. The story seems to jump around a bit.
The grammar isn't bad at all, but there are a few minor mistakes that have potential killing power on your comedy.
Notes: This was absolutely hilarious and at the same time, refreshing. I love Lyra for her fanon personality, and I'm glad you've held onto that without using any of the old fallbacks. Keep up this good work, because it definitely deserves more views. Your style is also quite uinque and somehow meshes with the story perfectly. You've made a great choice in style, so I hope that you are able to keep it consistent for the story's sake.
Hope you're glad to receive this review, and hope you'll take a look at my fic, Marks of Harmony. It's a long one, so don't expect you to read the whole thing all in one sitting! That would be too much even for me.
1962559>>1961300
Thank you and thank you.
As far as the gaseous respiratory waste I actually meant for that to be seen as a yawn, hence respiratory and not dietary. I'll look into rephrasing that more effectively.
Also, I described Gummy's mouth as his "dietary orifice" as he doesn't have teeth.
Pacing is something I have a bit of a problem with.
I am being verbose intentionally, it comes with trying to emulate Charles Dickinson. I started this story, and my other one, while reading 'A Tale Of Two Cities" and I am currently reading "Oliver Twist". Though I have been told by some that I envoke a Terry Pratchett esque feel, which is odd considering I've never actually read any of his works.
Thank you both for your time and I will definitely look into your fics.
Carry On
1962685
That actually explains quite a bit. I have an odd relationship with Dickens; I love his stories and hate his writing :-p (I have often said that Tale of Two Cities would actually be my favorite novel of all time if anyone else had written it). That said, I know a ton of people who love it, so I'm sure you'll garner plenty of fans =D. Oh, and the whole passage regarding Gummy makes much more sense now that I re-read it with a fresh mindset - she's brushing his gums, not sharpening his teeth. I was confused by the use of the word Sharpen though. I think people might miss a few things just because of keywords like that.
Herro, SpeederClaw here with a tasty review from the group, Authors Helping Authors!
~Musings on Lyra Heartstrings
Grammar: 8/10
Pros:
-Got some good laughs at the ridiculousness of the story
-Lyra's characterization here is very believable as a fan rendition
-The narrative (and language) was definitely different and colorful
Cons:
-Few grammar mistakes that kinda threw me off course
-Sometimes it went over the top with language and I got lost (but I still 'got it')
-No need to make it three! I see no other issues.
Notes: Just want to say, 'She then magicked the nearby window open', made me laugh more than it should have. The word 'magicked' just did it and that's good considering that's a word apparently (
). Overall the story was funny and I liked the crazy narrative. As stated before, there were some grammar mistakes such as making Pinkie a guy (Our dear Puce was sharpening his wicked salivary ducts) and missing an I somewhere I think. Other than that, ya did good.
If you get the chance please review my story, One Shot, One Chance. I'd appreciate any feedback you would have and I hope this review was helpful
Ciao!
~Speedy
1977177
Thank you for your time.
I myself was surprised when I found out "magicked" was actually a word. The more you know.
Maybe that's not clear enough, but "his" is referring to Gingival (a.k.a. Gummy).
As for any other spelling mistakes, I'm going to go back over it soon and check it out.
Very glad you enjoyed the story, and I hope you'll come back for more. (Which shouldn't be long now.)
I'll definitely give your story a read and a review as soon as I have the time.
Thank you once again.
Carry On
1977497 Now that I look back at it, I'm really stupid haha. I see now its his teeth as in the alligator. I see, sorry for that on my part.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Musings on Lyra Heartstrings
Grammar score: 9/10
Pros: First, your narrative voice is charming and adds to the humor of the story. Next, the story is genuinely fun, and made me smile quite a bit. And finally, your insane characterization of Lyra is amusing and makes her likeable.
Cons: There were a couple times when the narration got pretty thick and felt like it came between me and what was going on in the story, taking me out of the scene a little bit. I feel like the title could use a bit of spice, to draw in readers. Right now I don't think it reflects the quirky fun of the story. (And a cover image would help a lot.)
Notes: This was a fun read. I like your Lyra, and the scene between her and Spike was priceless.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, A Spell for Lyra.
2151404
Thank you for the feedback and the favorite, I need all the criticism I can get.
I do plan on toning the narration down a tiny but in the future, but part of my whole idea coming into this story was that it was blown up. I try to get my narration to reflect how the character we're focusing on feels; so if Lyra is a bit off her rocker and jumps to wild conclusions and extreme actions, then the narrator will reflect that with crazy connotation and verbosity.
As for the title, I never really thought about it much, but I can definitely see your point. I came up with the title thinking that if the story was getting most of its humor from wild situations explained in unorthodox ways, then the title should reflect that. However, upon further cerebration, I think if self-evident that a new moniker is of the utmost necessity.
And thank you for the feedback with the Spike and Lyra scene. I wasn't sure if it was funny or just a "Wat?" moment.
Carry On
*Skulks off to DeviantArt to
stealappropriate a cover image.*AND THUS, ALL DID HAIL THE NEW TITLE AND ITS TOTALLY NOT JUST RIPPED OFF OF GOOGLE IMAGES COVER IMAGE!
Carry On
I like this story so much. I'd say it reminds me of me, but that's too obvious, isn't it? Anyway, I have one thing to say about this. I would like to see more. I'm suffering from Awesomeness Withdrawal right now.
2260195
What if I said, BAZAAM!
Carry On
500 views?
5 likes?
So much bugs happening today.
2261374
I wish it was a bug...
MY LIFE IS A LIE.
And thank you for the comment.
Carry On
It seems that Musings has just acquired its first dislike.
Without a comment as well.
Lunadammit.
Carry On
I'll skip the full AHA review, as all the points I would have made have already been made. (you can read my story if you like but don't feel obligated)
Crazy Lyra is crazy. I love that.
Lyra, you so cray!
Yes, the Lyra and Spike scene totally worked. Also, either you toned down the overly flowery prose or I'm getting used to it, because it didn't annoy me as much this chapter. It just reminds me of the subtle rules for the use of randomness in humor writing. (It's quite effective if done well, but don't forget you still need to have a plot)
Giggling the whole way through... and I could totally visualize Lyra's face when she contemplated her words, with her tongue hanging out.
2266612
Thank you, gracias, and danke.
People like YOU, yes YOU, are the reason I get up in the morning.
To write at least, I'm not THAT bad.
Yet.
And I will most definitely check thy work of prose, for thou doth grace mine humble comment section with thine grace.
Praise be to Derpy.
Carry On
Fun stuff. Lyra's misfortunes have me smiling.
(Uh oh... that does sound a bit sadistic, doesn't it?)
2270167
Don't worry.
I 'm fond of Lyra's woes and misfortunes as well.
Why else would I relate them to this digital forum?
Carry On
1,000+ views.
21 comments
7 likes
1 dislike
Which of these things is not like the others?
I would beg some more, but honestly, I'm tired of it myself.
I'm gonna keep updating, and some 995 of you can just completely ignore me. That's fun.
I'll be at the top one day! Maybe!
Carry On
This is probably the weirdest, most bonkers piece of literature that I've ever laid eyes on.
And I want more.
2389854
Thank you kind sir/madam.
I do endeavor to sate thy desires to fullest of my potential.
Carry On
I honestly cannot explain my reason for liking this story, except perhaps for Lyra's eyes in the cover art.
Or possibly that. I'm really not sure.
2392911
So you either like my taste in art or enjoy my vast reservoir of traits and attributes?
In all likelihood, though, you are enraptured by my devilishly good looks and inexhaustible wit.
Or maybe you just have too much time on your hands/hooves.
Carry On
2396335 It's worth pointing out, if only for the sake of full disclosure, that spirituous liquors are also a factor.
2396496
Ah! So your avatar image is not merely for the "lulz," as some might say?
Carry On
Hmm, an interesting premise. While I do feel that it could be polished up a little more nicely, your story is quite decent compared to some of the stuff I've read to date. Unfortunately, my smartphone's running out of battery, and I really should be sleeping, so I'll leave it at that for now.
Expect to see another comment with a full review within the next 24 hours. For now, have a like and a notice as I venture off into dreamland.
This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
I'm going to focus on the cons here, since I feel that you don't really need an in-depth analysis of your good points to continue doing those things in your writing,
Grammar Score:
8/10
Pros:
- Original style of writing and plot that I don't see too often on the site.
- Scenarios seem to be planned out well.
- You have nice dialogue going on between your characters. I'd say this was the most charming point of the story for me, as the humour was generally conveyed through the dialogue.
Cons:
- You've got issues with pacing. Reading this story is like watching a Nascar race track, without the predictability of the constant left turns. You need to punctuate your story better. Punctuation acts as little breaks or pauses in the reading, and the readers can move at a slower, more comfortable pace if the story has its pauses, commas, breaks, and periods in the right place. Paragraph spacing will also do wonders for pacing, as I myself recently discovered from one of my reviewers. When you want to set something apart from the rest of the text, Start a new paragraph. You seem to have the basic rules of paragraphing pretty decently covered, but it's not enough. You need to actively make new paragraphs to set a good pace for readers.
- You don't stay consistent with your verb tenses. You'll start off in present tense, run around past tense for a little, dash over to future perfect, and jump right into future tense. It's extremely confusing and it irked me quite a bit when I was reading this story. I might even go far as to say it was the thing I disliked most about this fic.
- Caps lock usage, brackets, and narrative voice. These are a few minor things, so I'll try and bundle them in one. First of all, your narrative voice style doesn't match your writing style at all. The narrator is extremely childish and immature, while the writing and wording are overly sophisticated and complex. This tends to generate a very in-your-face style of humour, but it's a little too much, especially with the added use of caps lock.
Notes:
Your writing tends to leave its impact through the dialogue. What I strongly recommend is to describe your characters' tones of speech more with adjectives and verbs, not with other literary devices.
When you have time, please take a look at my story, A Young Lady's Gude to the Demon Slaying Arts.
Until next time,
~Black Lightning
2411336
Danke, gracias, and thank you.
On Issue One: I'm not entirely sure how to go about fixing the pacing. I thought I was giving enough commas in my five line sentences, apparently not.
Issue Two: Verb tenses I am very well aware of. When I started this story, the first two chapters, I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to be telling this story. In fact, when I started the very first sentence I had no idea where I was going. I have a general plan for the future now, but this story started off as, and still is, just a free-writing kind of deal with me. Now, however, I've decided to release more in bursts of three-ish chapters or so, mini-arcs if you will, so expect to see vast improvement in this.
Issue Three: As far as the narrator goes, I'm going for a bit of a GLaDOS style, if you will. By that I mean that the narrator is highly learned and intelligent, but at the same time very base and immature. He will rant on for paragraphs, interjecting jibes and observations.
On caps lock, I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Chapter Two is the only chapter that uses much caps lock, and I'm fairly sure it's all in apposite places.
On the whole, thank you very much, your criticism has been highly constructive.
I suppose 'tis only fair for me to viciously rip your literary work to diminutive shards of tears and broken dreams in recompense.
Carry On
This is beautiful and I love it.
Carry on.