After Luna has been back in leadership for a few months now, she found herself a new hobby to dawdle away the lonely nights: thinking.
On her balcony she writes down her nightly trains of thoughts. Everything seems to settle down again for the lunatic goddess as Celestia detected her new behaviour.
She is afraid that her sister won't get involved in the modern society the way she acts and meets her protégé to develop a plan that gets Luna back on the road again: The lunatic Princess shall make contact with the trickster Trixie Lulamoon to share her problems with an equal personality...
Chapters (2)
( i would like to apologise for the slightly disjointed nature of this review, i usually write a long review as i read through, so they can end up a tad confusing)
Interesting and mostly well written, but not without its flaws in places. (Oh, and maybe you need to stop using the word Lunatic, i know it technically fits, but Lunar might be a better word to use. Lunar Guards, Lunar castle etc. instead of implying everyone is crazy).
For a start i would like to congratulate you for choosing to write mostly from Luna's perspective, and second for your attention to detail. Everything is very much drenched in detail here and it makes it an utter joy to read, especially seeing Luna wander through the dilapidated theatre. Theres enough to paint the scene perfectly, yet not enough to make it bloated and prevent it from flowing well.
I do love Luna's personality by the way, though im worried at the chessmaster approach Twi and Tia are taking. If they manipulate the two of them at every single term the worry is that any relationship the two of them cultivate will feel artificial and somewhat fake because it will have its roots in other ponies trickery. Good intentions are, well, good. But its vital that a relationship made be made for genuine reasons. Something built on lies - even other ponies lies - sends a bad message and will be likely to end quickly. This continued manipulation and nudging will only result in either no friendship at all or more likely a hollow one.
Which brings me to some good old constructive criticism. First up is that you desperately need to proofread your things before publishing them. At several points throughout you shift tenses into present by accident, when you need to be writing continuously in past tense (as thats the tense you have started in you cant change). You also make mistakes like this "Trixie may has done mistakes in the past" or when Twilight wonders whether or not Trixie has gotten the 'massage' instead of message. Which is quite an amusing idea actually.
Another criticism would be that you have Trixie written as if she was after Boast Busters, not after Magic Duel. The implication of that episode was to very much state Trixie didnt want any revenge, she only attempted as such when the amulet took her over and even then apologised afterwards and seemed to be on relatively good terms with Twilight. She still doesnt like her and shes certainly not a nice pony, but certainly she wouldnt be talking about getting her revenge on Twi or humiliating her. if anything she likely has some respect for her, given that she both helped trixie get rid of the mind-rape amulet and did so in a tricky fashion someone like her would likely admire. As for the idea that the towns folk 'tricked her' - she fully concedes the amulet was playing with her thoughts and that she was being a monster to them. so that just doesnt fit.
Its strange, because other than that point you write her pretty well. Independent, strong-willed, spiteful suspicious and alone. But its out of character for her to want to wreak any sort of revenge on ponyville when shes expressed sorrow for harming the ponies there, and her show of megalomania frankly just doesnt fit in ( i want to show them 'real magic!' - which reminds me, i had to roll my eyes when Twilight states Luna will show Trixie real magic because it implies the unicorn with a special talent in it has somehow been doing fake magic all this time). I dont usually advise someone change something theyve already written, but this could set the tone of the entire story and lead you down the far-too-travelled road of cliches which is a trixie revenge fiction.
i suspect maybe you started planning this story before magic duel came out and just went with it? im getting that impression. But again, it really needs to be changed or you need to set this fiction before magic duel. you really cant do both without making trixie seriously out of character with her nutty desire for some sort of war against the pony who continually does her good.
Luna's personality is well put together of course. Shes very cold, aloof but well-meaning with an easily bruised pride and a short temper. so shes a good match for trixie, who shares most of those qualities and also shares their mutual dislike of being pandered to or pitied. It was quite surprising to see her giving trixie such a verbal lashing for her supposed crimes though when Luna herself is famous for attempting to murder everyone in equestria before most were even born. that was something i was waiting on her to be called out on actually. not that its a complaint exactly. Luna does appear to be very zealous and very quick to recognise faults in others while ignoring her own, but still. its ammunition for trixie to bring up.
All in all though i find myself quite fascinated and do plan to read more. i only give reviews this long when i really care about the content. *followed*
2084604
So that's how such a comment feels like... amazing!
First off, I thank you for taking the time to bring such a useful feedback down. It wasn't a waste, and I'll explain why.
Let's start with 'Lunar vs. Lunatic'. This seems to be one of those big problems I have. What do I intent and what do I really transport? As I began to write this fiction, I thought it would be a nice pun to call Luna's subjects 'lunatic'. Insanity is an important thing for me, when I am talking about Luna and night in general. Calling ponies who live under Luna's wings lunatic is a good connection to their nature for me, but maybe I should place this pun only when there's actually a connection to their lives. I shall think about this...
Much more interesting is your fear that the relationship between Luna and Trixie is doomed by the plans of Celestia and Twilight. Again, it's somehow insanity that motivated me. As you said, both Luna and Trixie are short-tempted characters, and getting soaked into to plans of others isn't something they would like. Where would be the fun if everything was easy?
Keeping it linear... I'm sorry for the mess. Of course I meant message, not massage.
I was playing against time with this first chapter, since I wanted it to get out before I went off for skiing. The upcoming stuff will be better!
And suddenly... Trixie. I must confess that I haven't planned anything. The little book of Luna, with all her thoughts, does exist. "Luna's Thoughts" is a series of mine, where I simply write Luna's thoughts down while she is ruling from her balcony. Somehow, for the new year, I came up with the idea to make a story of it, with a plot and everything. So it came that Trixie was added, and I have to admit that I hadn't a proper knowledge of her personality at this moment. As I saw it, Magic Duel truly 'simply happened'. I didn't pay much attention to it, and the influences from Boast Busters clearly nuked Magic Duel out of my mind.
Now, of course I never wanted her to be a simple obsessed pony as she is so often. In the dialogue between Luna and Trixie I wanted to show that she isn't over it yet, but mainly that she is lonely, in some way broken and that she really needs help. I wanted to show her as a pony without hope, who suddenly gets visited by a mighty god. The light of hope awakens everything she swallowed in the past months and I wanted her just mentally collapse underneath this cold. I will work at this and give her a sharper character in the upcoming stuff (I'm not one for such changes after releasing). Revenge has no role in this fiction.
Failing at so many points, I'm really glad to hear that you liked Luna's parts. I enjoy to write her, and I enjoy sharing this joy. Ha! Of course her past is ammunition for Trixie.
I'm aware that it's about time for the next chapter, as already a month has passed since I started this fiction, but another story is keeping me busy and the only thing I can do is to promise to work as hard as possible to get free for this one again. Sorry.
(I shall not let this wait longer than another month, what would be too long already!)
So, yeah... thank you for commenting (and reading!) once more.
Carpe noctem,
--Chaodiurn