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When their plane somehow breaks in half and crash lands in Equestria, a high school journalism club must put their investigative skills to the test and find their way home. But as they began to do so, they discover that the inexplicable plane crash might not be the only mystery in Equestria.
A story inspired by ABC's LOST.
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The Journey
Grammar score: 8 out of 10 (A few missing capitalizations and shifts in tense, but solid overall.)
Pros: The best thing about this story is the diversity of interesting characters. The dialogue is also well-crafted and, for the most part, sounds like people talking to each other, very natural and character-revealing. Finally, the sense of mystery is accomplished pretty well. I am curious if the night sky thing that cut the plane in half has to do with Nightmare Moon or Princess Luna, and what is the fate of the other passengers.
Cons: The biggest con actually comes from the story's greatest strength: its cast of characters. There are just so many thrown at us all at once that it is really hard to keep track of them all in your head. The introduction to each of the characters also feels like something that came out of a video game instead of a story. (After I read the story, I noticed your author's note saying that that is the origin of the characters, which made perfect sense.) And since most of the story is dialogue, it would help if we got to see more of what was going on in the characters' heads. (Or at least one of them, a strong POV character whose thoughts we can read.)
Notes: The story has a lot of potential. I'm a big fan of LOST. One thing you might consider is that the writers of LOST faced the same challenge that you do: a huge cast of compelling characters. They introduced them slowly, centering each episode around one or two characters. I think your story could benefit with more time spent on one of the characters (perhaps Jeremy, since he has the biggest emotional investment that we can see so far) as the "main character" and slowly introduce the others. I really liked your cast. (I'm also a fan of anime and video games, so there were some characters I felt like I could relate to right away.) I've read the beginnings of a few Human in Equestria stories, and so many times the main characters of those feel like they could be interchangeable. Handling a cast with so much personality and variety might be a challenge, but there is a lot of potential in these characters.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, A Spell for Lyra.
1903240
Wow, thank you! THANKS for the review! I'll check your story out too, so don't worry!
But hmm... yeah, I needed to at least introduce who our cast is, before sending'em to Equestria. But eventually, I intend to have quite a bit of character focus for each of our characters in later chapters, including the occasional flashbacks LOST is known for to develop some serious character (alas, i just started watching it too and got instantly hooked, so I don't wanna find myself doing a blatant ripoff). The characters thrown at you at once each have their own role to fufill in the story and will make some kind of impact. I had to at least establish their existence so when we see them during the adventure, you won't be thinking "WHO DAT" or something.
Yo, it's RariTwiFan reporting in from Authors Helping Authors!
The Journey
Grammar: 9, it's pretty much perfect other than one or two missed capitalizations.
Pros: Really interesting premise. The mist thing has me interested. As does the whole telepathy thing going on with Trisha and the mysterious being. The characters are fantastic and have lots of potential for great relationship dynamics. The tension is very well realized and I gotta say I love that.
Cons: It was a bit confusing with all the characters. Though balancing them could make this story amazing. I can definitely see you doing that and I'm really looking forward to chapter 2!
I hope that you'll give my story, Colossal, a read and maybe you'll have some suggestions on how I can improve it.
1917850
Thanks for the review! I can admit, I kinda started to realize just HOW MUCH trouble it'd be having such a variety of characters, but with the tips given, I think i can pull this story off and have an original adventure with it's compelling characters. It's a challenge in of itself that I've actually done before, but it'll take some time before I can get back into that writing SWING, you know what i mean?
I'll answer the whole voice in Trisha's head sooooooon enough. A little later though, once I can get everyone settled into their story roles.
I want more chapters. I need more chapters.
reminds me of:
1949509
Of course! I loved that bit on FG. And in this case, it makes for a bit of serious humor. :p
1922895
well, you got more chapters! :p
Glad you're liking it so far!
It would have been better if you said Daughter of Eve instead of Child of Man.
1970355
Haha, yeah, I can change that. I hadn't even thought about "Daughter of Eve". I tend to see higher forms of power saying that line "Child of Man" deal. Like... Shin Megami Tensei kind of stuff.
Thanks for the quick feedback though, i appreciate it!
you mean he looks like this:
delfinoplaza.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/happy-mask-salesman.jpg
Does he sell happy masks. Also evil masks, masks from the vary deeps of hell. the kind of masks that would enslave humanity and demand tons of blood sacrifices, then watch Bambi and laugh at the part were the mum dies. but i bet other than that their mostly happy.
That's what she said.
2008012
I was wondering how to actually slip that reference in without saying the name blatantly. So I did a little wordplay, and called that guy a happy guy, even though he can get Pretty damn scary. >.>
I... that innuendo was unintended, i swear! <.<
OH DEAR LUNA WHY! Why did you have to remind me of that horrible horrible anime.
Boku No Pico. *shutter*
2043334
Hahahhahahaha!
Spike, none of the humans have checked out books.
2098227
I meant ponies!
whoops.
Consider that mistake fixed.
Thanks for the comment! :3
Shit is starting to get real now.
2116573
Yep... It took a little while, but we're finally getting to the point where things are gonna get good.
A story like this, I really had to take my time and really pace myself so we see some awesome.
Lots of buildup required.
*Ba Dum Tiss*
2129436
Seeing that kinda makes me realize I've been using that quote alot... >.>
But it's most definitely relevant, since it ties into the show's theme, albeit, a bit blatantly... <.<
This is a really good story, you deserve more views!!!::
2190256
Thank you for the compliment!
2116573
As of chapter 16, this statement should apply now. >.>
Well, I finally got around to reading this.
HiE usually aren't my thing, but i'll keep reading a little more.
I don't have a verdict for the story just yet, but i'll give it a thumbs up.
2346871
I'm surprised ya did! The chapters are gettin' kinda long these days. >_>
But thank you! Are you caught up though, or no?
Finally update! I'm a little bit worried about because i thought this story is gone hiatus or worse but now I feel much better :)
Very good job again, can't wait the next!
2552993
Haha, Thanks!
To be honest, I had kinda got a little unmotivated since I hadn't been receiving any feedback or comments for this fic in a looooooooong time, and I had kinda been earning a dislike every time I got a new chapter posted. But now I feel better after a pretty long break from it. In fact, I managed to completely figure out where I wanna go with this story, and It's gonna be HIGHLY shocking and original! (well dunno about shocking, but definitely different!)
But Thanks for commenting!
I would have went with the New Lunar Republic and the Solar Empire but I guess you needed a something from their world the humans could relate to.
2850540
Well yeah. They're only research groups, not nations. A thousand years ago, the groups had a single task.
Saying they're a republic or an empire would mean that they're a whole friggin state. Not to mention, I'd have to slap on the AU tag for real if we're gonna deal with whole universes.
Sooooooo I stick with Lunar Illuminati and Celestial Committee. Plus, it's as you said; something the humans could relate to. So it works. :P