Chaos at the Calling of Cutie

by BluPenguin

Apple 'Blooms' An Idea

Chapter One- Apple 'Blooms' An Idea

"Role-Call! Sweetie Belle?"
"Here!"
"Scootaloo?"
"Here."
"And of course, the marvellous Apple Bloom is here!" Apple Bloom giggled as she got down from the podium went over to her two partners who of which formed the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "So, girls... Applejack and Big Mac are lettin' me use the barn for anythin' I want this weekend! Y'all got any ideas?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at eachother with delight, and then started thinking. After a few minutes of silence, Scootaloo jumped up and fluttered in the air, her wings making a little buzzing noise.
"I know, I have an idea, Bloom! We could invite Babs Seed and the CMC from Manehatten and we could have a big slumber party in the barn! It would be awesome." She did a little fist pump before landing on the floor again; and Apple Bloom simply shrugged.
"It's a good idea n' all, Scoot... But Applejack would never let me sleep n' the barn... It gets too cold n' there at night. You got an idea, Sweetie Belle?" The white filly shook her head and frowned. A wave a disappointment appeared on Apple Bloom's face as she thought that it would just be another one of those weekends where she'd be forced to do chores with Big MacIntosh, until she had her own idea. "I know! Babs Seed told me that the news about the CMC spread really far because she told everybody in her class who had 'blank flanks' and they all told their friends who lived in Canterlot and Appleloosa and Cloudsdale and even Gallopfornia and Stalliongrad!"
All three agreed on the idea, and called it the 'Call of the Cutie Mark Crusaders'. Sweetie Belle got started on posters, running around gathering glitter, materials and 'borrowing' some of Rarity's glue and gems.
"Sweetie Belle isn't Rarity gonna want that?" Scootaloo raised an eyebrow as she saw what the filly had collected.
"Nah, Spike's always getting my sister jewels and stuff." She smiled and got to work.
Scootaloo got started on decorations and the entertainment, she also 'borrowed' some materials from Rarity, but actually asked unlike Sweetie Belle who had just snuck it out when Rarity had her head turned. She made banners of all kinds, and even made a bunch of good-looking napkins that had 'CMC' sprawled on with fancy writing.
Apple Bloom was in charge of the guest list, invitations and food. She wrote down all the names of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and asked Sweetie Belle to put on the poster that any school-age filly or colt could come if they had no cutie mark. She made invitations and sent them out EVERYWHERE, and when she was pleased, she went to Sugarcube Corner to ask Pinkie Pie if she could make a bunch of cakes, candies and treats.
"Please Pinkie Pie? It's for our big Cutie Mark Crusader meeting and lots of ponies are going to come!"
Pinkie Pie looked unsure. Mr and Mrs Cake had been under a lot of pressure looking after Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake, as they were nearly a year old.
"Okay, I'll try," said Pinkie Pie, smiling at the yellow filly, "when is the party?"
"This weekend."
"This weekend?! Oh dear! Okay, I'm right on it!" Pinkie Pie said in her usual perky way, and zoomed off into the kitchen. "I'll deliver them to Sweet Apple Acres on Saturday morning!" She shouted as Apple Bloom left the store, leaving Pinkie two bits as a tip.
A few hours later, after everything had been set up in the barn and the haystacks had been put to the sides of the room and a few tables had been set up, the three fillies were done.
"This is great! Awesome work, girls!" Scootaloo said, leaping up into the air and hovering for a few seconds.
"This meeting is gonna be amazing!" Sweetie Belle squealed in excitement.
"Great work, girls. Let's hit the hay n' come back tomorrow mornin' so we can be here when Pinkie Pie delivers the cakes n' candy." Apple Bloom shut the barn doors and split up from her friends, walking through a few lines of apple trees before arriving at her house, where she could smell the sweet scent of Applejack's apple fritters.

To be continued...

Author's Note:

Well, this is my first post on FIMFiction... Let's see how many haters say I suck at writing stories, hm? I hope not D: Because you are looking at a human version of Pinkie Pie here!
"I bet you can't make a face as crazy as.... THIS!" XD

Comments

[Ponyzilla]

**Just finished reading the first chapter** 

A couple things to point out here... but firstly, I'll say that the idea of having a CMC gathering was a great concept, and a great way to portray possible chaos that'll ensue once everypony arrives. While the idea is great, the writing style is.... Well, let me point out a few things. 

Firstly, I felt like you made the mistake of telling, and not showing.

Secondly, whenever anybody talks (applies for any story; novels, fanfics, you name it), you're supposed to put a break in between paragraphs, so it looks like this: 

"What are ya talkin' about?" Apple Bloom asked. She was gaping at Sweetie Belle, who was preparing to enter the Everfree Forest with a saddlebag that appeared to be carrying almost nothing inside. Sweetie Belle looked away, not wanting to make eye contact with the yellow filly, whose eyes were welling up with tears. 

"I'm sorry, Apple Bloom-- I just... gotta go," Sweetie Belle mumbled under her breath.

 

Don't mind the content of what I just wrote... that was completely on the spot, but yeah, paragraph breaks when /different/ people speak. 

Thirdly, there are a few missing commas here and there, and finally, I feel like the entire chapter could use some paragraph breaks, just to make it easier on the eye. Press enter twice when you're starting a new paragraph (or again, when different people speak). 

Other than that, uh, yeah. I'll try out the next chapter! 

Hope to see you improve, and keep up the good work! 

P.S. If anything, don't be let down. Negative comments are only negative if you believe them to be bad. Frankly, I simply want to see you improve. Writing styles and ideas are kind of like pillars holding up the final product. When either of the pillars fall, the whole story falls (well, that's kind of an exaggeration, but you know what I mean!). Whatever it is, criticism exists to help, so I really hope to see you improve on some of the aspects I listed above.

[Rattus and The Victor]

I really think it is good so far, and unlike most stories on FIMFiction, yours a good plot, and you portray the characters with such ease
(And if you can impress me, you can impress anybody/any-pony)

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Not bad so far but the wall of text is an issue, nothing destroys a good fanfic more than a wall of text. Trust me.