“Life is what we make of it. Travel is the traveler. What we see isn't what we see but what we are.”
Cherry Garden is a painter who is being tormented by terrible dreams. Can Twilight Sparkle gather the Elements of Harmony and her friends in the dream and help Cherry Garden defeat Discord?
[img]http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130204082840/mlp/images/f/f2/Jubileena_ID_S3E3.png[/img]
(Cherry Garden is similar to Vincent van Gogh, but she is NOT just like van Gogh.)
(A story I've had in mind since I signed up on FiM-Fiction)
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This seems interesting but I would recommend not using big letters
1986257Well, thanks for the checking it out, I really appreciate it.
What do you mean by big letters?/
A couple things about the way Twilight is presented here...
Somehow I don't see Twi saving something to read later... I imagine her going through every new book of hers altogether, rather than holding things off.
Given Twilight's magical prowess, I don't think she would hide from things as quickly as somepony such as Fluttershy would. She's more likely to prepare a spell and be a little cautious, but not scared.
Some other things I'd like to point out:
Slowly shouldn't be capitalized here.
Thoughts, though it's entirely up to the author, are usually presented in italics, sometimes not even in any sort of quotations, and sometimes in between a set of apostrophes. Not entirely necessary, it just helps to show that something is a thought rather than having to say it is.
Twilight jumping into the air is more of something you'd see in a cartoon, and even though this is based off of a cartoon, some prefer not to have cartoon-physics apply to fanfiction.
Passive voice doesn't work too well in third person writing, it's meant more for first person. If this was written in Twilight's point of view, this and other uses of the passive voice would make more sense.
This sentence doesn't work that well for a few reasons, for one, the way it starts off makes it seem as if Discord will do more than just toss the book, such as: 'Tossing the book at Twilight, he let out a mischievous chuckle, earning a glare from Twilight as the book impacted with her head.'
Maybe not the best example, and I have a feeling I didn't point things out too well with that, but that sentence could use a little bit of editing.
You could also do with a little more showing, rather than telling. This is something that every author should learn to do, and I will admit I have some problems with it myself sometimes.
Hopefully this can help you.
And with that, I conclude my somewhat (I believe so) lengthy list of advice/whatever you'd like to consider it, and I hope that you will be able to improve.
Okie dokie lokie!
The only thing I didn't really change (only removing the "and" after the semicolon) is the passive voice of Cherry Garden's mouth not moving... I couldn't think of a way to to change it and still to give it the same ghostly feeling I was going for...
All things taken into account (including the typoed capitaled "slowly"), and slightly altered to sound and flow better
I took out the part in the sentence in which it says that Twi will read books later; I altered the cowering behind the books, and hopefully instead suggested her using it more of a defence out of pure shock; I changed the thinking into italics; the jump into a start; hopefully made the tossing of the book more clear and less akward.
And, ah, yes, the old "show-don't-tell;" I recieved a similar comment on the first chapter of The Great Filly Violin Prodigy. However, though the story is also unpopular, I hope I have cleaned it up in subsequent chapters therein.
Now, I wonder if it is souly on the telling of the story that loses the interests of readers, or more the theme... or some mix of the two; or something yet unpercieved?
Nothing, pray, too wrong with the second part, eh?
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!! (yes, capitalized, because you're awesome!
) I really appreciate your help
2128775Oops, forgot to tag
My, my, my! Thank you for the like as well!
2128933
You're welcome!
And I'd have to say it's a mix between the theme of the story along with how it's written, good writing helps hold the interest of the reader alongside an interesting story. You can have fantastic writing skills but a dull story, and that won't really get you too far. You can also have horrible writing skills and a great idea for a story, and that won't really get you too far either. Being able to write at least decently (which is something that you've shown you can do, though improvements are always helpful) alongside telling a unique/interesting story will draw readers to you and your stories. I wish you luck for anything you write in the future.
I don't think that I have ever read a fic that draws upon classical real world artists before, at least nothing like what you did here. I know Cherry Garden isn't supposed to be van Gogh, but I really liked what you did with the character. So when's the next update?
2180592Not sure.... I have an idea, but haven't been working on it of late. However, I can tell you the paintings will be from van Gogh's Auvers-Sur-Oise paintings, and Ponyville will be falling apart! like Auver-Sur-Oise is in his paintings, and that Discord painting will finally come into play
I'm glad you enjoy it!
Oh, and about Cherry Garden and the van Gogh author comment thing, just put that up for "just in case" things, for those really into van Gogh, like me
the art really adds to the experience. continue on.
2180592>>2186201 Last part is nearly completely planned out. Needs only be writ
2289231 Many happy faces of happy.
2289259ARG! This conclusion! It needs more life... I am unsure of it's publication date
2322067 That works out fine for me!
Looking at all these views my story is getting, and realizing it's just me viewing the unpublished 3rd part, writing it...
Kinda how it is for most of my views on this story, I reckon
2322999
2180592>>2322999 Alright, I've been thinking, and I'll leave this to you two to decide:
Should I split this final chapter in two? Breaking off at the point where Twi And CG wake up.
Reasons why I would think of doing this:
1) The last chapter, when the dream is done, will already be longer than both previous combined.
2) The scene that follows them waking up is very important to seeing what kind of pony Cherry Garden is and how she interacts with Twi, even after she has just saved her; and also very important in hinting to her life and what follows after this story. I think no more than 2,000--3,000 words here, and titling it something like "Beauty" or "A Nopony" or "Portrait" if it is split.
Now, I would like to very humbly ask you two, as the only two so far who seem to really enjoy it (and thank you SO MUCH!
*hugs!*), to seriously consider which would be best (to split the part or not) for the story and for the readers. Please leave me reasons either way
You will get to read the next chapter sooner if you decide to split it.
I honestly don't mind so much either way. I can work with both, and it should give the same effect whether or not it is split.
I know this is weird to ask.... but I'd love to hear the feed-back, and I value my readers' opinions on the story.
Thank you!
2610402 Hmm.... it's a tough decision... I'd say split it, if only to keep consistent chapter lengths.
2610461Taken into consideration. Thank you
2610465 um... please tell me that in your canon, Cherry doesn't... you know... her ear...
2610485You know what I said to you in the comments of the CG group.........................
2610485Sorry
2610485Also the little girl in the second part talking about CG's "insane gift"...... yeah... it was there from the beginning....
2610493 S'alright. I was just making sure.
2610505Gunna split it. And also, almost done with this chapter--FINALLY!!!!
I can honestly say, I did not expect this to happen here at the end of the dream--but what can I say: it's written by Twilight, Discord, and Cherry Garden, not me.
2625431 true genius takes time.
2625469Writing the last line now
2625469Okay. Now the really last part.... later
This part made me feel a mixture of emotions.
2626841Thanks.
Hopefully they were good.... well, i mean, good as in they were the intended feels the story was meant to make
Edited some words just after the "because I was with her" concerning Twi's pain in her chest
2628614 I'm sure they were.
I like how you portrayed exactly how the Mane six would react in this exact situation: alienating anything that doesn't conform to the normal, exactly as Tia taught them.
2628999Good and thanks
Excellent
2629636 somehow... I would imagine Cherry getting along with Luna better...
2629659Wanna spoiler on who she gets along with? Well, it's kinda explained mostly in the group description of her, but she also gets along well with Diamond Tiara of all ponies!
You'll find out why when I get there in a new story. Or if you're eager, you can just look up van Gogh's life in Auvers-Sur-Oise and find a kid that gets along with him well.
That's probably TMI
But, yes, Luna and her get along once Luna finds out more about her
2629679 I knew it.
2629690Ya did? How?
2629704 I'm good at guessing.
2629715Wait... the Luna part or the Diamond Tiara part?
Good at guessing... can you guess what happens in the final scene by all my "
"
2629720 the Luna part. I could have guessed the DT part by your user page, though.
and unfortunately, I can't, or don't want to. (it would ruin the surprise!)
2629778I don't even know what's gunna happen for sure
(I've had a vague idea. But, as I said, it's Twilight and Cherry Garden writing this story, not me.)
Twi and CG better start letting me know soon
Hi HeartTortoisePigeonDog! This is CartoonNick3! We met at EQLA a couple weeks ago. You were talking about this and I wanted to do a review in return. Now this is the first FIMFiction review I've done, but I will try to compose my thoughts the best I can.
First, I must say that the concept of this alone is a very daunting task on many levels and I commend you for it. To give a background pony meaning and a place in the fandom without having any "material" to work off of (i.e. Doctor Whooves with his relation to a renowned series, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia with their easily recognizable and contrasting tastes in music just by the way they look and Derpy
no reasoning is needed...), I believe is only second to actually getting a fanmade character an episode in the show. Someone could easily suggest another take on the character that completely contrasts yours and there would be no official "material" to obtain a middle ground. Another level is that you have based this pony's personality on Vincent Van Gogh, if not taking his whole life and putting it in Equestria. Now I'm probably not the best to talk about this person but to me, when someone ties Vincent Van Gogh to their story, they must somehow find a way to capture a piece of his brilliance, the tragedy he lived and what we have left of his outlook on the world. I believe that the Doctor Who episode "Vincent and the Doctor" did this beautifully and still gave the audience an interesting adventure and a satisfying conclusion to boot. So it's great that this story reminds me of it but, like I said, I'm probably not the best one to talk about this person. There have probably been better stories that had the life of Vincent Van Gogh as their focus that I am unaware of. Now, in terms of tone, I don't believe this story truly resonates with the show of My Little Pony. Instead, I believe it's more like the comics which is great because the comics have been known to make stories based figures that have tremendously impacted art, literature and culture in general such as "Jade Singer." What I find most interesting about your choice for Cherry Garden and her relation to Vincent Van Gogh is that she's still living the tragedy. This creates a dynamic where most of the world, even though it is Equestria, hates her while the audience and a select few ( Luna, Twilight, and even Discord ) sympathize with her but in a way, as if there's nothing they can do. As if she's already passed on. The simultaneous feeling of living and dead for this character is astonishing. You have inspired to write about another figure who lived through tragedy and was forgotten by time. Subsequently, I also have to make a video where I develop theories on what happened in Equestria in the last 100 years. That'll be fun. Thank you.
Wow, it just occurred to me that I haven't even started talking about what was actually written in the chapter.
I'll try to do a constructive critique of it by today or tomorrow. This is actually the third time I've read this chapter and I'm almost done with the second one. I hope you find this review ( well actually it's more of a pre-review ) helpful or at least complementing. Thanks for taking your time to read this. It was great meeting you at EQLA! Bye for now!
2662494(weird: NONE of the emoticons are working on my side... Hopefully they are working for you)
*jumps up and down so full of giddy energy like Pinkie!*
It's absolutley GREAT to hear from you
(I assume you were the Nick I met, right?... I can't remember... were you the quiet one or the loud interested one.... uhh... sorry, so many names
)--but, anywhooo!
This is FANTASIC!
Thank you so much for you insight there! Very interesting.
(Also, concerning Doctor Who's portrayal of Vincent... Personally, as a an who loves van Gogh dearly, from what I saw of the episode, they did him little justice, but well enough for their purpose, I suppose(for example: they had him living in a hut, and living in at least 3 places--Arles, Saint Remy, Auvers-sur-Oise--at once without really living anywhere, which annoyed me so much!)
But that's just touching on sensitive ground with me, mayhaps
Sorry
)
Concerning Cherry Garden herself, in relation to van Gogh, though she is very similar to him in many, many ways, she lived a life uniquely her own. She goes through many of the same stages of life as him, perhaps (e.g. she cuts off part of her, something I will be writing about in another story which should prove to be fun and well influenced--not just by van Gogh, but also by Ryunosuke Akutagawa
) About her personality as well: it's a mix of what I can gather to have been van Gogh's and also my own
Love this
This is interesting....
Thank you so much for this pre-review, then, my friend
I look forward to the full. I wish I could like your comment twice
By the way, currently in the process of editing (cleaning-up) the entire story
(P.S. I know I had said that the third part would be the last, but Twilight and Cherry Garden have showed me up.. again. They need it to be longer! So, there will be one last part in which the reader gets to see Cherry Garden, for the first time, completely free from sleeplessness and Discord....
)
2662494I appologize for my rather rough and quick reply there.
It really is great hearing from you--and not because you are reading my fic and commenting on it, but because I love hearing from my friends
I thank you again with a big hug for that exhaustive comment, and for the time you took to write it and time you are taking to read and seriously consider this story.
I'm happy to hear I have helped inspire you. I love that feeling of being inspired by something
Oh, something I forgot to mention:
Might I ask of you to explain a bit more. I think I'm missing something
By the way: fun art you do!
Well, I eagerly await to hear from you, my friend
Hello again! Okay now for the actual review. Let's talk about what I loved about this chapter.
The scenes when Twilight is interacting with Luna, Discord and Cherry Garden are spot on show material.
Fantastic.
Cherry Garden is presented quite nicely, even though she is in a sleepless state. The jokes at her expense are very funny actually.
I like the scene with Twilight and Cherry Garden in the kitchen. It displays Twilight's ability to secretly move the pawns around the board to her liking. The addition of "(a relatively unused room)" is a nice touch of continuity. Also, I like tea so it strikes a personal chord.
Then, there's that scene.....
That first scene.....
You know which one I'm talking about.....
If I were to talk about how much I love that scene and why others should love that scene, I would be doing a disservice. The words you've chosen are all there need to be. The only thing I can say is "You've captured that picture and it is breathtaking."
Now let me take a moment to talk about why I like your method, in terms of using pictures. With the new ability to use pictures in stores on this site, some writers tend to use "show don't tell" in a new way: by actually showing us what we are supposed to imagine. For example, let's say someone's making a Bioshock crossover. One writer might say:
youngmanblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/bioshock-big-daddy.jpg
And that's it.....
You take your time building up the image before showing us. I guess in other words: You paint the picture before showing us the painted picture.
Anyway, I also love Discord's description of Cherry Garden's life: how he's sympathetic to her tragedy but also mocks it at the same time. He sounds like a vindictive history professor to me which also brings in the dynamic for Cherry Garden of both living and dead which I mentioned earlier.
Now the last thing that I loved that I want to mention is the book titles from the beginning of the chapter.
I love it when the characters are given little hints to what the plot is about before it takes off. It's just a guilty pleasure of mine.
Moving on, I know you are in the middle of editing, so I won't really focus on any misspellings and misused phrases. YayFlutters pretty much covered most of chapter 1 anyway.
- she says
The only problem I have with this chapter is that there are some parts when Twilight is alone, she doesn't sound like herself. Let me explain. When Twilight is in her fantasy world- which is none other than a gigantic library
This is not what I believe Twilight would say. Granted, she is alone in her dreams but there are levels of composure that every character posses. Each character acts differently in each level. Twilight acts differently when she's around Princess Celestia ( reserved, cautious & rather quite) compared to when she's around her friends ( loud, outspoken, & talkative). In this scene, Twilight would be at one of the lowest levels because she's in an environment that she's comfortable, if not enthralled, to be in and is with someone she considers as family, Spike. Even at this level, I don't believe she would use the word "awesome." I just don't believe it's in her vocabulary. I do see her jumping up and down, giggling like a schoolfilly.
( Chrystal Library, anyone? )
The paragraph before was perfect. The only thing I would change would be that quote and possibly try to tie in the sense of foal-like joy that Twilight gets from these things, but that's just me.
Another example would be in chapter 2.
I don't believe she would say this out loud. I know that people tend to speak anything that's on their mind when they are alone but Twilight is also in a place she's unfamiliar with, Cherry Gardens's dreams. She would probably treat the asylum like any other place in the real world and keep her thoughts to herself.
Now I would like to show you a quote where Twilight talking to herself actually worked.
This makes perfect sense. Twilight is most likely at her lowest level of composure. She has just casted a spell she has never tried before that brought her to the exact location she was previously standing in and the realization of being in someone's dreams hasn't home yet. Once it did, she experiences joy over her successfully casted spell, then brings herself back to her normal level of composure "remembering her mission."
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m41811Gbfc1r1io7p.gif
I hope the whole "levels of composure" aspect of my critique makes sense. I haven't really researched any actual terms. I'm sorry for this being a day late. I was about to type this around 10 p.m. last night when my body thought it would be a good time to take a 15 hour nap. I'll answer your question about "material" and "middle ground" soon. It's just that I believe this review is getting a bit long. Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful. Bye for now!
2672726Sorry it's taken me like a time and a half to reply
Anyway, thanks again for this!
Your reviews have been the most helpful I have ever yet recieved
Don't be shy pointing things out to fix if you see them in a chapter--it really helps if you do. So do please
I', really glad you love that first scene. Actually, the pictures came a while later, so the descriptions were first, so I tried my best to paint them without adding them. Then I thought "wait, most pony's won't know the paintings I'm talking about, no matter how well I describe them." So the pics became added by the time the second part was done.
Concerning the pics in the third part, when you get there, I took a little more liberty on some of the descriptions in terms of not fully painting them, to give a sense of something falling apart, to contrast against the before vivid descriptions. Dividing them up, the first and second parts are like twins, and the third is their eccentric sister. The fourth... well it hasn't been started yet, actually
I'll figure out that scene with Twi alone in the library... and at the asylum... hmmm....
Let me know when you finish the third part
Also, for all you've done, I'll give you a little treat--or about as much as I can give online on a site dedicated to MLP fan fiction: a peak at a new story involving Cherry Garden! Not too many people read this story (most of the views it has received have been because of myself viewing it, editing it), so I have no worries giving the link and viewing password here:
Here is the link, and here is the viewing password:
Gauguin
2672726You know, this is probably REALLY weird and out of place to ask, as well as quite vain, but, based on your own opinion, how would you rate this story so far... it's promise, it's handling of the subject, theme, emotions, characters, etc., though the last part is not write yet. How does it stand as a story? Out of a hundred?
I'm sorry, I just really don't get the opportunity to get real insight on my work from others
2685199 Oh my goodness! I am SO sorry! For the last two weeks and a half, I've been working on my second video for my youtube channel. I focused on it 24/7. Though I have not made any real progress in reading your story since June 3rd, reviewing "Discord Van Gogh" will be my number one priority this week. I hope you will forgive me.
Thank you for allowing me to read the preview of your new Cherry Garden story as well. That really meant a lot to me. I'll make a review of that too! As for the rating of your story (out of a hundred), I don't believe I can give a number yet. It's been two weeks since I read chapter 2 and I want to reread it and possibly even chapter 1 before moving to chapter 3. I'm also not really comfortable of giving a piece of art a number of any sort. I'm better at just giving my opinion and introspection of the piece.
And finally, my explanation to the "materials" and "middle ground" argument.
First, I'm going to put up my own quote just for reference.
Let's look at a background pony who does have material from the show, Derpy Hooves.
Over the three and a half years that she has existed, there have been many takes on her character. Fans have debated on if she is mentally handicapped or if she is only has a form of strabismus. There has also been questions about if she has been or continues to be teased and abused for her disability, leading to speculations on how Equestria might deal with issues like these. Some fans have even suggested that Ditzy Doo is her real name and "Derpy Hooves" is derogatory. Then there's the question about her relationship with Doctor Whooves which opens up a whole new can of worms. Despite all of these questions, there is material from the show that creates a middle ground on some aspects of her character to which many fans agree on. We know she can be clumsy from "Feeling Pinkie Keen." We know she likes muffins from "Applebuck Season." And at the very least, we know she is "different" from other ponies since the episode "Friendship is Magic, Pat 1."
On the contrary, say I want to make a fanfic about Archer that says that she's related to Scootaloo. Some fans may completely agree with that notion while others might have some issues on why Scootaloo hasn't even mention her until my story. (Though that hasn't stop the show form doing so.) While on one hand Archer hasn't been seen in Applebloom's class since "Call of the Cutie," she still remains in Ponyville because she's is at one of the arcade machines in "Hearts and Hooves Day." And someone could write a in-depth fanfic about her living in Manehatten with no relation to Scootaloo. Then, the writer and I might engage in a fight to find out who is "correct" about Archer until the show actually develops some material for her, thus creating a middle ground.
Hope I explained this well. Truth be told, I'm not even sure what I just said.
Once again, I hope you can forgive me for my absence. If it's worth anything, here is the video I've been working on.
It's about me confronting my conflicting opinions about "Magical Mystery Cure." It's only has 3 views as I'm typing this and I'm pretty sure they're all mine.
So you will be the first person to officially see it. Be forewarned, I do poke fun at some of the pre-viewing Equestria Girls drama by being a parody of it. It's all for fun. I haven't seen Equestria Girls yet and I'm trying to avoid as many spoilers as possible but I believe EQG is going to be just fine. ( Just as long as Twilight DOESN'T fall in love with "Brad" and has a bittersweet goodbye only to find a pony version of him staring her right in the face but is completely unaware of the events that transpired and the question of Twilight pursuing a romantic relationship in the actual series is drowned out by the rapid conclusion of the film flashing before our eyes to the point that many fans won't realize this until they are out of the theaters once again leaving them cold, confused and apprehensive of what's to come. But that would be ridiculous, RIGHT?!?!?
......... right?) I would appreciate any comments or critique you may have about my video. Anyway, hope you like it! Bye for now! 
2772528Bleh, we take our time
Now concerning your video, I have one MAJOR complaint:
NEEDS MORE SUNSET SHIMMER!!!!!
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th01.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/158/f/6/seeya_sucker__by_masemj-d685rxl.png
By the way, have you seen EQG since you posted this comment? Some like it, some don't... I loved it!
Anywhooo.... In all seriousness...
I liked your video! It did remind me of those two you threw up there somewhere in the middle of it. Some things, e.g. those links on the video for those two, were rather fast. There was a bit of repetition in the video that didn't take away anything from what you were saying, but to me seemed like it might be sloppy--but I'm a writer, chiefly, not a youtuber
The overall quality and sounds and whatever those fancy-shmancy ligno means this and means that, was well done, I thought myself.
I'm not sure how much more I can critique it
It explained what it meant, and that was good.
Much much better than I can do in a video
Alas, I digress.
Hope you're having fun in whatever it is you are doing now!!!
And I look forward to hearing from you soon!
wow.
3164838
Either I did very well, bad, or you haven't read yet
3166000 you did amazing!