CerebralInterface
Joined 4th Dec, 2012 ·
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Interesting setup so far, but it is like you say: kind of dry.
The first chapter sort of suffers from wall-of-text syndrome as it heads towards the end, so be sure to try to divvy out your paragraphs properly so it doesn't become a chore to read. Might also be worth looking into double spacing between paragraphs; makes it a bit easier on the eyes to follow.
1890942
Thanks for the feedback. I had the gdoc double spaced but couldn't figure out how to do it again with the fimfiction editor.
Not a bad start but having Graymane sucking himself and swallowing it just grossed me out. Made my stomach a little quesy.
1891293
Thanks for the comment! Don't worry, next chapter involves some Gray getting some mare action. I have about a fifth of it typed up right now :)
= INSTANT FAVE
Could you explain the title for me quickly?
I think I know what you're intending it to mean, but I might be mistaken.
That. Was. Hot.
Following.
Write my boy, write! Or should I say type, I don't know. Just gimme maor.
1894700
The title is going to make more sense later on, but what I meant it to mean is a stupid lack of interest. Graymane is a tinkerer, so he will tend to get lost in what he is doing and forget about everything else.
1895405
Well I am glad you liked it! I should have the new chapter finished if not thursday, then sometime over the weekend.
1896266
As I thought.
And this story is starting to turn me away with how Greymane is being treated. Rape is part of sanitation cleaning?
2792885
Don't worry, the shower crew gets theirs eventually, but it isn't supposed to be nice in the first place, it's supposed to be despicable and make you feel like he's being taken advantage of because he is. If I wanted something nice, I would write a romantic comedy. Also, it's only that crew that rapes certain patients, so don't think it's the entire hospital in on it. Sorry if I'm a bit snarky, but thanks for reading.
And Greymane sucking himself off again seriously made me wanna vomit.
2945037
Yeah, but you're still reading so I take that as a compliment. I did actually intend for some mare action to be possible during the second chapter, but I lost any drive to finish the sex scenes, so I cut it where I had it and moved on. The autofellatio will appear a few more times, as it does play a few important parts in the story, but overall Gray is gonna be getting more mare action than stallion. If not the next chapter, then the chapter afterwords I want to write something involving straight mare on stallion action. Honestly though, next chapter might not even have a clop scene, I'm not sure yet, I haven't storyboarded it.
2945050 I'm reading the story but I have to skip over the self-sucking parts. Makes my stomach start to churn otherwise.
2948857
That's great, cause it means someone is interested in the story and not the clop. The scenes contents itself isn't so much as important as is the scene existing. I could cut or censor them to the same effect, but I enjoy writing them as well as the story.
... Uh, bro... Real talk... The fuck did I just read? I, I, I really hope his love for his own semen ends soon, it's freaking me out.
3458315
In a way, sure. But, that little detail isn't really mentioned in other chapters. In depth, it isn't so much a love for cum, but a love for salty foods... And cum, but that is neither here nor there in relevance.
3458421
... Aight... Well I guess I'll see where this goes...
Any updates?
This story is awesome o.o
2945050 If it makes any kind of difference on the matter, I happen to adore autofellatio. Underrated fetish. You ever consider marking your chapters with cautionary warnings of what type of fetish is inside? It'd be a shame if some aspect of the story was completely removed.