The Misadventures of Shorthoof

This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

toruto

toruto #1 · Dec 27th, 2012 · · ·

Love it right more
It just grate

toruto

toruto #2 · Dec 27th, 2012 · · ·

Love it right more
It just grate

Derpamena

Derpamena #3 · Dec 27th, 2012 · · ·

thanks!!!!

Kill Joy

Kill Joy #4 · Dec 27th, 2012 · · ·

Where is this going?
Hmmmmm

Noy sure but i like it.

Librarian

Librarian #5 · Jan 6th, 2013 · · ·

Awesome start.
Go on.

blus fanfics

blus fanfics #6 · Jan 13th, 2013 · · ·

if you were making a skyrim referenence it's dovahkin not dovakhin

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #7 · Jan 13th, 2013 · · ·

Review brought to you by Authors helping Authors.

Grammar out of 10: 7

Pros
1. A nice start to a longer fic
2. You handled Trolestia well at times
3. The fic reads well structually.

Cons
1. A few easy to miss grammar mistakes
2. Shorthoof feels like a mary sue at times - how is she closer to Celestia than Twilight?
3. If Shorthoof is so close to the princess, how did she not notice her personality problems earlier?

Detailed notes
(For the purpose of this review, I will be treating Shorthoof as an OC, rather than a background pony simply because she has no established character to build on.)

This was a good start as far as laying the foundations for a multichapter fic goes. You have expanded on a short throwaway character, established a source of conflict (the mystery shadow) and established the throwaway's relationship to canon characters.

However you don't give all that much information about Shorthoof other than that she wears glasses. What kind of pony is she? what is her coat and mane colours? is she near or far sighted. While there is a picture of a pony who I can assume to be Shorthoof on the front cover, actually stating these things as part of the fic helps to fully establish the character, especially for those who don't check the picture out and just go for the actual story itself.
Clearly stating a charactersgetting the reader to like and care about an OC and right now Shorthoof comes across as a Mary Sue style character - you mention that Celestia regards her as closer to her than Twilight is, but do not give any type of reason as to why other than that she has known Shorthoof for years.

As far as the grammar goes - it wasn't too bad but there were several sections that contained an easy to miss error that wouldn't show up on a normal spell checker.

As Shorthoof moved these decorations, the servants of the castle rushed in and grabbed whatever they could. Lights were flying everywhere, ornaments in the shapes of ponies were rolling down the ground, stockings were hanged upside down, the chaos was everywhere. The royal staff have decided to surprise their princess with their decorations; but Shorthoof couldn’t keep the staff under control.

Random shift into present tense from the past tense style of the rest of the story. Should be 'The royal staff HAD decided to suprise'

Shorthoof looked up and the voice came back, “We. Are. Through. Shorthoof?”

Who is the speaker at this line. If it is Celestia then it should be on a new line seperate from the other senetence. If is is shadow then it should be in italics as the rest of Shadows lines are.

Using her 1000 year knowledge and being the previous bearer of honesty, Celestia knew she was hiding something. “Well... do you have anywhere to go to this week?”

This one is more of a stylistic choice than an actual grammar error. The first sentence just feels clunky and doesn't flow. Celestia is well over 1000 years old.

maybe try something like

Through a millennium of experience in dealing with ponies, as well as being a former bearer of the Element of Honesty, Celestia knew that she was hiding something.

Please don't see this as me having a go at the story. I liked this chapter. Just be cafeful to double check your grammar and really give any OC's some true character.

This is an example of someone creating a OC for a fic. Justice OC guide
While you don't need to go into anywhere this much detail if you don't want to, running through it will help you nail down exactly what you want your OC to be like.

If you found something useful then please at least take a look at one of my submitted fics
Interview with the Changeling
or its sequel Trixie - Saviour of all Equestria

PersonalGamer