thevoice
Joined 21st Nov, 2012 ·
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Well... that was...
((This is the only gif I have for this. Sadness.))
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/322/431/fcc.gif
Another Scootaloo gore fic.
sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/312656_355924574504727_1591171224_n.jpg
*Debesh yawns.*
Barely a thousand words on a complete gorefic about Scootabuse. I'll just downvote this for now; I'll pull a review together when I'm not so fething tired.
1856043 I have come upon a shocking scientific anomaly, I don't give a fuck.
It's more entertainment for me than help for you, 1856048; you've got a stubborn streak that reeks of the kind of person that would just ignore my advice anyway.
1856060 I wouldn't ignore it, If it was hateful I would laugh and add it to the folder of hate-mail I have already acquired, If it is actual advice I may listen. Either way I don't care, if you write a review or not.
In that case, 1856071, I'd love to write a review for you. I tend to be nasty sometimes, but I do try to help people.
1856083 Go ahead.
I should have been asleep a long time ago, 1856089. Give me... ugh... eight hours?
1856094 O.k. then, I'll still be up either on here writing about ponies doing drugs or playing Minecraft.
WOOO, a Scootaloo fic.
...
...
OH SWEET JESUS GOD, NO, NO, NO, WHY CANT I GO TWO STORY'S WITHOUT SEEING A GENERIC SCOOTALOO ABUSE FIC
...
On another note, a bit of polish and it would be a great fic.
pic related, my reaction about it near the end...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5vz0vCbdS1r1g5kzo1_500.gif
1856188 Oh, hot squid.
LOL, What a wonderful Christmas gift.
1856898 Christmas? It's fucking Hanuka in this house mother fucker.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Before we get to the story itself, thevoice, I think it's a good idea to bring up your history. Of the four you've written, three have been marked Mature and contain either gore or sex. Now, if you like gorefics that's your thing; I have a penchant for grimdark myself, so it's nothing to you as a person. Bad examples of sex and gore, though, more than your usual badfics, attract a lot of hate; you undoubtedly know this from your experience with Soggy Waffle. I think Merry Fucking Christmas is a step in the right direction; step away from the gore and sex and focus on your writing skills before trying your hand at it again.
This is excessive, I think. There's a Sad and Dark tag; you don't need a disclaimer in all caps. Instead, focus on making a bit more of an engaging description. For example...
Just one way you could take it. Don't put disclaimers or A/Ns or anything else in your description; just tell readers what to expect from the story.
Now, I'm not going to say a thing after this about grammar and spelling issues. They exist, though, and you should either make your own effort to clean them up or find a proofreader willing to help you out.
Here we are. This, dear author, is what is wrong with your story.
There's no soul to it.
What does the room look like? What is Scootaloo thinking? Is she excited about Hearth's Warming Eve? Is she glad her dad isn't here? You need to take the time to set up the scene, to paint a picture in the minds of your readers, and you do that with description. The first scene, the one with Scoots and her mom, is one that could take up a couple hundred words alone, but it only takes two scant paragraphs. You never describe what Scoots is thinking or feeling; you tell us that she wets her bed and throws up, yeah, but what about the primal fear she feels when she hears her mother get killed? If you want us to feel emotion, you need to give it to us. Without it we just won't care. Without the emotion and attachment that we get from the descriptions you put into your scenes, all we'll see is another snuff fic without a point to it.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
1857584 Yay! Hatemail!
Thanks for the laugh. It's been a long time since I got an actual review that both amused me, and gave me useful advice.
I live to serve, 1858107.
This reminds me of something.
1858444 I did have that in my mind as I wrote this.
1904459 Sry, I was to lazy to write scootaloo.
that was deep