• Member Since 29th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday

Swan Song


mwap

T

After months of anticipation and fear, the war with Gryphos has finally reached Ponyville, shattering the fragile peace. Scootaloo and the other Crusaders, now separated from their families in the chaos, have holed up in the Golden Oak Library, hoping to ride out the war until it passes.
But they aren't soldiers; they're just kids, with few survival skills to speak of and who barely know how to defend themselves. With bandits and looters roaming the streets and no end to the fighting in sight, the constant struggle to survive becomes desperate as each day demands ever more from the inexperienced fillies and their dwindling supplies.
What will they do when their food runs out? Will the shells ever stop falling? And what deeds will they be forced to commit if it means they can survive just one more day?

Written for the More Most Dangerous Game contest, prompt #5: "In an Equestria devastated by an apocalyptic war, the few that remain try their best to survive or rebuild—however they can."

Also written in a single day, and it shows. You have been warned.

Artwork: "Out of the Ashes, a New Story To Be Told" by Huussii, and "Cutie Mark Crusaders Adventure" by aruurara.

Loosely inspired by the basic concept of "This War of Mine," a simulation game that depicts civilian life in a warzone. It shares no story, character, setting, or plot details, and is thus not a crossover.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 64 )

I am noticing a pattern with your titles.

Alright, then. Let's see how you'll fare this time, Swanny.

5546160 http://store.steampowered.com/app/282070/

Also: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

5546162
Oh, I remember that!
I got it but never got around playing it. Probably because I hate fun.

Alright, finished reading.
I actually haven't read war fics before, so I don't have anything to compare this. But judging it on its own, seems like you could give a good look into the lives of ponies in a war-torn city.
So consider this added to the "Silently Judging as I wait for Updates" list.
:eeyup:

could no longer distinguish the the rumbles of distant thunder

Just thought I'd point this out. I'm sure you won't take it out on me in a future chapter.

Sharp Quill, guard the door.

You know that avatar next to your name, Swanny? See that look on her face? That's the look Imploding Colon is giving you for using his patented use-commentator-names-as-characters-in-story technique.

At least he had me be merely one third of Chrysalis. You have me threatening the Cutie Mark Crusaders!

5546408 Hey, at least you didn't put a hole in a bad mare's brain :P

Soooooo how long after this game of mine does this take place?

Scootaloo wondered if she would ever break from her stupor. It had been a week since the incident, and she hadn’t been the same since.

I'll assume you mean the attack on Ponyville and not the mare who got her brains blown out?

A really addicting story! Love every bit. Despite the wars and bodies XD

“Figures. I don’t think we’ve even gotten more than a

Now I’m wonderin’ if we’ll even get snow with this kinda weather— ow!”

Damn looters, they even took part of the dialogue.


Again, they ate in silence. As Scootaloo slowly emptied the bowl in front of her, the frustration in Scootaloo began to rise, and she felt her body heat up slightly…

Kinda redundant.


I wonder if Scoots can befriend that sniper and get her to watch her back... :rainbowhuh:

Anyway, I've been listening to this while reading the fic, and I think it sets the mood.

Four weeks in.
Scootaloo's First Blood.


You got me hooked long enough that I didn't wonder how ponies can operate guns with hooves until I was done reading the chapter, so well done.

I don't know how to feel about the time jump. It kind of robs you of the actual development of the characters and the other plot points by going from point A straight to point B and not showing you how it got there, though it still manages to avoid dragging the story through every minutiae that happens during the war.

On the other hand, you can always go back and write another chapter for one of the days in-between if you feel like adding something.

:pinkiesmile:

5550765 The contest has a 15,000 word limit.

I did have another scene in mind though. I was thinking of adding one where Sweetie Belle actually confronts Scootaloo about her desensitization to murder.

Hawk is pony, pony is hawk, Ivel not hawk, Ivel fall down cliff and break nose. Now Ivel is reading this instead of working, I think I'm quite happy with how that worked out. :pinkiehappy:

A satisfying conclusion, I must say. It doesn't wrap up everything, but it gives you just enough closure to end the story with a smile.


5550975
Oh, well. It's not as if it's a big detractor from the story, it's just something that stood out to me. The story still is enjoyable as it is.
And nobody says you can't make an addendum at some point down the line...


Now that I'm done with this story, it's time for me to bitch about how much I hate it

Oh, please.
Self-loathing is sooo last year.


5551662
Do you mean that I have to scrap my theory about an alternate timeline in which Sweetie Belle didn't discover an interest in videogames and thus couldn't avoid the equestrian-gryphosi war through videogames and adorableness?

5550975 Unfortunately, you've exceeded that limit by 145 words.

Haven't ready a story this good in a while. Better than Grave of the Fireflies.

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO WRITE IN THIS WORLD, you butt.

Because badass Crusaders + politics + armies + Mane 6 'growing up' are all just ugh yes. Why you do this to me?!

Grade A++!

5556440 Hah. Do it. Lemme know if you wanna bounce ideas back and forth regarding the setting.

5557372 Have we not established I am able to worldbuild but not write? XD

I would, but tbh, I am horrible at the nitty gritty here - I tend to flavor more for epics and short-sweetness. >.>

5557565 No, I don't think we have. But okay, sure, that makes sense.

said Apple Bloom, looking up from underneath the oversized Stetson that adorned her head.

That's not ominous at all... :unsuresweetie:

I'm going to pretend we didn't learn the EoH were in Canterlot. Gotta be ominous, yo

Well then


Them Jury references, though

I'm enjoying the story, but I can't get this nagging feeling out of my head that it is in fact a crossover.

I wish snipers were my friends during This War of Mine.

A friendly griffon? How curious.

Huh. That's a way to get your cutie mark, I guess.

Despite those nagging feelings that this was in fact a crossover, I don't think the tag is warranted. Definitely enjoyed the story, and I look forward to whatever expansions happen post-contest.


5552458
Looks like someone needs to get with the times.

Didn't you know the Fimfic word counter is broken? It counts things like contractions as two words.

5576217 No, I did not know that, but it does explain how chapters I myself post mysteriously gain additional words. Somehow, I never made the connection.

5576258
It's a really weird thing, and it makes contest word limits pretty flexible.

Hap

Brains are so gross. You never forget the smell, or that gritty texture. Guy looks fine, but he ain't movin. Never wash your hands enough. Never enough.

Hap

Well, that was interesting. You did some research, clearly.

The evolution of the crusaders into combat-capable and resourceful survivors was done about as well as anyone could possibly have managed in such a tiny word limit. Bravo.

It seems odd though, how guns just are a part of this universe, unquestioned by any of the crusaders. I mean... Twilight just has a revolver and a box of cigars lying around in the library? I could see her dad having that stuff, but Twilight? I know, word limit and all, but why do guns exist, and why does Twilight have guns and tobacco? Some explanation of why would have been nice. (I'm imagining that Twilight got the gun from her parents as a piece of historical or family interest, and maybe kept the cigars for the inevitable birth announcement from Shining and Cadance?)

I liked the interaction with the Griffons. I feel like there's an awful lot more exploration to do here, and if you turn this into a longer-format story, that's on my wish list.

Overall, I thought this was great.


One year in hell.

This was an awesome story. Will there be a sequel or sidestories?

5581134
I've never actually seen a dead body before, and I dread the day I do. I can barely even comprehend the cognitive dissonance one must feel to be in the presence of a corpse, to know that something so lifeless once talked, laughed, loved, and dreamed.

I feel like this is something we as a society have slowly started to forget, simply because it's painful and overwhelming to consider the staggering implications of death, especially on a large scale. Because of that distance we end up creating, we lose sight of the true cost of war; we simply know that it's this nebulous thing that exists and is bad, yet the scope of that "badness" is beyond what any of us can imagine.

5581402

It seems odd though, how guns just are a part of this universe, unquestioned by any of the crusaders.

In my initial draft, I actually went with swords, polearms, and trebuchet/catapult bombardments. But that introduced a number of problems I couldn't figure out how to work around. Mainly creating the atmosphere (distant reports of gunfire, bomb shells, etc). But also because it was difficult to imagine the Crusaders standing a chance of survival if all they had to work with were melee weapons that they were far too weak to use. Firearms are dangerous and difficult to handle (and I was really pushing it with Sniper Belle™), but they admittedly have a much lower learning curve in comparison.

Of course, having guns introduces a whole new host of problems, like how the hell they're supposed to use them without fingers, but eh. At least they're technical problems, rather than thematic ones. (Also, I totally cheated on the bullet halo thing. Because fuck physics. :pinkiehappy:)

Technologically-speaking, I always imagined Equestria to be undergoing its industrial revolution, so guns would be feasible at the time. My headcanon is that the gryphons pioneered combustible ballistics (as evident by the Gryphosi machine pistol, which I mentally modeled after a Beretta M93r), and Equestria came to adapt it purely out of cultural osmosis, along with an arms race with Gryphos. I'd say, between the two, it's 1990's vs 1950's tech.

As for why Twilight had one, she's a decorated diplomat in my universe, which of course means fancy cigars and (mostly ceremonial) revolvers. Plus, wartime Equestria meant Ponyville had a lightly-armed militia.

I liked the interaction with the Griffons. I feel like there's an awful lot more exploration to do here, and if you turn this into a longer-format story, that's on my wish list.

Most of my ideas for Gryphos came from worldbuilding I did for my other fic, This Game of Mine, which has the two countries locked in a state of cold war. Some of my readership has even speculated that this story takes place in the same universe.

Other fun fact: the Gryphosi are heavily-inspired by the Romans/Italians.

5583993
Yep! There's a lot more stuff to introduce, and I've barely only scratched the surface. A lot of days got skipped.

Hell, I think I'll mark this as incomplete.

5588196
Good thing that I put this on my Favourites list,
wouldn't want to miss the next chapter(s).

Keep me posted and have a nice day.

Weird that Ponyville didn't evacuate its citizens before the Gryphons arrived, given that they've had months (at the very least, weeks) to know it was coming, but maybe Ponyville was surrounded or something?

DAY FIVE:

“Yeah. Her and Dinky. I really hope they survived…”

Seems rather bleak for them only being five days into a siege. I think something like "I really hope they're okay" or "I really hope they're safe" would be better. Surviving in a war zone is not really comparable to actually being relatively unscathed, which is probably what Scootaloo is hoping for.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT:

Several ponies were lying behind pieces of cover, firing potshots at the tree.

Just nitpicking here, but "several" usually implies more than two.

“Gah. It’s just one filly!” one growled. “How can we not hit her!”

“Tiny little thing,” grumbled the other looter. “Hard to hit.”

“Yeah, well we’ll nail her eventually. She’s just got one dinky little revolv—”

The real question is how Applebloom is surviving an extended firefight with only a dozen bullets.

“…Seriously, Apple Bloom?” came a voice to their right, and they turned to Sweetie Belle, sitting up in on the mattress and staring. “They were shooting at you. If Scootaloo had to… kill ponies to protect herself and us, then… then it’s okay.”

Shouldn't Sweetie be suffering even worse from her fever? It's been another whole day without her receiving any medicine and she wasn't looking good the previous day. If she wasn't conscious, it'd also open up some space for Applebloom's condemnation of Scootaloo. As it is, it's resolved too quickly to really have an effect. But I guess that's a word count limit issue.

DAY SIXTY-THREE:

“Dinky, ammo!” shouted Sweetie Belle. “NOW!”

“Got it! Catch!”

A magazine soared through the air and was immediately snatched by a green aura of magic. Sweetie Belle slammed the fresh mag into her rifle.

“Suppressing fire!” she yelled downstairs.

“On it!” Apple Bloom stuck her assault rifle out the window and began firing madly, causing the aggressors to duck behind the makeshift barriers they had set up in the street.

Stone-cold killers only two months since the Battle for Ponyville began. 'Tis the true Fallout: Equestria experience. :rainbowlaugh: I can't help but giggle at the absurdity of the situation, but if Imploding Colon taught me anything, it's that awesome is a viable substitute for sanity.

Tracking, because this story is fun as hell to read.

Hap

5588196

As for why Twilight had one, she's a decorated diplomat in my universe, which of course means fancy cigars and (mostly ceremonial) revolvers.

Was that mentioned and I missed it? I think a couple of sentences earlier on could have made that revelation a bit smoother.

5590638 Nope! I threw it in there 'cause they needed a gun, couldn't figure out how to communicate why Twi had one while the CMC were getting robbed, figured I'd work on an explanation later, then totally forgot.

Umm... Oops. :derpyderp2:

Thanks for the critique though! I'll definitely figure something out once I get back to working on this in earnest.

So you'll be continuing this?

I'm confused. Is the story over? :rainbowhuh:

And yeah, totally need to play that The War of Mine survival game. It looked too depressing for me the first time. But dang if this story didn't get me wanting to try it out. xD

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I thought they were going to be griffons. I'm extremely disappointed that they're ponies, because I can't see pony soldiers treating kids that way.

5797785 They're not soldiers though. They're just other civilians trying to survive. And they're stuck in a warzone, spending every second thinking it might be their last, unable to leave because of the two armies on a rampage just outside their front door, with kids to feed and families to protect, starving because nobody's growing food anymore, sick because emergency services have broken down, and constantly looking over their shoulder in case an unscrupulous character might be preparing to take advantage of any weakness they show.

Desperation and fear can drive perfectly normal people to do some pretty awful things to each other.

Also, gryphons aren't all "evil", at least not exclusively. It only naturally follows that ponies aren't all "good" either.

Oh wow I'm currently writing story like this except the crusaders are soldiers. Left Behind during an attack on Ponyville(And Equestria as a whole) they are forced to fight back by any means necessary or die.

This was pretty good. I look forward to this if you ever plan on revisiting it.:twilightsmile:

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