Nyx Can't seem to sleep, although that's probably due to her Aunt Pinkie Pie promising to shoot her out her party cannon in celebration of her Seventeenth birthday. But Nyx wants something else for her birthday, answers to the question of how exactly her mother came to have a dragon hybrid as a brother, how she made friends with a slightly psycotic party animal who has no respect for the laws of physics, a slightly stuck up but extremely generous and beautiful fashion deigner, a brash but loyal and all around daredevil of a Peagasus, A stuborn as a mule but honest to the core apple farmer, and a socially terrified pegasus who's afraid of heights, can befriend any animal, and has a death stare that would shame Celestia. And of course The all important question of how she became an Alicorn. Luckily for her these things all tie together.
So wait.... NYX as in Past sins or...?
Yes, indeed, the very same. Sorry, I thought I put that in my notes... perhaps it was in my future chapters that I have written out... Oh well. Yes, Nyx is from Past Sins. She isn't mine.
Hey.. I know you!
This caught my eye on the front page, just by chance.
I recognize you as one of my own readers--you're following my "One is Silver" at the moment.
Eeyup. Like I said, I like the stories that do the mane 6 justice, and yours is one of the best I've read so far.
It was a really good attempt, and it shows promise. But your descriptions are choppy, some of the dialogue is unnatural (lack of abbreviations and far to proper of English for casual conversation, even given Twilight's personality.) That being said, some of the dialogue was awkward to read through and took some mental improvising. I like the idea of the story encircling Twilight's daughter, I haven't seen much of that so you were well on that note. The pacing was okay but the overall read was choppy. It would probably be a hell of a story with some proper editing, smooth out the way the story is delivered you know? I strongly recommend taking a look back and revising this chapter a bit. I feel like this could be an amazing story if done right. Keep trying though!
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Well, time to figure out how to use this "Read Later" function.
In the meantime, if I could offer any help? It looks like you know where you're going with this, but your writing still looks a little shaky. My own advice would be to hand-write everything before typing it. It allows you to give yourself a thorough proofread as you type it, and that way you're not only posting a rough draft. The computer interface also seems to inhibit the creative flow--don't ask how, but I've seen it before. It may seem like quite the hassle, but that's the thing about art, really: if it isn't worth it, it isn't worth it.
I'll also give a deeper review and some editing, if you'd like.
The Comments are noted and well accepted in my books R.O.Y and Dante, constructive criticism is one of my favorite parts of being a writer, as for my methods in wirting and words choice though, this is how I normally talk and even when typing I find it a hard habit to break, although I do understand your concern in that matter. But I can also adapt to charater's speech patterns. Growing up where I have you tend to learn to adapt to what's around you. So if it's in character rest assured it will be fit to a key. But, as for my grammatical errors, I tend type really fast when I get into stories and they tend to get lengthy as well as the, let's see... 10,000... 9,000... and 15,000, word chapter's I've already written ahead of this will prove. So reading them over again is tedious to say the least. So if ou happen to catch something that is within my capabilities of correcting I would love it if you make it known. But I can say without a doubt that if these first two parts aren't pleasing that the next few will be, I think they fit the criteria you stated before R.O.Y.
Damnit I'm in tears because of this
meh.
I recommend getting an editor or some such because to be fairly honest I had trouble reading that wall of text.
Good read either way, going in my read later tab.
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There is definitely a problem with writing how you speak. It can seem natural, but it often leads to sloppy structure and choppy flow. Take your time with it (and as I said before, hand-write it first!). I for one definitely don't write like how I speak. Writing is fairly easy for me--it's speaking that's labored.
The dialogue seems fine as far as it seems in-character, but try finding ways to pace it more smoothly. Try breaking the quotes with outside-of-dialogue text instead of all of the ellipses (...).
I'm actually impressed to see an attempt at descriptive writing, moreover that it doesn't disappear once the dialogue starts, but it's still pretty choppy as is and doesn't really flow well.
I would have to say you should think about breaking the write-as-how-you-speak habit, and try focusing more on how it flows.
And above all, hand-write it first. I simply cannot stress enough how much this helps. You'd be surprised, really.
"DAMN YOU TROLESTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I literally died from overexposure to comedy XD
I ABOSOLUTEY LOVE YOUR STORY IT IS AMAZING HAHAHA SSSSPPPPPAAAACCCCCEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
@ derpy fan SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Spike: "Stunning display of muscle..."
"There's nothing there!"
Me:
Spike:
(Joke) Alt. Title: How I Met Your History Of Twilight And Friends
You comment deleter, you.
Eek.
Well, if you don't hear it from me, it'll be someone else: Pace the writing! I get the sense that this was all very, very vivid in your head, but take care with the actual words here. Once again, handwriting helps with this. For whatever reason, the pace just falls right out of it when you go right to typing first. Something about how unnatural the interface is, probably.
On another note, feel free to use my "Seraphim" and "Starcrest" terms for your humans if you'd like. Or find any you'd like more. "Pegasus" and "Unicorn" might not be fitting for humans.
I know I'm one to talk (albeit for the opposite reason), but please, an editor is in dire need here!
Best of luck, anyway.
Why does only one person here know how to reply?
2076928 Reply what is this madness thou speaketh of?
This is an AWESOME chapter
The lol's are many right now.
How different. yet interesting.
Damn that was a long read. This story is awesome.
Pinkie... forever breaking the fourth wall
This story is astounding. Keep it up.
Eek, look out!
You're still getting hit with downs.
Better give those earlier chapters a brush-up before you fall back into the negatives!
I'll do what I can to help you edit, but if you could PM me your email so I can get it back to you?
(Also, to reply to comments you hover over it until you see a button with a speech bubble.)
Ah, sorry, sometimes I do forget to reply, Pinkie is infact going to be my main fourth wall breaker. Twilight and Nyx may break it a few times as well though. Actually I think at this rate Pinkie shattered the fourth wall.
2120056 On it Dante.
So many interesting characters.
Wonderous.
Luna + Spike = Shitstorm is coming.
Hehe, If you think THAT shit storm is bad just wait until I post the latest chapter...
That was a good read keep up the great work.
Ivy likes to do shippings or only she stay looking for them?
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24915332.jpg
What?!
All is perfect. It is sinonimy of felicity.
Are you going to launch a shitstorm on all?! Why???!!!
However, Pinky is Pinky. And this is the best thing, no?
2166036 Nah, Ivy's just been determined to get them together for a while. But you'll see where she's coming from on that later, perhaps in a special.
Definitely cheesy cliff hanger.
roflmao
Hey, maybe you'd like to slow down until editing can catch up some?
I'm doing what I can, but I encourage you not to post until each chapter has had a polishing, or at least until we can get that first chapter all taken care of (as that one will lose you the most viewers and likes) so as to have some refinement up here. It's really not a race. Take your time with it. I, for one, am waiting to get my current chapters of Silver edited by this guy, Horizon (who is incredible, by the way), before I upload any more to be seen by the public eye. I think you should do the same. Try going on a "down for repairs" period instead of submitting them before they've cooled on the rack.
Hmmm, I could use time to catch up in the writing process. And this month does pose many a distraction for me, in between my own birthday, seven others, spring break, and school... I suppose I could take a small break to let you play catch up in the editing terms. Oh, and everyone, meet my new editor Dante.
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Oh, yeah, so as it turns out I'm going to have very limited time to edit this. I just got a wonderful offer to have my own story edited and published, but it comes with a six-month deadline to have the whole thing done. So, I'm trying to rush through that, but if you can sit tight until then, I'd be happy to return to this story.
2252356 That's fine. I'm actually experiencing a set of technical difficulties myself so it works out quite nicely to take a break.
Is this based off of Pen Stroke's work? If so, you really have to state that, copyrights and all that....
2265637 It is only in the sense the Nyx is Twilights daughter. And I do state it, very many a time in future chapters.
yay shower time!
So, if you're still trying to put in the edited version an idea hit me the other day. I didn't personally like how the hatching scene in the first chapter digressed into mentioning how Fluttershy later turned into a potted plant, but if you'd like to keep it, I'd say you format it so it looks like Nyx, in freeze-frame, is interrupting Twilight to make the connection herself. It would bring more to the effect that Twilight is recounting a tale.
[Edit: Try breaking the text with horizontal bars. Put "hr" into brackets. Should look like this:]
But I like the nyx stories
Nyx will be staying, no worries there, the only Change that I'm making is that now in the future Twilight is an Alicorn instead of just a unicorn. Everything else is the same, But that also means I have to back through each chapter and change the parts that say she's a unicorn. Also the prolouge will be altered to fit the change as well.