When Soarin' is extremely sad about something he gets unexpected help. Comment for a sequel.
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awesomekik
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I know... Its bad...Its my first. I'm not a storywriter. Please give constructive criticism. FIRST COMMENT!!!
It's not bad per-say, it's just very rushed.
Romance stories have to have some form of conflict, whether it be co potion, or an unrequited love.
You need to describe feelings, actions. Give us a reason to fall in love with the couple.
Hope this helped!
132190 It really did help. Thanks. Ill try to do that in a couple other stories.
132247 just so you know, rushing is a problem every writer encounters when they first start. but my philosophy is, every writer is the next tolkein. they just need to convince themselves so. just because it doesnt come out as you hoped does not mean you should think yourself terrible. keep on writing
- Imagewicked
Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, except, "famousness" isn't a word *Shrugpony.jpg* It's fame. But I think you've got somthing going here so keep it up!
The writing's not all that bad, but the plot's a bit flawed. It kind of feels like the romance was rushed.
Ether way, 3.5/5
132407 Like I said in a previous comment, I'm not a storywriter. A nice person offered some lessons so I wont post a sequel until I can learn to write fanfics better.
You want some advice? Here it is: SPELL IT OUT.
You spent at least three paragrahs summarizing what has already happened about tresspassing and helping and feeling, but you don't actually describe what did happen. I agree with the others that this story feels rushed. You need to slow down and take the time to actually write what you want to say.
This will make your stories much bigger to write, but it's much more satisfying for both you and your audience.
i agree with the general consensus, make it longer and make their relationship more meaningful. Conflict works: nervousness, slow build up, grave injury, something like that. I'd like to see a sequel and perhaps a more improved version of this one as well.
Peace Out.
I guess all of yous are right... I feel like... Like...
Sorry to say but this sounds like a fic i had read on Fanfiction titled Pie & Pegasi. Its almost a replica of the first chapter with a good chunk of detail missing aside from the main key parts.
135043
Oh dear, I hate to do this.
You have several instances where you use un-pony terms.
Romance was a bit rushed, one of my problems with my new fic. I fixed it because I didn't have either really admit anything that required "Immediate action or nothing" and therefore could turn the ship around. In a first chapter, you want to leave a lot of things open to questioning as adding on to it will make it more complete and having near absolute freedom is kinda nice when writing a story.
Some things I noticed that were wrong: Soarin is his name- not an abbreviation or a shortened version. It is usually not spelled Soarin'. Do what you want about this, though, it's your fic.
In conclusion, it was a great start. Try writing a chapter over and over again and see what you did right and wrong in the various versions. My "First Fic" was not my first story to be submitted for judging- try doing some short stories in your free time and giving them to friends so they can read over and critique you. Sometimes, (and by that I mean always,) the internet is a harsh judge.
149195 Well... I'm afraid you'll have to
kyon.pl/static/img/remiq.net_16970.jpg
You know, I have to be honest. It reminds me a lot of my own story, Belief.
That said, like the others have pointed out, it feels a bit rushed. It wouldn't have hurt to show Spitfire and Soarin' meet for the first time, you know?
I think you could improve this story like you could go more in depth, in a lot of thing like for example:
how they met like what happened
why does soarin believe in true love? a little back round story about that part in his character is something you expand on in this story as well as add conflict in one way or another. (only if want to though)
why did spitfire think soarin would take advantage of her? (this is something you could dedicate the next chapter to, if you want that is) a back story to the source to that type of logic would interest not only me but other people as well.
I think that if you explain why soarin and spitfire were afraid of telling each other how they felt with flashbacks then you will make your story better without having to redo this first chapter.
137952 Don't worry, it's not. I've read the fic myself. As for the fic itself, as others mentioned it needs polish, but then again so does every piece of writing ever conceived. A bit of clean up will help out alot. I'd suggest doing some one shots like this to help practice as well as get the creative juices flowing.....ew.
I'm probably going to scrap this.
153909 If I did that I wrought be able to write anything that isn't straight up paraphrasing Belief, because that was the first GOOD clopfic I've ever red.
If'n your looking for better, I'veread and red and read, and I think I'm gonna write.
Just reread... Belief summed up terribly in a couple hundred words. Terrible...