Proud believer in Germany and german beer
Vinyl Scratch brought to Earth. There she meets Max Müller, a german computer science student. Both of them trying to figure out, how to deal with the situations and how to get Vinyl back to Equestria.
This is my first time writing anything creative, so please consider this as you read the story. I am trying to write something unique, by trying to avoid anything, that is common for an random pony on Earth.
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Good start for someone who is not a native speaker of English.
I wish i could recommend somepony to help edit tho. I have my hooves full with my pony tales unfortunately.
Congratulations on your first story! It's a big step.
You're very brave to write in a foreign language. I've been speaking English for 30+ years and it's still tricky sometimes!
Here's a few things that stood out that should be simple to improve:
* English style for quotations is to use matched pairs of top quotes. "This is how it usually looks," Horizon said.
* The article "an" is used in front of a vowel sound and the article "a" is used in front of a consonant sound. Otherwise they are the same thing. So you would say "a pony" (pony begins with P), "a schedule", "a coma", etc. None of those use "an." (Here's a really tricky one: you also say "a unicorn" because the sound of the U is like the consonant Y.)
* English does not use a comma to separate a verb from its subject. When to use commas is complex, but the basic idea is that commas separate different ideas. So, for example:
> Now realizing, that he blackouted again, Max tries to make out, wether he made it home or if he was at a friend‘s place.
Now realizing that he blacked out again, Max tries to make out whether he made it home or if he was at a friend's place.
"Realizing" depends on the thing he realized, so take out the comma. The thing that he "tries to make out" is where he is, so take out that comma. But Max is performing two different actions in this sentence (realizing something, and examining something), so keep the comma between them.
Anyway — I like the implication that both Vinyl and Max were drunk. You're setting up a not totally friendly relationship between a human and a pony who both have no idea what's happening — that can go a lot of interesting places. This was my favorite line of the whole chapter:
Best wishes with your writing!
Horizon
1820243
An editor would be nice. But as a beginner there is no need for one the moment.
1820746
I'm really grateful for your advice. It's nice to have the first two comments to be such nice people, since we are on the Internet and there are all lot of assh...., even in the Ponycommunity.
And to both of you:
English is not a foreign language to me. I'm born in Australia and lived there for 6 years. Even though they were while I was a child.
The big problem is, that german grammar and english grammar is nearly the same. Except in some really annoying cases, like the comma problem.
I just have to get used to writing english again and it will get better.
So again, thanks for the support.
1820941
Ahhh ok, so you are merely stuck combining both and a bit rusty at it too.
At least I have not offended you.
Good luck with whipping this into shape and continuing then.
A fellow German brony!
Exzellent. I am not that fluent in German but I am born 65% German, rest is just American.
1822599
FÜR CELESTIA!!!!!!!!
Ja, ein weitere Deutscher. Nun sollen die deutschen Bronys steigen UND DIE WELT ÜBERNEHMEN!!!
No problem with the no fluent thing, the only reason I'm fluent in both is, I live in Germany, so school forces to take three languages, which two of are german and english.
I'm about the same as you, but a australian instead of american.
I hope you liked the story so far.
Ja, habe ich. Erstaunliche arbeit.
Yea, suck it, ya sheissekopf Mayans!
Well ain't the best story so far, but I have seen far worse so have a thumbs up for that.
By the way I wanna see where you gonna take it... so please go on...!
Gruß aus Bayern, the federal state of good beer
1953526
As long as I can entertain you with my stories, I'm happy.
Though don't get your hopes up, The next chapter is going to take a while. Just can't write it at the moment and I got more ideas and have more fun writing my other story.
P.S.: Bayrisches Bier ist gut, aber Schwäbisches ist besser.
Nice story
!!! Although you might want to edit it a bit, it's also good on its own
.
2493063 Thanks and where should it be edited?
2494344 A bit on both chapters.
2495327 Sorry, I meant which part specifically?
2495365 The grammar. and format.
DONT KILL M E PLEASE
2496659 Uhm, if you read the Author's Note, I did say, that I want some productive criticism.
So thank you. I need to check the chapters again sometime.
2496675 Oh. Ok