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It's a bit different, you could've put a bit more care in character development. Also, grammar check is a lovely thing. There is the problem of your use of this: (I need another way to explain what's going on instead of tying it in to whatever is going on) my point is that these make the writing look a got sloppy and poorly done, it really depends on how you use them. Granted this is only my personal opinion...
All in all it was a good read and I can't wait for more, just try to be a little more precise in certain aspects.
1807334 Thanks
. I will be adding more character development in later chapters. I purposely didnt add much in this chapter (which now that I think about it may not have been the best idea). I really need an editor too. I hate to say this too but dont get to exited. This is my first story and im just using it to hone my skills but I will try my best to keep it entertaining and exiting!
1807646 I could help with editing, that is... If you want
1828517 Ya sure ill send u a PM
Interesting when's the next chapter
1878642 I have no clue. Hopefully January or early February. Ill try to get it out asap.
1836163 whenever you're ready
For the death scene you could've used something like
1885120
... wow. Good to know I have a kick ass editor
1892833 why thank you
So yea... Have anyone ever said how "War, war never changes" don´t work in Fo:E or pony fiction in general? And you even hit the head on the nail on why it doesn't work.
You state out right that it was once a fictive thing, yet now is it real, how is that not a change? It work in the Fo games because it is build on our world, a world that haven´t really changed so much again if you look at it, only instead of hitting each other in the head with sticks do we now push a button and send missiles after them.
You do actually contradict yourself again in the sentence right after the next one I just pointed out:
End and then again not the end... It would be like writing that the moon was blue... but really wasn´t, it does not make much sense as such.
Beside that do you either need a really really really good editor, or some writing classes, because sorry to say it, this was not good or easy to read. There where parentheses that should not be there, many missing commas, and a whole lot of telling instead of showing. I know that this is your first story that you make, but that does still not make it better. I would say at least start up with reading the writing guide here on this site, and maybe search for some on the web. Because you need them if you want a story that should live in Fo:E.
Nitpicks
"Even in this horrid world the great Equestria had become were cruel actions took place ever minute" It is where not were
"How do you tell a foal that you kill people in a way with out telling her you actually kill people" Without is one word.
"I decided to help the Father of the family put up the pathetic excuses we had for tents" Father should not be capitalized the way that you use it, it is after all not a name.
"now with out anything in his mouth. "Without is one word
"guessing the time was usually based on how bright it is or was." The last part of this sentence could use some reworking.
"Those mines do the trick?” Should be a past tense did here as you have written the sentence, and before mines instead of after.
"She shook her head yes." What is the yes doing here?
2509883 Thanks for the feedback.
Few people take the time or even think of giving feedback like that. I understand the first chapter was pretty bad. I wrote it more as a "test the waters" type thing to see my skills at writing before I had even decided if I was going to go through with writing a story.
I was on the fence about editing and redoing chapter one but with the feedback you gave me I think I will. At the time I had no editor but luckily I have one now.
I do have to disagree with your war never changes idea though. Its not so much about before the war its about how people in the wasteland still fight over the same thing, resources.
But thats just my opinion.
Thank you for the feedback.
2513800
The war was made as a war for resources for making luxuries and all in all a easier life for all in the world. Where the war in the wasteland is one for survival.
The ponies before the bomb could have said "no" and stopped the war that was coming, it is hard for a hungry foal to say no to the war it is to survive in the wasteland.
It is true that it is the same resource in a way, bullets, food and medicine that the ponies, zebras and what not fight for, but what those resources means, the stakes and the ways to gain them have changed a whole lot.
But that is my view on it, but I do also have a story that runs rather heavily on that viewpoint that war is something new and weird
..the editor notes are also on here..
3669559 Grumble.... google doc importation glitchs....
3669642 Glitches*