Tales of the Equestrian Mock War

by Sebbaa

Chapter 5: Just deal with it!

Chapter 5: Just deal with it!
The griffon descended on me his axe bringing death from above. He had his wings spread wide and small turbulences at their tips made his feathers quiver in the air-stream. He was only lightly armoured, wearing some padded west with dark iron rings fastened on it. He used his tail to balance himself in mid-air, spinning it counter clockwise to adjust his momentum. He was smiling a grim smile, I don’t know how you can smile with a beak, but I could definitely see his teeth. I think a beak with teeth is a strange thing. Do birds have teeth? I would google that when I got back to earth.
I stretched my neck as far as I could. My claymore was lying nearby. It had landed in a pile of brown leaves and twigs and was covered in mud; a line of spit was running from the handle. It didn’t look appetizing at all, but there was not time to be picky. It was nearly out of my reach and my teeth could only close around its pummel. I yanked my head back, ignoring the stinging pain in my side. As I swung around I knew that I was to slow. My eyes widened as I saw the double bladed head of his axe descent onto my face.
A pink and blue blur smashed into the griffon and tackled him into a bush, after a short struggle it vanished in a flash. I heard loud shouting, shrill laughter and the clopping of hooves as blue lance emerged from the woods behind me and madly dashed to engage the other griffons that had pursuit Panzer lance. They sure knew how to make an entrance.

Blue lance was made up of bronies and ponies of Celtic decadence, or Irish, or Scots, or maybe north berserkers, maybe they were just plain mad. They galloped into battle stark naked, their bodies covered with ornamented blue war paint. They yelled and laughed as they cut down their enemies and were cut down themselves. Imagine Pinkie Pie crossed with a Viking berserker, on drugs, and you got blue lance. I loved them to bits!
Mad Dash, the captain of blue lance stopped by my side when she came out of the bush to follow her troops. Mad was a pink earth pony with a bright orange mane that stood in every direction. Her cutie mark was two axes on a pile of sculls. One half of her face was covered in blue paint and I think someone wrote “get a piece of dat!” on her flank. It would have been hard to take her seriously, if she had not held an absurdly big battle axe with a blade on either end in her muzzle. She put it on the floor as she saw me.
“You OK Shield Wall? You don’t look so swell.” She asked, her mad smile replaced with a frown, concern in her voice.
I staggered to my hooves clenching my teeth against the pain.
“I’m OK.” I pressed out. “Don’t let me keep you from having fun!” I put on a fake smile.
“If you say so…” she replied reluctantly and picked up her axe. “Later then!” she mumbled and dashed off into the dark woods, howling and screaming.
With her voice fading in the distance, so did the adrenaline fade from my system. My coat was drenched with sweat, my breath came with a sickening rattle and I was shaking violently. I bowed over to throw up, but nothing would come.
“Horse apples!” I cursed and spat out. I had gone way past my limits and I knew it. I leaned against a tree with my good side and tried to stop my head from spinning.
It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes I stood there before the rest of my lance arrived, but it had felt like hours. Despite my condition I had to smile in relive when they came through the undergrowth and gathered around me.
“You alright mate?” asked Apple Tree, formerly known as Richard and put a hoof on my shoulder.
He had gotten his name when we first came into the forest. He led us through hidden paths I didn’t even see and hid our camp so well we nearly missed it any time we came back. Turned out that his special talent was bush craft, he didn’t have to wait long till he got a cutie mark showing a bonfire. We were still betting on how Bigmac would react when he found out his family had grown another member. I had two bottles of beer on: “Aye-up?!” with a raised eyebrow.
“I think I have broken some ribs.” I replied, my voice strained by pain and exhaustion.
He looked at me for a long moment, his face solemn.
“Shall I send you home? I mean, if you can’t bear the pain.” He finally offered and went for his sword.
“Don’t be silly!” I snapped and pushed him away. Sure, it would have been the smart thing to do, but I get kinda stupid when I have put my mind onto something.
“I’m an big pony, I can take it!” I said with false bravado as I stood up from the tree and limbed into the group of my lance. They all looked at me with concern, yet were expecting me to give them some orders. I looked at each of them, holding a bit longer on Red Herring who was humming a funny melody and lolly gagging the trees.
“We are not out of the woods yet. We still need to deliver the package the HQ.
Spell Savvy, cast a healing spell on my leg and see if you can do anything for my ribs. Do we have healing potions in the camp?”
She nodded quickly. “Yes sir, but we never had to use them for any real wounds. I am not sure if they will work.” she said and began casting her spell. My leg tickled like it had fallen asleep when the feeling returned to my limb.
“Alright, we will have to find out. Apple Tree, lead us back too camp. Panzer lance, from a single row, no chit chat, we are moving up!”

To my relive the healing potions actually worked. Not as good as I would have hoped mind you, but they managed to ease the pain and breathing came much easier. I figured I would have to take it easy for some time though, until my bones were all healed up.
In the morning we were extracted by several sky chariots and flown back to the stronghold under the cover of thick fog.
Back in base camp we were welcomed as heroes. With the rescue of our princess we could restore a thousand of our ponies to the battle zone. The returning troops were eager for a second chance to kick some griffon flank. Many of them came by our tents to promise us to vanquish a dozen or more enemies in our honour.
Panzer lance was reinforced with fresh members and returned to the woods under Apple Trees command. I remained in Headquarters on sick leave till the potions managed to heal up my ribs, so I had a few days to waste. I decided to start by brewing up some more mead.

The first time I had tried my luck at making mead in Equestria was back in training. I figured it would raise the morale. Half of our troops were unpaid volunteers from another world after all. That was when I learned about earth pony magic.
Making mead is as easy as making cupcakes. Just mix honey with water, add some yeast, maybe spit in it and let it stand till it is all fermented.
I put on two barrels each with a different kind of mead. In one barrel I made some medium strong brew about a third part of honey and quarter part of apple juice. That one would be great to drink over one’s thirst. The other was made up of half honey and half water. That would become really strong, thick and sweet liquor. I called it: “Becherknechts Schädelspalter.” Which literally means drunkards skull crusher.
Now I know from Earth experience that it takes about one or two month for the mead to be fully fermented, but not so in Equestria! Because it was me, an earth pony, who began the fermentation, it was ready to be drunk in just two days. And it was fantastic! Best night of all boot camp when I rolled out those two barrels! After that I asked around how that had worked and eventually found some pony who could explain it to me.

So this time, on my sick leave I got some of the cooks to help me and set up two hundred barrels of mead, again half of it Schädelspalter. I planned on rolling the good stuff out on our victory feast after we defeated the griffons. The tides of battle could have turned either way at that point, but sometimes I am incurably optimistic.

Sick leave wasn’t so bad. I missed to be part of the action and the company of my lance mates, but it gave me opportunity to speak to Art of War and Luna so I got a good picture about what was going on and could offer my opinion on further operations. But best of it all was when on my second day in the afternoon one of the generals approached me while I was in the mess.
“Shield Wall, You have a moment?” she asked and I looked up to see into the funny eyes of general Ditzy Doo.
“Of course general, what do you need?” I answered.
“Walk with me if you will.” She said and beckoned me to follow her. I got up and we started to walk from the camp.
We were climbing a small hill overlooking the camp, when I noticed that the general was not in her armour. That detail occurred to me when I was walking behind her, my eyes involuntary drawn to her haunches. Her tail swayed in a sensual way, never quite showing anything, yet enough to make my mind wander. I could feel my face flush.
Now let me make this clear: Back on earth ponies didn't to anything for me, sensually. Clopfics only managed to amuse me, the finest drawn pony porn only made me giggle. So My Little Pony remained my one innocent pleasure, my newly made childhood memory, still untainted by rule 34.
But you might have noticed that this was not the case in Equestria and right there on our way up the hill I found myself fantasising about getting my muzzle on that slim, firm, grey haunches.
“You see anything you like soldier?” the generals voice yanked me out of my fantasy. I looked up to see her looking over her shoulder, a mischievous smirk on her lips. I though: What the hay? Had she planned on this? What’s going on? Why do my ears feel so hot?
I shook my head to clear my thoughts an trotted on to walk beside her.
“Just watching your back general.” I said guileless.
“So I noticed.” she replied with a suggestive look. I found myself blushing all the way to my ears again. What was wrong with me? How could that have come out so wrong? Why was I acting like a teenage colt?
“Eh, I mean, eh, like covering, no I mean, you know, so no griffons can sneak up on your... oh never mind, I am being stupid!” I exclaimed frustrated and bashful. It made her giggle happily.
“Don't sweat it Shield Wall. I kinda set you up on this one. Oh, and please call me Ditzy. We are not on duty after all.”
“We are not?” I asked confused. She just giggled again and trotted ahead.
“Guess we are not.” I said to myself and tried to catch up, but my ribs still kept me from any quick motions.
“Oi Ditzy! Wait up, don't leave your wounded behind!” I called after her. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me. Her laughter had been replaced by a apologetic cringe, her head lowered slightly, her ears pointing down.
“Oh sorry, I kinda forgot that.” she said when I caught up with her. It made me regret my own words. Way to go and kill the mood Shield Wall!
“Ah, don't be.” I exclaimed and waved it off with my hoof.
“Totally my fault. I make it look easy to gallop with broken rips.” I gave her my best smile. My played bravado managed to make her smile a little too. We walked on side by side, approaching a small orchard at the top of the hill.
“I heard you go hurt while saving the princess.” Ditzy stated, picking up conversation again. I just nodded.
“Why?” she asked, but I only gave her a puzzled look.
“Why do you risk so much for this game? Why do you fight so hard? This is not your war!” she inquired staring at me in distraught.
I shrugged. “To be honest, I haven’t given that a thought.” I admitted, stopped and scratched my beard, giving it a hard thought then and there.
“I think the moment I took up arms to stay beside you Equestrians, I made this my war. And I really want to win this! Even if this is just a game, I don't mind getting a little hurt if it means we come out victorious. That's part of the sport if you ask me.” I explained. Dizzy looked at me her eyes shining. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when I had finished. She giggled a little and walked on, I quickly went to walk beside her.
“What was that for?” I asked, blushing like a foal again and not a little confused.
“That's for caring about our Mock War.” she replied with a smirk.
“Oh?” I muttered and raised my eyebrows, but she just laughed happily.
I cleared my throat and continued with conversation.
“So why are you here? You don't seem to be the fighting type to me.” I inquired, “no offence.”
“None taken,” she replied smiling, then went thoughtful for a few seconds. Have you ever seen Ditzy Doo deep in thought? Her face all serious, her eyes still spinning all over the place. So adorable!
“You know, it's kind of a paid vacation for me.” she finally said.
“I sometimes get very tired of my everyday live. Stressed out by my job, stressed with my children, fed up of everypony thinking me a klutz.” she shook her head.
“Now don't get me wrong. I love my little fillies and I like my job, but sometimes I just have to get away from it all, take a break you know?”
I nodded understanding. I could relate, don't we all need a break from our own lives then and again? Even if everything is great? I think of it like eating your favourite dish every day. Sure it is your favourite dish, but someday you might find yourself wishing for something different, something to spice up your mealtime if only just for a days.
“So why the Mock War?” I asked.
“Oh it's just great!” the grey mare started beaming.
“When I take up my uniform I become general Doo. No longer the clumsy mail mare, but a person of respect, the fastest blade in all of Equestria! My troops salute me and the enemies cower in fear of my name. And then there is the fighting! All the dashing and slashing, dancing on the edge where every mistake can mean your defeat. It always makes me feel so alive. Oh and the feast at the end of the war. Not forget the feast! Best party in all of Equestria!” her explanation was vivid, her eyes shone at the happy memories she had made, she made swashing motions with her head when she told about the fighting, looking all fierce, she started to bounce like the Pinkie Pie when she told me about the party. It was a sight to behold. I couldn't help but smile myself.
“What?” she asked with a raised eyebrow when she caught me just looking at her in happy content.
I shook my head and chuckled when I noticed myself staring.
“Oh sorry, it's just nice to see you talk so passionate about it. You know, I can totally relate.”
One of the great things about larp is that you can just stop being what everyone thinks you to be and take up a different role for a few days. And I think I already wrote about fighting and partying.
We had reached the top of the hill, when I spotted a small patch of flowers along our way. Without thinking about it I went over and picked one of the Marguerites with my teeth and offered it to Dizzy. She hesitated and blushed a little, but then took the flower from my mouth and ate it. Our lips met briefly, the feeling made shivers run down my spine and my eyes shot wide in wonder. I swear that was not what I had in mind! It thought along the lines of: Boy gives Girl a flower, she thanks him and puts it in her hair, or something.
But of course in Equestria, when you don't have hands, my gesture came out totally different.
She just chewed and giggled amused when she saw me blushing to my ears again. I should have done that in front of a mirror one time, must have looked incredibly funny.

We arrived at the orchard and sat down in the shadow of a tree side by side, our flanks touching. I made sure not to have her sit on my bad side with the broken ribs.
For a few moments we just sat there and watched the business back at camp. Ponies walking about, pegasi flying overhead. Some lances drilling in the training yard.
Then I noticed a tasty looking bushel of grass near me. I stretched my neck and tore it from the ground with my teeth. As I sat straight up again, I began chewing on the green leaves. It tasted surprisingly good, it was fresh and juicy.
Ditzy burst out in laughter as she saw me chewing. I gave her an annoyed frown.
“What?” I asked my mouth full. “So you can eat a flower, but when I chew on bushel of grass it is funny?” She stopped for a second, trying to hold it back, looked at my angry face, saw part of the bushel hanging out of my muzzle. She shook, chuckled, put a hoof over her mouth. I raised an eyebrow and she broke out again. I just shook my head and had to chuckle myself. Oh silly ponies, how am I ever to understand your equine customs?

We spend the rest of the day together, just sharing our company. We talked about friends and family, shared anecdotes form the Mock War (or in my case some larps) and generally had a great time. When night fell I became very tired. I would have liked to stay up a bit longer and watch the stars, but mending bones back together took a toll me, I fell asleep were we sat and Ditzy had to wake me up so we could go back to camp. She walked me to my tent.
“Thank you Ditzy. That had been a wonderful day. I had a really good time.” I told her as I turned to her at the flaps of my tent to say goodbye.
She smiled at me warmly.
“Your welcome. I had lot of fun myself!”
There was silence for a moment, as our eyes met. For the first time since I knew her, her pupils stopped spinning and focused on one thing. This thing being myself.
I have learned that you sometimes have to take a leap of faith if you want to get anywhere.
I leaned forward and kissed her gently. Our tongues met briefly, still unsure about the strange new sensation. We held the kiss for a moment, she tasted of storm clouds and strawberries. I apologize if that doesn't make any sense, but sometimes words just don't suffice to describe.
When we separated she blushed slightly and I smiled at her content.
“Good night then.” I said softly and wanted to return to my tent.
But I had not considered the best blade of Equestria in my plans.
Soon as I broke eye contact and turned my head, she jumped me, flung her arm around my neck and drew me into a deep, passionate kiss. My mind went blank, I lost the feeling of time as I drowned in a world of Doo.
Dizzy grinned happily, her eyes half closed when she finally let go of me and looked at my stupid face.
“Night!” she said and took off into the starry sky.
I looked after her for a long moment until she vanished in the darkness.
“Pegasi mares are sure something else.” I murmured to myself, then went into my tent. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the grey mare till my exhaustion caught up with me and I fell asleep. I dreamed of flying through a grey stormy sky, chasing a cloud of bubbles.

Three days later I was standing on a wide hill near the enemy stronghold. It was still early in the morning and a thick fog covered our ranks.
I rolled my shoulders to shift the weight of my armour around a little. I was wearing full plate and chain that day and I would very well need it. I turned around to get a glance at my troops. One hundred steel clad ponies were standing in battle formations behind me. Some were nervously prancing on their hooves, eager to charge into battle. My chest swell in pride and a smile crept on my lips. These soldiers had been to jelly hell and back and yet here they stood ready to live and fight another day. I trusted each of them with my hide and I had to suppress tears from watering my eyes so moved was I by the thought that they all trusted me with theirs, trusted me to lead them to victory. I could have laughed and danced myself, but I suppressed any silly antics to set an example for the troops.
I turned around again and tried to make out the enemy stronghold through the fog. We were waiting for a signal, and soon, very soon it would come.

The preparations for this battle had been done in just two days. With the returned of one thousand troops our strength now nearly matched that of the griffons. But what really set us into motion was a report from our intelligence that told about a potential enemy weakness. As the reports suggested the griffons had overcommitted themselves on the siege of our first outpost and their remaining troops were spread thin to react to our constant harassment. If our scouts were right, they had drawn out almost all of their troops from their stronghold, leaving only a few thousand to defend its walls.
“If we can move up our army hidden and fast, they will not have enough time to draw back their troops to defend the stronghold. We conquer the stronghold and by the rules of the game we win the war, simple as that!” Art of War had explained his plan to the Princess and me.
It was a risky gamble however. If we were discovered on the march, the griffons could meet us in the open field. If we were too slow they could attack us from behind while we were laying siege to their castle. If they would attack our own stronghold while we were in the field, they could very well take it themselves. But me and Luna agreed that the reward was very well worth the risk. And as in love, so in war; you can't win if you are afraid to take any chances.
So we set the plan into motion fast as we could. After the success of my rescue mission, I had been promoted to colonel and been given ten lances to lead into battle. Among them were Panzer lance as my personal guard and blue lance for lolz.
We quickly withdrew half of our air force form the eastern flank, while having the remaining troops fight twice as hard as to not alert the enemies of our movements. We force marched our troops through the thick of the western woods at night, around the western river fort and through our hidden crossing, collecting any hidden lances as we went by. We took cover among trees and bad weather at day.
Finally we advanced all of our strength to the enemy stronghold in the cover of night and fog.
Advancing this fast had meant to leave any siege equipment behind. We had no rams, not trebuchets and no ladders to gain the wall. However, we had a plan.

And now we were waiting for this plan to bear fruits. They came in form of a signal flare that was fired from the gatehouse, followed by the aching of metal and wood, when an enormous castle door was opened. Shadow lance, or the Pirateninjasponies as I called them had successfully infiltrated the enemy castle. Those lucky daredevils!

I shot a glance to general Bigmac, giving him a cocky smile. We had a bet going on on whoever raised his flag on the enemies keep first. The looser would have to offer himself as company, or how I worded it “personal slave” to the great and powerful Trixie on the day of the victory feast. Yes, I know that it a very stupid bet and there was no guarantee that it would be either one of us to raise the flag or if Trixie would even take the looser. Obviously we had been drunk when we made that bet. But we were both to proud to step down from it and neither of us was eager too loose this one.
If Bigmac had any concern for the outcome of this bet, he didn't show it. He drew his war-hammer and raised his voice.
“All ponies attack! For Equestria!” he reared on his hind legs and set of in a daring gallop.
His battle-cry was answered by five thousand throats.
“FOR EQUESTRIA!”
We followed his example and charged down the hill. The ground was shaking under our hooves as we dashed into battle. The fog was dissipated by wind made by a thousand wings as our air force went overhead. I got a quick glance at Dizzy, her armour shining in the morning sun, before they clashed with the griffons in the sky.
Bigmac and the main force made haste for the gate where they crashed though the handful of defenders that had dared to stand in the entrance. But as more and more griffons joined the fray, our advance was halt in the first courtyard.
I and my troops however made our way for the eastern wall. This was not part of Art of War's plan. This was my own, the move that would hopefully win me this bet. Not even the generals new about it, for I had kept it among my men so command would not hold me back.
“Airborne lance, to the walls, make the robes ready! Flash lance cover our advance! Blue lance, Panzer lance form up! Just as we planned.” I shouted the orders at my ponies. They were quick to response. Blue lance formed up at the base of the wall where they were awaited by Airborne lance. Under the cover of the unicorns of Flash lance who send volley after volley of water balloons up the walls so that no griffon dared to poke his head over the stones they made ready for the next step. Wearing no armour, the members of Blue lance were light enough to be carried by one or two pegasi. The flying troops grabbed the war painted mad-ponies, carried them up the walls and dropped them at the defenders on the wall. The griffons were taken by surprise when ten blue laughing and screaming maniacs landed amongst them and started slashing and bucking as they went. It took them some time to form ranks and engage the shock troops.
That was enough time for me and the rest of Panzer lance to be flown on the wall. Because we were walking tanks each of us needed four pegasi who dragged us up dangling from ropes. So only two of us could be flown on the wall at once. That took some time and when we were all landed on the walls, almost all of blue lance had been cut down. They had been a pawn sacrifice and they had even known it. But as Mad Dashes formulated it: “That's OK, we are weapons in pony form. Just unsheathe us and point us at the enemy. We don't mind porting as long as we get to buck some griffon flank in the process!”
I arrived just in time to see her overwhelmed by a dozen griffons, even as the spell took her she threw up her axe which cleaved another griffon as it came down again. I saluted her vanishing form and drew my own sword. Her sacrifice would not be in vain.
With the heavy armour on the wall we quickly secured a perimeter where the rest of my troops could land. A few minutes later we had secured the eastern walls.
“Flash lance, secure the wall and give us fire support. Alpha lance cover them. Airborne lance stay low and get ready to get us onto the second wall as soon as we make it there. The rest is with me!”
We charged down the battlements into the fray in the first courtyard where the infantry was still stuck fighting the defenders. Because we were coming form the eastern walls they had to fight on two fronts and were quickly overwhelmed between hammer and anvil.
Time and time again I raised my claymore high above my head and brought it down on griffon shields, heads, wings and limbs. In the thick of the battle there were not tactics or techniques afforded. I just kept hacking at a steady pace and let my armour deflect any glancing blows an enemy might get in.
The castle consisted of two rows of walls, each surrounding a courtyard. We had just entered the first one, but still had to get through the second gate and into the inner courtyard where we could gain access to the keep.
Me and Panzer lance secured a circle around the inner walls where Airborne lance began to lift the remaining troops onto the second wall. Flash lance gave once again cover from the outer walls. When the troops had all been shipped up, it was my turn to get transported last.
I stretched my neck to see Bigmag over the thick of the troops. He was advancing to the gate with his big war-hammer in mouth. He saw me when I was lifted up the side of the walls. That sight made him frown. I just grinned and saluted, sure that victory would be mine.

I was set on the walls and continued down into the second courtyard, where my ponies had already engaged the enemy and had wiped out almost all defenders on the ground. The way to the keep was clear. Well almost clear. A single griffon blocked the steppes to the keep, swinging two double bladed axes and cutting down anypony that dared to come near her. She was wearing the ornamented golden armour of a general and shouted insults and challenges at my soldiers. Already a dozen or more suits of armour lay in a circle around her.
“Come on you wimps! Whoever wants to gain fame by being slaughtered by general Gilda! Who dares to face me?” A half circle had formed before her, my troops were unsure how to proceed.
“I DARE!” my voice hailed over the cacophony of the battle. For a moment everyone present hold on and watched as I approached through a quickly forming alley.
“I am colonel Shield Wall of the Royal Equestrian Infantry. I hereby challenge you to single combat!”
I gave a quick glance to my own soldiers.
“No one interfere, this one is mine!” I ordered as I went into the circle.
Gilda stood on her hind legs and eyed me curious, a smile forming on her face as she recognized my name.
“Oh? So your are the one responsible for all the troops I lost in the western woods. The one who rescued the princess? I thought you'd be a mare.”
I had to snort at that remark and loosens my neck with audible cracks. I couldn’t even come up with a witty response because that insult was so stupid in the first place.
“Less chit chat, more fighting!” I replied between clenched teeth and advanced.
I opened up with a long lower cut at her head, which she easily avoided. She tried to counter with her axes, but her blows came in short and she had to defend when my sword came back down again. She caught it between crossed axe's shafts. Our faces came close as I tried to push down her defence with my weight.
“Oh, you are strong! I like strong stallions!” she pressed forth when our faces nearly met. Having a sword in my mouth I could only reply with incomprehensible muttering.
With a violent yank she redirected my force to her right and jumped clear. I quickly bucked at her to keep her form getting any swings at my blind side. We separated spinning and faced each other once again.
For long moments we circled one another, looking for an opening, then lunged at each other again and traded blurring blows. We were almost on pair in size and strength. I had more reach and heavier armour, she was a bit quicker and had two weapons. Any one of us had yet to gain an advantage.
I had gotten several glancing blows, but my armour had deflected them all. I had however only managed to get in some minor hits with my hooves in as well, none of which seemed to have done any damage. My heart raced, adrenaline pumped through my veins and had to smile despite myself. I just love to fight a good, strong opponent. Yet I could not keep this up forever. I heard how the sounds of battle had picked up behind me again. Bigmac had gained the second courtyard and was on his way. He would yet overtake me and raise his flag if I was stuck here any longer. As Gilda changed her weight on her hind legs I lunged at her bringing my claymore down in a crushing overhead blow, trying to break her guard with overwhelming force. She caught it once again between crossed axes and our weapons locked. I pushed further and raised on my hind legs as she did on hers. I managed to push her back several steps while both of us balanced on two legs. I stuck out with my fore hooves and got a good hit in one of her fore legs. I could feel her guard weakening as it went limb. I pushed further, sure of victory, when a sudden pain in my hind leg make me cry out. I lost balance and was thrown on my back. I rolled over my shoulder away from Gilda and jumped up to my three working hooves. As I faced her again, she stood on her hind legs, one claw hanging useless at her side, the other still holding an axe. With a cocky smirk she showed me her tail. A dagger was strapped to its tip. Oh that cheating...
I didn't quite finish that though because she jumped up using her wings and came down in a mad dive, screaming her war-cry, bringing her axe down in a wide arc. I met her with a bold overhead blow. Both our strikes connected and I could feel the impact on my neck. She crashed into me and we rolled over the dirt floor. She landed on top, her face inches from mine. Gilda still hold that stupid cocky grin when the light took us both.

A bright light, a sensation of heat and weightlessness, then I found myself laying on my back again, this time without any amour and on lush green grass. I rolled onto my once again working hooves and cursed. “Oh that sore loosing, cheating chimera!” I spat being a sore looser myself. Strapping a weapon to your tail? Why hadn't I thought of that! Next time I would knot a bucking flail to it!”
A familiar voice broke me out of my anger.
“Hey hey, look who made it here in time for the party!”
As I turned around I saw the pink figure of Mad Dash, grinning widely and offering me a bottle of bear. I quickly composed myself and returned the smile.
“Well I couldn’t let you drink all of the booze before I even got here.” I replied and took the bottle from her mouth. I emptied it in one draw and belched loudly.
She put a hoof to my shoulder and gestured toward a big festival ground with her head.
“Come one, the others are already waiting. They are all eager for a chance to return the favour, if you know what I mean.”
I chuckled at that remark, but I had to let them waiting a bit longer.
“Will get around to that later. You know where the griffons arrive? I have a chicken to pluck.”
“I guess they arrive at the other side of the camp. Dunno, there are lots of them on the faire you could ask though.”
I nodded.
“Thanks, see you later then!” I said and trotted off.

I crossed all of the festival grounds. Lots of familiar faces greeted me, some allies, some former enemies. Now they were all having a party together. This was a celebration of peace after all! There was food and booze, music and dancing, fun and games. I was looking for none of that at the moment, not exactly however.
I found Gilda at a long table at the other side of the camp. She was laughing and joking with some of her comrades who had arrived before her. They fell silent however when I came up to them, rolling a barrel in front of me.
I put up the barrel as I arrived and came face to face with the griffon general.
“You, me, drinking, this barrel, now!” I said with a stern voice, my face showing what I hoped was anger and knocked the barrel with my hooves to underline my point.
She raised an eyebrow and looked at me curious, then at the barrel. Slowly a grin spread on her face as she realised what I had come for.
“Ha, and here I thought you are sore looser!” she exclaimed and slapped me on the back.
“I am!” I replied and whipped her with my tail.
“Now less talking and more drinking! There is enough for all.”
We were having a silly drinking contest soon.
For all their fighting prowess and bravado, griffons are real lightweights when it comes to drinking. Or maybe my earth pony physique could take a lot more than I thought. Either way I had all of the griffons haplessly drunk after a few rounds. Have to say they were quite the entertaining bunch to be with when they were not trying to slap you in the face!
Me and Gilda shared some stories from the war. Turned out that she was in charge of the western front. She had been frustrated to no end by our guerilla tactics. Her scouts vanishing, her retaliation musters coming back beaten and with half their numbers. It was amusing to tell her, how we had always been one step ahead of her.
After an hour or two Gilda and most of her friends had collapsed on or under the table, either asleep or unable to sit any more. I shook my head and went off to get some food and then find blue lance. I was sure those crazy horses could match my thirst better than the griffons had.
I have to admit, that I was pretty drunk at that point myself. But having a bit of experience with drinking, I took it easy on the alcohol from there on and first got something to eat.

Oh we had great food! Some of our fellow brony cooks had found potatoes and showed those Equestrians how to make some proper fries. We had French fries, potato chips, country potatoes and potato fritters. There were large amounts of candy cotton, apple snacks, cupcakes and other traditional Equestrian treats. I however like something greasy and salty to my beer, so I settled for French fries and some peanuts.
I found blue lance sitting around a fire. Somewhere they had found some drums, so some of them were drumming heavy beats, while the rest of them danced. They stopped when I arrived however, because each and everypony of them wanted to slap me on the shoulder or punch me in the ribs or kiss me and then share a drink with me in “honour of the dirty bastard who had gotten them to the part in time.” My head was spinning by the time they were done and I joined them in their dancing. I never dance unless I am completely wasted. So you can imagine how I made a foal of myself and had a really good time.

At some point while I was doing that, the judges proclaimed the Equestrian victory and a loud cheering went through the crowd. I however only learned about that later, because I was to occupied with drinking and dancing at the moment. That was not a first for me. Two times before have I missed the final battle and victory on a big lap, because I was drinking with the northmen.
The next hours went by in a haze. All of the Equestrian and Griffon forces were teleported to the festival ground bit by bit and the party was soon swelling to a roaring madness when some twenty thousand creatures celebrated their seven hundred years old friendship.
I found myself shaking hoofs with several other colonels and all of my captains. Me and my mates promised to befriend each other on FB when we made it back home.
“We should go together to Waken sometime or something!” I said to my old bunkmate Apple Tree.
At one point I met the marshal and she thanked me for my contribution to her victory. I saluted, swaying on my hooves.
“It was my honour your majesty. If you ever find yourself in need of trans-dimensional help again, you can call on me any time!” I said slurring my speech. She hid a chuckle with her hoof and gave me a mysterious smile.
“Thank you for the offer Shield Wall. That might happen sooner than you might think.”
With that remark she left and I made a stupid face trying to decipher her meaning.
By dusk I had sobered up a little. I was still on the happy high of drunkenness, but I didn't sway anymore and didn't slur my speech. That was when I spotted Trixie. My eyes went wide in terror as I saw her. I had totally forgotten about my bet with Bigmac. To my great surprise however, the big red stallion was following the blue mares hoofsteps. I went over to him when Trixie stopped by some of her admirer to write autographs.
“Why are you trailing that unicorn like a good little puppy?” I asked as we met. He rolled his eyes as he saw me and shook his head.
“Because of our bet. You won by the way.” he spat annoyed. My eyes went wide at that revelation.
“What? How?” I asked confused. He rolled his eyes again.
“Apparently a certain pegasus mare learned about our bet and took it up on herself to make you the winner. She swooped down, took the banner from your cold dead remains and continued to the top of the keep. I heard she defeated a dozen or more enemy on the way, the enemy marshal among them.” he explained and my eyes went wider and wider till the threatened to pop out.
He put a hoof on my shoulder.
“I don't know if I should envy you or fear for your safety.” he admitted shaking his head.
“Macintosh! Come on, I got places to be!” Trixie called from further away.
“Yes Trixie, I'm coming.” replied Bigmac.
“What was that?” asked the light blue mare. Macintosh rolled his eyes again.
“Yes oh great an powerful Trixie, I'm coming.”
“That's better!”
He turned to me once again before he trotted after her.
“Take care buddy.” he said, then he was off.
I looked after him and didn't know if I should feel sorry for the big red guy or not. So he had to jump at every whim of that obnoxious unicorn, but I couldn’t help thinking that they made a cute couple.

Dizzy found me shortly after when I was once again sitting at blue lance's fire. They had recruited several griffons and smeared them with their blue paint and their party was now on overdrive. I kept a little to the side, watching the spectacle content with just sitting there and catching some rest.
She looked smashing. She had combed her mane, her coat was shining in the light of the fire and she had put a Margaret flower in her hair. It matched lovely with the colour of her eyes.
“I am looking for some sorry foal who lost his flank in a bet and is now doomed to serve as a personal slave.” she said loudly when she came to the fireplace. It made the crowd roar. I swallowed and gathered myself up.
“I happen to be that sorry foal.” I said in a soft voice, smiling happily when I came up to and looked down on her. She drew me down into an eager kiss that made the crowd around as cheer and whistle.
I blushed.
“I'm happy to see you too, you look stunning by the way, but there is a crowd watching us.”
She rubbed her cheek against mine and whispered into my ear.
“You know what they say? What happens in the Mock War, stays in the Mock War.”
“What?” I asked confused.
She let go of me and started walking off, giving me a suggestive smile.
“Oh” I exclaimed when I made the connection to the Las Vegas saying.-
I watched her going, her hips swaying sensual, her tail swinging seductively from side to side.
“OH!” I exclaimed as it hit me what she had been implying.
“Come on now, don't let your mistress wait!” shouted Mad Dash and whipped me across the haunches. I jumped and set of to follow Dizzy. As a took a glance back I saw everyone laughing and toasting in my direction.
I leave the rest of the night to your imagination. This is not a clopfic after all. Just let me say it was the best night ever! If you wonder why I didn't freak out or anything, I have to answer that I don't really know. I blame the alcohol and the transformation spell. And of course I am to lazy to freak out and just go with the flow, as I wrote back in chapter one.

I woke up the following day to a familiar snoring and the feeling of someone’s head laying on my stomach. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times. To my big surprise I found myself laying under the table of a familiar log cabin in Rheinland Pfalz, my good friend Björn resting his head on my stomach.
I shook my head to clear out the nausea. As I looked around I saw the remains of a party. Empty beer and mead bottles lay scattered everywhere, benches were thrown over, several other people slept on or under the tables.
I though: “Wow, must have been a great party!” And proceeded to push Björn down form my body. His head hit the floor with a thumb, but he continued snoring as if nothing had happened. I gathered myself up and left he cabin to take a leak.

I had the whole Mock War Episode rationalised as some form of crazy drug induced dream or something. But when I went on FB a day later, I was beyond surprise to find the following message.

Hi, I had the weirdest dream last night in which you were a pony and asked me to add you on FB. If you don't know what I am writing about, just ignore this. -Richard-

This concludes “Tails of the Equestrian Mock War”. This last chapter took me some time to finish and my personal war continued well past the Artists Training Ground on Equestria Daily.
I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it.
As I wrote on my blog, this is just a side project I did for the hack of it while working on the concept of my upcoming fic “Journey to the end of the sky”. Follow me for any news on that.
If you liked this story, please rate and post a comment below. You also might want to check out my previous story “Heart of the storm”. I think it is much better than this one!
Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

Comments

[Jeff Belinger]

So this time, on my sick leave I got some of the cooks to help me and set up two hundred barrels of meat, again half of it Schädelspalter. I planned on rolling the good stuff out on our victory feast after we defeated the griffons.

i think my soul died somewhere on this line

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I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the grey mare till my exhaustion caught up with me and I fell asleep.

i believe Big Mac would like a word with you.
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I looked after him and didn't know if I should feel sorry for the big red guy or not. So he had to jump at every whim of that obnoxious unicorn, but I couldn’t help thinking that they made a cute couple.

trixmac shipping? now that's one i didn't hear before

[Sebbaa]

168049 Ah mead and meat, one diffrent letter, totaly different meaning. ^^ Corrected.

[Onyxeye]

This is an excellent fic, I had a great time reading this!

I laughed, I cried (well, not really), and I cheered for Equestria. I even played some background music.

This is definitely a great story, kudos to you, my friend.

[Sebbaa]

172013
Thx, glad you liked it.

[Jet Cannon]

Haven't read it yet, although I intend to. Just wondering if you'd heard of an anime called Dog Days?

[Sebbaa]

926334
Nope, but I looked it up just now. Maybe it was an inspiration for the "new artists training grounds" that was the inspiration for this story. I dunno.

[Jet Cannon]

926363 Fair enough.

[D'Koda]

I only just found this. And wow. I'm surprised. I inspired something?

I'm saddened I lost my love of MLP, else I'd have enjoyed this more.

Well done