Twilight is a kind, trusting pony; which may be why she has rented a room in her home to a complete stranger. Now that Twilight is a landlord, she feels that it's her duty to find out more about the stallion she's living with. But when he starts telling absurd stories about his life, she becomes just a little concerned about his sanity, as well as her own.
Cover image is courtesy of ShotaJohn, who can be found at http://shotajohn.deviantart.com/
Thanks ShotaJohn!
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colt came withing range
*within
and notice the stamp
*noticed
nice start to the story, definitely looking forward to unraveling the enigma that shrouds this new pony. moar.
and on a side note, because I don't think I've ever done this...FIRST!
1797037
Must have forgotten to paste the spell-checked copy from Word. But that's just my stupid head for you, always screwing me over. Anyways, thanks for alerting me to that, and thanks also for faving the story. I'll be honest, I've been real nervous about how well this would be received, And it really helps to hear some encouragement.
Sweet baby Jesus, I could have sworn I had fixed that.
:EDIT: I fixed those bits you told me about, and I added some to the Author's Notes. Thanks again for the heads up!
I'll see how this story goes.
This is the source of the cover art.
1802934
Thanks, I was worried about that. I'll put it up right now.
Hey, two chapters in a row, I can say FIRST!
And I think I nailed it in my other comment, this dude's a SPY! He knows all this smart stuff and can understand Twilight when she's on one of her smart person rants, and he does other stuff, and more stuff...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR4N5OhcY9s
He is a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in riddles, lovingly sprinkled with intrigue, express mailed to Mystery, Alaska. But I guess in this case, it's not Mystery, Alaska, it's Ponyville, Equestria. Another good chapter man. /) high five.
>>abronie
High five back! I'll say this; there are things going on with our monochromatic friend other than what he's telling us, and Twilight probably wouldn't want to read in his book. Probably.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Smokey's Story
Grammar score: 9/10
Pros: First, you do a good job crafting intrigue and a sense of mystery around your character. Next, your Pinkie Pie is pretty good. This is a character that seems really hard to get right (I know I have trouble with her), but her voice and characterization in your story is solid. And finally, I enjoyed Twilight and Smokey's scientific back and forth. It managed to say a lot about both characters, while laying on another layer of world-building with the changelings.
Cons: The story tends to be very dialogue-heavy. I would have liked to see a little more of what is going on in the characters' heads. (Maybe Twilight and Pinkie, so the mystery of your OC is not spoiled...) I think adding that would help flesh out the characters emotionally and make the story even better. And your story title could be a bit more interesting. (It's the first thing people see when they look at your story, so you want a title that grabs them and pulls them in.)
Notes: I like your OC so far, but because he is so mysterious I don't feel like I can identify with him yet, in case he turns out to be an awful person. (I kind of don't think that is what's going to happen...) Judging from your description, this story is really still in it's introduction. I am interested to see what happens once he starts talking to Twilight about his life.
Enjoy your review! Sorry it took a few days to get back to you. (School...
) And thanks again for your review of my story, A Spell for Lyra.
2090578
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked my Pinkie Pie characterization; that part I really found hard to make believable or feel correct to me, so hearing you say that take a load off my back. I'm also happy that you found the back-and-forth between Twilight and Smokey to be effective, becuase I was also unsure how well that was done. I'll have to work harder on narration; originally I had ALOT of narritive parts written in, but when I looked back at the original draft, I just felt that what was there just didn't feel quite right. I think that the next chapter will (Hopefully) make Smokey a more likeable character, or at least a more interesting one. In fact, the next chapter should be about twice as long as the other two if I'm estimating correctly, so that's good.
Thanks again for the review and for the favorite!
P.S. About school; I know that feel. Are you in collage or High School? It's High school for me. Public. American Public
2090657 College. (Which is a lot of work, but my university offers a couple Fiction Writing classes, so it's pretty awesome.
) I also went to American Public High School.
2090718
Doesn't help that I got the crappiest county in all of the southeast. Or that Georgia gets maybe one-sixtieth of the education funding New York does. But oh well, I'll succeed on my own.
First!
yay! New chapyer. Will read, but probably won't comment unless the bus has wi-fi. Going on a trip, loading this at home.
2201325
That's cool, just do tell me what you think when you get a chance.
2251161
Well, it certainly has been a while, hasn't it? 1 week and 2 days...I remember that math competition...but yeah, it seems to be going well.
2251966
Yeah, I've been busy, so I haven't checked the comments for awhile. Glad you like it so far, I was kinda worried about this particular chapter. Especially the end. That end was hard for me to write. I don't like it at all.
Math competition? I'm not going to comment.
2252092
What? Math comps are awesome, I think I got...20th last time? Ehh, happens when you're Indian. And also, I looked at the last chapter and I'm all "I have no memory of this whatsoever" so it looks like I'm re-reading! Seriously, the only reason I do bad at math comps is because of my terrible memory...and I KNOW tangents make the right angle with a circle's radius...
2252600
It's not that I think that it's lame, it's just that I can't imagine liking math enough to want to do it competitively. I'm not as bad with it as I used to be, but I still don't like it. Anyways, sorry to hear that you only placed 20th. If it makes you feel better, I've never placed at all.
2252630
I don't like it either. BEING ASIAN FTW!! But yeah, will re-dread after my mom thinks I'm done studying for the math test tomorrow...yeah, because I need to study.
2252674 LOL. Well, good luck.