Just a simple writer living in the shadows.
The Rainbow Factory has been a site of mystery and rumor. But to those who work there it is a place of death. But now is the time to end the genocide. Now is the time to rise up. Now begins the Fall of the Rainbow Factory.
This is my first Fan fic...Each chapter will get better as you go because I learn more as I do each chapter. Please don't forget to comment so that I know how I did and how I can improve.
Go easy on me.
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I like this :) it's pretty good so far.
Hey, this was an event in PonySquare a few days ago. Couldn't make it though
I will read this later, I am busy at the moment.
Oh gos why.
Like I said in the Authors Notes, this is my first story I have ever done and it will get better. The next chapter will be out as soon as Finals are over. Even though I have more dislikes the likes I am still happy to get feed back so if your going to dislike this please tell me why so i can improve.
This is my first story so go easy on me. well its friggen AWSOME!
i had already thought the guy was going to be an assassin but i thought he was going to disable those two ponys forelegs and necks or something
but what really happened was TWENTY times better than what i expected!
>>Regidar
Every story i find youre there: 1778365
1778365
google.com/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/The+grammar....+Oh+god+the+_e61d38cd14fd01434c6e11a9c20f5c12.gif&sa=X&ei=PY_GUISzAq3BiwKh9IGwAg&ved=0CAoQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNGf9T-Fgr0nembFlIvbSlzWRu6E-A
*Every story I find, you're there.
1778294 Thanks I honestly didn't expect to get as much feed back on it so soon. Espesialy good comments like yours.
Ooooh, I liked it. Just needs a reviser to clean up some grammatical issues, and you've got yourself one hell of a story.
before redigar posted before redigar on chapter 2
1789910 Heh, nice.
By the way what did you think about chapter 2?
Mmh
go on...
i think its the better out of the two of them
Didnt scootaloo escape on her own though?
1818035 I am going off of the original Rainbow Factory story and in the end she gets captured and what happens to her afterward was never really explaned though they did hint that they were going to eventually going to kill her.
I really like this story, I can't see why people dislike this.
Looking forward to chapter 3!
Just released chapter 3 way sooner than I thought I would. Helps that college just ended for the semester so I have alot of free time. please read it and don't forget to tell me what you think
rainbow factory sequel
written by a sonic the hedgehog fan
who made 5 errors in the description alone
right after aurora dawn starts posting the real sequel
yeah this will totally end well
1822336 Accualy this is news to me. I just started writing fanfics and I have only read a few. My grammer isn't the greatest but I am working on that. Anyways sorry if I started something.
1822065 hey just thought I should let you Know that I just released Chapter 4 and I think it is my best one yet. Please tell me what you think.
yes it is the best one
You asked me to look through this story and let you know what I think. I have answers for you now.
Concept is pleasing. I like the idea behind a pony who's job is to reveal the hidden truths no matter what.
Execution is good as well. Good fight scenes and character development.
Now my recommendations.
1. Get an editor to go through correcting the rather frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as proper paragraph breaks. Given their frequency - especially in such cases as the use of 'fallow' instead of 'follow' - it's rather jarring.
2. Go into a bit more detail on the tech in use, as most of it is quite interesting.
3. This is the most important one. Names. The black stallion needs a name, even if it's only a "Call me -insert nickname here-". The little fillies at the beginning should have names to make us feel connected to them. The ponies in charge should have names, even if they are read off name tags or the names are only titles. Old fantasy stories talk about the magic of names, and they aren't kidding. If a character isn't a mook and has lines, then they need a name.
1915947 thanks Now I know what to fix and what needs to be done. Thanks a ton.
1915959No Problem.
Rainbow factory side fic
Oh mannnn....
Very nice job. A few comments on writing style.
I'd reccomend making each new speaker a new paragraph, and checking a few spelling issues.
1950370 can do. thanks
1949516
I'll take any kind of comment.
yay dashie good, now lets hope she dont die
1961718 well in these dark fan fics who knows what could happen to her.
but I promise you that whatever happens she is always my favorite character
Needs work, a lot in spelling, grammar and punctuation but you've got yourself an interesting idea. If I might make a few suggestions to make it sound better:
Red pegasus in the beginning should either display complete and utter apathy or be alot more secretive about his menacing motives. I would honestly rewrite it so that he was more lax with security and regulations because of the earlier incident, also indifference would be a nice twist. Keep in mind that your audience is familiar with Rainbow Factory so outright evil has been done, changing the one character from a more sinister to a mechanical personality is a way to add a little difference that won't take will still fit the overall tone of the story without changing much.
2050279 Ok I can do that. Thanks. But to tell you the truth I am suprised you went to this one. Everyone else always goes for my second fanfic. The one I base off of PMV Clouds. Also I do get better flow wise as the story continues in later chapters but lately I have been considering going back and rewriting Fall of the Rainbow Factory. so thanks for the input because now at least I know were to begin. Also if you ever get to the point where scootaloo meets RD again could you let me now if I added enough tension? I am terrible with high emotional moments. But if you feel like quiting now I understand. Thanks for giving it a try.
2050376 Well, you told me to review Rainbow Factory so I did. I will happily review the whole thing and your other story as well. I like how you write Rainbow Dash so far.
2050595 thanks I was worryed that she would be to out of character for the situation she was in.
hm
bit quickly paced but not the worst thing ever
2170896 I know it was my first fanfic. Eventually I am going to go back and rewrite alot of it, but I am now focusing on my Clouds PMV fanfic. Check out The Raod to Dawn. I think I am better at one shots anyways.
A very nice conclusion to this story. I like the idea that Lock Breaker works for Luna.
thanks
hmmmm the plot thickens
excellent way to make a form of sequel to his story line
2181096 thanks. Now that I have this story finished I can get back to writing the actual sequal to this, The Black Stallion Chronicles: Chaos Rising.
While I was satisfied by the previous ending, I'm sure many wern't and this was a wise idea
omg this was such a good story im glad to see scootaloo survived
2875397 Thanks. Glad to see that it is still being read. This was my first fanfic but still remains one of my all time favorites.
Nooooooo, the rainbow factory was perfect for an unwanteds crossover, don't kill it.
I would like to use this quote in a fanfic based on rainbow factory " Listen, time is both of our enemies so i'l make this quick."
This stallion is cooler than halt from rangers apprentice. No he isn't, still pretty cool though.
3074966 Thanks, glad to see that people are still reading this. Even though it was my first fanfic, it is still one of my favorites. And I have no regrets about the story itself though given the chance I wish I could go back and clean it up a bit.
My only regret was leaving it open for a sequel that I never really started and don't plan on going back to.
This put a better taste in my mouth after reading the original two stories. Thanks, you did a great job. There are people out there who after reading the originals, would need to read this.