Life Goes On
Rainbow Dash lands next to the Library and shakes the snow off her before walking in. Twilight was sitting at her desk, reading one of her books. Dash walks over and sits next to her. "Hey girl, what you reading?" Dash looks down and realizes its one of the Daring Do books. "Haven't you read that on already?"
Twilight looks up from the book and gives Dash a quick kiss. "Yes, but it's my favorite. I love the idea of somepony being handicapped in some way but still being able to overcome any obstacle through determination."
Dash looks at the cover and realizes it was the first book in the series. The same book that got her into reading, Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone. Dash snuggles up to Twilight. "Ive been thinking about what you said earlier."
Twilight looks up from her book again. "What did i say?"
Dash places a wing around Twilight before continuing. "When you said how empty the library is going to be since spike moved in with Rarity to help her when Sweetie Bell isn't around. I was thinking, maybe we could start a family?"
Twilight snorts in surprise. "Ummmm, you realize were both mares, right? Reproduction is psychically impossible."
Dash giggles at the look on Twilight's face. "No, that's not what i meant at all. I was thinking that we could always adopt. We could have a filly of our own to raise and take care of."
Twilight thinks for a moment. "The closest orphanage is in Cloudsdale. I guess i could use the cloud walking spell. We could go next weekend, seeing as we don't have any plans.
Dash breaks out in a smile. "Forget the orphanage in Cloudsdale. Its really good and all those foals are really well taken care of. Besides, I have a less fortionate filly in mind."
One week later...
Rainbow Dash and Twilight are standing in the town hall. The mayor was showing them where to sign to make the adoption official. As the last line is signed, she turns to a door and calls out a name. A little pegasus filly walks out with saddlebags full of her stuff. Dash walks over and places a wing around the filly. "Ready to go home Scootaloo?"
One month later...
It's Scootaloo's first spring with her family. Dash decides to take her to a clearing just outside of Ponyville to teach her to fly. Twilight tags along to watch and to catch Scootaloo should she fall. "Ok Scootaloo, first you have streach your wings out to make sure you don't cramp up."
Scootaloo nods and flexes her wings. She had been exercising all winter, preparing for this opportunity. "Im ready Dash."
Dash smiles and opens her wings as well. "The key to flying for the first time is to not overdo it. Instead of flapping as fast as you can try to put all your strength into each flap. Try to just hover above the ground." Scootaloo does as she's told, and slowly her hooves start to raise off the ground. A huge smile forms on Scootaloo's face as she looks down at Rainbow Dash. "Good job, now lean forwards just a tad and flap just a little harder." Scootaloo starts moving forwards, but in her excitement she miss's a beat and falls. Twilight catches her and sets her on her hooves.
Scootaloo starts bouncing around, doing a passable imitation of Pinkie Pie. "DID YOU SEE ME I WAS FLYING!"
Dash chuckles. "If you think THAT was flying, wait until you can soar with me in the sky." Scootaloo just beams at Dash before trying again.
Five months later...
Rainbow Dash holds a crying Scootaloo in her wings. The two are sitting next to a bed in the hospital. Twilight looks at her two favorite ponys. "Don't worry about me. The best doctors and unicorn's in Equestria are looking for the solution. I'm going to be fine."
Somehow Dash didn't believe her. Dash takes Scootaloo outside the room and sits her down. "Ill be right back, ok? Im just going to talk to Twilight for a minute." Scootaloo nods and Dash walks back in the room, closing the door. She turns to Twilight and gives her a kiss on the head. "How long do you have before...." She couldn't finish the sentience.
Twilight smiles and reaches for Dash's hoof. "Unless they can find whats causing my organs to shut down, they give me at most a week."
Dash looks away to hide her tears. "Why does this have to happen. We were happy, we have a family."
Twilight reaches for Dash's face and strokes her cheek. "Don't worry about me. Ill be in a better place. ill get to see my parents again. You have to be strong for Scootaloo."
Dash wraps her wings around Twilight and kisses her. She holds it for a few precious moments before breaking it and saying goodbye. "Ill come back tomorrow as soon as visiting hours start, I promise."
Twilight smiles once more. "You better. Ill be waiting."
The next day...
Dash and Scootaloo enter the hospital and sit in the waiting room for visiting hours to start. A nurse looks sadly at them before turning away. Dash gets an uneasy feeling in her stomach. When two more nurse's walk by and stop talking while trying to look into her eyes, Dash gets up and walks down the towards Twilights room. When the nurse behind the counter moves to stop her, she breaks into a run. When she reaches Twilights room she stops at the window. Inside, Twilight is hooked up to a breathing machine. Her eyes are closed and her mane is all messed up. Dash lightly taps on the glass.
The nurse walks up to Dash and sits. "Her heart stopped a little after midnight. We got it started again, but she went almost six minutes without oxygen to her brain. We fear she suffered brain damage. She's not breathing on her own. I'm sorry."
Dash presses her face up against the glass, tears wetting her cheeks. "Can we see her?" The nurse nods. Dash goes back for Scootaloo. "Scootaloo, were going to go see Twilight. She's in a deep sleep so she can't talk but she can still listen."
Scootaloo looks up with tears in her eyes. "Is she ever going to wake up? Shes going to be alright, right?"
Dash looks away she Scootaloo cant see her cry. "No, Scoots. I don't think she's ever going to wake up." Dash leads her down the hall and into Twilight's room. Scootaloo climbs up in the bed with Twilight and curls up next to her. Dash pick's up Twilight's hairbrush and begins to untangle her hair. They stay like that for the next few hours until eventually the heart monitor next to the bed beeps. Dash looks over and sees Twilight's blood pressure slowly drop, followed by her heart rate. Dash leans over Twilight and kisses her once more. "Goodbye Twilight. I will always love you." Scootaloo wakes up and gives Twilight a hug as the monitor flat lines. Dash reaches over and pulls the plug on the machines, bringing an eerie silence to the room. They stay with her until the doctor comes to fill out her death certificate.
Three days later...
The burial ceremony is short. Only her the Elements, Spike, Scootaloo, and the three princesses and Shining Armor attended. They buried her in the clearing Scootaloo had learned to fly in. Princess Cadence carved Twilight's name and birth and death day into a large rock that she then placed at her head. Everypony said a few words of respect, although none could bring them selves to say them out loud, for fear of not being able to hold their tears back. Afterwords, dash carried Scootaloo home and lay her in her bed. She climbed in bed with her and covered her with a wing before falling asleep.
Five months later...
Dash wakes up from the cloud she had been dreaming on. She was freezing and covered in frozen mist. She was laying on a noctilucent cloud, high up n the atmosphere. She liked coming up here, the atmosphere was thin enough that you could see the stars no matter what time of day it was. She would lay up here and talk to the stars, and Twilight. But today shes up here for a different reason. Shes up here to say goodbye. "I will always love you, Twilight Sparkle. Remember that. I look forward to seeing you again." She takes a step forward and jumps off the cloud. Usually she would open her wings a little and glide slowly back down to the ground, but today she left them folded and just fell. The fall took a long time, but the entire time she fell all she could think about was how much she missed Twilight. She opened her eyes and saw the ground fast approaching, closing her eyes against the wind. Just before she hit the ground she flared her wings and slowed down just enough to land on her hooves hard. She opens her eyes again and walks forwards. She stops at a stone at the edge of the clearing she had landed in. On it, she could still clearly read 'Twilight Sparkle'. Dash kisses the rock, then looks up into the sky to see Scootaloo gliding towards her. "Hello Scootaloo." She throws a hug around Dash before walking over to the stone and laying down next to it. She came hear everyday around noon, just to sleep with Twilight like she used to when she had a nightmare. Dash walks over and curls up around Scotaloo. They fall asleep and relive their memories with the Purple unicorn. Eventualy they wake up and head over to Pinkie's house for the memorial party. As she walks away, Dash turns back towards Twilight. "I will never forget you."
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I had tears in my eyes while I was Writing the ending so hopefully that means its a good story. Hope you enjoy.
Dude, so many TwiDashes...
Haven't read your stories yet, but definitely watching you!
1770459 there alot of fun to write and their my favorite ship.
Wow, that description... it's so descriptive.
hmmm
shall keep track. 
1770477 i dont really know how to describe it without giving the ending away. Sorry, you'll just have to read it.
1770467 Read mine, maybe something will inspire you :)
*Glances at start*
Not doing this again on my own accord.
Fix the tenses.
1770509 Try reading it without thinking about all the negatives. Stories are more enjoyable that way.
Okay, will read it right now. I'll PM you with my thoughts about it
1770525
That may be so, but a good story is defined by not having any/many negative parts, and when said parts are every 5th word, it kinda grates on you after a while.
Also I will say a story is good, irrelevant of minor errors even though they are increasingly annoying, if I think it is good. I give up reading entirely if the whole thing just turns into an OCD war every other sentence.
1770541 Most people would get mad and think your picking on them. But i welcome your critism. it keeps me in check. I realize the value of a critic unlike so many others.
Capitalize "I".
Capitalize "Spike".
That's not a very Dash like thing to say.
Use bold or italics on this to make it more clear.
See above.
See above.
Why is it always Twilight who dies?
Question mark, not a period.
I'll
I'll, and when did Twilight's parents die?
All in all, the story went WAY too fast. It developed no characters, left me barely anytime to breath, and left me feeling... empty.
0/10 feels were felt. Good day to you.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9mczqgTFI1rb31rvo1_500.gif
1770541 Have you read yet? What are your thoughts?
Fine. Give me 5 minutes.
Also
Capitalised.
1770560 I'm sorry to hear that. And this is only the second one ive read or wrote that Twilight dies in. Usually i find ones that Rainbow Dash or BOTH die. I thought i was mixing it up a bit.
1770596 Hm. Well, my advice is to DEVELOPE the characters. Give me REASONS to feel bad. I mean, a death is fairly sad, but the characters felt cardboard and empty throughout the whole thing.
1770607
Things to work on
1. Character Development. Got it. anything else?
1770617 Yeah, your capitalization's fairly bad. Get a proofreader if you must.
1770629 I have one. Hes not online right now. He will be soon though. (I hope.)
1770636 Alright, because you made some basic capitalization errors.
I'm glad you're taking my advice.
Most people are stubborn idiots about it.
There were definitely some feels. It may have been a bit rushed, and I agree with Regidar. You try to do a lot for a one-shot, and some character development and expansion is needed. However, that said, considering it IS a one-shot, I enjoyed it (well, taking into consideration it is a tragedy piece, but you get what I mean, right? RIGHT?). On a completely unrelated note, I have to stop reading so many tragedy fics or I am going to implode in a fit of feels-induced-depression. Hope to see more of your writing later!
1770644 Like i said to M3lancholy. I understand the importance of a good critic. They help steer you in the right direction.
Actually now i'm a little worried about M3lancholy. He said to give him five minutes and it's been twice that. Hey buddy, you didn't get lost in the story did you?
I'm going to give him five more minutes before i pull my waders on and pull him out of the shit XD.
Ugh. Way too fast. I couldn't finish it. First they're dating, then BOOM! They have a daughter. Then, BOOM AGAIN! Twilight's dying. No, just no.
Here
Sorry, I died somewhere along the way.
This could have been dragged on a bit more and you could have gone into a lot more detail, I will agree with Regi that this is lacking the potential amount of feels that it could have. I'd recommend talking to someone during writing so you can get things done live rather than post-publishing.
Urk, it's hard to show comparisons on a pastebin, but when I read through it, the concept itself has been tried around many blocks and is reasonably successful, but when I read through some parts during an edit, some parts like:
I expanded this and changed the whole sentence basically, I'd advise you work on your descriptions and your continuation (again). Description can make or break a story is most cases, it changes it from being a mildly interesting work of fiction where a pony meets another pony and stuff happens, to Twilight and Dash deciding to adopt a foal, teaching her to fly over a winter filled with many happy times until Twilight Sparkle, happy mother and wife, is struck by a tragic illness and her wife and daughter are left to try and get through the hardships of losing a loved one.
General rule of thumb? After the first 3 'Five days later...' you are basically removing potential story material which makes the story much more realistic. Having looked over your other works, I'd go so far as to say that it was rushed and you were basically trying to churn out as many as you could as fast as you could. Quantity over Quality if you will. Please... don't do that.
Even if it's just you pacing yourself and you have to find someone over Fimfiction/Private message/IRC/something, get them to look over what you have written in your own time where you are not forcing the story, and get them to give you opinions, a pre read, a grammar check, and talk to them about filler material.
What I mean by the latter point applies for all three stories (Except for Dash's Secret... maybe), the story consists of Plot point to Plot point to Plot point to Plot point. There is no sense of the characters pacing themselves or the story developing, it is just a long string of action which happens to contain the main points of the story. There is no flesh around it, nothing to fill the gaps in as it were.
In conclusion:
-Have a read before you publish your chapters
-Get an impartial advisor to read before you publish your chapters
-Talk to your impartial advisor about said chapters
-Pace yourself, it's not going to do your own health any good if you are writing 3 stories every day.
-Talk nicely to a person who is willing to go through your story and offer their opinion about what could be improved/changed, basically point two.
~M3lancholy
P.S: Hopefully this is more useful as critique material and you can learn from it more than me telling you to change things. That is only going to annoy both of us in the short run.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(gets shot in the head)
metal scourge:sorry about that. what my master is trying to say very good story,sad,but good. please continue.and dont worry about master.he'll be fine
Woooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another one of your stories, was off for a while so i missed the grand publishing
but i can still enjoy it
1771422 glad you enjoyed.1771105 thanks for the info. i curse the story Plot Twist. Now every time someone mentions plot, i get draged back to that story. Whatever. Thanks for all the info, hopefully i can learn to just slow down. I think that,s where most of my problems come from. I just need to think it through a little more. (you died?)
1773174
That I did.
1774539 (Starts planning funeral<But wait, hes talking to me. O SHIT HES HAUNTING ME.>)
1775491
That is also plausible.
General note about things, I have a habit of going offline and 'dying' every so often. In the instance of last night, it was because I was laughing at someone else's misfortune over VOIP.
~M3lancholy
At the end I thought Dash was about to commit suicide... This was sad....