Fluttershy gets lost in the Everfree Forest and has to find her way back to Ponyville. She meets a new friend who is willing to lead her back to town. I don't want to spill to much more for fear of ruining the idea behind the story.
This is my first story written so the usual helpful and critical comments would be appreciated.
If enough people show interest I would be willing to continue this story or make others so let me know what you think.
A HUGE thanks to Editors Dreamland for all of the help with the upcoming revisions!
Chapters (1)
No real complaints. A few grammatical errors here and there, but that's what makes up human.
I don't know is this fic was too good for me to say anything bad about,
Or if I'm just too tired to notice it though.
Okay, a few major points that you could improve.
one: make your main character less of a 'Mary Sue'. Virtually everything he does is positive, and believe me, nobody likes a goody two shoes. Make him more of an asshole, because secretly we all love pricks.
two: Don't rush it so much. It's been one day and they're already madly in love. slow it down a bit, nobody likes a rushed story.
three: work on your punctuation, for example:
when it should be more like "I'll come back, just wait for me"
also, as a sidenote, don't put the word 'shadow' in your pony's name. It just makes them sound like a wannabe badass.
on the upside, your spellings all a-okay (from what I've seen). Want my opinion? Write a few practice pieces, that should get you into the swing of things.
1st of all, the description has too much tell as opposed to show.
2nd If you type [ hr ] without the spaces in the chapters, it makes a break for you. Like so:
that way, you don't need to use ------------------------------------- as your break.
3rd Many grammar errors too soon for anyone's enjoyment.
That's just three errors. I didn't get too far into it, as you're just telling me, instead of showing. I can't stand that, and advise you get an editor.
i.imgur.com/Y3zJi.jpg
1755757
I'll see what i can do. Though it will be hard for me to change the personality much because that's the kind of person I am.
I agree that it went to fast, especially at the end, but I wanted to do it in one chapter. The upload format still confuses me I wrote it in word.
And as for my grammar. I need all the help I can get I'm an engineering student so proper writing techniques have never been my forte. I wrote this because the idea popped into my head one day and it sounded like fun.
Ok, well my computer flipped out and deleted the comment I was about to put on your fic. As an admin/creator of Editors Dreamland, I encourage you to message me and we can go over it in depth. The biggest issues I'm seeing are, the description, grammar, transitioning, and sentence structure. The idea is fine, just talk with me and we can flush it out together. Do you have a word doc of this? or a google doc? Those are a lot easier for me to work in. But anyways, this will be reviewed/edited by me, so contact me and we will get to work!
1757058 You can find a fair few quality proofreaders on this site if you're interested. I'm sure most of them would be more than willing to help. Hell, if it wasn't for them, my stories would be illegible.
1757877
We have edited it and we will be posting the new a improved one out real soon. with 2,000 more words.
New and revised big thanks to Editors Dreamland for all of the help!
SilverTounge123 and bronybrozly for asistance with the editing.
1761498
god dammit man we need a real ending
1761633
Define real ending
1761633
that is a real ending if you were hoping for a happy one maybe in the next chapter
Chapter two is going to be a thing
1761653
Well yes possibly happy but even if sad it still feels like a bad ending for shy to just run off and never see him again
1761653 Must say, this new edit is a big improvement. You sir, have earned a like
However, there are one or two (minor) typos here and there. You know, an extra comma or missing letter here or there, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with another quick once-over. All in all, good job.
this is just too sweet
1766646
aww thanks :)
Write more this was awesome! And pretty sad/sweet!
:)
make more she needs to go back to him
Hm, I noticed that you got help from Silvertongue123 and bronybrozly. That's good, because they are both great editors/reviewers.
Please write a squeal with a happy ending, maybe Chaser could give up waiting and decide to go to Ponyville and find her