Hypnosis Fault

by CometandAqua

Feather Dance

Feather Dance

Mistress Hypnos is a very kind pony. She cares equally for every pony she has a session with, but she does leave a few strange suggestion in ponies' heads. The last session I watched with her, the pegasus pony would be unable to use her wings when they were touched by her. I don't know why she leaves these suggestions, but she must have a reason. Mistress Hypnos also said that I finally can have my own private session. Mistress has seen me hypnotize ponies before, and all exceeding her expectations. After 2 years of being her student, I will finally use my skills.

I walk up to the door of my first ever client. The house is simple, one story with a gated garden in the back. She opens the door as soon as I knock, but she seems a little disappointed when she sees it's me.

"Is Hypnos not coming?" she asked sadly.

"No, but she is allowing me to do this session myself. I am as trained as she, and I hope this will be the best I've ever done," I replied.

She welcomed me into her home and we both sat down on the couch. The living area of the house is similarly simple as the outside, a couch near the center with a coffee table in front and an area rug under neath. "I've wanted to stop expecting the worse," she began. "I never look straight to the bright side. Could you help me?"

"Of course. Now, sit right here on the couch as I get started." She sat on the couch where I pointed and I touched my horn to her forehead. The yellow and orange mare instantly wobbled a bit, and I focused her mind to sit up in the trance.

I started with the usual trance phrases, the "Relax, deeper and deeper" stuff, then I moved on to the hypnotic suggestion. I said how she would only look on the dark side of things when nothing else could help her, and every time she heard the word "better," she instantly felt more confident.

The mind actually doesn't notice time passing; dreams for example. A hypnotic suggestion will always be as fresh as when it is given.

After the suggestion she wanted, I moved on to the few Mistress Hypnos always gives. A touch to the forehead erases memories of choice, a touch on the cutie mark gives ultimate obedience, holding my horn to her head puts her back in the trance--I really don't get why she puts them there, but I've learned not to question her. I finished this and brought her out of the trance. She awoke and started first,

"Did it work?"

"Let's see," I replied. "If it starts to rain, what will you do?"

"I'd quickly finish anything left needed in my garden, then go inside because the rain helps water them."

"It worked," I said confidently. Then I touched her forehead. "What's your name?"

"I don't know, I can't remember."

Touching her forehead again, I gave a suggestion to forget this much of the session, and I left with my first success.

Author's Note:

Well, I've decided to go through and edit this chapter too. I really should try writing a new chapter of this.

Comments

[Regidar]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me5qzfrJbg1r5dqjh.gif

[suckmyponycock69]

The pic alone, just...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

[Riften Guard]

1736778
I know where that's from

[GoneZombie]

So I won't lie, this is my fetish and it's still kinda bad.

Don't let that get you down though. The first thing a person writes usually is. Lets look at some ways to make it better.

First up is length.
Unless you're trying to emphasize something, like a particular point that you want to carry a lot of weight so you make it stand it it's own chapter, chapters should be longer. A good minimum benchmark is about a thousand words or so. This doesn't have to come from more actions made by characters-- that is, you don't have to come up with more story (though that's good too). What you can do instead is describe what happens in more detail. For instance, we don't have a description of what Hypnos or her assistant look like. Is the crowd scene taking place on a stage? Did Hypnos set up a tent for her private appointments, or is she working out of a hotel, or wagon? Hows the weather when she gets to town? Remember that you are the only person who knows what the story you're telling should look, and describe that. We only get a feel for what you tell us.

Second: perspective.
This really could have been done a lot worse, as you never switched perspective in the middle of a chapter. Perspective can switch, and it's best done in chapter breaks, like you did. However, if it's done too much, it can make your story feel very fragmented and choppy, because the reader never gets to become used to who the story is being told by. The prologue chapter had me used to the idea of who was telling me the story, then it shifts to Twilight (perfectly acceptable), and then it shifts again all before the thousand-word mark (maybe less so). This could really be fixed by lengthening your chapters, so that we actually get to spend some time with whoever is telling the story, before it switches. Still, it's easy to get carried away, so I'd recommend still sticking to some kind of pattern with the perspective switches so the readers know what to expect.

(I actually just noticed the chapter headers that list the narrating character, which is good, but take the fact that I didn't notice it earlier as evidence that some readers (like me, perhaps ) are kind of lazy and skip that stuff occasionally)

The last thing that bothered me was sentence structure and phrasing.
You managed to avoid most grammer and spelling mistakes, which is great! I read a lot of amazing stories that bug the piss out of me because of constant typos, so keep that up! However, your phrasing could still use some work. Some of your sentences we a little vague or confusing. Lets look at a few notable ones:

Some of your sentences are just too short, like "All except Ponyville." in Prologue, or "Dreams for example." in The First Session. Really, these are incomplete thoughts, that shouldn't stand on their own. You should include them in other sentences, and separate them with a comma, dash, or semicolon, depending on how much emphasis you want to give them (commas are pretty standard for singling out a thought in a sentence, a dash -- is less common and has more empty space, so it tends to draw the eye and make the thought stand out a little more. a semicolon should be used rarely, reserved for those phrases that you want to include but can't quite stand in their own sentence.) For instance, "All except Ponyville." could become "I had been to Fillydelphia, Manehattan, Appaloosa, Las Pegasus, Saddle Arabia, just about everywhere--all except Ponyville."

Something else to look at is whether or not you're being clear in what you're trying to say. Remember, you're the only person who really knows what you're trying to communicate, so it's important to use language that's as clear as possible, or readers can get confused. Take this sentence from Pinkie's suggestions: "And no matter how hard you try to stop laughing, you can't until the leaf is no longer touching the pony. 1, 2, 3!" I highlighted all the negatives in that sentence. Each one switches the meaning back and forth, and using too many can get really confusing. I had to stop and re-read that sentence three or four times to really understand it. There are other examples, but keep that kind of thing in mind when writing. Stop and look over what you've written, and try to see if what you mean is clear (or would be, to someone who doesn't already know what you mean like you do).

One more thing. It's pretty minor, but you could stand to use more commas to break your sentences up. A good trick is to read what you've written out loud and every time you pause, throw in a comma.

Whew! I think that's it for now, hope it helps, and good luck!

[suckmyponycock69]

1736916 Fellow nor/mlp/erson?

[CometandAqua]

Thank you guys for the, constructive critisim.
I'll let you guys know I'm not the best at writing, and I'm not all that good with describing. My last fanfic, It'd be lucky to have more than 5 small paragraphs per chapter.

And GoneZombie, thank you for the advice. I'll use this to try and extend my story, and make it much better than it is.

And btw, the picture was made on SumoPaint, and no, it's not my best work.

[GoneZombie]

Looking forward to it!

[JadeHarley]

I hate how the people are hating your pic. much better than I could do.

[CometandAqua]

2613499
I'm tempted to try and write a next chapter...
Do know I'm really not that good at writing.

[JadeHarley]

2613905
Do it!all that can happen is people won't like it.

[CometandAqua]

2615510
And that has already happened. What can go wrong?!

[Templar22]

What are all the dislikes for? I'm liking this, sounds like a good RP. I'm very interested to see more of Feather Dance's story, I can see potential for some major feels. Though you could use a bit more detail, something like what this guy said>>1737072

[CometandAqua]

3058416
Truly, I think it was because of how bad my writing was before I edited the story.

[Aperturewheatley]

Okay, so, here i go.

This is somehow my favorite fic ever. However, the situation is ridiculously overused, albeit with an interesting format. Hypnos should be a unicorn or allicorn.

I was actually going to rewrite this story with a human as the protagonist and make it much, much better. I was wondering how you guys would feel about this.

[Aperturewheatley]

3085334
You need to write another chapter. NOW.
NOW!!!
Also, check out my spinoff of your fic. Should be on my page.

[Furious Thestral]

if your still alive you should continue with this FIC, NOW

[nerdyGAMERgrl]

2616258

Absolutely NOTHING!