So much has happened in the one day after their welcoming party. At least a lot for Pyrefly. So far he's pissed off Rainbow Dash, was challenged to a race by her, made her feel bad, and finally made out with her. Not to mention shocking all the rest of the main six, well, except Pinkie, who just wants to have another party. But what about Ice Dancer? How will she take the news? Or will Ponyville have an early winter? I hope you guys enjoy this as much as my first fic. Not to mention this one is 'slightly' longer than The Comet and The Rainbow.
Note-Please read 'The Comet and the Rainbow' before reading this fic. This has ten more views then the 1st part of the story. Thanks everyone. Later!/)
Chapters (4)
Well, that move was pretty cool.
Why is he a celebrity, did he beat rainbow or something?
1733654
you'll have to read my other story to know that. It's called The Comet and The Rainbow.
Lack of editing? Check.
Self-insert Gary Stu OC? Check.
Plot that revolves entirely around author wish-fulfillment? Check.
I'll never understand why people post their masturbatory fantasies for the public to view.
Ah, well. Downvoted and on to the next one.
1734312
maybe reading my first story before making any negative comments please. Thank you for reading though.
1734382
I haven't read the whole thing, I admit, but I did take a look at the first chapter out of sheer curiosity. My opinions remain unchanged.
Alright, it seems that people don't really like this fic
Let's see why!
> Reads
Alrighty, here's the deal. I highly reccomend you find a good editor, or at least use a proofreading program. I see too many grammatical errors to point out each and every one of them, and while they are minor, for example, not putting a space after a comma, they do become noticable as you read on.
Second, which this is the biggest problem, is your OC. He is very generic, and doesn't really show anything unique, nothing really stands out about him. He seems like one of those OCs everyone complains about, the kind that seems better than everypony else. This isn't a very good idea to do. I'll admit, it's difficult to make an OC that stands out (in a good way) but this is not the correct route to take.
Overall, the story isn't too good, at least from what I've read. I'm not hating, it still can be saved, you just need to edit your work, and maybe make your OC lees over-powering. Good luck!
- The Gentle Colt, TWE's crusader of pure love and tolerance.
1734407
well. Thank you for the honesty, but if you could give it a full read and then another review, than I'll take you're critique.
1734457
thank you for the review. I assume you read the first part, and if so, I will take your critique to heart.
1734502
Sorry, but I'm not particularly interested in reading any more of a story that you clearly put very little effort into. I find it very hard to believe that it gets any better past the first chapter, particularly considering that this fic has the same issues. So either the issues are consistent throughout, or you got better, then got worse again.
I think the ratio of upvotes to downvotes up there should be all the indicator you need that the fic has problems and needs improvement. To clarify, here's my advice:
-Familiarize yourself with the rules of English grammar and punctuation. Follow them.
-Edit your work before posting it. Edit it again. Continue editing it until you no longer want to look at it. Give it to someone else and have them point out errors. Fix all the problems they notice. Repeat.
-Don't make a Gary Stu OC. Common traits of a Gary Stu OC include: being best friends with the Mane 6, being in a relationship with one (or more) of the Mane 6, being better than a canon character at their defining trait, being very attractive, being very charming, strange coloration, abnormal/no cutie mark, Alicorn.
-Don't name the OC after yourself, or in any way attempt to insert yourself into the story. Roughly one person cares about your adventures in Equestria: you. If that's what you want to write, you may want to just keep it to yourself.
Feel free to listen, or not. Your call.
1734581 Wow, well then I better take down my story because it revolves around me and my friends. Though we aren't OP, quick relationship development does occur with the 6. I don't know though...
Now to read this story... Honestly, it cannot be that bad... *Prepares himself for an edit.
Edit: Puns! So many hilarious puns! I'm not voting either way though.
All I can really say here is GOODLUCK!
Why does this have so much hate? it had so much hate before the first chapter was posted! looks like some people are being pessimistic.
If I might add a couple of things to the critiques already posted:
I would encourage you to add a lot more showing to go with the telling- meaning, you tell us who said what a LOT, and then there's a little bit of telling us who is doing what. Instead, try to describe the actions, gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Ice Dasher gets angry- show us this by describing her standing tensely, shaking with fury, tail lashing, stopmping hooves, etc. Ears are very expressive on ponies/horses, and head position can be used to convey unspoken emotion as well. Ponies in FiM have very expressive eyes and muzzles, so use that as well.
Less dialogue, or at least a smaller ratio of dialogue-to-story. This story is roughly half dialogue, so it quickly becomes a babble of voices as I try to read it. This ties in with 'show rather than tell' anyway.
Your story starts as if it were a chapter from the middle or end of your other story, so it is instantly confusing for anyone who has not read the other. This might be acceptable for a sequel, but there's no indication for the reader that this is the case here. I literally had NO CLUE what had happened, and the refusal of the characters to explain it (and even worse, sweeping it under the rug) makes it worse- it was annoying to be kept in the dark. If you want to tell a story about a relationship, you have to give at least SOME details. Two ponies suddenly being together is not interesting; two ponies who overcame some significant obstacle or interpersonal conflict can become interesting.
I see what you tried to do with filling in the backstory to explain ID's anger, but it sort of makes the OC seem like a lech or a user. Rather than try to present that old conflict solely through dialogue it would be better to do some actual exposition, or have a character EXPLAIN what happened.
I second (third?) the comment that you need to get some help editing- it will help IMMENSELY, especially if you can find someone to bounce ideas off of. Another suggestion I would have is to do some intensive reading and focus learning the mechanics of putting a story together. Good luck!
What's with all the instant dislikes anyway? that's pretty messed up considering how great this is written
1738635
Thanks very much for the support. a ray of light always brightens a dreary day. a rainbow doesn't hurt either. lol. /)
Wow Ice is a really inconsiderate, selfish Bitch!!
She's based on a real friend i have. let's just say she isnt always like that.
Y SO MANY DISLIKES?!
You seriously need a pre reader
ZECORA is spelled with a C not a K
1750673
Thank you!
1750678 have you got a pre reader?
[youtube=jHPOzQzk9Qo]
1750749
no, but i have had a lot of my friend read all of story 1 & 2. all of them bronies, so nothing would get messed up on. but as many have pointed out, stuff fell through the cracks. but that's why its good to have other people read it too, even after it gets put out for all to see. so thanks for the correction.
How did they miss al these mistakes 1750868
WHAAT?!?
:
That's really mean for a little filly!
3281652 I know, RIGHT?!
1741008
Maybe it's because a filly is the antagonist.