Author's Note
Before reading this story, please be sure to read my first story, The Comet and The Rainbow. I'm adding this note as to remove any confusion as to why this story starts the way it does. Thanks and I hope you enjoy this conclusion to Pyrefly and Ice Dancer's introduction to the FiM Timeline. Later. /)
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Fire, Ice And A Rainbow
A Frosty Start
"What is going on here!" Cried everyone in unison.
"This calls for a party!" Yelled Pinkie Pie.
"Pyrefly, Rainbow, what in the hay is going on here?" Applejack demanded.
"Clearly we missed something important that happened in the last 24 hours," commented Twilight. "Care to fill us in?"
Rainbow and I broke our gaze and turned toward the circle of mares.
"What do you mean Twi?" Responded Rainbow, smiling in my direction.
"You two just met yesterday, were instantly at each other's throats, and now you're acting like long time love birds! Please tell us how in Equestria this came to be?" Rarity asked.
I turned my eyes back toward RD, her own eyes still looking at me, as if she was trying to get me to explain so she didn't have to.
I just turned back and said, "There's too much for a quick explanation. Besides, you guys probably just laugh and say we're crazy."
"Then tell the long version! I just love love stories! Especially long love stories!" Chirped Pinkie.
"I think we should let them be, if that's ok?" Suggested Fluttershy timidly.
"Not a chance Fluttershy. An explanation must be given at once!" Retorted Rarity.
"I agree with Rarity," said AJ. "Dash, Pyrefly, y'all better start talking, or I'll hog tie ya, hang ya from a tree by yer hooves, and buck ya till ya do."
This threat scared me, and Applejack looked like a mare that followed through on her threats. I met Dash's eye's again.
"They're more your friends than mine right now, so would you care to do the honors?" I asked the beautiful mare resting in my forelegs.
"Fine," RD said jokingly, rolling her eyes for effect.
And so we filled the mares in on what occurred the previous night, which lead to what the group of friends now saw before them.
"So, There you have it," I said. "That's how me and RD went from at each other's throats to at each other's lips. For lack of better words."
An awkward silence hung in the air. The tension could be cut with a knife.
"Well," Twilight started. "This quite a turn about."
"I'll say," stammered Applejack.
"I say, this is a real hard story to believe, if I do say so myself." Added Rarity.
"I don't care what you guys think, say, or do," Dash said defiantly. "Before I spent yesterday afternoon talking to Pyrefly, I never would have thought something like this would ever happen to me. But for the first time, I found somepony that makes me more comfortable to be around than anyone else."
"We didn't think anything," Twilight said quickly, looking at the others, receiving nods of agreement from all of the, except Pinkie, she was still off in her own world. Twilight continued, "It's just how sudden this all is."
Suddenly Pinkie sprang back to life, balloons and confetti shooting out of no where once again.
"Who cares how sudden this is! We need to throw a humongous party to celebrate this momentous occasion! Dashie has a coltfriend! And he's a celebrity too!" Pinkie yipped in excitement.
"What in the hay is going on here?" Someone called out from behind Twilight and the others. Ice Dancer wiggled her way between Fluttershy and Applejack. When she got through, she noticed Rainbow and I hugging each other closely. Her jaw fell open for a second, but the look on her face was quickly replaced by an intense glare of anger and fury.
"Brother! What is going on? Why are you hugging Rainbow Dash like that? What is going on? Tell me now!" She screamed.
"Ice Dancer!" I said with a start. "I don't know what you're thinking, but let me explain. Just head home, and I'll explain-"
"SHUT UP!" Ice Dancer shouted. "We were just getting use to living here by ourselves, and suddenly you're clutching onto somepony you just met. Not to mention I haven't made a single friend yet, and already you're surrounded by five other mares! I don't want to wait till you come home to hear an excuse, I want the truth NOW!"
"Now, now sugar cube. I know this is sudden, even we're confounded by all this. But let your big big bro fill ya in?" Pleaded Applejack.
I could feel a chill begin to envelope our small group.
"Ice, I think you need to calm down and chill out and listen." I said, carefully sliding out of RD's embrace, trying to talk some sense into my enraged little sister.
"That's a very poor choice of words, Pyrefly." Commented Ice Dancer, the aura around her horn intensifying, drastically cooling the air around us. "You always do this," she said. "You always get caught up with some random mare and completely forget about me!"
"Oh come on!" I started, getting fired up myself. "That was one time. After mom and dad died, I was hurt more than I let you see. I needed somepony other than my own sister to be with to help numb the pain of losing them. I'm sorry i got carried away. Everypony in Equestria has done something like that. I'm sorry that it happened the way it did. But I swore it would never happen again."
"BUT IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN!" She screamed, willing the temperature around us to drop even more than before.
"Listen, kiddo," Rainbow said, breaking her silence and walking up to stand beside me. "I can assure you, Pyrefly wont abandon you. Alright?" She donned a warm smile, hoping to levitate the hanging tension.
"I know he won't," Ice Dancer said, a devious smile creeping across her face. "There's no way he'd be able to be with an ice cube." And with that, a flash of light erupted from her horn. When our eyes regained their sight, Ice Dancer was gone, yet the frigid air still lingered.
'What did she just do?' I asked myself before turning my head to see just what it was. Standing beside me, frozen solid, was Rainbow Dash.
Well, that move was pretty cool.
Why is he a celebrity, did he beat rainbow or something?
1733654
you'll have to read my other story to know that. It's called The Comet and The Rainbow.
Lack of editing? Check.
Self-insert Gary Stu OC? Check.
Plot that revolves entirely around author wish-fulfillment? Check.
I'll never understand why people post their masturbatory fantasies for the public to view.
Ah, well. Downvoted and on to the next one.
1734312
maybe reading my first story before making any negative comments please. Thank you for reading though.
1734382
I haven't read the whole thing, I admit, but I did take a look at the first chapter out of sheer curiosity. My opinions remain unchanged.
Alright, it seems that people don't really like this fic Let's see why!
> Reads
Alrighty, here's the deal. I highly reccomend you find a good editor, or at least use a proofreading program. I see too many grammatical errors to point out each and every one of them, and while they are minor, for example, not putting a space after a comma, they do become noticable as you read on.
Second, which this is the biggest problem, is your OC. He is very generic, and doesn't really show anything unique, nothing really stands out about him. He seems like one of those OCs everyone complains about, the kind that seems better than everypony else. This isn't a very good idea to do. I'll admit, it's difficult to make an OC that stands out (in a good way) but this is not the correct route to take.
Overall, the story isn't too good, at least from what I've read. I'm not hating, it still can be saved, you just need to edit your work, and maybe make your OC lees over-powering. Good luck!
- The Gentle Colt, TWE's crusader of pure love and tolerance.
1734407
well. Thank you for the honesty, but if you could give it a full read and then another review, than I'll take you're critique.
1734457
thank you for the review. I assume you read the first part, and if so, I will take your critique to heart.
1734502
Sorry, but I'm not particularly interested in reading any more of a story that you clearly put very little effort into. I find it very hard to believe that it gets any better past the first chapter, particularly considering that this fic has the same issues. So either the issues are consistent throughout, or you got better, then got worse again.
I think the ratio of upvotes to downvotes up there should be all the indicator you need that the fic has problems and needs improvement. To clarify, here's my advice:
-Familiarize yourself with the rules of English grammar and punctuation. Follow them.
-Edit your work before posting it. Edit it again. Continue editing it until you no longer want to look at it. Give it to someone else and have them point out errors. Fix all the problems they notice. Repeat.
-Don't make a Gary Stu OC. Common traits of a Gary Stu OC include: being best friends with the Mane 6, being in a relationship with one (or more) of the Mane 6, being better than a canon character at their defining trait, being very attractive, being very charming, strange coloration, abnormal/no cutie mark, Alicorn.
-Don't name the OC after yourself, or in any way attempt to insert yourself into the story. Roughly one person cares about your adventures in Equestria: you. If that's what you want to write, you may want to just keep it to yourself.
Feel free to listen, or not. Your call.
1734581 Wow, well then I better take down my story because it revolves around me and my friends. Though we aren't OP, quick relationship development does occur with the 6. I don't know though...
Now to read this story... Honestly, it cannot be that bad... *Prepares himself for an edit.
Edit: Puns! So many hilarious puns! I'm not voting either way though.
All I can really say here is GOODLUCK!
Why does this have so much hate? it had so much hate before the first chapter was posted! looks like some people are being pessimistic.
If I might add a couple of things to the critiques already posted:
I would encourage you to add a lot more showing to go with the telling- meaning, you tell us who said what a LOT, and then there's a little bit of telling us who is doing what. Instead, try to describe the actions, gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Ice Dasher gets angry- show us this by describing her standing tensely, shaking with fury, tail lashing, stopmping hooves, etc. Ears are very expressive on ponies/horses, and head position can be used to convey unspoken emotion as well. Ponies in FiM have very expressive eyes and muzzles, so use that as well.
Less dialogue, or at least a smaller ratio of dialogue-to-story. This story is roughly half dialogue, so it quickly becomes a babble of voices as I try to read it. This ties in with 'show rather than tell' anyway.
Your story starts as if it were a chapter from the middle or end of your other story, so it is instantly confusing for anyone who has not read the other. This might be acceptable for a sequel, but there's no indication for the reader that this is the case here. I literally had NO CLUE what had happened, and the refusal of the characters to explain it (and even worse, sweeping it under the rug) makes it worse- it was annoying to be kept in the dark. If you want to tell a story about a relationship, you have to give at least SOME details. Two ponies suddenly being together is not interesting; two ponies who overcame some significant obstacle or interpersonal conflict can become interesting.
I see what you tried to do with filling in the backstory to explain ID's anger, but it sort of makes the OC seem like a lech or a user. Rather than try to present that old conflict solely through dialogue it would be better to do some actual exposition, or have a character EXPLAIN what happened.
I second (third?) the comment that you need to get some help editing- it will help IMMENSELY, especially if you can find someone to bounce ideas off of. Another suggestion I would have is to do some intensive reading and focus learning the mechanics of putting a story together. Good luck!
looks like Dash finally got 20 percent cooler
What's with all the instant dislikes anyway? that's pretty messed up considering how great this is written
1738635
Thanks very much for the support. a ray of light always brightens a dreary day. a rainbow doesn't hurt either. lol. /)
WHAAT?!?: That's really mean for a little filly!