Ch. 14 - Basic Mothering Instinct
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Basic Mothering Instinct
Princess Celestia was an extremely well-informed leader, quite nearly the most informed leader Equestria had ever seen on the throne of Canterlot. She devoured reports the way starving ponies ate cupcakes, went through every weekly status report from the various embassies by herself each week, read news articles, magazines⁽*⁾ and scandal sheets with great enthusiasm, and did the crosswords perfectly. In ink.
(*) Including those magazines. But just for the articles.
—
The only better-read pony in all of the lands was her sister Luna, who was working tirelessly to catch up with a thousand years of backlogged newspaper subscriptions⁽¹⁾ in addition to the same reading Princess Celestia did each day. It was well known that both Princesses read all kinds of newspapers, magazines, scandal sheets, and even the odd racing form. What was not well known is they also read student-run school papers, in particular, the Foal Free Press.⁽²⁾
(1) And letters to editors, some of whom had been dead for centuries, but still needed a proper response to their foolish ideas.
(2) Ever since what has been known as “The Cake Fiasco” in 1304 A.D. (After diet)
—
Princess Celestia turned a page on her morning newspaper.
She took another sip of tea, and turned another page.
The air barely quivered with a tiny noise only detectable by irritable yappy dogs and specially trained palace servants. The Day Steward, Proper Place, dunked his quill in his inkwell and prepared to take a note. For over forty years, he had been at the side of the Princess, rain or shine or unearthly invasion of unmentionable evil abominations from the depths of Tartarus. Nothing surprised him⁽³⁾ anymore. Carefully composed notes from the Princess in his hornwriting had shifted millions of tons of steel in Fillydelphia, sent zeppelins filled with Royal Guard to the far corners of Equestria, brought food aid to hungry ponies and even had organized the massive Lunar Remodeling that had swept over the castle once Princess Luna had returned. He was ready for anything.
(3) Except Pinkie Pie, which is understandable.
—
There was a tiny clink as the Princess placed her Yixing teacup down on the matching saucer, but before she could say a word, the doors to the study burst open and Princess Luna came trotting in, towing a veritable blizzard of newspaper pages magically behind her.
“My sister, have you seen this? Do you know what it means?”
“Yes, Luna.” Turning to Proper Place, Princess Celestia nodded. “Please see that Captain Shining Armor is restricted to Canterlot for the next few weeks. Clear my schedule for tomorrow and see that my chariot is prepared for a trip. I feel like taking some air.”
“Very well, Your Highness. Will you be attending the Running of the Leaves in Ponyville during your morning air?” The scratching of Proper Place’s pen never stopped as Princess Celestia gave him a sideways glance.
“Possibly. You may be excused.”
“Thank you, Your Highness. I shall go make preparations for your trip. Please pass our best wishes to your favorite student and the young tutor on behalf of the entire staff.” The elderly unicorn trotted away with a spring in his step that defied his advanced age.
“Some days I think we’re the last ponies on the face of the planet to find out current events,” said Princess Celestia with a sigh. “So what is bothering you this beautiful morning, little sister?”
Luna waved the student newspaper irritably. “I’m out fifty bits.”
* * *
Green Grass squinted in the morning sunlight that poured through the door as the little dragon walked into his wagon. “Hey, Spike! Glad you could make it again. Thanks for volunteering to help me put my thesis back together again.”
“Hey, no problem. I’ve been picking up behind Twilight’s mess for years.” The little dragon took a look around the tidy wagon’s living quarters/library/study. “I still can’t believe she actually cleaned up for a change, and that’s the problem? I wish I could get her to do that around our library.”
A pained chuckle was the only way Green Grass could respond. “Well, I’ll admit it looked pretty bad. Why is it the female of any species is unable to look at a couple dozen open books on the floor and a hundred pages of notes scattered around them without seeing clutter?”
“Maybe because they weren’t her books? Oh, you have cookies!”
“Help yourself. The bad part is I’m not quite sure where to start. I feel like I’m looking at a plate full of scrambled eggs, trying to figure out how to make chickens.” Green Grass pulled out the two drawers full of notes and scowled at his bookshelves. “I can’t even remember exactly which books I had down.”
Spike scratched a fin while looking at the bookshelves. “I bet Twilight knows a spell that could find them. She’s the most powerful unicorn in Equestria; something like this would be easy.”
“No! Look, Spike. I’ve screwed up her life enough, and vice versa. I put my thesis together by myself once, I can do it again.” Green Grass looked at the drawers full of neatly stacked papers and shoved them back into the cabinet. “It took me six months the first time. I suppose I can wait a few more days. What do you say we go catch breakfast somewhere? I can tell you all about how the Dragons were involved in the Battle of Pericorn Heights, and how they factored in the eventual treaty between the Griffons and Princess Celestia while we eat. I’m buying.”
* * *
Fall in the greenhouse is a busy time of year, as certain varieties of roses were pulled inside to overwinter in frost-free environments, and some covered with mulch. Roseluck was carefully walking Tootsie Flute through the differences between heading cuts and thinning cuts for the fall pruning of her rosebushes, while Green Grass was supervising Dinky and Snips’ attempt at a bonsai evergreen tree.
They were improving by leaps and bounds. This third tree was still looking vaguely tree-like and had at least a good chance of surviving if quickly planted and watered. The victims of the student pruning were all overgrown landscaping trees that had outgrown their burlap root balls and would have been thrown out anyway, so there was no great loss, but Green Grass’ mind was miles away as his students trimmed.
“Hey, Mister Green Grass. What were you and Twilight doing that morning our class went to the library?” Snips had a fierce look of concentration on his face as he nipped off one small twig after another inside the evergreen bush Dinky was holding for him, but he still managed to look dangerously curious.
“She wanted to borrow a book from my library.” True, as far as they need to know.
The faint noises of snipping continued, but the bush bobbled a little when Dinky spoke up. “So you’re not sleeping with her?”
“No. She sleeps in the library, and I sleep in my wagon.” All except for one night, and they don’t need to know that either.
“So why was she all wet when she came out of the wagon, and why was the wagon all bouncing and stuff?” Snips had the innocently curious look down perfectly as he asked, but Dinky looked suspiciously embarrassed, as if she knew the answer to the question, but did not want to look overly adult-like to her peer group by saying it.
“Well, my wagon doesn’t have fire protection spells on it like the library, so I keep a bucket of water handy just in case of fires. There was an accident, and some of the water spilled on her.” Technically true again. I meant to throw the whole bucket on her, but I slipped.
“Wait a minute, I heard you kissed her?” Roseluck looked a bit shocked at having actually asked the question herself, and accidentally bumped Tootsie Flute enough that the little filly snipped the entire top out of a rosebush.
He tried not to blush and pass it off as some sort of joke, which was difficult considering just how much Spike had talked about the emotional pain he had put Twilight through. “Once, in her library, but it was a horrible kiss. The fine young mare had the decency not to chastise me for my clumsy and unwelcome efforts in front of my parents—” and my fiancée, but let’s not mention that “—but once they were gone, she dropped me in the fountain as I justly deserved for trying to kiss her.”
A look of universal disgust crossed all the student’s little faces, Snips most of all. “Ewww.”
“So are you two still friends?” asked Dinky, almost dropping the evergreen bush.
“Err...” started the tutor, trailing off with a glance in the direction of the library. “Yeah, I suppose. Once she calms down enough for me to talk to her.” Probably next year.
If he had not been looking at the library, he might have been able to catch the knowing look that was passed around the greenhouse at his knee level between his students.
* * *
“Spike! What do you think you’re doing?” Twilight Sparkle stuck a bookmark in her reading material as the little dragon moved the ladder over to retrieve another book. There was already a tidy little pile to one side, and she glanced over the titles.
“Entropy Enabled? Probability in Poisson Distributions? Is Rainbow Dash looking for another poker strategy? Because at this rate, in a month she’ll just bring her money in and throw it in the middle of the card table with a sign saying ‘Free — Take It.’”
“Very funny, Twilight. I’m helping with a research project for Sparkler. She’s going to see if Green Grass’ thesis can be unscrambled.”
“I don’t know, Spike. Entropy spells can be pretty tricky, and Sparkler is a novice at that kind of spell.” Twilight Sparkle glowered at the pile of books before giving a sigh of resignation. “Would you like me to try?”
“Do you promise not to dunk Green Grass in the fountain again?”
“I dunk him in the fountain one time and you— Okay, twice. But— Well, four times if you count hitting him in the head with that letter, but that was an accident. Him falling in the fountain, not hitting him with the letter.” Twilight tapped one hoof against the desk while thinking.
“No, I can’t do it. Everypony already thinks the two of us are — bleh! — an item. If I go spend time over at his ‘love wagon,’ they’ll just draw more conclusions.” She returned to her reading reluctantly, only casting occasional glances at the books the little dragon was collecting.
* * *
Nights in Ponyville were always quiet, with few evening activities other than Berry’s bar and the occasional all-night dance at the town hall. Still, Twilight Sparkle double-checked to make certain Spike was really asleep before slipping out into the darkness on an errand of curiosity. There was no guilt involved in her trip. None at all. Even though she had dunked him four times in the fountain, while he had only splashed her twice with a bucket. Well, and she had shouted at him, and scrambled six months worth of his work, and gotten dangerously angry at him while he had been… Oh who was she kidding? There was a little spike of guilt buried in her side that itched whenever she thought about the hapless stallion.
I’m just going to make this a short trip. He’s going to apologize for making my life a living— Twilight, stop that. I’m going to apologize for dropping him in the fountain, and he’s going to tell the world that I’m not some amorous bimbo with designs on his… library. Actually, his father’s library. Actually, a subset of his father’s enormous library. And once everypony recognizes that the two of us are not romantically engaged in any way or fashion… his father will try to marry him off again.
Twilight’s hooves slowed until she realized what she was doing, and started trotting through the night again with determination.
It doesn’t matter! His father can marry him off to a manticore for all I care. It had better be a literate manticore, I suppose. Anyway, he declares the two of us are not an item, and I’ll slip into his wagon some night and put all the papers back the way I found them. If I can. There has to be a way to do it, but it’s going to be difficult. Sparkler would probably mess up the spell, maybe even set his house on fire. Which he deserves! But that would upset Sparkler, and maybe even set her magical progress back. That would not be good for Dinky. No, there is no reason to use magic to put his thesis together. He should be able to put the whole thing back together without magic; after all, he put it together without magic in the first place, and ruined a library book doing it!
As she crept up to where the tutor’s wagon was parked next to Berry Punch’s house, she soon realized there were others who were also interested in the nighttime activities of the annoying stallion. There was a small group of fillies precariously perched on the roof of Berry Punch’s porch who were trying to peek into the tutor’s wagon window. Once she cast her eavesdropping spell⁽⁴⁾, the whispered voices of the Cutie Mark Crusaders became crystal-clear.
(4) She preferred to think of it as an Audio Amplification Spell, for Special Situations Only.
—
“Stop pushing.”
“Well, I can’t see in the window?”
“Shh, he’ll hear us.”
“Do you see Twilight in there?”
“No, just him.”
“Is he writing mushy love poetry?”
“No, he just has a stack of papers he’s looking through. I think he’s crying.”
“It must be my test results. I just can’t make more than sparks, no matter how hard I try.”
“Does Green Grass think you can get your cutie mark in magic like Twilight?”
“No, he’s been awfully distracted lately. He grins, then looks sad and stares off into space. It’s weird.”
“Maybe he’s pining. It’s something old ponies are supposed to do when their special somepony isn’t around.”
“Grownups are weird. I’m bored, can we go back inside?”
Twilight remained hiding behind the corner of a building for a while until the little fillies gave up their nighttime espionage, trotting back into Berry’s house for an ongoing sleepover with one of their classmates. What had seemed like a good idea in her library was rapidly turning into a metaphorical mental cliff, and she perched at the metaphorically crumbling edge, looking down at the wagon with real fear at having to speak with him. She was still struggling with the decision when the lights went out in the wagon, and she slowly returned to her own library through the dark streets, lost in her thoughts.
* * *
It was getting quite late in the afternoon before the halls outside of the Royal Study rang to the sounds of armored shoes in a pattern that Princess Celestia had been expecting for hours. The pony wearing those shoes stopped outside the door for some low conversation with the guards, then there was a light tapping at the door.
“Enter,” she called out, concealing her smile by shuffling through the reports she had finished reading some time ago.
Shining Armor opened the door and marched forward formally, drawing himself up to full attention in front of her and saluting. “Your Highness. Captain Shining Armor requesting one day’s leave for personal reasons.”
“Request denied. Will there be anything else, Captain?” Princess Celestia continued sorting through her evening correspondence as if there were nothing unusual about a Guard Captain skipping the entire chain of command to request leave from his sovereign.
“No, Your Highness. May I have your leave to be dismissed?”
Celestia waved a hoof dismissively, and added, “By the way, you will get the same answer from my sister, in the event you were intending on visiting her next.”
Shining Armor stopped in his tracks. “I would never think of circumventing Your Highness’ authority.”
“Nor involving soldiers of mine under your leadership to interfere in the personal relationship of your sister?”
“Uh…” Shining Armor tried hard not to think of Stone Hoof and Axe⁽⁵⁾, who were waiting for him with transportation to Ponyville for a little nighttime ‘talk’ with a certain undesired stallion.
(5) Contrary to his name, Axe was a very peaceful Royal Guard. Whenever he showed up (or loomed up depending on your point of view), whatever disruption or fight that had been going on just tended to evaporate, leaving ponies with missing teeth smiling and shaking hooves while they remarked just how pleasurable the evening air was, and how regretful it was that they had an urgent appointment at the other end of town as soon as they had helped clean up the broken furniture and put the doors back in their frames.
—
Princess Celestia’s warm violet eyes looked up from her correspondence and locked onto Shining Armor’s hapless gaze. “Your sister respects you enough not to pry into your own personal relationships, do you think you can respect her enough not to go physically abuse her young paramour? If her relationship with this young stallion is beneficial, it deserves to be left alone to blossom in the manner they wish. If not—“ Princess Celestia returned to her reports with a tiny frown “—you may deal with the leftovers, if any.”
The young Guard Captain nodded respectfully. “Thank you, Your Highness. Will there be anything else?”
“Just one thing. My niece has been sounding rather cooped up inside the castle as of late. I believe it would do her well to get out this evening for a chariot ride after sunset. Luna has promised a meteor shower in the early hours of night which should be quite entertaining. Do you think you could arrange for a chariot, and a few of the more discretionary guards in our employ to fly it? I was thinking young Stone Hoof and Axe, because they make quite a remarkable⁽⁶⁾ pair.”
(6) Much like matching mountains.
—
“Yes, Your Highness. I believe I can arrange that. Thank you.”
“Very well, then. You are dismissed. Enjoy the flight, but don’t keep the guards up too late. I have need of them in the morning, as well as the chariot.”
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Hahaha! Man I love this story. The conclusions every one is getting too and the foot notes just make it better.
Good story. I'm feeling really bad for him after reading this. He's had all this bad stuff happen to him lately. I sure hope it all gets sorted out in the end. I usually don't read comedies like this for feeling terrible for the main character. Still good stuff will stay tuned.
Oh Shining Armor. You really think there will be much left of the young stallion once Twilight, Celestia, and/or Luna finish working him over should it prove necessary?
I loved Celestia's attempts to take charge here. Obviously she knows that it doesn't matter what the truth is - ponies (like people) tend to believe the stories that entertain them most. I'm also wondering what specifically Luna's bet concerned. I suspect it was 'time until Twilight Sparkle backs into a marriage by accident'. The other possibility is 'Time elapsed before next Twilight Sparkle Psychotic Episode'.
Meanwhile, it seems that Twilight may yet decide to stop it being a misunderstanding. I wonder if the knowledge of this possibility that is making Celestia so serene?
It's like I'm watching a chick flick with ponies that somehow doesn't feel like a chick flick at all
Why do I get the feeling that Luna is calling back those editors' souls from beyond the grave, just to make sure they read her letters?
Oh. The book. The ruined book. That's going to be the cornerstone of his work, isn't it? It's the obvious place to start. She's gonna have to undo her fixing spell on it.
One tiny fix:
> supervising Dinky and Snips attempt
supervising Dinky and Snips' attempt
The feeling that you feel during the end of this is a feeling of irony, Dramitic irony, to be exact. :)
Those first three footnotes made me laugh and giggle a good deal.
Also:
Oh, snaaap!
Well, this can surely only end well. But Twilight needs to stop being such a tsun. XD
This is gold. I've been reading all night and I have no intention of stopping. You might just be the death of me. I'll remember to cite you as my epitaph.
No she isn't. Know why?
Pecking Order.
So, Twilight destroyed 6 months of his work, denies him escape from his parents and an abusive marriage law, dunks him in the fountain 4 times, and now she's going to terrify him with her presence again? So much for friendship...
I'm so glad Celestia put Shining Armor in his place. If I had a girlfriend, she'd have to be absolutely perfect to get me to put up with an abusively protective brother. Celestia's ensuring that Twilight doesn't die a virgin.
5816197 If only she had some close friend, someone older and wiser than her who could provide a little push so that these two could be together in the same room long enough to apologize to each other for their actions. It might even take two older and wiser friends. Perhaps even sisters.
1835893
Because it sounds entirely plausible? Also, I think she might get the idea from Twilight. Definitely something she'd do.
Rereading this after episode 100, and did a double take at the reference to Sparkler volunteering to help out Green Grass
You remind me of Terry Pratchett.
As much as I love this story and its sequels for the writing and humor, every time I read it I can't help wishing that Green Grass and Twilight don't hook up simply out of spite... not spite of them, mind you, but everypony around them.
Twilight's friends would be bad enough already, shipping them with less subtlety than Cutie Mark Crusaders Matchmakers (YAAAAAY!); Shining Armor is a given, given that he's the typical overprotective brother. But both Princesses butting into it with badly veiled threats and hypocrisy on top just makes me bitter about the fact that they actually succeed with it.
I find it disturbing that Twilight is vengeful in her mindset. So far, she is shown to be a wholly unpleasant individual with violent tendencies and the ability to carry out threats against helpless targets (as if an Earth Pony can defend against magic), much like a bully. My disgust with the characters is steadily growing and not by small margins. One would think that after Green Grass had spent time in Ponyville aiding the development of unicorn foals that the residents (Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie) would remember him fondly and maybe even defend him. Nope. They give no fucks if Twilight bullies him and seem to be egging her on. The ONLY character who is not directly antagonistic toward our tutor is Pinkie (she is only incidentally antagonistic). Even Shining Armor is willing to use the Royal Guards as thugs to beat the tar (or worse) out of the poor bastard on supposition and without confirmation. It's sickening.
I am finding this to be more depressing than anything else. I will continue for now, but I am losing hope of any sort of meaningful resolution. Add to that, the fact that Celestia herself wrote a law which effectively allows nobles seemingly absolute control over the lives oc their own children and has not ever revoked such a vile thing bodes particularly poorly on her representation in this story.
This is not to say that the tutor is blameless in the situation, but he seems to be the universe's proverbial whipping boy and is not given any solace. Almost nobody likes or respects him AT ALL, except for a few foals and the teacher and superintendent (or whomever he is) and Spike. Seriously! I would probably chose to live as a fucking hermit than deal with all that cruel bullshit and it's not like anybody would miss him. None of them like him anyway!
8812381
I'm kind of saddened by the fact I can't truthfully disagree with any of that.
I think you mean “off” here.
Considering that he’s Captain of the Royal Guard, which in the show sounded like the top of the food chain, wouldn’t that make Celestia and/or Luna the only ponies he reports to?
I've had this pointed out to me by a military guy. Captain of XYZ is a position which may be held by somebody *other* than a captain, and every blinking branch of the service has a different strategy at it. (Like Captains on a ship. There can only be one Captain, so other captains get downgraded while they're on board.) Modern day example in the Secret Service. The commander of the section directly tasked with protecting the president reports to a superior officer, who reports to another, who reports to the President. Hopping the chain of command is considered less than admirable.
Considering that except for Luna, the only other one to sit on the throne was Discord, the bar is set pretty low.
9480535 Well, you may argue King Bullion and Princess Platinum should fit in there somewhere, but point taken.
Huh, weird cross-plotline temporal discrepancy error. Supposedly it's been a day in Canterlot but nearly half a week in Ponyville...
So what you're telling me is I got the what right. I was just barking up the wrong relationship tree as to the who.
I don’t really know why every depiction of Rainbow Dash as a gambler makes her a terrible one. My headcanon is that her hyper-awareness of her environment while flying means that unless you physically tie her to a chair, to keep her from lifting off just out of habit, she ends up counting the cards, without even realizing it. Not sure how good she is when she’s not flying, though. She might be terrible, then.
... to be fair, how many other leaders have there been on the throne of Canterlot?