I was just playing videogames as usual, but all of a sudden a blue "Police Box" appeared and smashed my TV. After that the boxes door opened and there he stood a brown stallion with a bowtie. He told me why he was there but it sounded like fairytales, but after he showed me the inside of the box, that's when when everything went wrong but also right in a funny way.
First story, that means give constructive criticism. and if you find mistakes such as grammar sorry for that. Also Proofreader needed! And no fitting picture so i choosed this. Now on hiatus!! Cause I got no time writring more i was almost finished wirh chapter two but sorry
Chapters (1)
Finished first chapter hope you like it
Read and criticise
Even if you don't have a proof-reader, it helps to go over the story yourself. Decent concept, but the entire premise is written in a sort of juvenile way. Too dull and bland, the Doctor's personality, the main character's personality. Blech. I recommend finding someone to read this over and to either do a complete overhaul or start anew.
hmmmm
A Pinkie train is acoming!
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Is there a line missing here? Just tryin' to help.
1. The Doctor is what he calls himself, making it his name. This means you need to capitalize it in the title, like right now.
2. TARDIS is an acronym, therefore each letter needs to be capitalized. This is similar to CEO or SWAT.
3. I seriously recommend not using capslock for shouting. An exclamation point is plenty.
4. the word "I" always needs capitalization. I've noted three separate instances where you didn't. I'm assuming it's a problem.
5. Spelling is another issue I noticed enough that you need to give it a once over.
6. Try not to start your sentences with "but" or "and" unless it's someone speaking.
7. You spelled brain incorrectly, and I don't think it needs to be capitalized. I thought it was his name until he said his name was Brink.
8. Thinking is done in italics, not apostrophes.
9. ( "Yes actually", ) The comma in this case goes inside the apostrophes. Ex. "Yes actually," It does this in every situation like this.
10. Brink goes from pissing himself in terror to chasing The Doctor into his time machine. Emotions usually shouldn't right themselves this quickly without a god reason.
That's ten things I think. Well, I'm off.
Idea is good, but try to improve your writing style.
Okay thanks for the feedback
And sorry for all the mistakes I'm not good at writing in English. And if somebody woild like to help me a bit it would be really great
And I'm still looking for a proofreader sooo...
1772105 No but it moved a bit and I rushed at this point so it may looks like a missing line sorry for that.
1775340
Ok