Chapter 3- To The Victor Goes The Spoils?
The Comet an The Rainbow
To The Victor Goes The Spoils?
The following morning brought race time, and I was ready to go. I was feeling better than I had in a long time. This race would be the best one I have ever raced. And to tell the truth, win or lose, I already got first place. All because of last night. All because I had Rainbow Dash in my life. Because now, I know I love her. And she loves me, at least I hope its love.
I arrived at the starting line out front of Futtershy's cottage. RD was already there, ready to take off.
"Morning Pyrefly." Dash said, greeting me with her glowing magenta eyes, and a warm smile.
'What beautiful eyes she has. I thought for no reason.'Why didn't I notice them yesterday? Maybe because she was either ready to kill me, ready to cry, or had them closed while she was kissing me. Oh well, I noticed them now, and that's all that matters. I wonder If she's told her friends about last night? Well if she did or didn't, its her call. I pulled myself out of my thoughts and finally responded to my opponent for the day.
"Morning RD, you ready to do this?" I asked, Even though I already know the answer.
"You can bet your plot I am!" She responded with a laugh.
At that moment, Twilight walked up in a black and white striped shirt, stood between Dash and me, and levitated a white napkin into the air with her magic.
"Before we begin, I would like to point out that due to the pattern of this shirt-" Twilight began before Rarity chimed in.
"The most horrid pattern I have ever used mind you!"
Twilight disregarded the comment and continued," I have spoken to Zecora, and have been assured that this shirt is not in any way offensive to her.
At that, I glanced over at Rainbow and asked, "Who is Zecora and why would a referee shirt be offensive?"
Dash answered, "Zecora is a zebra that lives in the Everfree Forest. She's a real good friend of our and is the towns go to pony for medicine and advice."
I was able to get out an, "Oh, ok." Just as Twilight was finishing whatever it was she was talking about, and then she started the count down.
"On your mark, get set, and -"
The moment the word "Go," left her mouth, Rainbow and I were gone. I couldn't believe just how fast RD really was, In a few minutes, we were flying over Town Hall. But at this point, I could feel a familiar tug in my stomach. A tug that told me I was almost ready to go full speed, ready for the "Big Bang", as so many of my fans had called it. But I had to hold off. I glanced next to me to see Rainbow still effortlessly keeping speed with me.
'I need to wait till after the U-Turn to go full speed.' I thought to myself. 'If not, i might lose control and wipe out.'
Yet, just as this thought crossed my mind, Dash shot out a head of me, leaving a trailing rainbow in her wake and an ever expanding multicolored ring from the place she rocketed from.
'So that is the famous Sonic Rainboom, ha?' I thought as I recomposed my self after the shock. And that's when I saw the u-turn come up. RD made it effortlessly, not even bothering to slow down. 'Well, i guess it's time to turn up the heat!
As I entered the turn, I felt my body relax, simply slicing through the air like a knife. The moment I made the turn, I let it all go. I accelerated with such speed that my body was enveloped by a corona of fire, created by my speed generating so much friction in the air that the Hydrogen and Oxygen molecules burst into flames. This was it, the secret to all of my success. I called this little show "The Cosmic Comet." Rainbow may have had the Sonic Rainboom, but like a real shooting star, I was back to flying next to her in seconds. I notice her look over at me for a moment an she had a look of complete disbelief in her eyes. And just to have a little more fun, I did a few corkscrews around her and her rainbow trail.
As we passed over town again, I noticed Dash becoming increasingly unsteady as she flew on. And then, out of no where, she just started to fall out of the sky.
"Shoot!" I said aloud.
I quickly dropped in speed, turned around and fired off again, flying just below "Comet Speed". Luckily, i was able to catch her on my back before she hit the ground and become nothing more than a crater in the center of town.
After the daring rescue, I found a near by bench and laid her down on it, and then sat down beside her, hoping she came to. As I watched over her, Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie, all came running up towards us. Looks of concern plastered on their faces.
"Oh my, is Rainbow alright, Pyrefly darling?" Asked Rarity.
"We weren't able to see what happened after she fell." Twilight added. "You were able to save her, right?"
"Yeah" I answered. "But I really want to know is why did she fall out of the sky to begin with, she is way too good a flyer for that to happen with out a cause."
'Stupid,' I thought, 'You just let it slip that you knew about her skill as a flyer! Now they're gonna call you a creep and never trust you.' But then I stopped and thought again. 'You know what, I don't care if I let it slip. The only thing I care about is that Dash is alright.'
"Wait one apple picking minute!" Applejack started. "I thought ya said ya had no idea who in the hay Rainbow Dash was before yesterday at the party?"
I looked at Rainbow's friends and gave a smile of defeat. "I'm glad somepony caught my little slip there. Yes, before the party, I knew about her, but only because the Wonderbolts asked my opinion of her when they came and paid their respects at my parents funeral, which is the reason my sister and I moved away from Coltston in the first place. After I turned down their offer to move us to Canterlot and to join the team, they asked me to come here and report to them Dash's development as a flyer, cause after all, the want her to mature a little more before they give her the invite. But Dash doesn't know that part, and I need it to stay that way, at least till she's ready. Alright?"
They all looked at each other, and nodded. "Not a problem." Twilight said for the group.
"This is GREAT!" Screamed Pinkie Pie in bliss.
Suddenly, Rainbow started to come to. "Aah..." She moaned as she began stir.
"Dash, you alright hun?" asked Applejack.
"You had us all scared to death." Whispered Fluttershy.
"Pyrefly saved you," reported Twilight.
Hearing that, Dash looked up at me. Our eyes met and I gave her a goofy smile.
"You saved me?" She asked in awe and disbelief.
"Yeah, I did." I answered, my face instantly flooded by red.
And out of nowhere, she pounced on top of me and kissed me right in front of all her friends. Gasps of shock erupted from everyone, except Pinkie Pie. who just stood there grinning foolishly.
"Rainbow!" Shouted everyone in unison.
When RD finally withdrew, she caught my gaze and we looked deeply into each others eyes.
"Pyrefly," Rainbow said quietly, "Thank you. Thank you for coming into my life."
"My pleasure RD." I responded, "and thank you, for making me happier than I've been in a long time."
"What is going on here!" Cried the shocked group of friends.
"THIS CALLS FOR A PARTY!" Yelled Pinkie Pie, balloons and confetti flying out of no where.
Author's Note
This is the conclusion to my introduction of Pyrefly into the Fim Timeline. Part 2 -Fire, Ice, and a Rainbow will be posted soon. Thank you for reading this and, please don't be shy about the comments. I'd love to hear what you all have to say. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. /) Later!
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I luvz it MOAR!!!
1726245
Thanks! More will surly come soon!
when i heard this story would be only 3 chapters i was like
but then i read the authors note at the end and i was like
1726809
I'm glad you liked it so much.
Mmmhmm.
Great story. This series will be good, I can tell.
I await the return...
The lack of negative comments about this story is disturbing. It seems to have slipped under the radar.
Never fear, citizens! I'm here to save the day by bringing negativity to a poor story!
I'm not going to mention minor grammar or spelling mistakes here, although there don't seem to be very many.
Spell out numbers, percentage signs, and other such things; it makes your story look more professional.
"I'm so sorry for your loss... it's always a tragedy when someone as young as you two have to deal with the deaths of your parents. By the way! Wanna join our stunt team?"
The most obviously glaring problem with your story is your characters. Who are they? What do Ice Dancer and Pyrefly want out of life? What are their likes, their dislikes? What are their flaws and strengths? What are their dreams? I don't know anything about your characters except that they used to live in a place called Coltston. I don't get an understanding of who they are through your story, and because of that I don't care about them.
Now, because the focus of the story is Pyrefly, I'm going to mainly focus on him too. First off, his character in general:
He comes across as a sullen asshole. Unless you want us to dislike the main character, he has to have some redeeming features.
Let me make this clear. The Wonderbolts are a very prestigious group. They are the best there is. They're the ones everyone talks about, the ones that are called on as a rapid-response team when shit hits the fan. What makes your pathetic little OC so amazing that he's talented enough to join them, and refuses? This is the culmination of many pegasi's lives; why does he turn them down? This goes back to having a flat character; maybe he wants to avoid the spotlight (doubtful, given his earlier outburst), or maybe he wants to protect his sister, but we don't know. Rainbow never mentions the fact that he just passed on her dream job and we never find out why.
And they're taking hiring advice from him. He hasn't ever met Rainbow Dash, he's just heard all the tall tales about her. What kind of insight could he possibly give them?
*BAM*
You hear that sound, Pyrefly_91? That's the sound of the final nail getting hammered into your Mary Sue coffin. You have an OC who turns down an invitation from the Wonderbolts, gives them hiring advice, and gets Rainbow to fall in love with him in a few hours after meeting her. He has no personality or motivations; he's just a vessel for your own desires. He gets exactly what he wants without effort or mishap and is better than Rainbow Dash in pretty much every way.
My final verdict is that this is just another boring OCxMane Six story with no redeeming qualities. I have no idea how everyone missed this one.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
I'm sorry, but I need to call bullshit on something here.
I accelerated with such speed that my body was enveloped by a corona of fire, created by my speed generating so much friction in the air that the Hydrogen and Oxygen molecules burst into flames.
You fail chemistry and physics. Oxygen won't do that and if there's hydrogen in the atmosphere there then you don't want to be breathing that in the first place.
I think the concept you wanted to use was "Ram Pressure". This is what causes things to burn up in the atmosphere. But even then, you're really stretching things since this would also cause your self-insert OC to burst into flames as well.
2079351 Sorry for being so late with a reply, but seriously dude? You're throwing science at me? This is a fictional story in a fictional universe where magic is real and a rainbow maned pegasus can simultaneously break the sound barrier and the light spectrum, live and leave a rainbow trail behind her. Come on guy, really?
2091952
Hey choose whatever bullshit you want, it's your story but you fail when it comes to science. I'm sure it sounded really good and sciencey when you were writing it but I'm saying that if you change it to "ram pressure" then the abilities of your self-insert Gary Stu OC suddenly makes more sense.
Of course, regardless of which reason you choose he'd burn up when he tried this move but you can always handwave it away with whatever other crap you want to use. Debesh Unnos gave a good little critique of your story, I'm just pointing out a huge flaw in your reasoning. If you truly want, I'll go through this chapter by chapter and let you know the rest of the problems you have. I can start by pointing out that you totally misspelled the title.
"The Comet and the Raindow"?
Raindow?
Raindow?!?!
3276978 Thanks. Its been a long while since I've gotten some positive feed back on this particular one. So again, thanks. I hope you enjoy all the rest as well.
3278250
/10
I did enjoy this and I will read the others soon.