Doctor/Professor Whooves VS Nightmare Moon

Doctor Is traveling in the TARDIS with Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike, when the TARDIS malfuncions and the group winds up in an alternate universe, where they meet themselves as the opposite gender (the Girl version of the Doctor calling herself the Professor) Princess Celestia sees the signs that Nightmare Moon is returning, and sends the Doctor a message via the TARDIS. When Doctor is informed, he realizes it's going to take more than the Elements of Harmony to defeat her. So he turns to Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, the boy versions of them, the girl version of Spike, and the Professor to band together to bring down the evil that is Nightmare's Eternal Night

Also includes my Oc, Rock Hard

Chapters (4)

Chapter One: Enter the Professor and friends · 15th Jan 2012 · 367 words
367
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 2: A Confession, and A distress call · 15th Jan 2012 · 701 words
701
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 3: A War and a Goodbye · 17th Jan 2012 · 941 words
941
Download .txt
Download .html
Eplloge: The End · 17th Jan 2012 · 42 words
42
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 6 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 6
- Newest First
- Oldest First

JoJoMcD1

JoJoMcD1 #1 · Jan 13th, 2012 · · · Chapter One: Enter the Professor and friends ·

rule 63 dr whooves? YES PLEASE. this should be good. *tracking*

Taranasauruso_o

Taranasauruso_o #2 · Jan 13th, 2012 · · · Chapter One: Enter the Professor and friends ·

Ok, uh, this seems like a good idea, but there are a few things you gotta change.

1. Speech. You need a new line for every different speaker.

Example: "But... but I l-love you," Twilight murmured, her bottom lip trembling. "I know Twi, and I loved you too, but these things change." I took a step forward, lifting my hoof up to her shoulder. "No!" she screamed, throwing my hoof from her shoulder. "I-it's not true!" she screamed, running from the room. I heard her heavy sobs echo throughout the hall, dying slowly as she faded from view.

See how this is hard to read?

Fix: "But... but I love you," Twilight murmured, her bottom lip trembling.

"I know Twi, and I thought I loved you too, but these things change." I took a step forward, lifting my hoof up to her shoulder.

"No!" she screamed, throwing my hoof from her shoulder. "I-it's not true!" she screamed, running from the room. I heard her heavy sobs echo turlough the hall, dying slowly as she faded from view.

I can read it now!

2. You have quite a few run on sentences, I would point them out, but it would take too long. Go back over your story and read each sentence aloud, just to be sure.

Have fun, and don't stop writing!