We trusted Him. We thought he had changed, but in the end he betrayed us all...
Chapters (1)
Brony2893
Joined 12th Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Regidar · 1.8k words · 384 15 · 5.8k views
- Quite Quiet · 8k words · 12 0 · 690 views
- Starlight Shadow · 1k words · 67 5 · 2.5k views
- Masterweaver · 1.6k words · 15 1 · 698 views
- LiveLife · 3.8k words · 30 1 · 1.9k views
- Fantastic Tales · 11k words · 11 1 · 717 views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.205 seconds
Total duration
1,007 users online
2,107,093 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
=====Author's Notes=====
Man, talk about fun in the sun
I'm a terrible person ;_:
Yeah, had this story in the works since November of 2012. Sat on the cover image and idea for a long time, then random motivation hit, and this was the result of 3 days of keyboards mashing.
Yeah so?
If you were carving into a f
cking rock, I doubt you'd have enough presence of mind to bother indenting. She wasn't quite all there.
It's called a new style. A style I thought looked passable
The bold implies she was applying force through anger. Like you would in real life.
Because life.
Not good enough for you?
Because she makes the best stories
God bless you, Overdramatic Questioning Rarity. You make my life easier
Don't forget to rate and comment
Dammit now I'm sad
Well written good sir!
The makes me feel walnine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/beautiful-wallpaper-sad.jpg
Deep.
Eh. Good try, but my face is still dry.
Sad? More like a memoir of my WWII uncle. All respect to him though.
3946756
You know you like itcdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tssmug.png
3946793
Quick fic, quick proofreading. Go.
… “for a time being until” – “a time being” should just be “a time”.
(And don't you even dare justify this with "It works better than if she says it": She should at least state how it's too painful to recall, let alone set in stone. 
)
… “Without a sinister grin” - Considering they’re dealing with “Him”…
maaretta.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/creep012-powerpuff-girls.jpg
I’d say it’s pretty obvious it SHOULD be “With a sinister grin”.
… “rest is too painful to” – This just cuts off.
… “And with it went the pony destined to control it. The only pony left on this sun-blasted rock is similarly linked.” – The “is similarly linked” makes this sound like the sentence was meant to go on, unless you meant “was similarly linked”.
… “surface in hope I would” – ‘in hope’ should be ‘with hope that’.
… “my long awaited” – Place a hyphen between ‘long’ and ‘awaited’.
… “write. Turns out my” – Consider replacing “Turns out” with “I suppose”.
Sadly, I won't spare you with a quick review.
The story had its points, but was far from being worthy of the theme you'd given it. For an apocalyptic scenario, you made her of ridiculously sound mind for most of this. Taking what happened to Luna ALONE, the worst it says is that she was mortally wounded, until the last notes of the fic where her fate is established. She could have noted how she had to bury her sister, create a makeshift grave, etc., which would have actually made sense to add given there's only 3 others in her life she has anymore: Her sister, Philomena, and Him, two of which have their fates listed quite clearly.
This... this was a story that could have probably been a lot more than it WAS. By the end, it sounds like she's just taking an obsidian statue all over the world as she searches, yet one thing I notice is a massive absence of self-hate. Lastly, I cannot begin to state my shame in how this didn't state how Celestia had gone through much of her life without directly dealing with the problems that had plagued her country, and now she finds that there's no one but her left to determine what is right and wrong, and only she can truly carry out these decisions. Though minor, it could've painted tremendous character for her, considering that's what she's always done, as opposed to what she's left to do in this story.
What would I rate this? DEFINITELY worth a read (for how short it is), but the pacing, selective sections of no emphasis where there could be, and the abrupt end left open to interpretation yet seemingly obvious in tone, seems like it hinders this from being worthy of approval, let alone favoriting by others.
Sounds like Discord... so why isn't he tagged?
3947077
You haven't read it yet have you?
3947088 Nope, I just looked on the description. But seriously, whoever the destroyer is, why aren't they tagged?
3947102
To make people read it.
i.imgur.com/R3ZqEqe.gif
jebus, thats dark
She's deluding herself if she thinks she'll find anypony still alive. She is Z-ONE now.
3947111 an interesting tactic... no bad. You win this round.
...That was something.
Not bad, well written revenge.
3947054
Fixed cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-psalute.png
I blame most of those on Gdocs
Hm... well, things between Celestia and Him got really heated, didn't they? I mean, he burned her, big time. Now that you think about it, it should have been radiantly obvious that this was coming. But now, poor Tia can never have a son. But it's okay, 'Him' got his hide tanned. Now Celestia's fiery rage is sated, and she no longer feels the urge to scorch His face. She really- I"M MAKING SUN PUNS OKAY! If you haven't gotten it yet, then just go. Sorry for the puns.
SPOILERS
Well this was a nice story but I really don't think that Discord would do this. He may be the god of Chaos but as shown in the show he more of a trickster than evil.
That being said I find it way too hard to read stories like this about Celestia. I need to skip lines, come back to lines. I need to pull every trick in the book to get myself to read it. It was an interesting read.
This is a great story. The main inaccuracy that I can think of is that Discord wouldn't want a flaming wasteland. He would want something with surprises and chaos and change around every corner. That sounds kind of like the exact opposite. I suppose that he could have been mad with power and all that or maybe all the hell spawn are close enough for unpredictability but still.
3948197 would you consider writing a sequel to this? i genuinely think that there should be
PS. THIS STORY WAS FUCKING AWESOME
3949727
Unless he lost control, and things spiraled beyond what he thought he had power over
3950177
I would think that he would know that he let go of the reins once he unlocked the gates of Tartarous with all of the demons and all that. There isn't much else he would have to have control over to be able to control how he controls the wasteland.
what did i just experience
Well, that was certainly depressing...
...now if you'll excuse me, I have some nukes to launch and a planet to subjugate to my will.
That incredibly sad...
This deserves a like. This author deserves a follow.
Very good story! Very sad...Poor Celly.
Hmm, reminds me of a story from the SCP site. Visions of a Better World. The part with the Penitent one. Sad story. Mind, that whole site is freaking sad. Still, this is an interesting tale, and well told.
I was excited thinking you would introduce some new person but this was still good.
3949727
I agree after all life is change and you cant have chaos with out change. A sun burned lifeless rock of a world is anything but Chaotic.
To lose it all to a trusted friend
To watch your home come to an end
Sanity slipping, but feeling no pain
Hope killed, buried and slain
But still she walks this lonely earth
The place she loved, the place of birth
The lives she kept, the lives of love
Lives dead from a little shove
Of the sun, the source of life
Now the cause of death and strife
As hell's gates opened and released
The monsters on life and love to feast
But still she walks, holding false hope
Holding the facade to avoid the rope
As she wanders alone forever more
Waiting to be able to enter, death's welcoming door.
~Black Sun Eclipse
3947111
thanks for not tagging, I have issues with some story where the tags spoiled the final reveal
A well written piece, most certainly. Definitely worth a like. Kudos to you, sir
It's odd to see Celestia give not even a consideration to mercy. I mean, neither would any sane being in those circumstances, but... then again, one could suppose that only carries all the more meaning.
Walk the wastes, Celestia. You will, in time, find it as barren as your soul will become should you linger.
Question...who was Him? -Rubs chin- Good story by the way! A WAZZUP RD for you~
Keh heh heh!!!
Ah, the suffering of ponies... is there a greater joy that that?
3953946
Welcome. I was going to, but thought it'd spoil it and get less attention
3954306
Who does that sound like to you
3950777 NOT IF I DO IT FIRST! (we meet again)
Damn... Just... Damn...
Eh... I really like the idea behind this, but it was VERY tell-y: "Here is what happened. It has happened. The end."
Also, an idea of this magnitude felt extremely rushed... before I could really get a handle on any emotions you were trying to go for, it was over.
I'm not gonna say this is a BAD fic, not at all.. the writing is good, the emotions are there, and the story behind it is one that I would love to see explored a lot further. There is a ton of potential here... but at the same time, this fic didn't really excite me or hook me like I wish it would have.
Just my 2 cents, anyway.
3955512
Where did we meet bef- oh no... I have insulted a nemesis... now we're forced to forever wander this earth until one of us dies....
Srsly though, what other story did we meet on?
Plz write a part 2. This story is dark, sad, and amazing but it could never compare to my little dashie. No offense.
3957271
Aww, that's too bad, 'cause that's what I was goin' for... 1,700 word story to just usurp the throne of sorrow My Little Dashie plagued upon the world.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/1/16/523/thumb.png
Edit: Man, somebody went a little downvote-happy on my comments.
Have fun being mad, random butthurt person
Beautiful. Just Beautiful. And so short too - you've inspired me, Mr... uh... Brony..!
Thank you so much for this wonderful and wonderfully enchanting story.
3953243 wow. Wow. WOw. WOW.
you're goot, sir.
Good Concept, reminded me of The Mare at the End of Forever , which is one of my favorite stories. That said, I found that you spent more time telling us what happened than making us feel it. For instance the title of this story implies a great amount of regret that I find missing from the story itself. Celestia says they shouldn't have trusted Discord, but she never quite blames herself for it. (Always uses "We") Does she feel responsible for what happened? For trusting him? For not stopping him? Is that part of the reason for her need for revenge? Does she blame Discord because the alternative is blaming herself? What could have she done to prevent this? Why didn't it end differently? Did she want to believe Discord could change because Luna had changed?
The ending also felt out of place. I feel like looking for survivors would be Celestia's first goal, not her last. I can accept that she might become a little desperate not to be alone, but you've already implied that there is no longer any food and she and Philomena have been surviving on sunlight for many years. She has now walked the world several times looking for Discord, I feel like she would have a pretty good idea of the devastation. Her last friend just died. The almost cheerful tone with which she says there must be more ponies somewhere comes out on the other side of the intended denile I'm afraid and just makes her sound silly.
Basically I am counseling you to make your story Sadder.
There are a number of ways you could do that, but I feel like getting into Celestia's head a bit more closely in the beginning might help, and then putting some bitterness of the "Killing Discord was no victory at all" quality after she comes back from killing him, and framing the ending either by making it more desperate or by having her admit that it is actually unlikely she will find anyone, and that she will be alone until she dies. Perhaps end with the admission that she is the one who chose to trust Discord and that she could have prevented all this?
Sorry for the block of text.
It's a good story, I just think it has enough potential that I want it to be a great story.