(Inspired by Foal Necromancer. I do not forget or deny when I am inspired by something)(Human tag is for the first chapter)
I am Adone Federo. I am a mafia don in the city of Los Angeles. I was once the most powerful man there, but...fate decided otherwise for me. I do not mind. I was enforced this duty after my father was imprisoned. Having to take on so many things at once is not an easy task, especially when you must uphold your home country's customs when you never lived there, and keep your family name implanted within the foundations of fear. I only hope that my cold body means that I will finally be able to rest like I have always wanted: with the fishes in the calm sea...or is there something else that I might see?
(Picture done by WakerofWinds)
Instant negative one dislike?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I should be first!
There are quite a few chunks in this story describing things, yet at the same time back-to-forth dialogue exchange with nothing else going on. I see many sentences poorly worded throughout the story making it difficult to follow along. I also see waaaaaay too many commas. like this sentence
Comeon, really? This sentence doesn't need many commas!!! I don't even understand what you meant by "normally". Everybody knows that it normally gets dusk at night
"It was dusk, but the sky was so dark it seemed like midnight."
"Right above the trembling city, there was a small pegasi town that moved occasionally* along the currents. It just so happened to find itself right above Canterlot."
Here's another example of one of your horrible dribbling confusing never ending sentences.
"The family by now was extremely powerful, both in wealth and influence. Unfortunately*, he was ratted out. Our lawyers weren't capable of protecting him, so now he suffers for it in prison for the rest of his life. That is, until we can figure out how to get him out. Now because of all of this, I must take his place since I am his only son. This also meant that I can no longer be the dancer I had long wished to be." <--- I wasn't quite sure how to make out the last two sentences since you worded them so poorly but I think that's what you meant to say.
This story receives 1 rotton tomato.
1724279 What's a "rotton tomato"? Also, "constructive critiscism", not just complaining.
1724299 ...
You're kidding, right?
1724820For the contructive critiscism part?
1724821 No, the fact that you don't know what a "rotten tomato" is on the internet
1724825 She wrote "rotton", not "rotten". I don't know what "rotton" is.
1724832 Ahh. I get it
1724836stuffpoint.com/trollface/image/thumb/38528-trollface-trol-d.jpg
1724837 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31154084.jpg
1724855 (It took you six minutes to make that?)
cgdata.com/team/74543/logo/LOL-UMAD-BRO1gqf.jpg
1724870>>1724870 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31154307.jpg
1724877d2tq98mqfjyz2l.cloudfront.net/image_cache/129774868331120.jpeg
1724882cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31154483.jpg
NOW it gets mean!
1724891 I can't post my image.
1724942 Oh my shit
Well fav and thumb up, just because i like your style of writing and it is not so bad chapter, well if it will change i will just unfav but i will watch you.
1726172allmystery.de/i/tL0sTst_HappyForeverAloneGuy.jpg
3.bp.blogspot.com/-za6ZgJ_xsBw/T0I0j2MIS7I/AAAAAAAAAMg/vxRMPe40iZk/s1600/354-happy-couples-forever-alone.jpg
Oh. The new chapter is about to come out.
I just upvoted for the title...
1726406getreadytorumble.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/don-corleone.jpg
Don Corleone is pleased.
Well still good (so sitll fav) but you made small typo or so i think maybe i calling it wrong name but the mistake i mistake
I think that you wanted to write "were" not "wer". But still keep going i wanna see how will it go.
1726974 But will it blend?
1727997 I'm sure you recognize her. This is what she really does. Now you know why she appeared in that story so suddenly.
I love this so far post moar
That's trollestia for you...
But it's true, so who cares?
1764112 Glad to see someone commenting here.
1764382
The wolves... they're his mob. I can just see him leading a huge pack of zombie wolves, timberwolves, and whatever other kind of wolves you decide to add in as a huge army against the enemies of equestria.
That would be pretty badass.
1764406 Maybe, but I have something else in mind. Something related to this:
[youtube=Tc-FIL1sBrk]
Yes. It is relevant...for me.
1764382
i hardly ever comment unless i didnt like something in the story or i really really really like it. so consider yourself privaliged. no but seriously, i hardly ever comment as i like to just enjoy the story and see how the author turns the story out. there may be some stories that could use a push in the right direction by the fans but sometimes those stories are being pushed in that direction for a long winded prupose by the author that sets something major up in the future. and now im rambling. but anyway i digress, good story and keep up the good work. and know this, even if you get no comments and you start to lose view count, i will always be watching this fic till the day i no longer have internet access or until its completed. but dont worry about the internet access thing as the moment i get it back i will immediately continue reading.
1764608 Actually, I don't mind the view count. It's only to see the thoughts of a WIDE variety of people who read this that I like to wait impatiently for. I always want to see what they think can be changed or what they expect to happen next...of which I purposely tell them wrong things.
1764618
aaah. well i will have to dissapoint you then as like i said, i hardly ever comment. but consider this, if i dont comment it means your doing the story well and i like it alot. but if i do comment it can mean one of two things. i would like you to change something but will not expect you to do it or i really really really want to let you know im loving it immensly.
1764635lehwego.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/challenge_considered.png
I don't even that cover picture. Looks like someone pissed on his face...
Edit: okaynvm
1764657 Read the story and you'll understand.
hnnggahahajgamko. Aurite i going to sleep
Wait dat guy, Andone, zombies.
Its another frickin version of this chick
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110924121957/callofduty/images/e/e1/Sam_close_up.jpg
1764657 Yea....sorry. I'm not exactly the best artist.
I usually don't up or down vote anything until the story is done, so I'll be watching this story to see what else happens.
I like the concept. Please update.
1811227 I'm trying, but my brain has overheated, so my head hurts quite alot. I have a chapter in the works though. It's already around a thousand words.
1813103Wellllll. So long as you're trying, I'm okay with it.
1816056 Here's a hint:"The fae was talking about someone he knew". Who would it be?
1816071 Think of how old Adone is and when he was born. When do you think the rat was reborn? I'm not spoiling it.
1816082 Yes I am, but I purposelly left you in the dark here. Art thou irate, brethren? (Yes. I'm doing that technique again. My brain is feeling much better
)
...
All those errors... makes my inner grammar nazi want to scream...
Mein Gott! Warum gibt es so viele verdammt Fehler? Bitte nehmen Sie einen Editor, ist diese Geschichte zu gut für sie sein, unreine mit Fehlern!
Aaaaand there he goes. Seriously, this story has potential, and you're ruining it by not getting an editor.
Also, Jamaican Griffin!
1816096 I can fix them myself because I type as fast as my brain thinks(meaning really fast), but I'm too lazy to do so. I'm currently looking the chapter over. Also, I can't believe noone noticed the reference I put in there.
1816112I don't try hard to notice references unless it's blatantly obvious. Also, I don't get a lot of references normally, so that makes it even worse.
1816127 It starts with "Star".
1816127 Dem errors be foond 'n shot.
1816130Yeah, not ringing any bells. If anything, said bells are being locked away in an airtight, sound-proof canister and chucked to the bottom of a 1,000 mile deep gorge.
Only thing with star in it would either be Star Ocean, or Lucky Star. Now Lucky Star doesn't start with Star, so Star Ocean is my only guess. If that's right, I'm purposefully skipping English class.
1816214 I barely know what luky star is. Isn't it that boring anime with insane "originality" by showing some kids' life?