- Member Since 8th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Mar 31st, 2020
ShamefulHorsefucker
Half of everything is luck, James.
ShamefulHorsefucker
Joined 8th Dec, 2011 ·
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Well, as far as "first-time fics" go, I guess this is alright. The idea just came to me one day, so I thought I'd go for it. Fun little weekend project, I suppose. It's not incredibly deep, but hey, I gave it a shot.
A oneshot, to be precise.
Edit: Thank you all for the comments providing such an in-depth analysis and constructive criticism. They are greatly appreciated. After getting an idea how just how full of holes this thing actually is, I think it's safe to say I don't actually deserve the amount of likes that I've received. I suppose that, as long as you don't set your expectations too high, it's an alright little story if you're in the mood for R63 Twilestia with a bit of sap value.
Again, I really appreciate the people who have taken the time to tell me where I need to improve.
Perhaps a word of warning to new readers who might happen to see this comment before reading the actual story: set your expectations low
I crame.
1684882 Well that doesn't seem very fair.
1685007 I guess, but I just dislike things like this.
1685013 So how is that fair to me?
1685031 It's unfair to you, but fair to me. Sorry.
Didn't mean to disencourage you.
1685037 Would it have been so hard to just ignore it and move on if you knew you weren't going to like it? Did you seriously HAVE to be an ass by leaving a stupid comment like that?
1685037 1685031
a little stallion on stallion couldn't hurt now and then
still i like stallions on mares better, makes me tingle all over
up voted
1685059 ...Yes.
But I'll delete it, for your sake.
1685066 Appreciated. Unfair rating bombs due to personal preference aren't fun.
1685153 That's a pretty stupid reason.
Written well, there doesn't seem to be a lot of gay clopfics round here. Upvote from me.
Haha, about time someone did this. The piece is pretty solid grammatically, though ignoring the R63 the plot was very cliche for this pairing though if you wanted to just get em into the action this is fine. As for the clop I can't find any legitimate faults though I do feel like it could've been a tiny bit more drawn out, it seemed to go by really fast though that could just lie with me. Overall I found it well done, upvoted.
Despite not being into m/m...at all..I thought it was a good story...I didn't exactly comprehend the Mature rating and the fact that it said Dusk Shine before I read this, so I was a bit surprised at the M/M part. Other than that, Personal Prefrence be damned, that was a good story.
1685358 I can't claim the premise very creative, and you're right, the sex could use more to it. First fics are always a bitch to get right.
M/M's not usually my thing but it seemed written well, cant honestly fault it
1685153
Kind of a dick move to down vote it for a shitty reason and then explain it in the comments don't you think?
I can clop to th.....wait a minute. M/M clop? No thank you. Nah, I'm just kidding, this was an interesting read my friend and I will give you a like
1685550 Had me goin' there for a sec.
Very kind of you.
Huh? a Twiliestia rule 63 clopfic? Ok,this could be interesting
Let's check it out...
1685153
What a hypocrite.
M/M R63 Solaris/Dusk?
*fistpump* Hell yeah. Too bad it's a oneshot. Write more!
A cute story and fairly well written. The big thing that held this story back from being more memorable/notable was the lack of descriptive language. You told us a few things but never described it. For instance, you never described what Solaris looks like, outside of mention he has a toned chest and very much later on that he has a white hoof (I'm not big on Stallion stories so I did skip the intercourse scene, so my references are to the set up portion and the end).
An example for a missed opportunity was when mentioning Solaris was soaked from rain, you just said he was wet. No descriptive language about his mane sticking to him, or water running down the lines of his muscles, or what have you. So the Story is set up well and doesn't have any glaring writing craziness going on, but without descriptions to invoke vivid imagery, it felt fairly bland.
Luckily for you, writing in descriptive language after the fact is a lot easier than fixing other critical errors in stories.
A couple body language errors occurred in that you referred to "arms" for the ponies.
wrapping an arm around the unicorn's shoulder.
and
and he was going to embrace it with open arms.
1685663
He called you a hypocrite as you like F/F relationship stories but down vote without merit M/M stories. I'd have to guess they're assuming you meant you were against homosexual relations, hence the hypocrisy of advocating one and down voting the other. However, you'd said you down voted since it makes you sick, I guess, so that was their error in misreading your statement.
Still that's a misuse of the voting system as the down vote it isn't for stories that you don't like the content of, but rather for stories that you feel weren't written well. (e.g. I hate Trixie as a character, by your logic I should down vote and flame any story that has her pop up in them since she makes me sick. Protip: I don't)
1685663
I just think that disliking M/M but having no problems with F/F is ridiculous since is almost basically the same thing only with genders switched.
1685663 Just because you don't like something, doesn't make it bad, smartass. Please tell me you're just trolling and not actually this stupid.
1685685 Fair enough. Descriptive language was something that nagged me throughout. Wasn't sure if I was using it right, and abundant enough. Guess I wasn't. I've never really written much before, so I'm kind of glad I did as well as I did. Thanks for some actual criticism, instead of just down voting it because it's M/M.
1685777
Haha, no worries, and I was happy to provide some useful information. I said I wasn't big on Stallions and I didn't find it memorable (as in, it was good, but not favorite worthy for me), that doesn't mean I down voted it. It was well written, just had room for improvement I wanted to point out, that's all. As my other comments indicate, relationships and sexual content based around orientation isn't a deciding factor for my vote. It just means I skip the sex scenes.
1685837 Your constructive feedback is greatly appreciated.
cant decide if it homophobia our someone being stubborn, both of which almost unheard of on the internet
1685153
Pointless upvoting makes me smile. Pointless downvoting makes me sick.
Upvoted.
So, as long as no horns or wings touch it's not gay :P
Everything's perfectly fine here
Okay, I love m/m stories. There are far too few of those.
1685996 It's also not gay if you declare "no homo" before doing anything sexual.
...Which Dusk and Solaris didn't do, so it was totally gay.
Not my thing by any means, but it WAS well written and thought out. Sadly enough I only got halfway through as I cannot read anything sexually based around males. Even just males and females is often too much, but again, that's just a personal opinion.
Up voted for creativity, presentation, and Twilestia rule 63 edition.
This one doesn't quite get a fav (what exactly is happening in dusk's mind could do with more development; and perhaps some insight into what's happening in Solaris' mind too.), but I can see that one of your next stories could qualify.
Upvoted.
"It suddenly became very pleasure"
I am unsure if that is the word you intended to use.
On the fic proper, I really love the premise here, but I think that there are several problems in the execution.
There is very little characterization to Solaris in this story. While Celestia is rarely overt in her characteristics, she is still well defined. Solaris, as described here, mostly seems to act in accordance with Dusk's desires, and has very little expressed personality beyond that. While the length may make it difficult to provide too much elaboration, it would be great to see more insight into Solaris, particularly if there are any interesting ways that he could deviate from the model set by Celestia.
The progression towards a sexual relationship felt rather abrupt. Though i may have misinterpreted the events, it seems as though Dusk and Solaris had intercourse almost immediately after Dusk's revelation. While this may be reasonable for the pacing of an erotic story, I feel that the rush into a sexual relationship, especially one that may be fueled by the initial onset of adolescent hormones, is not in keeping with the behavior one would expect of Solaris. I feel like the relationship, even its more erotic aspects; would be significantly more satisfying if Solaris made more of an effort to reconcile Dusk's concerns in the first half, before pursuing sexual gratification. While sex is a very beautiful and wonderful thing, it is uncomfortable for me to see it used as the resolution to internal conflict.
I think that the use of profanity towards the end is rather jarring given the tone that the story was building. Despite my criticisms, i did like how tender and loving most of the sex scenes were, and the use of profanity in the moments after nearly ruined this aspect for me.
Overall, I wouldn't say that any of these aspects ruin the fic, but i think that this premise could be so much more. There was a moment that Solaris mentioned that Dusk, to fulfill his own expectations, would have to be a mare. This part interested me greatly, as it speaks uniquely to the way males relate to each other, particularly when there is inequality in power. Twilestia has been presented in countless stories, and many of them are wonderful explorations of both characters. It would seem to me that there is a great story here, given the same degree of exploration.
Oh, and sorry about all the comments about this being a M/M fic. It is sad to see that so many people seem unwilling to intellectually engage the story simply because of the sex of the characters involved.
Now this is interesting.
1686508 Fuck, how'd I miss that one? Fixed.
Hmmm. When I submitted this story, I thought it was "pretty decent". With all the mistakes being pointed out to me, I'm not so sure, now... I guess I should be thankful that I'm getting such in-depth criticism. You're right, though. For a oneshot, everything about this is rushed. So rushed. I place the blame of everything wrong with this story on my lack of experience.
I'm sorry if the profanity towards the end ruined the mood for you. I, personally, am a foul-mouthed person, so part of that was a little bit of me slipping into the writing.
When I finished it, I knew the writing wasn't going to win any awards or anything, but I didn't think it would have this many holes in it...
well, basically all the same comments as before that aren't stupid or bigoted. A decent story, not my preferences so far as genders go, but your grasp of Dusk and Solaris' characters is good. It did escalate rather quickly from "I have a crush on you" and "I'm totally ok with that and I think I love you too" to "let's have kinky pony sex!" It would have been nice to get some of Solaris' motivation. Most Twilestia adds in that Celestia is a lonely, rather frigid goddess who distances everypony from herself with a vague, slightly condescending kindness, and that Twilight is pretty much the only pony besides Luna we've ever seen in series who doesn't get this treatment (the other Element Bearers also get this, but to a much lesser extent). Also it would be nice to see how Solaris' prankster attitude would transition to the Rule 63 'verse. That said, I liked the way you portrayed Solaris' supernatural ability to read whatever is troubling a subject's mind at that point, and of course your Dusk is spot on. Looking forward to more work from you, Knight of Cerebus.
Don't let some of the bad comments discourage you. This kinda thing is just rare and i think most brony's like the idea of M/M clop than C/C clop overall i think it was a really good story filled with love that you could only find with two colts the gender bending pairings are a passionate shame of mine but i found it very heartfelt and hope to see more of these 'I'd tell them where to shove it' <---- Amazing Brohoof* Sincerelly OnTheTrot
'Dis is pretty good. I like it. nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/prince_solaris__835262.jpg
Hmm... Like some of the others, M/M isn't really my thing. From the title and description, I assumed it would be Celestia x Dusk Shine. (Note to self: Find some of said ship.) After reading the comments, I was disappointed, but decided to give you a chance anyways. After reading it, I can say, for sure, "Not really my thing (sexually).".
However, you have done a great job in writing this fic, so well, in fact, that I quite liked it as a 'fluffy' romantic story. Well done, ShamelessBrony, for not only going against the grain of ordinary sexual orientation, but for doing it so well.
In what manner was this story so good? If I had to pick one thing, it would be that, at it's core, this is a nice warm'n'fuzzy romance. It's not a gay clop story. It has homosexuality in it, sure, but that's not the defining characteristic of this story. This story's gimmick isn't the gay clop, its 'gimmick', if you can even call it that, is that it's a nice romance.
"What I tell you three times is true." Also, when I've said the same thing three times, it means I should shut up.
Not bad at all. To be honest I'm surprised you left a request with me if you can write this well. Overall, while the story was hardly original I can say that it was reasonable well done. Good work.
One problem I spotted was that you fell into using human terms (such as arm) now and again. You may want to fix that. There were also a few other small errors, but that should be fixable if you just find yourself a good editor.
1688267 Don't give me too much credit, even for a first fic, it leaves plenty to be desired. I thought I'd take a stab at writing something, so here it is. I still have a lot of improvement to do. I did catch a lot of little errors during my proofreading, and I tried to fix as many of them as I could find. I guess there were a few stragglers.
It really bothered me when I used the word "arms", but according to a picture of pony anatomy, it's actually applicable. I didn't want to overuse the word "hoof", and it didn't seem... "enough" for the context I wanted to use it in ("wrapping an arm around the unicorn's shoulder." vs. "wrapping a hoof around the unicorn's shoulder." He didn't put just a hoof around his shoulder, but his entire arm).
Thank you for your kind words, I'm still looking forward to your own work.
His sentence would remain unfinished as Solaris pressed his lips to Dusk's, wrapping an arm around the unicorn's shoulder.
I think you mean foreleg.
other than that, good work!
1688770 My mind is still up in the air on that. "Foreleg" does sound more fitting, but the diagram of pony anatomy I looked up did say that arm worked as well.
1688800
Alright.
I just commented on it because it seemed jarring. Otherwise, for a first fic, I can't find too much fault with it. It could have been taken a bit slower, but what has passed is in the past now. Though, I do advise taking it a bit slower next time (regardless of subject matter)
now...I GO
That. That is good.
Don't stop to write.
Please.
You should continue to write stuff like this.
For a first story this is...astoundingly good. And actually pretty damn sexy.
Bravo.
1689664 Well I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I haven't really thought about continuing to write, with this being a complete stab in the dark. I might give it some more thought.
Not bad, really. Three issues with it:
1. Solaris was way too passive with everything. It's one thing for him to place everything in Dusk's hooves out of consideration, but I didn't feel his *desire* for Dusk. He just went with the flow.
2. Dusk was so hung up on being in a homosexual relationship when Solaris casually asked if he was with a pony of either gender. Fine, Celestia is open-minded, we could say that, but there weren't any indications that Equestria in the fic had any issues with homosexuality. It's just Dusk, and there's really no reason given as to why he has that reservation.
3. The clop was meh. Too simple, too short, no bedroom dialogue.
Keep writing, friend. I hope your next attempt is ten times the fic this is.
1690165 Yeah, this whole thing is really too simple. I now know to flesh everything out more when writing.
I guess it's alright if you don't have high expectations, but you're right. I didn't really excel in anything particular, here.