Finally got around to reading your rewrite. Though it's been so long since I read the original that I honestly have no idea what's changed.
Either way, I enjoyed it immensely
"What? Dad, how could you be okay with this?" Pulse asked. "We're safe in here! If he goes out there, he could die!"
Says the mare who just minutes ago almost got skewered in her bedroom by an experimental weapon fired through her floor
Remarks and corrections: > their descendents living in relative safety. "descendants" > I wasn't even good at inventing like Pulse and Dad, I just fixed stuff. Comma splice. Never connect two whole sentences with commas. Either split them, or put a semicolon between them if the second elaborates on the first (which is applicable here). > "Huh... That might be good for a change o' scenery, at least" the pegasus muttered. Quote needs to end on a comma. > I'd practically forgot what the outside was like. "forgotten", technically :p > "Out the North Gate and keep goin'" said the pegasus with a knowing smile. Again, needs a comma at the end of the quote, behind "goin'". > "Sure Click, what do you need?" Comma before "Click". Addressing terms need to be separated by commas, and so do added things like that "sure", but that does not mean you can dump the two of them together without a comma in between them ;) > It wasn't anything major, they just wanted some extra eyes and ears. Another comma splice. Semicolon or period, doesn't matter much, but fix it.
Can't wait for more!! literally I'm going berserk for it!
Just read/listenedto the prologue earlier today. I liked it enough that I'm looking forward to the other chapters. I'll get to 'em sooner or later.
Finally got around to reading your rewrite. Though it's been so long since I read the original that I honestly have no idea what's changed.
Either way, I enjoyed it immensely
Says the mare who just minutes ago almost got skewered in her bedroom by an experimental weapon fired through her floor
Remarks and corrections:
> their descendents living in relative safety.
"descendants"
> I wasn't even good at inventing like Pulse and Dad, I just fixed stuff.
Comma splice. Never connect two whole sentences with commas. Either split them, or put a semicolon between them if the second elaborates on the first (which is applicable here).
> "Huh... That might be good for a change o' scenery, at least" the pegasus muttered.
Quote needs to end on a comma.
> I'd practically forgot what the outside was like.
"forgotten", technically :p
> "Out the North Gate and keep goin'" said the pegasus with a knowing smile.
Again, needs a comma at the end of the quote, behind "goin'".
> "Sure Click, what do you need?"
Comma before "Click". Addressing terms need to be separated by commas, and so do added things like that "sure", but that does not mean you can dump the two of them together without a comma in between them ;)
> It wasn't anything major, they just wanted some extra eyes and ears.
Another comma splice. Semicolon or period, doesn't matter much, but fix it.