Of Archon Toilets and Bioballs

by MiniPsyker

Chapter 9: Hellion of the Century

Mike stood right next to a door outside, with a few marines next to him, as if they were getting to breach into a building like a US procedure in Iraq. With a hand movement, he commanded two marines to get to the other side of the door, so as to have an equal number of troops on each side outside. "I want this room cleaned, understood? Nothing remaining."

"Yes sir!" The marines responded.

"Alright, on my mark..." He took a deep breath, quickly moved right in front of the door and kicked it open, causing great noise. "Get to it!!" He yelled, moving out of the way.

Right next to him charged no less than 10 marines, equiped with top-of-the-line armament, such as mops, buckets, bleach, and aprons. They were going to clean that room alright.

"How's it going?" Twilight asked Mike, seeing as she was monitoring everything for Celestia's visit.

"Why are we doing this again?"

"Well, duh, royalty's going to arrive!!"

"And that means..." He asked in irritation, waving his hand in the air.

"Agh!! Just-- Just make sure everything's clean, alright?! We don't--"

"Stray bucket!! Get down!!" A marine yelled from inside, right before a stray bucket flew right out of the window, breaking it. Twilight just grunted in annoyance and decided to walk away, her nerves were getting defeated just by standing around Mike or any other Terran.

---

A day later, in the early hours of the morning...

Twilight began waking up thanks to several strange noises around her bed. Namely, of several 'things' snoring. She tried opening her eyes, but as soon as she barely opened one, her eyes shot wide open upon the sight of several, almost a hundred parasprites around her. She remember how she only got one thanks to Fluttershy, yet was completely shocked at both the numbers, and at the fact that they appeared out of nowhere.

"Spike!" She yelled, before falling off her bed and then rushing to Spike's. "Wake up! What happened?!"

Spike woke up, with the parasprites over his eyes coincidentially opening their eyes with him. He screamed, and then threw the parasprites over his eyes away. "What's going on?!"

"Where did they come from?!"

"I don't know. The little guy got hungry in the night, so I gave him a snack, but... I have no idea where these others came from!"

"Gaaaah!!" A marauder yelled, being thrown out the window by a parasprite swarm.

"God damned flying mini zerglings!!" A marine yelled while running from yet another small swarm.

"Get me out of this!!" Mike screamed, flying around, swung by the parasprites.

"I got this..." A ghost whispered to himself, aiming the laser pointer of a nuke at the floor, before his aim was thrown away by Mike being catapulted right at him by the parasprites. An explosion was heard far away, yet no signs of exactly where the nuke landed were shown.

A few minutes later...

Mike and a group of Terrans escorted a makeshift convoy made out of wheels and viking hulls, with parasprites encased in them. Twilight leaded them from the front, with an expression of annoyance for having to always ask Mike for help, even though she found him annoying.

"I see we're having the same problem..." Rarity told Twilight as she appeared, carrying two bags full of parasprites. At this sight, the convoy stopped for a rest.

Soon enough, Rainbow Dash flew right into everyone's sight escaping from a horde of parasprites in any way she could.

"Fluttershy knows everything about animals," Twilight stated, "I'm sure she can tell us how to stop them from multiplying."

Meanwhile, after the convoy arrived in front of Fluttershy's house...

Mike walked over to the house's door and knocked a few times. Not a second later, an entire swarm bursted through the door and escaped outside, pushing through Mike who just stood there, not even flinching. Once he turned around, after everything calmed down a bit, it was shown how his entire front was just a simple skeleton due to the tremendous damage he received.

"Yo it's alright I still got 1HP left." He said while giving a thumbs up. Hell knows how he talked, seeing as he didn't even have lungs now.

A second later, a medivac popped up and started healing him, magically regenerating his organs, skin, eyes, and finally power armor to tip-top conditions in a green light not unlike UFO movies, with medical crosses floating around.

Everyone stared in unison.

"Do something Fluttershy, can't you control them?" Twilight asked, breaking the not-so-silence.

"I've tried everything I know: I've tried begging, and pleading, and beseeching, and asking politely and..."

Mike slapped his visor in annoyance, seeing as he'd have to get something out of his arsenal once again to save the day. He began walking away, leaving the others to their bussiness and headed off to his base.

Meanwhile, at his base...

"How many factories we got?" He asked an SCV.

"Uhh, only one. We just built it to get the starports." He said, pointing at a factory that crash-landed, engulfed in flames. A second later, it exploded.

"..."

"..."

"Well, build more then!"

"How many?"

"Uhhhh... I dunno. Pick a number between 20 and 30."

"27."

"There's your answer. Get the others working."

"You got it. Reactors or Tech labs?"

"Reactors."

140 seconds later... Okay, maybe a bit more.

The mane 6 were already rolling up a big bad ball of parasprites, leading them to the Everfree Forest not unlike a Katamari Damacy game session. Once they were halfway there, they met with Mike's Hellions, a force of 54 armored cars with flamethrowers strapped on them.

"Fancy meeting you lot here." Mike taunted from inside his own hellion, the hellions now following them and making sure no parasprite escaped.

"Fancy?! Where were you all this time?!" Twilight yelled.

"You didn't even notice I was gone?!" He retorted. "Dammit, mare! Anyways, you lot got this or what?"

"We ain't havin' no problems yet." Applejack answered.

"We'll keep you company until this gets done then."

They kept on leading the big bad paraspripteball until they reached the Everfree Forest, now letting the giant bowling ball let it drive its course towards it.

"We did it!" Twilight cheered.

"Couldn't 'ave done it without ya." Applejack said.

---

Back in front of Fluttershy's home...

"Okay, everyone knows what to do, right?" Twilight asked. "We gotta work extra hard to make up for lost time."

She opened the door, and out of it were shot another full swarm of parasprites.

"Oh for Pete's sake, you guys!!" Mike ranted. "That's it, I'm out." He said as he walked again once more.

---

Back in Ponyville...

"Well, parasprite over here, parasprite over there..." Mike noted as he walked around, drinking a Kopru-Cola. "Day's been normal so far. Wonder how long it'd take for them to eat everything." He sipped his bottle. "Gee, it'd sure be disastrous if they ended up eating everything else instead of food."

A spell that Twilight casted later, lo and behold, they began eating everything but the food.

"Oh come on!!" He yelled. The hellions at his command arrived right next to him, and so he jumped into one of them, commandeering it. "This thing got Pre-Igniters?" He asked around.

"Sure does, boss." A hellion answered through the radio.

"Daylight's burning!!" He yelled, taking control of the wheel and driving full speed.

A few seconds later, the entire hellion force was scattered driving around Ponyville, throwing flames at any parasprite caught in their sights. It worked at the beginning, frying them and turning them into a piece of charcoal with wings.

"How's everything?" Mike asked through the radio.

"We got everything roasting, boss! At this pace we'll be done in no time!!"

"Nothing like brute force to solve everything. Hey!" He noticed a parasprite running around. He began driving full force towards it in pursuit. "You cannot escape me!!" He yelled. Once he got close enough, he activated his flamethrower at it. The parasprite, however, turned around and outright ate the flames, burping out no less than five other parasprites. "WHAT." He stared dumbfounded, before deciding to turn around and drive towards Twilight who was in the main square.

Once he arrived, he opened the window and yelled at her. "Excuse me, what is this shit?!" He asked, pointing at a hellion frying a parasprite, yet the parasprite was actually eating the flames.

"Uhhh... I... Ehhh...." Twilight was left speechless.

"You know what? I'm gone." He said, closing the window. "To all hellions, leg it!! Or wheel it, whatever." He said through the radio, thus marking his retreat. "Just what the hell's going on..." He asked himself behind his steering wheel, driving to a location in his mind. "Maybe she knows what to do..." And by 'She', he meant Pinkie Pie herself.

Time later, still in Ponyville...

Twilight returned from her visit to Zecora, yet holding no fruit of research. She did not find anything of use to fight against the parasprite menace. But her torment didn't end yet. When she looked at the skies, she noticed how Celestia's carriage was finally in sight, thus telling her that time was short, if not up already. She reached the main square of Ponyville, still seeing the disaster all over the place, and finding no way to revert it.

"Okay, here's the plan." She was losing her mind already. "Rainbow Dash, you distract them."

Rainbow Dash was rather busy escaping from the parasprites.

"Good! Everyone else, we need to build an exact copy of Ponyville right over there. We've got less than a minute." She mindlessly suggested just as a building fell over. What she didn't notice, however, were the hellions returning and surrounding Ponyville, as if preparing for a siege. And they didn't have flamethrowers, they had something else... "Zecora was right, we're doomed." She finally accepted her fate. Once she heard a strange noise that echoed all over ponyville, she realized something. "Oh no, the princess's procession is here... It's all over...!"

The strange noise, that actually sounded like static, ceased to be. But right after that, a voice echoed around Ponyville. It didn't come from one place either, it was as if it came from everywhere, as if it either originated from one's mind, or if the source was from all over the place. The voice wasn't a normal voice either, it sounded as if it was amplified, or distorted. As if it came from so far away the buildings and roads distorted it with echo, but it could be heard clearly. And not only that, the tremendous force of the voice could also be felt as if it exploded in everyone's hearts. It was not an exaggeration to say that the tiny bits of debris actually shook that moment.

"Show me what passes for guitar solos among your misbegotten kind!!"

The voice was no other than Mike. And the source, no less than a hundred hellions with giant loudspeakers replacing their flamethrowers. Right after it, a great electric guitar could be heard now playing it as if the Gods themselves willed it. Then, drums. And then, the main voice.

"You can't kill the metal... The metal will live on!!"

The song was now clear. It was 'The Metal'. And if it wasn't enough, it was actually Mike himself playing the guitar, and Pinkie Pie on the drums.

"W-- What?" Twilight asked herself, dumbfounded, with the earth below her shaking. "Mike?! Pinkie?!" She now came to her senses. "What are you two doing?! Celestia's here and you're doing this?!" She, of course, knew they couldn't hear her. But after a second, she noticed how the parasprites were not devouring everything in their path, just flying up and down at the song's pace.

The source of the sound began moving, the hundred hellions relocating near Mike and Pinkie Pie, now forming a makeshift Metal convoy, with the parasprited following them. They all began moving towards the forest, with the parasprites now following behind for the sound, and behind them the rest of the mane 6 utterly confused.

Then, Celestia's carriage landed. The rest of the mane 6 rushed to her presence.

"Twilight Sparkle, my prized pupil."

"Hello, princess."

"So lovely to see you again, as well as your friends."

Both Celestia's and the ponies' attention was for a second focused upon Mike, Pinkie, and his Metal convoy.

"So... how was the trip? Hit much traffic?"

"Ah, what is this? Oh ho ho, these creatures are adorable."

"They're not that adorable." Rainbow Dash muttered.

"I'm terribly honored that you and the good citizens of Ponyville have organized a parade in honor of my visit, with a rather... Unorthodox musical choice."

"Parade? Oh. Yes, the parade."

"Unfortunately, that visit is going to have to wait for another time. I'm afraid an emergency has come up in Fillydelphia. Apparently there's been some sort of infestation."

"An... infestation?"

"Yes, a swarm of incredibly bothersome creatures has invaded the poor town. I'm sorry Twilight, to have to put you all through so much trouble."

"Trouble? What trouble?"

"Before I have to go, would you care to give me your latest report on the magic of friendship in person?"

"My... report?"

"Haven't you learned anything about friendship?"

"Actually, I have... I've learned that sometimes the solution to your problems can come from where you least expect it. It's a good idea to stop and listen to--"

"THE METAL!!" Mike yelled while riding a hellion around, still playing his electric guitar, with another hellion with a marine riding on top of it playing the electric triangle soon followed.

"Mike!!" Twilight yelled in frustration.

Author's Note:

Author's Notes? What.

Hello, testing, one two three

...

Might as well put something useful. I had no one to proofread this, just saying. So yeah, if you find any errors, let me know.

Comments

[Redderject]

I had a feeling this was gonna be a good one.

[MADC3]

It 'twas great.

[Dr Hammer]

I love this story we need more