Of Archon Toilets and Bioballs

by MiniPsyker

Chapter 20: The Super etc 6K

This chapter has been cancelled. The Apple family had so much manpower thanks to Mike and the Terrans that the Flim Flam Bruvvas saw no business opportunity due to no cider shortage. We'll now continue on to the next episode.

...

Just kidding, can you imagine?

---

"This one's set!" One marauder stated to the other after dumping a bucket of grenades into an apple tree.

"You sure this is how it's supposed to go?" A marine asked.

Another marauder, standinding a considerable distance away, began trying to activate the detonator of the grenades from a distance, though having a bit of difficulty in that, all the while the rest moved away from the grenade-stuffed tree.

"You should probably give that to someone who has all five fingers." A ghost suggested.

"Yeah I got all five fingers!!" The marauder retorted. "Two on this hand, three on the other!!"

After much effort, the marauder succeeded in pressing the detonator. The trunk of the tree was destroyed by the explosion causing the top to fall down to the ground, with the apples scattered around falling into tactically placed wooden buckets all over the place. Surprisingly enough, there were no casualties.

The buckets filled with apples were taken by a group of marines and placed on top of a tank, which doubled as a transport of sorts. After being fully loaded, the tank drove towards the place where cider was brewed.

---

"Sorry everypony, that's it for today." Applejack announced onced the cider ran out.

Every pony became disappointed.

"Surprise surprise... You ran out again!!" Rainbow Dash retorted.

"Yeah, you always run out!" Another pony added.

"For the record, I don't mind--" Fluttershy tried talking before being interrupted by Rainbow Dash speaking up again.

"Why can't you make cider for all of us? Or at least for me! You give those Terrans most of the cider before anyone can even buy anything!" Rainbow Dash complained while pointing at the Terrans who were drinking around from a few barrels.

"How about you climb this tree, I'll fight you faggot!" Mike, who was on top of a tree drinking, yelled at Rainbow Dash with his arms extended. Obviously he was half drunk.

Every pony began complaining.

"Hold up everypony." Applejack tried calming everyone down. "We're not 'giving away' the cider to the Terrans, they work for us and it's their payment. And we've done our best to improve supply this year--"

"You always say that!!" A pony retorted.

"And it's always true. But Apple family cide--"

"MAYDAY--" Mike screamed as he fell down his tree. The painful 'thud' as he impacted against the ground could be very well heard, followed by the metallic and plastic parts of his suit clashing together as he tried moving. "Medic..."

"You okay?" Kra'Ser asked, walking up to him.

"I need... Another drink... And a 1v1..."

"Yeah, you're okay..." He sighed.

Immediately thereafter, everyone turned their heads at the sound of a vehicle closing in. The sound was characteristic of an engine, a mechanical invention unlike most 'vehicles' in ponyville which were powered by the citizens themselves.

"Another one of your inventions, Mike?" Twilight asked, slightly annoyed.

"Shaddap." He retorted, trying his best to stand up despite the drunkenness making him lose balance.

After the strange machine arrived, stopping in front of the general public, two ponies jumped out. They looked around for a while with expression of mixed disappointment and opportunity, until one turned to the other and began singing.

"Well, looky what we got here, brother of mine, it's the same in every town
Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found--"

"Oi, shaddap before I make ya'..." Mike spoke drunk while walking up to them. "S'all da same with ye guys... Singin' heer, singin' therr..."

"Uhhh.."

"I saed shaddap! Ye gitz wit yer big choppa and fancy auto-tune stuhff be notin to meh... Ur 1 cheeky kunt m8 ah swear am gon 2 wreck ya ah swear on my mums life--"

Kra'Ser intervened, knocking Mike out with a solid punch to the jaw to stop him from embarrassing both himself and everyone around.

---

"Ugh... What just happn'd..." Mike asked, waking up with a tremendous headache. He was on the sofa of Twilight's home.

"You fell off a tree." Kra'Ser explained. "You lost consciousness at that moment, I decided to bring you here--"

Bang. With a quick draw, Mike shot Kra'Ser right between the eyes with his revolver.

"I am very well aware that you punched me in the face, templar."

Kra'Ser had 'died', though it was just a teleportation mechanism built into his armor which teleported him away to safety whenever he was near death. He ended up teleporting to another place of Twilight's home, more specifically the very same spot he was on a second ago.

"Now then." Mike spoke while waving his revolver around to clear the smoke of the shot. "What happened while I was 'asleep'?"

"The visitors, the Flim Flam Brothers they call themselves, they arrived and wanted to set up a bussiness here with Apple family's partnership. However they'd divide the profits in a way that'd end up sending the Apple family to bankruptcy in winter. The Apple family kicked them out but they said they'd return."

"Capitalists." He sighed, thinking nothing of it and returning to his sleep. Then, his eyes shot open upon realizing a tremendous detail that'd mean something horrifying for him and his Terrans.

---

The next day...

The super etc 6k machine stood on one side of the field while the Apple family stood on the other side, ready for the competition to begin. The ponies of Ponyville arrived to see the competition, seeing as the outcome would also affect them. Mayor Mare stood between two oppositors with an hourglass.

"Is it always this lively around here?" Kra'Ser asked a random pony, who only shrugged. "Normally in Terran grounds each side would bombard the other with lawsuits. Speaking about Terrans, where could Mike be...?"

"The teams have one hour to produce as much cider as they can," Mayor Mare announced with a megaphone. "After which the barrels will be counted, and the winner will be named the sole cider provider for all of Ponyville!"

"This might actually be good news for that drunkard." Kra'Ser thought to himself. "If they make more than the Apple family..."

"Are both teams ready?" Mayor Mare asked.

"Ready." Applejack answered.

"Ready." The Flim Flam brothers acknowledged in unison.

"Then let's... go!"

The Templar took out a cellphone and began calling Mike. "Hey Mike, the competition began, where are you? You might want to see this."

On the other side of the call, the Templar could hear the gibberish of an entire army, as if they were doing something with almost no organization whatsoever. He could also hear some sort of liquid splashing around.

"I'm a little busy at the moment!!" Mike yelled. "Wait-- The competition began??! I'll be there ASAP!! Hey-- Watch out with that thing-- NO DON'T--" The communication was cut.

"What is he doing now...?"

---

The situation seemed dire for the Apple family. Even at top speed they could only brew one barrel of Cider for every three barrels the Bruvvas brewed. If things kept up like that, they'd end up defeated. But then, Twilight had an idea.

"Um, Miss Mayor!" Twilight caught her attention while walking up to her. "Are honorary family members allowed to help in the competition?"

"Well, I'm not sure... Flim, Flam, would you object to honorary family members helping?"

"Are you kidding?" Flim questioned.

"We don't care if the whole kingdom of Canterlot helps." Flam added. "It's a lost cause."

"Hm, I guess it's okay." Miss Mayor stated. "Applejack? What do you think?"

"I think I'd love to have the rest of my family helpin' out."

And before the rest of Applejack's friends could cheer, as if it was a God-given order, in the horizon could be seen a giant dust wave making its way towards them, just like a stampede, and as it got closer and closer, every single pony in Ponyville could hear the sound of Banjos and country music.

"Mike, is that you?!" Kra'Ser yelled through his cellphone.

"I AIN'T LATE FOR NO PARTY, CHUM." Mike yelled back, with the yelling of the most redneck rednecks in the Terran forces accompanying him. Even their rides were redneck. They drove in pick-up trucks and DIY vehicles they made themselves out of cardboard and ammunition.

Once they arrived, the dust wave forced everyone to cover their eyes with their arms; some got dust in their eyes, other began coughing violently, some even both. But once it dissipated, Mike was already next to Applejack, with his forces near the Apple family. The force wasn't painted red like the usual Dominion colour, but instead they were all painted orange with crudely drawn apple-related insignias on their shoulders.

"We're... Uhh... Applejack's cousins!! We're here to help 'er!" Mike stated in front of everyone.

"What." Applejack questioned, dumbfounded.

"Really?" Flim questioned.

"You're not even ponies." Flam added.

"What are you talking about? Of course we're ponies. We're Applejack's... Long relatives! We're orange! And we have Apple stuff as our cut-farts!"

"You mean... Cutie-Marks?"

"...Yes."

"And what about that one?" Flim questioned while pointing at a marauder. "He has a pear for a cutie mark."

Mike instantly began sweating like a hippo once his plan was in danger. "He's... Adopted."

"Ah, I see. Well... Sure, you can help her."

"Good."

"Mike, what the hell are you doing?" Kra'Ser questioned, walking up to him.

"Securing my interests."

"Really?!"

Mike suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. "Listen, Templar." He spoke nervously. "If the Flim and Flam bruvvas win, that'd mean we'd lose our jobs with the Apple family. If we lose our jobs, we won't get paid. What do we get paid with? Free. Cider. If they win there'll probably be more cider, but do you really expect me to pay for something?!"

"Fine! I got the point!" Kra'Ser stated while shoving him away and holding his own head.

"Splendid." He said while turning around while his hands on his hips. "Now then... What are we supposed to do again?"

"You don't know what to do?!" Applejack yelled.

"You really expected them to know what to do?" Twilight questioned.

"Sorry, kinda nervous here. Anyways, get the apples, mash 'em until they're liquid, pour 'em in a barrel. I guess that's that. Make sure the apples are good too."

"Got it." Mike spoke while turning to his marines. "There is no time to be lost. Battle Bruvvas! Spess Mehreens, today, the enemy is at... That other side of the field. We know our duty and we'll do it! We fight for our cider as Terrans, as Spess Mehreens, and we fight in the name of the Emprah!" He threw his fist to the sky just as he finished. At this point, the orange forces cheered, shot their guns at the sky, and catapulted a pick-up truck somewhere just because they could, right before scrambling to the forest like an ant nest once a kid appeared with a magnifying glass at midday.

"I don't know what they'll do..." Kra'Ser spoke next to Twilight, referring to Mike's army and the Terrans in the Koprulu Sector in general. "But, by God, they frighten me."

---

As the competition progressed, the Terrans simply tore the trees appart by sheer brutality and speed of their actions. Afterwards, they threw the apples into a viking's empty rocket pod, who flew away and threw the apples into a giant steel contained that would be five houses wide. Once it was filled to the point of spilling, two thors were dropped with medivacs. After the landing, they began dancing tango with each other, mashing the apples in the process. The resulting product was filtered with a tiny faucet and poured into several barrels at once.

The Flim Flam brothers were struck speechless by the sheer 'creativity' of the Terrans actually being somewhat useful and productive. Slowly and steadily, the barrel count was rising for both sides, but with the Apple 'family' catching up.

Flim, shocked, spat the cider he was drinking at Flam's face. "Come on, brother, we've gotta pick up the pace!"

"Right, uh, double the power!"

The machine sped up, but after a quick calculation, Flim realize it was just not enough.

"We gotta try something else!"

"I've got it, brother of mine."

Now the machine decided to ignore the bad apples and pass them, brewing them. The quantity of barrels skyrocketed, but with an unknown price behind it.

"Well done, Flam! We're at top productivity!"

---

"Well, I guess you guys don't have anything under your sleeves." Kra'Ser mentioned while walking up to Mike.

"A wise man once said, 'Science isn't about why, it's about why not'. That is my doctrine for life. And I'm going to throw science at the wall to see what sticks now."

"Time's almost up. What are you going to do?"

"Stimpacks."

"Oh boy here we go..."

"You heard me!!" Mike yelled at his forces. "Use your stimpacks!!"

"Aye aye cap'n." The forces acknowledged in unison. Each one of them took out a syringe from their containers and injected themselves with it. The Stimpack, which would increase the energy of anyone who used it.

The effects of it were immediate and devastating to say the least. Instead of ripping appart the trees, they strip-mined the entire area of anything solid, up until the point where they dug so deep in merely seconds that magma started flowing. They even accidentally dug deep enough to break the time-space continuum and enter an ASCII world called 'Dwarf Fortress'.

Instead of simply throwing the apples into the giant container, they had to load the siege tanks in them and shoot them into the container. There were simply too many apples to throw at once, so they relied on the fact that the apples would impact against eachother in midair and become smashed. The fact that some apples would miss entirely and hit someone unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end was ignored.

And instead of two thors dancing tango, there were 10 thors in an overclocked moshpit mashing so many apples the container broke by sheer pressure. The tidal wave of cider razed the fields until it was stopped by the unicorns' magic. Famine was non-existant and eventually the Alcoholics Anonymous' members triplicated once reports of 'A giant ocean of alocohol' were received. All in all, a simple Tuesday.

Eventually, the Terrans managed to construct a 1:1 replica of the Terratron with so many barrels they made.

"Time's up!" Miss Mayor announced.

Every single Terran and Apple family member fell down to the ground in exhaustion, some with HP in the negatives due to so much liberal use of stimpacks, cheering with eachother as their pile of Cider barrels defeated the Flim Flam Brothers' pile by almost triple the quantity. After a while, once the tidal wave monster of Cider was tamed, Miss Mayor decided to count the barrels.

"Flim and Flam win!"

"Didn't see that one coming." The Templar stated.

"What?!" The mane 6 exclaimed in unison. Upon looking at their pile of Cider barrels, they saw how a multitude of Terrans were drinking a barrel each. The remaining pile ended up consisting of ten barrels less than Flim and Flam's. "Oh come on!!"

Mike, however, was unfazed. He walked with a barrel up to Kra'Ser and simply watched things unfold.

"You seem pretty calm about this." The Templar questioned. "I thought you didn't want to lose."

"We lost?" He questioned, slightly surprised.

"Yes, don't you realize already?"

"Dayum shame."

The Flim Flam brothers finished taunting the Apple family by this point. The Apple family walked away while the Brothers set up their stand, now selling their freshly-brewed Cider. What they didn't foresee, however, was the disgust of their new costumers once they spat their cider on their faces.

"I can't get the taste off my tongue!"

"Mine's got rocks in it."

"I wouldn't pay one cent for this dreck!"

"Amusing." Mike spoke while drinking, listening to the complaints and the bargaining, up until the Brothers were forced to withdraw their bussiness plan. They got on top of their Super etc 6k and left immediately for another city.

"If this was your plan, I am surprised. If this wasn't your plan, I am surprised too." Kra'Ser stated, looking at the ponies now grabbing a tankard of cider.

"I am a cider drinker... I drinks it all of the day..." Mike began singing, half drunk.

---

Dear Princess Celestia. I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Ahem...I didn't learn anythin'! Ha! I was right all along! If you take your time to do things the right way, your work will speak for itself. Sure I could tell you I learned something about how my friends are always there to help me, and I can count on them no matter what, but truth is, I knew that already too.

"Come on everyone! Get up 'ere then!!" Mike yelled completely drunk while climbing a table. Every pony in Ponyville was celebrating around, drinking cider to their delight.

"I am a cider drinker!!" Everyone joined Mike singing, even the drunk Kra'Ser who was playing the accordion, God knows how he got one. Probably from Pinkie Pie. "I drinks it all of the day!! I am a cider drinker!! It soothes all me troubles away!! Oh arr oh arr aay, Oh arr oh arr aay!! Oh arr oh arr aay, Oh arr oh arr aay!!"

"Let cider be the spice of life!"

Comments

[DaCrazyOne]

Neat.

[Itsasecrettome]

The fortress of dwarfs is a fine one and much F.U.N can be had,from digging to deep to chopping the trees anything and everything can be F.U.N.

[MiniPsyker]

2188270 Up until you discover the Circus. Or embark in a biome with husks. Or end up with Clown Husks.

That's where the fun begins.

[Itsasecrettome]

2188307
+ all the shit tons of mods that are out there,hmmm cultists my favourite it all begins with this in purple:

Strange runes written in blood have been found!

Strange crafts made from -insert creature/name of creature here- bones have been found!

And from there on starts the hunt.

[Power Overwhelming]

This is a fantastically, halarious story. Keep it up, and don't let it die.

(After reading it for the 6th time... waiting for one day to be an update )

-Powers